Curses of Interest
by InsanityUnleashed
Summary: Laurel Potter made a mistake and poked something better left alone. A mad escape flung her into a far off reality, into the lap of Naruto Uzumaki Hokage-to-be. Now in between deciphering the runework keeping her trapped, she has to train Naruto, avoid the ANBU trying to figure her out, and find a way to stamp out every source of sabotage aimed at her new charge. Cross posted on AO3
1. Don't Poke It

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the weirdness that comes from my brain. I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters, or Harry Potter, or any of those characters. I only hope to do them some justice as I play with them like puppets. This goes for the rest of the story, I'm only saying it once.

With such an inspiring prompt, I couldn't help myself. I haven't written a Naruto fic before, and never really bothered posting anything on the internet before, so this'll be interesting at least.

Also, be forewarned I read all the other fills for this prompt, but I've tried my best not to copy anything. Please let me know if there are any continuity issues, things that seem plagiarised (I'll only pay attention if there's a specific example) or any consistent mistakes.  
I have taken inspiration from various other stories I've read over the years, and though I can probably make a good guess as to where it came from if you recognise something, it's not my intention to rip off any other authors and I can't guarantee I'll remember where it came from.

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1: Don't Poke It

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Laurel had been having a bad day to begin with, honestly.

She woke up after more nightmares - _why did I ever expect anything else?_ \- and got dressed enough to make some food. But then she remembered what she was doing at work, and had to shower in cold water because the heating rune finally gave up the ghost, then change again.  
The food was partially burned, because she'd been in the process of still waking up, and Laurel was never the kind to magic it all better unless it was really important. Even _if_ she had a spell to 'unburn' food. She was pretty sure that didn't exist.

She got into her Unspeakable robes, mourning the lack of sleep-ins, but welcoming the built-in anonymity-simulating runes. No fan had ever recognized her on the job, and by this stage her bosses were beyond caring. One of the first things she'd done once they had proved their value was embroider them inside the hem of every set of robes she owned. _Freedom at last!_ She didn't ever have to deal with rabid fans while shopping ever again.  
It was one of the best moments of her life, frankly. Up there with that first stunned gasp for air when Voodletort (Laurel had never had trouble with the taboo, honestly. The twins had started the ridiculous exercise in fifth year to make her feel better) was dead and everyone was just trying to comprehend it. Or receiving her Rune Mastery for making a pensieve successfully, or using that mastery to bring one of her childhood wishes to fruition.

As the witch pulled on the navy uniform robes, she tripped over the chest of drawers at the bottom of her bed, somehow. Considering she'd taken a single step, that the thing had been there as long as she'd been inhabiting the room, and that it wasn't like she didn't know it was there, Laurel was truly impressed with her misfortune.

Hermione had said she'd be dragging the copper-haired woman out on some kind of trip and to pack for the weekend, so Laurel grudgingly shoved her emergency 'a world is ending' bag into her pocket to sit next to her 'you'll never take me alive' combat pack. She hadn't packed the essentials the night before due to getting absorbed in a particularly fantastic novel Ginny had recommended. It was a little raunchier than the green-eyed woman usually went for, but not badly written enough she'd wanted to throw it across the room.

Laurel grabbed her notes (which she shouldn't have taken home, but no one ever really cared if there was no risk of an information leak) and shoved them in her other pocket, double-checked she had her wand on her, and stepped outside her wards in order to apparate to the ministry.

She arrived just in time to nearly have a box of contraband creatures dropped on her head, a screeching owl in her face, and another ministry worker appear basically on top of her. After three simultaneous near- misses, the war reflexes she still couldn't kick being the only thing between her and an explosion of frustrated fury, Laurel resisted the urge to kick the man in the shins and readjusted her hood huffily.

After finally entering the elevator along with the ten other people going to completely different floors and selecting her usual destination, she suffered through her feet getting trodden on six more times than normal and an elbow to the face by some flailing idiot.  
Just because she was shorter than most people, and he was having an argument with one of the memos-!

Laurel forced herself to breathe, and move on, stalking out of the elevator while hissing like a kettle. Even if it was just nonsense in Parseltongue, it still freaked everyone else out. Yes, she could be a bit vindictive sometimes, but after her morning the witch needed to vent a little. It wasn't like she'd done any permanent damage.

She reached the corridor of the Department of Mysteries where her office was located, Avada Kedavra green eyes focusing on the new memo nailed to her door. Well, she said nailed, but it was just magically stuck there, quaintly informing her she'd acquired a new object that had eaten a wizard after his friend had tampered with it. Laurel was paraphrasing and editing it, and there were info gaps because sometimes they wanted to get different perspectives and see how many reached the same conclusions, but it sounded interesting. Admittedly, there was even less info than usual, but it wasn't something to be overly concerned with. It happened.

Laurel pushed open the dark-washed wooden door, seeing the object in question sitting on the left side of her desk on her 'inbox' tray. Her lips curled into a bemused smile while she resisted the urge to burst out laughing. It was a dusty old tin lamp, just like the one from 'Aladdin'.  
Hermione had made a movie night compulsory after the war, but they'd started with Disney and gone on from there. It'd been fun - which had been the whole point, Laurel guessed. Her brunette friend had been determined to inform her and Ron about the wonders of muggle pop-culture.

She shook her head, forcing herself back on track. "Alright then," she muttered under her breath, and set her notes down on the empty space for sorting later.

The pale-skinned witch looked around her office, eyes pausing on the various posters she'd stuck on the wall. It wasn't very professional of her to have Quidditch paraphernalia pasted behind her desk where anyone who came in would have to see, but she took pride in her group's successes after the end of war. Laurel had one of the Holyhead Harpies - particularly for the smug, winking Ginny - and the Chudley Cannons, who kept Ron's Quidditch-loving heart beating. Dean had given her an animated sketch of her Third Year Gryffindor team with Wood as captain, and another of Sixth Year when Laurel had been running the show herself.

She had a signed one from Viktor Krum where he looked as broody as he ever had, from his late teens as an International Quidditch star. It was a gag gift, and she'd replied with her wanted poster signed and framed in return.

Fred and George had given her one of their advertising posters once, which she'd started collecting, and she was up to five by that point. One for the pyrotechnics and fireworks, the defense section, the various live animals and pets, the skiving snackboxes and the portable swamp.

Smiling, Laurel turned back to her work, and the new toy to examine, "Let's have some fun!"

The best part about her new job? The never ending stream of mysteries, puzzles and curiosities to investigate.

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Laurel would say it was an accident to anyone who ever asked, but it wasn't entirely down to chance. She'd just come back from a lunch break, and hadn't replaced her magic-containment gloves since another co-worker needed to borrow them. The green-eyed woman had accidentally brushed too close to her desk, and the pile of paper she'd dumped the lamp on had wobbled precariously, and fallen.

Intellectually she knew the lamp could fall and nothing terrible would happen, but seeker instincts demanded she catch it, and so catch it she did.

As soon as her skin touched the thing, the sounds of a male voice chanting filled her ears. She was stuck as if hit by a freezing spell, just like the Cornish pixies in second year. The chanting reached a crescendo, Laurel heard her full name, repeated thrice, and then there was a pulling sensation, and with an awful slurping noise like a child sucking through a mostly-empty straw, she was suddenly some place else. Magic thrummed through her skin like the vibrations that made a gong ring, and she felt it settle inside her bones.

The walls were curved all around her like she was in some kind of metallic fishbowl, and shining like electrum, though she couldn't discern the source of light. There were thousands of scratch marks on the walls, some blood drops on one side of the circular base, and a few ragged scraps of richly-coloured fabric. On the walls were an abundance of runes, catching in the light when she shifted her position. It was nearly reflective enough to see herself, but she could mostly just make out a vaguely-black silhouette topped with copper.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted movement, and swivelled to see the marks on the room, signs of habitation from the previous person were slowly growing smaller, like the lamp was healing itself, making itself anew.

While her attention was on her surroundings, it shifted to her wrists as soon as Laurel moved to draw her wand. On her bare skin, under the small - impractical - bell sleeves, she felt the weight of metal rubbing against her flesh, not cold, but only as warm as she was herself.

Laurel tugged up one sleeve, in order to get a proper look at her new jewellery. A metal band, only one centimetre wide, and flat like a tattoo, rested between the prominent bones of her wrist and where her hand widened out into her palm. It was the same colour as the walls around her, and clearly some kind of binding magic.

She flexed cautiously, and was bewildered when the metal moved with her so it never actually cut into her, but it obviously wasn't going to come off. If she tried to pry beneath it, her fingers would either skip over, or push into her skin, like it was actually a tattoo. By holding it up so the light shone through it, it seemed to be formed entirely of runes, just condensed and woven over itself so many times it had become solid. What she could decipher of it so far was not looking good, with recurring elements of 'binding', 'vitality', and 'docility' with a few others interspersed just often enough that it wasn't boring.

Laurel groaned in exasperation, rubbing absently at the bridge of her nose before dragging the hand down her face. In doing so, she found another band around her neck, though for obvious reasons she was unable to confirm her suspicions that it was exactly like the ones now adorning her wrists. "What have I gotten myself into now?"

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	2. Imperio vs Laurel vs Basilisk

I was surprised by the welcome received in the first couple days, so here's hoping I can keep up with you guys.

Updates will be on Fridays, for those curious people.

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2: Imperio vs Laurel vs Basilisk, Take Two

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It felt like several hours passed before anything interesting happened, and Laurel hastily shoved the book from Ginny back in her pocket when the 'pulling' started again. She reformed in an office, probably in the higher levels of the Ministry since it was well-lit and not made for more than three people. In spite of the physical limitations, there was a fair crowd crammed in.

Strangely enough, Laurel actually knew most - if not all - of the people in the room currently, the first and most prominent being Hermione. That was solely due to her friend attacking the instant she became physical enough for her to wrap trembling arms around the petite woman's shoulders. After being released, and therefore able to see beyond the curtain of her friend's hair, she spotted the current Minister of Magic: Kingsley, Ron, a couple of coworkers from the Department, and an unfamiliar old man.

"Uh, I didn't mean to?" Laurel thought it was best to start with the simple answer.

It was after that the flood of questions began, and she didn't bother restraining her derisive eye-roll at everyone's antics. _It's almost like they've forgotten my brief stint as an Auror, and exactly what a disaster that was. Healing wasn't much better, honestly... In fact, I probably should have expected this._ She wasn't going to be able to answer any questions at all until people stopped bombarding her, and the Unspeakable was feeling impatient enough to cut them off.

"That's enough." Using the tone of voice able to stop any would-be criminal in their tracks, the room fell silent. "Now, in a way I can actually answer your questions, maybe try that again?" She tilted her head sarcastically, and exchanged a commiserating look with Ron. He knew _exactly_ what she was feeling, since he had so many siblings that needed to be talked over in order to be heard.

"What actually happened?"

"I touched it accidentally, was pulled into a weird metal room, acquired new jewellery, and am presumably the new inhabitant of the lamp." Laurel counted the things off on her fingers, and watched the reaction around the room to her absurd list. "That's all I know really. Now what happened on the outside? Maybe I can clarify some stuff." It could have been worse, like a basilisk inside a centuries-old school for instance, but it wasn't that normal either.

At this point one of the other Unspeakables stepped forward, the one Laurel had contact with the most. Bubbles was also the borrower of her containment gloves. His code name had been a source of laughter when she'd started. But right then Laurel was nowhere near amused, more thinking _damned Disney_.  
"After you touched the lamp, this man took your place. He was the previous inhabitant, and once no longer bound, he said he regained his ability to control himself. It's apparently similar to being under the **imperious** curse, in that the subject is compelled to fulfill the commands of the 'owner'. Although the subject may be mentally present, they have no control over their own actions while outside the lamp.  
"Which is curious in the context of you, Aconite. You seem to be acting as normal."

She shrugged noncommittally. She felt normal.

Laurel shared this observation with the room, and Hermione tentatively suggested they test it by giving her an order.

After thinking about it for a moment, the autumn-haired woman nodded in agreement, and her brunette friend told her to jump once right at that moment, since qualifying a time would get more immediate results.

It was easy at first: she thought about not wanting to jump, and it was just a mild twitch to the contrary which was easily suppressed. The longer she resisted, the more it was like holding a bucket of water above her head, as a tremble worked its way up through her legs, wrapped around her spine, and squeezed her ribs. By the time it reached her skull, she was shaking with the effort, sweat beading on her forehead.

After that, the tremble changed into the burning sensation of standing in snow too long. When that sensation reached her spine, she lost control and Laurel felt her knees bending against her will as she jumped.

She scowled and grumbled wordlessly to the room at large, but inside she was still trembling. _Someone can control me. Anyone who picks up this lamp can control me._ It was a whisper, but she knew it wouldn't take long before it became a scream. That was the stuff of her worst nightmares; the ones when the possession had worked, when the horcrux took over and she was screaming inside while someone else used her like a meatsuit.

She'd had enough of being a puppet, or being a figurehead, of being someone else's 'crowning glory'.

It was half the reason she'd become an Unspeakable. It made it nearly impossible to brag about 'having' her.  
The other half had been due to several life-threatening situations that Laurel was actually unsure how she survived alive to this day. Now that Laurel was free to live her life, she was damn well going to.

Kingsley had a gleam in his eye that Laurel didn't like one bit. They might have been members of the Order together and fought on the same side in the war, but that didn't mean he was principled enough to not use such an asset when it… _mmm_ , "fell into his hands".

Hermione had the crease between her brows that meant she was trying to out-logic something illogical, and Ron was looking concerned and pensieve like he was trying to find the most effective angle to take out the threat. At least her friends would try to help. Whether there was anything to be done was a different question entirely, but it was a much better alternative to giving up immediately.

"So what now?" Laurel queried after they hashed out the sequence of events a couple more times, each one more pointless than the last. She didn't mention anything about the chanting, uneasy at the thought of sharing it with the whole room. _I'll tell the researchers in charge later,_ the witch reassured herself. "I might not be able to help much with this because I don't know how long I can stay outside the lamp without it pulling me back in again. Do I just continue work as normal, or what?"

That was the option she was hoping for the most, honestly. She enjoyed her job, and it'd give her something to busy herself with while she tried to decipher the runes anchored on her wrists, and the others on the inside of the lamp itself.  
She'd mentioned the bindings on her wrists briefly, but she was one of the resident experts (on mostly the creative reinterpretation) of runework in spellweaving. If Laurel couldn't figure it out, it was very unlikely anyone else could. _Not like anyone would be anywhere near as motivated as I am._

Just in case there was someone cleverer than her (there were a lot of those, 5 years hadn't changed her that much, really), she'd told them about her bindings, since the green-eyed witch was pretty sure the inside was a more complex version of the portable ones. It had to function as an anchor point for a separate mobile rune arrangement anyway, and that was no simple feat.

"We may have to put you under observation."

Laurel narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "Who's observation, exactly?" Her voice was drier than a desert, and she hoped the Minister of Magic noticed.

He didn't, having spent too many years politicking to realize how much of a bad idea getting on her bad side actually was.

She'd been an Auror, and tracked down criminals and dark magic practitioners and who even knows what else.  
Laurel had been a healer for a year or so there, and knew exactly how to take a person apart, since that was what they did to fix people.  
She'd been in the Department of Mysteries for over 2 months, exploring magic and finding the edges of the definitions and theories she'd been taught in school.

None of that even touched on the studying she'd found herself doing during her year on the run in an effort to bridge the skill gap between her and Voodletort, or afterwards when she'd had too much time in the nights to sit around doing nothing.

Laurel was a lot more practiced at being dangerous now than she was when she'd first become the "woman-who-conquered", and back then at the bare age of 17 she'd been able to defeat the most dangerous Dark Lord in their history.

Nonetheless, Kingsley pushed his luck, "The Unspeakables have offered. We have a few other experts who are prepared to step in, as well."

Ron and Hermione picked up on the tension building in her body, and while the other woman edged toward the lamp behind the Minister's back, Ron distracted the room by walking over and appearing to comfort the smallest of the trio. In reality he was telling her the plan.

"'Mione's got the lamp, we head over to Ginny's place first opportunity, go from there. Hope you don't need any stuff from home, Lore."

She shook her head and leant against his chest gently while he wound an arm around her waist, ready to throw her out the door if it became a necessary part of their escape. "Wait until I give you the signal. We need some things first."

The Minister kept going, "We'll escort you to the Department of Mysteries now, where you can discuss things with Velocity as head of the Department. She'll be in charge of the investigation and its progress."

"Sure, sounds great." Laurel replied, wielding her innocent 'I'm not up to anything, I swear' voice. "Can we pick up the other notes on this thing along the way? I'd like to see what the other Unspeakables found on the lamp. I assume it's coming with me, where tests can be carried out on both ends of the problem?" She arched an expectant eyebrow, thanking her father for his aristocratic genes that made it just that much more effective.

Kingsley nodded in acquiescence, and Hermione gladly picked the object up before anyone else had the chance to. Since she was the current 'master', it was a two-layered protection.

They moved through the levels of the Ministry as a group, and though Laurel wondered why the man who'd been stuck in the lamp before her followed, she didn't question it aloud.

The Potter witch managed to dart into her office and grab what she'd figured out about the lamp before disaster struck once more. A memo had been sent ahead to Velocity, so she should have the rest of the notes collated by the time the group arrived in the Head of Department's office.

Hermione held the lamp securely in her arms, standing in between the other two, and after they reached the designated meeting point, she moved so once Laurel had the notes she could flick through them without being noticed.

The first thing Laurel noticed was every other researcher had been told not to touch the lamp without gloves on at all, and that only one other person hadn't followed through with this.

Second, the person who had skin-contact had been able to communicate verbally with the wizard captured, and subsequently drawn the most information on how the lamp worked, and every report after that was remarkably lacking in comparison.

The third thing was that the previous tenant had known how to exchange the lamp's subject. It wasn't specified exactly how, but it was mentioned it required the current inhabitant to know who was the intended new one, and had to do it from the inside of the lamp.  
That meant the ritual required at least one willing participant, since when inside the lamp, the subject was in control of themselves.

Fourth, on Velocity's desk there was a half-hidden report about basilisk venom doses, and she recognised the times as her coffee breaks from the past three weeks. At the bottom of the page, the half of the summary she could see indicated the recipient showed no signs after the first day, and only had a mild reaction.

Laurel remembered that day. She'd finished her tea, thinking it had a strange tang, and when she went to stand up got the worst bout of headrush she'd ever experienced. The tang had been there in every hot drink since, so she assumed it was something the Department added for some reason or another. The possibility of it being poison had never even occurred.

 _They tried to kill me! Multiple times!_

She contained her fury, outwardly only clicking her tongue on the roof of her mouth and frowning minutely. But why had the ministry been trying to kill her? And so subtly - most people trying to off her were nowhere as quiet about it.  
Like that one guy who'd tried to blind her and then stab somewhere vital while she was incapacitated. She didn't exactly remember dodging, but once her sight had come back there hadn't been a wound or anything. Her attacker had been bleeding from a serious stab wound in his thigh, which seemed like a logical place for him to hit if she hadn't been where he expected her to be.

Actually, thinking about it then, there'd been more than a couple incidents just like that. It was the reason she'd stopped being an Auror, actually, and even if she'd forgotten why she'd chosen to leave until that moment, she'd always known it was for a good reason.

The incidents returned just before she quit being a healer too, and then the Ministry had offered her a place with the Unspeakables. The main reason she'd accepted was because all her overseas queries had fallen through…

Suddenly, the job offer seemed a lot more suspicious, especially since they'd clearly already used it to try and kill her.  
And the refusals from outside England hadn't been for any real reason-

It was like something had been blocking her from being even the slightest bit suspicious about stuff in general going wrong for her, and the Ministry specifically. Most times Laurel was very, very good at assessing when something was not quite right, yet she somehow managed to miss all of this?!

The redhead needed time to think this all through. _Alright then, time to draw this conversation to a close._

"Now that we've established that I'll be staying here in the Ministry until the tests are complete, I'm going to change my office into a living space. We can pick this up again first thing tomorrow, I'm sure." She bulldozed over any protests, wielding her charisma in a way she really hated to, but these were exceptional circumstances. Beyond exceptional, really.

Her escape successful, Hermione and Ron followed her as she walked efficiently back to her office - not quite running, but they'd be able to see how much she wanted to. Once behind a closed and Hermione-warded door, Laurel brushed everything off her desk in order to spread out the reports on the lamp. She sat herself behind the desk, buried her face in her hands, and told them what they were looking at.

Her brunette friend made noises of comprehension, but Laurel held back the other part about the venom.

Ron asked, "But what does this have to do with you and what happened?"

When she faced the pair, his blue eyes were suspicious. _That's what I like to see._ "Well, this goes back to my Auror days, from what I can tell. This first report is dated a couple days after that thing with the Chimera, Ron. You know, when it was only due to sheer dumb luck that I didn't die?" She paused for effect. "When I was somehow bitten by the venomous end, scratched by the claws, and didn't die, unlike every other single person who had one of those injuries, let alone two?"

Their jaws dropped a little, and Laurel shook her head, hands trembling at the rage building back up inside her. "Wait you mean you were actually hit by that thing?!" Hermione gasped. "I thought the papers had it wrong, considering you were out of action for only about two days, when the claws are crippling with the anticoagulant magic, and the fangs are just as bad?"

Ron massaged the bridge of his nose, wedding ring flashing in the lighting. "I assumed since you survived the basilisk, it wouldn't affect you."

"And then a week later there was the slavery ring we took down, and I swear I took an Avada, but when nothing happened, I just kept on going? And after that, there was the necromancer. I could go on. There were at least eight of those, before I gave it up and went into healing. That was fine for the first ten months, before it started up again, and I quit again. Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this pattern?"

"You can't die?" Hermione was the one who said what they were all thinking.

Laurel shrugged, "All I know is that I survived every one of those, and I still don't know how. Add that to the timing of this," she waved a hand at the lamp. "And, on top of that, the fact that I haven't been able to put this together until I saw the report on Velocity's desk saying they'd been dosing me with Basilisk venom. We all know how well-developed my 'secrets radar' is, and the powers the 'genie' professed to have, which were somehow confirmed…"

"Ah, crap." Ron sighed. "Weren't you trying to go to Europe or somewhere at some point too? What happened to that?"

"They all mysteriously refused, with lame see-through excuses that _I didn't see through_. For all we know, if I actually tried to leave, they'd have sent me straight back. Now that I'm bound to the lamp, it's almost guaranteed. I count as a creature now, an endangered one at that, and therefore have to have a legal Ministry-employed owner." She wanted to curse something so badly that her fingers were twitching. They would never let any of her friends take custody.

"So they've finally got you right where they want you: an undefeatable weapon to aim wherever the Ministry wants. With no foreseeable way out. Am I missing anything?" Hermione summed up succinctly, going to twist a lock of hair around her finger until she remembered she put her hair up for work.

"Yeah. There is a way out. But you'll probably think I'm insane, and there's no way you can follow me." Laurel had an inkling, a whisper of a plan; less than an idea but just as potent. She'd been dreaming the same thing for weeks, months even.

In the Wizarding world, recurring dreams that weren't nightmares _meant_ something. The fact that they'd been interrupting her normal nightmares was even more of a hint that they weren't ordinary.

"I've been dreaming of the Veil of Death, and something tells me I can survive it. Wherever that leads is _far_ beyond the reach of the Ministry. And I can figure out a way out of the lamp, and then come home."

Her best friends were courteous enough to let her finish before telling her in no uncertain terms exactly how crazy she was.

"You can't possibly-"  
"I've never heard-"  
"- Believe you've got a-"  
"- Anything so stupid-"  
"- Chance of surviving-"  
"- And I'm including the thing-"  
"- A trip through the-"  
"- With the final battle!"  
"- Veil of Death, Laurel!"

When they paused for breath, she broke in, "And now that you've got that out of your systems, can I explain the rest of it?" The glares that were sent her way warmed her heart, but nothing else.

"Now, first question, do either of you truly believe there's a place I can go and safely live out the rest of my life where the Ministry, or Britain in general can't find me?" They did glorious fish impressions, but no answers were forthcoming since they both knew her definition of 'live'.  
"We've all seen proof of the Deathly Hallows, and that they work as illustrated in the fairytale. I can't die. I united the Hallows, and even accidentally that still has power. Like the Goblet of Fire: the contract was still binding even if I didn't volunteer myself for it. How do you prove, with those facts, that I'm _not_ the 'Master of Death'? And if I am, then how could the Veil _of Death_ kill me, when everything else can't?"

She locked eyes with both, the warm chocolate brown of Hermione's and the clear morning blue of Ron's, willing them to believe her.

She'd do it without them, the certainty was so solid, but she'd prefer them to be with her as far as they could go. Laurel let them see the determination inside her through her face, and Hermione caved first, always the one to be more faith-bound out of the two. Ron would have to test it against his own instincts first, while the brunette willingly put aside her beloved logic to have faith in Laurel's loyalty.

"Alright," the Weasley agreed, voice gruff with concern. "What're we doing then?"

"First of all, I need a couple things from my house, just in case. Then we need to sort out something I can use as an anchor, so when I get free I can come back. It'll have to be heavy in magic, but preferably something I can wear or keep close to me. I've no idea what would happen if it was away from a power source from the same dimension-plane-world-thing. It might taint the signature I'm going to need to come back."

"Better to be safe than sorry," Hermione agreed. "I can look into that, I better get onto it right away. But, uh, Laurel?" The taller woman hesitated visibly. "What are we going to do about the lamp?"

"Uh…" She hadn't thought of that. "I'll hide it," Laurel scanned the room, absently searching her pockets. "Oh! Right, I can hide it in my emergency bag." She wiggled her fingers so Hermione would give her the metal object, fishing the miniaturised bag out with the other.

Ron watched all this with mild amusement, pointing out, "Do you even know if you can touch it?" just as her fingers grasped over the handle.

"Apparently yes," the green-eyed witch observed. "But I get the feeling not for long, with the way my fingers are slowly going numb." She opened the mouth of the bag, stuffed the stupid thing in, and tugged the zip closed. "Now that that's dealt with, I have a list of things I need from you, Ron, since Hermione's going to be very busy. Wait, 'Mione? Maybe talk to Luna if you can't find anything, you know she's always had that little bit of useful intuition."

She nodded, and opened the door to go get that underway.

After the door was once again sealed, Laurel talked while she gathered up the reports in chronological order so she could go over them more thoroughly later. "I need stuff to make it look like I'm staying, so bedsheets or whatever, since having to transfigure a lot of stuff is not really something they'd expect me to do. Stupid 'Chosen One' bullshit, you know how it is. I'd also really appreciate anything you can get off Fred and George, since their stuff is always surprisingly useful. And any journals I left around the house. Could you also grab the rest of my potions stash? I've got them in my bathroom cabinet."  
She paused, running through a mental list to ensure she'd remembered all the important things. "And any more recommendations from Ginny, if you can, since the last one has been pretty good. Please?"

He nodded, and hugged her before leaving as well.

Laurel was left alone to her thoughts and the reports, and forced herself to focus on what she could _do_ to stop herself freaking out about being a 'genie' and all that came with that.

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	3. Mist-erious Figures & Kick-Ass Ninja

Good news is we finally get to the Naruto verse today! The part directly after Laurel inside the lamp, from Naruto's point of view is an edited version of Tsume_Yuki's prompt.

Please tell me if you see any mistakes, 'cause the only person looking this over is me, and I miss stuff.

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3: Mist-erious Figures and Kick-Ass Ninja

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Hermione returned two days later with a cursed amulet to suffice as an anchor. Luna had suggested it, and in fact it might turn out to be useful since the curse that made the wearer nothing more than a piece of native flora, and could not be stolen or shared in any way except voluntarily. Only the one who placed it on could take it off, but it had no effect on animals.  
It had been used in the most extreme cases of exile in centuries past, and had spent that time soaking up the natural magic of multiple lei lines to fuel the curse, which was part of what made it so useful.

Ron had brought her three notebooks, two on complex warding and one on her most recent (and most complicated) rune project of trying to make a body double, and two more books from Ginny.  
She'd left a note in one demanding Laurel return them before the youngest Weasley died, so clearly Ron had explained the situation to her.  
The green-eyed witch had been gifted a 'special surprise' box from the twins, and was both eagerly anticipating and dreading opening it and finding out what was inside.

Laurel herself had spent the past couple days piecing together the conspiracy, and trying to figure out exactly how many times had she died-but-not (somewhere upwards of 20, not including anything before the end of the war), while fending off Unspeakables and researchers and idiots.

The Minister visited each day, and she restrained herself from telling him to bugger off, but kept a stony silence and pretended to be busy both times until he got bored and left her alone.  
She'd tried to get access to the previous genie but had been refused for reasons she didn't bother listening to. It wasn't that important, and there was no point making concessions to negate their excuses. Laurel had let herself sulk about that for a while.

She spent valuable time memorising the faces of her friends, trying not to think about the possibility that she couldn't figure out a way to break the binding of the lamp and couldn't come home. Laurel was the youngest Rune Master currently in the UK, and she spent her weekends finding new ways to use old rune configurations. She could totally do it.

They snuck out, and Laurel led them to the room holding the archway, encountering nothing living along the way. It gave her shivers up her spine because a plan this desperate never worked without a hitch, which meant that something or someone was waiting for them in the room of the Veil.

Laurel was right: the room was edged with robed figures under disillusionment charms, but she could see them through her glasses. The witch had long since ditched the ugly, ill-fitting glasses now that her vision was fixed entirely. She had new enchanted ones, enhanced similar to the way Mad Eye Moody's fake eye had been. She counted seven people and made the corresponding signal to her companions. _Always seven,_ she thought. _Seven or three, and in this case, both._

The moment they got far enough inside the room for two of them to cover the entrance, they attacked. It was mayhem, flashing spells punctuated by the occasional shouted incantation (what happened to silent casting in the real world? Only people fresh out of school bothered, or spells the individual was very familiar with. Mostly Aurors were the only ones who used general spells silently in public, and otherwise it was just household spells. It had always seemed like a waste to Laurel) while frantic dodging and advancements were attempted.

The ginger-haired witch nailed two of them in the first three seconds, before she had to deal with various idiots summoning the lamp. Since it was still in her bag of wonders, the whole thing suddenly developed the urge to jump out of her pockets into the hands of her enemies. _Like hell I'm letting them get that._  
She had to counter by either targeting the one doing it, or counter-summoning, which was an excellent way to keep her busy and unable to let loose some of the really interesting spells combinations she'd taught herself.

She settled for summoning their robes, and banishing their legs to try and trip them up. Luckily she could do both of those wandlessly, because by value of knowing them well enough to do so, she could cast them near-simultaneously. Laurel managed to get a firm grip on the current bane of her existence and spun towards the Veil, a figure flickering in her vision whenever she looked right at it.

More idiots flooded through the doors, including the Minister himself. The green-eyed woman felt like snorting: he hadn't seen real action in the last four and a half years, was he even still capable of it? Ron and Hermione tried their best to keep them all off her, but there were simply too many.

She found herself ducking under multiple curses, most of which were lethal - they probably reasoned that she couldn't exactly die from it and her friends were tricky enough that a permanent end would only ever be a good thing - she gleefully reflected a couple back at their owners. Laurel wasn't one for unnecessarily deadly spells, but reflecting them with her favourite kind of spell-shield was a piece of cake. The Ministry workers were basically asking for it, truthfully.

Laurel got within three steps of the Veil, and that was when they really started to panic.

Suddenly the bag in her hand was being pulled in about five different directions, and with all her strength Laurel leapt for the gate to freedom. Hopefully before she inevitably lost the two-way battle between the various summoning curses and her desire to be free of these idiots.

She passed through it backwards, and got a lovely view of the terrified faces of literally every single individual in the room as a shadowy hand crossed in front of her head and curled around her torso.  
Obviously she wasn't the only one seeing something else as every pair of eyes was focused well above her face. The ginger-haired woman felt the cool touch of mist settle over the skin of her hand grasping the bag of wonders, and therefore the lamp.  
Time stretched and she felt a soft flutter of silk against the back of her neck, while her best friends looked drained of all vitality of life in the face of their horrified concern.

The silk gave way, and she was through, she was beyond, she was lost to all she knew.

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It wasn't a train station, but it was similar in the way that it was clearly a crossroads of sorts. There was a ferry, made of a rickety wooden boat big enough for three people in a pinch. There was a little rudder for steering, and a paddle.

Laurel looked to her left, seeing a rocky shore that extended as far as she could see, until the grey mist swallowed it.  
To her right there was an indistinct figure, even though they were standing within arms' reach. It looked as if they were born of the mist, or the mist was born of them. Beyond the figure was a steep cliff, cutting her off from what might have been. The rolling waves crashed against the crumbling surface like they had a vendetta against it.

She looked down at herself to see she was as grey as her surroundings, and as solid as the figure was - which was very much not. The lamp lay at her feet, gleaming with an eerie internal gold light, and she hesitated to pick it up.

Laurel returned her gaze to the beach, flicking between the boat - which was one option - and the beach shore - which was another. The cliff blocked all other avenues, so it appeared she had a total of three choices, in the event the witch decided to stay here forever.

The normally-redheaded woman thought about what each could mean, uneasy at the thought of interacting voluntarily with the intimidating figure to her right.  
The beach looked the same all the way across, though the stones beneath her feet would be in different configurations and therefore different no matter where she was. Laurel watched another foaming wave, seeing how it pushed and pulled the stones. _Right, change over time happens anyway._

It was likely wherever she ended up if she stayed on this beach would be similar to home, if she thought about things metaphorically but literally, and sideways all at the same time.

By that thread, going on the boat would take her to a completely different place, and there was no telling what kind of differences there might be.

There were good and bad points for both, but she knew what she would choose straight away, not needing an extensive debate about it.

Laurel turned to the figure of the mist, and they gave her a solemn nod. **_~I will see you on the other side~_** , they whispered inside her bones, and she shuddered as she started walking towards her unknown destination.

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Laurel emerged into her temporary world-plane-universe-thing, and was almost immediately sucked back into the lamp she still held, only getting a brief glimpse of green and city and sky.  
During this short emergence, she experienced the combined sensations of a ghost walking through her and a dementor growing inside her soul. After being subjected to a short mental merge with what could only be known as Death, she fainted dead away (pun fully intended).

The witch spent what felt like weeks trapped inside the lamp's pocket dimension and during that time figured it was due to the lack of 'master'. While she'd been at the crossroads (theoretically, in the realm of the dead) it didn't matter that she was bound to the lamp, which was why she hadn't been absorbed inside it then.

She spent her time examining and pulling apart all the kinds and configurations of the runes, scribbling over entire rolls of parchment as her hand scrambled to keep up with her mind. She changed out of her work uniform and into some more comfortable muggle clothes, tending towards long sleeves and high collars to hide the marks of her bindings. Laurel also conferred with her most intricate rune-project, what amounted to a kind of magically-created artificial consciousness she called Changeling.

It was nice to have someone to talk to, even if the witch spent half her time in her mindscape desert trying to come to terms with her new kind of isolation. She dealt with the worst of the homesickness, checking frequently on the cursed amulet to check the magical purity and assuage her nightmares.  
The copper-haired woman eventually decided it might be better to leave the amulet inside the lamp, since the vessel functioned as a kind of vacuum, and nothing from the outside was discernable from the pocket dimension.

Despite her misgivings, Laurel had contacted the crossroads figure about the information they had dumped inside her mind. The first time she'd returned to her mindscape, there had been a whole rainbow of glass figurines lying on the sand surface that had required sorting. She'd had to make a whole new cavern in her underground labyrinth, and she still had yet to make shelves in her 'general knowledge' hall for everything that had been forced on her.  
From what she could tell it was mostly basic information about the new place she'd ended up, but it would take a couple uses before her mind would create the links necessary for instant recall. Memories might be objects, but thinking was a mind game of association. Without those bonds of similarity, she couldn't connect appropriately, and forcing those links would only end in disaster.

Death hadn't said anything, just appeared in her mindscape and deposited more. She didn't really want to deal with anything else they might give her, so she put the being out of her mind and would leave things alone.

 _Some things just have to happen naturally,_ Laurel reminded herself. The hours of isolation had worn on her patience, and studying the phenomenon of living inside a pocket dimension had grown depressing.

By the time her Arena of Unruly Emotions was emptied, she'd reached beyond the stage of simple boredom and fallen into the manic rune-devising one. Luckily she didn't get far before the outside world intruded once more.

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"S-so you're like a genie?" Staring in awe at the figure before him, Naruto Uzumaki took a moment to look back on the last ten minutes.

He'd been in the streets of Konoha, but not any of the main streets because that's where all the glares came from. Well, not all of them, just most. And then, and then someone had thrown a lamp at him! An old, scratched up metal thing covered in road dust. Naruto honestly hadn't thought they existed outside of children's story books. Not that he'd really heard them for himself, but sometimes he'd eavesdropped through the thinner walls when the caretakers at the orphanage read to the other kids.

He'd scampered home, not really logging the fact that he was still clutching the gold-silver decoration until he was sitting at his kitchen table and staring at the dirty surface. The idea had teased him, half-remembered and vague from a story long ago, but the more he stared at his newest useless item, the more the thought had refused to leave.

While the vast majority of his mind insisted that this was a stupid thing to do, a tiny, hesitantly hopeful part of Naruto's core made his heart race for reasons unknown.

So it was a great surprise when a flurry of grey shimmery smoke began to pool on the floor on the opposite side of the table, leaking from the spout of the lamp after he'd actually given it a little rub.

Staring up at the figure with all the wonderment a twelve year old orphan could possibly possess, Naruto didn't even bother to hide the way his jaw dropped, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. A young woman stared back at him, copper hair wild around her face while her mouth curled into a bemused grin.

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The witch was eventually pulled outside again, this time in one of the worst looking apartments she'd ever seen that could still be considered 'liveable', even if it was just barely. There was a short blonde boy in front of her, mouth wide open, his summer-blue eyes looking the size of the moon. He had strange whisker markings on his face, three on each cheek and she wondered what kind of world she'd thrown herself into. He stuttered in obvious amazement, "S-so, you're like a Genie?"

Laurel felt a smile tweak at her lips in the face of this cuteness. He had a strange accent, almost Japanese, but he still seemed to be speaking English.

"That's as good a word for it as any," She murmured softly, not wanting to draw the attention of any neighbours or caregivers the kid might have. The less people that knew she existed the better. "What's your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" He half yelled, and she winced at the sudden change in volume. He quickly refocused, "Does that mean I get three wishes?"

He cheered (again, loudly) when she nodded, but quieted when she went to speak. "I can't change you physically, bring dead people to life, or create emotions. If there's anything else that comes up that I can't do, I'll tell you as soon as I know, okay kid?"

"Awesome! Can you make me a kick-ass ninja?"

A what?! She blanked, "I'm not from around here, I might need some history lessons or general knowledge before I understand what it is you're asking for. I did say I can't change your body or who you are."  
There was a whisper in the back of her mind, a part which found these things normal. A part she couldn't really ignore - _That'll be Death's influence. Here's hoping I catch on quick._

Naruto deflated, face a study in disappointment. It wasn't that Laurel had a weakness for kids, it was just that he was apparently alone in such terrible conditions and he looked kind of desperate-

Oh, who was she kidding? Laurel loved kids. Had delighted in playing with Neville's baby daughter, and her visits with Teddy had been the highlight of her week.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere just yet. I just need to figure out what it is you want so I don't waste a wish, alright? Once we get things sorted, I'll see what I can do." She ran a hand through her wild curls, thinking. "You're still in school, right?" He nodded, cheering up again. "Do you have a textbook for history class or whatever? I could use that to get a general idea, and then you can tell me what you want exactly, okay?"

He nodded his head so hard she thought he might injure himself, "Sure, Genie-chan!" _Say what now?_

While the kid was searching for the book, she briefly pinched the bridge of her nose. _Maybe going for the completely different world was a mistake. Even the little things are going to trip me up, like whatever it is he's added to my name._

She'd survived being dumped into the Wizarding World at 11, though, so Laurel could survive this. That was basically a new culture, right? She could do this, she told herself, only half pretending to believe it.  
It was more a case of 'too late to back out now' than anything else. And if she didn't try to examine it too deeply, she got an affectionate mentorish vibe? I'll take it.

He returned triumphant, holding a very ragged-looking book above his head as if it was the solution to all the world's problems. For all the witch knew, it could be.

She questioned him on the content, but at his vague answer and heated glare at the cover, she figured he was not a book-learner, or even a fan of books. Laurel got to studying, peppering the boy with questions as she went and subtly quizzing him on both the content of the book and the world he lived in, trying to figure out where her ethereal knowledge fit in.

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	4. Ramenlessness is the Secret to Failure

Hello everyone! It's been really great to hear from some of you, you've been very encouraging!

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4: Ramenlessness is the True Secret to Failure

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"So basically, there's this test which is at the end of the school year, and you want to pass it? That's your wish?" _Man, either this kid is a new level of desperate when it comes to escaping school or he thinks there's nothing better to use a wish on. That's just sad._  
Though, when she gave it some hard thought, it was actually pretty clever. He'd proved that book smarts wasn't his strength, but by using a wish for this, it got around his deficiencies. It even springboarded him into the start of his desired career, for which he'd need to prove himself with actions. It was less about what was most correct and more about what was the most effective after paper exams. Real life was a multitude of 'more difficult'.

"Yeah!" Naruto was doing something with hot water in the kitchen, having gotten bored of her complex questions pretty fast - clearly he hadn't read the book.

Not that it would do the kid much good. It had missing pages and scribbles over most of it, and about 30 pages had been ruined by a spilled bottle of ink. Whoever had owned the thing before the whiskered boy clearly had it out for knowledge and self-learning, because that history book was good for neither.

He placed a cardboard cup on the bench, steaming with heat, and watched it like he was dying and the cup was the only cure.

She ignored his weirdness like he'd been doing for hers. There was an odd kind of companionship in that, and Laurel spared a brief moment to be thankful that this was the person who had laid claim to her lamp, rather than some asshole. He was a genuine sweetheart, from what she'd gathered in between history questions. "And is there a reason why you can't pass it without 'genie' magic?"

Naruto got really fired up, puffing his cheeks out like an angry squirrel. "The stupid teachers want me to fail, and they're boring and the lessons are useless-"

"Okay, okay," Laurel broke in, perched on a mildly dirty cushion and eyeing the rest of the apartment with a head full of cleaning time calculations, and years of experience. "How about this: you've still got a three months before the exam, right?"

Naruto didn't answer, forgoing it in favour of his divine cup. He dove in with a pair of chopsticks, and the witch watched in disgusted fascination as he inhaled it, chomping madly and swallowing like it would try to run away from him. It reminded her of Ron those few times he'd had to skip lunch, and when dinnertime came around… well, suffice to say that not a lot of people had the stomach to survive witnessing it. "What is that?"

The blonde boy finished his cup, and took a deep breath as if emerging from a deep dive. "Ramen! It's the best thing ever created, dattebayo!"

The witch-turned-genie winced at the volume again, "Hey, Naruto, I'm right here. You don't need to yell. It's hurting my ears a bit, kid." _Slight exaggeration, but whatever. Empathy stops bad habits faster. Pain inspires sympathy, which is close enough to count._

"Oh, sorry!" He stage-whispered, and she couldn't hold in a grin at his dramatics.

"You can just talk without yelling, whispering is a bit over the top. Anyway. As I was asking before, you've got a few months, right?"

"Yeah," he put the cup into the overflowing bin, where it rolled off the pile and into the slowly spreading circle surrounding it.

"I have an idea." She stated, wanting to get him interested enough to participate.

After a dramatic pause that made him twitchy, eventually curiosity took over. "What idea?" He started yelling again, and she waved her hands in a patting motion so he'd stop.

The boy gave her the cutest confused look, all wide blue eyes and puzzled frown. Laurel told herself she was overreacting, and she totally was. She'd get used to it, and then it'd be fine, she told herself. "Naruto, calm down, not yelling? I'll do this with my hands if you start doing it again, because it might take a while to remember not to." He nodded again, looking a bit discouraged. "Hey, it's just because I have sensitive ears after being in the silence for so long, not because I don't like you. I promise. Anyway, my idea is that since I'm here now, how about I help you study for the test. Rather than doing nothing for the next couple months and magicking you past it, so then you get to have another wish because you didn't use it."

It was half because she thought she could help him pass, and the other half because it sounded like he actually meant what she thought of when he said 'ninja'. Sneaking around and completing missions and actually having to kill people, or be killed by other enemy ninja (ninjas? How did plurals work?).

She'd rather not magic him through the test only to have him sent out into the field and killed because he didn't actually know what he needed to.

Even if she only got him halfway through passing, that was halfway closer than he would be, and instill some confidence in the kid if she managed to trick him into thinking he'd passed by his own efforts.

He reminded her a little of herself with the way he acted like nothing bothered him, but how he'd brightened when she'd suggested staying with him was exactly how she'd felt every time Ron and Hermione had chosen her over someone else.

He thought about it, "But even if I can't do it I'll still pass?"

Laurel nodded in agreement, hair sliding forward over one shoulder while some shorter bits poked her in the eye. _Stupidly messy hair._ "Yup. We'll just try to not use a wish first, so you still have three later." She clapped her hands enthusiastically, ready for action. "Now, so I can help you the best way possible, how about you tell me about yourself and what you like to do, and then we can nail down a plan."

"My name's Naruto Uzumaki, and I like ramen and pranking people, and Sakura-chan. I don't like books or learning, the Bastard, and waiting the three minutes for instant ramen. I'm gonna become Hokage and be a kick-ass ninja!" He grinned so wide she thought Naruto's face might crack in two.

Laurel only understood most of that, and she assumed 'bastard' and 'sakura' were specific people. "My name's Genie, and I like magic, cooking and reading. I don't like cruelty or laziness, and people who use others like tools. I want learn how to do more magic, and help you become a ninja."

She didn't tell him her real name because names had power, and especially in her case since it made it impossible to avoid commands from the lamp's master (as she and Hermione had tested earlier).

"You like pranking people?"

"Yeah, I painted Mizuki-sensei's house orange once, and I drew in the Old Man's porn books last week, and cut out bits of Wataru-sensei's notes!" He cheered, but managed to keep it at a reasonable volume.

She gave him a pat on the head for encouragement, and when he wasn't looking, pulled a face at the dirt grains in there. Did he bathe in sand or something? "What do your parents have to say about that?"

Naruto sank into the cushion he was sitting on, face darkening in glum sorrow. "I'm an orphan. My parents died when I was born."

Laurel empathised, mentally apologising for the rude thought just previously. "Me too. I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who were… not nice people. Do you have someone who takes care of you?" She doubted it by the state of his apartment. No true caretaker would let a child live like Naruto was.

"I take care of myself!" He declared, like there was nothing wrong with that sentence.

Maybe figuring out the lamp's biding magic wouldn't be such a bad thing if she wasn't having to think about it exclusively. Laurel remembered some ill-advised research binges (runes in general, the Triwizard Tournament, horcruxes: the list went on) and every single one had ended with her hitting a metaphorical wall, and then later usually a physical one. The solutions had only been found after Laurel had taken a break and let her subconscious mull over it.  
He wasn't a bad person, was a child in sore need of some kind of oversight and she was here. If no one else was going to take care of this adorable child, Laurel would try her best to do right by him. Her conscience wouldn't let her leave him alone now she knew a little bit about what his life was like. It was easier to just give in now.

"What do you say to me helping you figure stuff out instead? I don't have anyone either, so I can stay here with you and be your guardian or whatever."

He tackled her in a hug, face nearly splitting with the wide grin stretched across it and she barely stopped them from toppling over onto the floor. _This kid is unreasonably strong._ His eyes were closed tightly, probably in an effort to hide the tears leaking out of them. "You'll stay? Thanks Genie-nee-chan!"

The witch wrapped his small frame within her marginally larger one, one arm fitting around his back while the other stroked his hair comfortingly. "Hey, we can do this. I'll be the responsible one, you can be the cute enthusiastic one." The blonde yawned widely, even through his smile. "How about we get ready for bed, and we can think some more tomorrow. Do you have school?"

He nuzzled his face into her neck, mumbling a negative. With a feather-light charm cast on Naruto so she could get to her feet without overbalancing, Laurel picked him up and carried him through the open bedroom door.

The ginger-haired woman tucked him in like she wished someone had cared enough to do for her when she was younger, and sat with him for a while. Laurel threaded her hand through his hair and ignored any dirt that came out. She could deal with that tomorrow, after he'd slept. "Sweet dreams, Naruto."

[-]

The redhead had spent the night plotting instead of sleeping, since that was one of the changes now that she was bound to the lamp. She could sleep but she didn't necessarily need to, and the witch had spent her free time sorting out the details of the plan.

First, Laurel didn't want anyone to recognise her, so some different personas would be needed. One for when she was with Naruto, one for when she was going around publicly, and one for any sneaky things she might need to do. She planned to go out with Naruto at some point to get an idea for what was considered 'average looking', but that would only be for her away-from-Naruto civilian, and her sneaky disguise.

She'd started poking around the house once that was decided, and discovered it was worse than she'd thought. The lounge-living room-kitchen area was sparse and dirty, there was only three cushions for people to sit on, all of them second-hand and covered in patches and a weird shade of brown-grey that didn't look healthy. The carpet was raggedy and peeling up at the corners, the walls were bare plaster and forgotten shreds of wallpaper, with the occasional dotting of vibrant paint that was probably Naruto's doing.

The only proper window she could find was painted shut, and so dirty the only light that might get through was noon, and even that would probably be like the vague glow from the middle of a dense forest.

In the kitchen there was a stretch of bench against the wall piled high with dishes and rubbish, which eventually flowed off the left onto the actual rubbish bin. The sink was full of what seemed to be all of the dishes Naruto owned, and the only real things in the cupboards were spiders and instant ramen cups.

The bathroom was a similar state, with the shower-bath going grey and green, the sink going yellow, and the mirror so dirty it was like looking the inside of the lamp and expecting to be able to make out more than vague blobs. She'd noticed his lack of toothbrush, and a basic bar of plain soap was the only thing he had to clean himself with.

There was another small fogged-glass window in here, but it was also painted shut and so dirty as to be useless. The ceiling, surprisingly, didn't seem to have any water damage as usually happened with years of steam with nowhere to go.

Outside in the rest of the apartment building, the walls were covered in graffiti proclaiming offensive things about demons, and a quick **homenum revelio** told Laurel that Naruto was the only person living in the building, even. There was a person on the roof, apparently lying down and judging by the colour of the spell-induced aura, within earshot. But that was only for anything above a loud whisper, so Laurel's habitual volume would be fine. The witch could freak out about that later.

That was basically permission to go through the various levels and empty apartments for the purpose of looting. The next half hour was spent in rooms empty of furniture or literally anything even close to being useful, but instead full of dead spiders and dust. The building hadn't been in use for years, and apparently no one even bothered showing enough interest for the landlord to feel like they needed to clean things.

Why was a child living alone, in a building clearly avoided by everyone else, with no parental figure or supervision?

Laurel returned to Naruto's apartment in order to start getting breakfast ready. To the woman's horror, there wasn't much more in the fridge than some half-gone fruit and a bottle of milk. Otherwise there were about twenty instant ramen boxes in all the cupboards, and some clean lunchboxes with several sections. There was a moment of disassociation when Death-given knowledge insisted it was a bento box.  
Whatever they were, they were still in the original packaging, and had clearly never been used.

Giving into her current state of social ignorance, Laurel stayed inside and pulled her food basket from her bag of wonders, picking out some jam and a loaf of bread. She'd cooked all of the food in the basket herself, each put under it's own stasis charm and then enveloped in the basket-wide one. Layering stasis charms had the effect of slowing time indefinitely, from what she'd found. That had been one of the more interesting days in the Department of Mysteries.  
Most of it had been made in the middle of the night, when nightmares wouldn't let her rest but her brain was too fried from sleep-deprivation to do anything productive.

It was a reasonable hour now, she guessed, and cast a quick heating charm on the bread, conjuring a knife to cut it with when she couldn't find one in his kitchen.

The smell drew the small blonde out of the land of dreams and into the room, the sleepy blinks and slow stumbling warming her heart as she placed a few slices in front of him. The witch had been forced to clean a few dishes so they'd have things to eat with, and leaned against the bench since there was only one proper chair. She could transfigure a cushion or something later.

"Alright, once you've eaten we can get down to business. I have a list of things we're gonna do today, and then we can see what we can do training-wise. That okay with you?" Naruto didn't do more than blink at her, and she resisted the urge to mirror the expression back at him.

Laurel handed him more slices when he asked for them, and couldn't help carding a hand through his hair again. She ignored the subtle stiffening in his shoulders, and kept her movements slow and careful. It was very soft for something so ill-kept and dirty, and she decided that would be the first thing on the list.

He finished breakfast, and she nudged him over to the sink so when she started washing dishes he would dry them with the towel she'd provided.

"What are we doing today, Nee-chan?" He looked completely bewildered, but did as she directed while she started explaining.

"Okay, first we're going to clean this apartment properly. By that I mean the kitchen, the bathroom, all of the windows, all of your furniture, and you. I mean, I think you're adorable, Naruto, but being able to shake dirt out of your hair is not a good thing." She listed all of this very matter-of-factly, in the exact same delivery she'd heard from Hermione over the years.

"But I don't want-!"

Laurel interrupted him, having heard that exact cadence of complaint before. "I know, I know. Nobody really enjoys cleaning though, so it's not just you. It'll mean we can do some training in here, later, once we've cleared some space. Also I'm not sure if you notice how bad it stinks, and some light might be nice.  
"And if the kitchen's clean enough, I can actually make food. There's lots of good reasons for a clean house, and none for a dirty one except laziness." She pointed a finger at him flicking some bubbles his way. "This is part of me being the responsible adult, alright? I'm not gonna clean up after you all the time or nothing would ever get done, so we both have to clean up after ourselves."

She let that sink in, and started putting away all the dishes and utensils, pointing out spots he'd missed while drying and letting him have another go if needed. After that was done things looked slightly less terrible, and she decided the rubbish was the next thing to be dealt with.

A frown pulled at the witch's face, as she surveyed the task ahead, and nodded decisively. She shoved a small hand into her bag and muttered a wandless summoning spell - it was one of four spells she was capable of without using her wand, though with it they were more effective and less draining. She pulled out two pairs of cleaning gloves and handed one to Naruto. They should only be a little big on him, which was better than having to use bare hands.

Laurel and Naruto worked their way through most of it, but though she'd managed to open the windows, they hadn't cleaned them yet. She used this first effort to teach him how to clean properly, since with everything as far gone as it was, it was easy to tell when it wasn't done right. After he'd gotten the hang of it, she magicked the rest and they moved onto the next thing.

When the 12-year-old boy (Laurel had honestly thought he was 10) hadn't stopped complaining, she'd carefully pointed out that she could just as easily _not_ use magic, and then they'd have to do _everything_ by hand. This was a lesson, not a punishment, but if he wanted her to stop, it wouldn't affect the 'genie' either way.  
He backed up so fast it was a wonder he didn't manage to turn himself inside-out, and she laughed it off.

After cleaning and making him more presentable, they'd go out and Naruto would help her find the important buildings like a library, where his school was, and maybe a free space to do the inevitable physical training. He also wanted to take her to a place called Ichiraku, which apparently had the "Best Ramen Ever!" and that she hadn't tried it yet was soul-rending and she absolutely _had_ to before she died of Ramenlessness, which was a terminal illness and…

Well, Naruto's enthusiasm was cute, but Laurel got the feeling getting him to eat anything other than ramen was going to be one of the biggest challenges.

She'd asked about ninja techniques since Naruto had mentioned something called a 'henge', and the boy had demonstrated for her. The woman absently mused that it would be good for sneaking around the village, and in response the blonde had explained how he'd used it before to escape pursuers after a prank.

Laurel had luckily talked him out of using it for this time, but in the future it might be an exercise to play with him if it was a basic technique.

The witch was a big fan of creative knowledge use, and 'the basics' were often the most versatile things. It'd also be an easy enough thing to motivate him for, because there were so many uses she could imagine off the top of her head, including more than just the aftermath of pranks.

After going exploring, they'd need supplies. Stuff like food, personal hygiene objects, library books and - if Laurel could find one - some kind of time-keeping device like a calendar, so they could mark down the day of the exam and start the countdown.

But in the meantime, there was still the windows that needed doing, and while he was busy she could do something about the piecemeal walls and raggedy carpet.

[-]


	5. Pranking Is Not Pranking, It's Training

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5: Pranking Is Not Pranking, It's Training

[-]

Laurel's first impression of Konoha was 'strange' the second was 'rude', because apparently everyone thought Naruto some kind of demon and decided ostracising him would totally fix the problem. The few who couldn't avoid interacting with him altogether seemed to quote various parts of the graffiti she'd seen inside the apartment building, and as soon as Naruto was busy when they got back she was vanishing it!

The blonde in question faked cheerfulness as if it didn't bother him, but she could see him wince occasionally, and he kept giving her looks as if he was waiting for her to join in. _Over my dead body_ _,_ she chanted internally. Those conditions wouldn't be met for a good few decades, possibly even longer if she kept her magic cycling like the stronger mages were able to do.

The witch observed as people avoided him on the streets, mothers pulling their children away with mouths like hard lines. A few threw stones at him but that petered out when she glared at them with all the murderous intent of a blooded warrior. Whispers followed them everywhere, half of them questioning why Naruto would have a companion and what he did to trick her into thinking he was an actual human, a child. The other half were about Laurel herself and how she must be foreign, or deluded somehow. A few 'brave' people approached to tell her he was bad, he was loud, he was evil incarnate.

Laurel asked for proof. She asked for the foundation of their accusations, for the logic behind it and was answered with excuses and silence. _Hmm. Wonder if that's because they can't say, or they won't._ She narrowed her poison green eyes and watched the way they fled before them like a flock of angry pigeons. _Doesn't matter,_ she concluded, _I'll figure it out. And then I'll make them regret it. No child deserves this._

Her patience was sorely tested as she resisted the urge to curse people's mouths shut, and she was so busy being angry about it that she nearly missed the random people bouncing across the multi-leveled roofs above them. Naruto said they were 'proper' ninja, but she wasn't so sure when every single one of them ignored the crowd bullying her charge, and went right on by.

Actually, basically every ninja seemed to think if they pretended he didn't exist, he might cease to be. She saw a few scowls and cold looks directed at him even from the supposed 'village protectors'. _Not a lot of protecting going on,_ Laurel had to stop a low growl from building in her throat as she was reminded of her first post-Hogwarts summer.

Some deep breathing exercises didn't calm her down, but she was able to think through her roiling emotions which was just as good.

He didn't look guilty at all, so it wasn't something he'd done on purpose or likely even by accident. Naruto looked resigned and disappointed, maybe a little sad. No outright hatred or proper anger; although he could fake it well enough, it was the defensive kind.

The boy's smiling act had a dual purpose, and when Laurel figured it out she wanted to cheer. Half was because it kept them from thinking they'd actually bothered him, and was motivated purely by spite. The other half was because Naruto wanted to be happy, wanted to feel good, so faking it was a way of getting closer to that ideal.

They moved on, Naruto chattering 'happily' the whole way and telling her what he knew about the person who ran that store, or how "the lady living there has seven kids. Seven!" He talked about the four faces on the mountain overlooking the village and that they were the past leaders, though the third was currently in office.

Why that was, when there had been a fourth at some point wasn't something history book had really explained in depth. Laurel knew evasive circular talk when she read it, and most of that book had been censored to hell and back again, or rephrasing the same thing over in different ways. Naruto knew which was which, but didn't really know much about what they'd done, aside from being "awesome".

He eventually led them to the base of the four-faced monument, where apparently the Academy was. There was a lot of ninja traffic, and he explained it was also the Hokage's office and where the mission desk was. The witch calculated how long to took to get there, so she could make sure he would be awake in time for school the next day.

After that was the library, which apparently had a civilian section, and a shinobi section (another word for ninja). You had to have a forehead protector to get past, according to the pair guarding the door. They seemed friendly enough to her, all considered, and had obviously pegged her as a foreigner. Good, Laurel thought to herself, _that way when I sneak in later they won't suspect me_. She guessed her European features didn't help much, and the 22-year-old hadn't seen anyone else with vibrant copper hair either.

Again, Naruto was thrown out and scowled down at. If that was typical of the people in this village, it was no wonder Naruto had so much trouble with the test. No one to ask and no way of looking into it himself? Even Hermione would've had trouble with those odds.

Naruto (with permission) dragged her to his beloved ramen place, and greeted the servers with loud cheers, "Ayame-nee-chan! Jiji! We've come for ramen!"

Laurel couldn't contain a snicker in the face of his ridiculousness. They owned a ramen stand, so clearly they had to be here for ramen, but he was so darn enthusiastic she didn't want to tell him that and spoil his fun. While the boy was distracted by the teenage girl engaging him in conversation, the witch was subjected to a suspicious glare from the stall's owner.

Nevertheless, she perched herself on a seat next to Naruto, and gave the pair a small smile, "I'm Genie. Naruto here seems to have adopted me, so I thought I'd return the favour. He mentioned this place at least five times in the past three hours."

"Teuchi Ichiraku." Teuchi's eyes narrowed even further, and she guessed he was probably worried about her trying to steal or coerce the poor kid. She had no clue what to say to alleviate his concerns, considering everything coming out of her mouth would be assumed to be a lie without any proof to the contrary.

It was nice to see someone actually cared about Naruto though. No one else seemed to think a stranger hanging out with a child was odd at all. Even if she was clearly not from the area and could have any kind of motivation or plan. That was reassuring in a way since it demonstrated that it was just people being terrible because Naruto _did_ have people who cared about him, and to an emotionally attached person this whole thing registered as 'actually concerning'. It spoke well of Teuchi, and validated her thoughts on whether Naruto was actually being ostracised for a 'good reason'.

She couldn't really do much aside from prove herself through actions, honestly. That decided, the redhead turned to Naruto, "So, what's your favourite here, Naruto?"

He twisted so fast, Laurel couldn't contain a wince of sympathy, "Everything!"

"Well then, what are you going to order, squishy?"

"Miso ramen!"

She nodded, and looked back to Teuchi, "Can we have two bowls of miso ramen, please?"

Now, Laurel'd had a moment earlier in the day when they were walking around when she had realised she had no money for anything. She hadn't left the apartment before Naruto started showing her around, and so her first encounter with Konoha civilians hadn't endeared them to her at all. Since people had been so awful, she'd felt zero guilt taking money from them as she passed right by them via summoning.

No one had noticed anything, and she wasn't about to make Naruto pay for something that was supposed to be a treat. Also the vindictive side of her thought it was only fair the immature jerks paid for something to make him happy.

She took the opportunity to talk some more with Naruto about their grand plans. "So, from what I remember the main parts to being a ninja are the academics or general knowledge, then taijutsu or physical training, and ninjutsu or chakra training. Can you tell me what you need to know for your exams?"

Naruto kept his eyes on where Teuchi and Ayame were making his precious ramen, "Well for ninjutsu, there are the three ones we're taught at the academy. There's the henge, which I'm really good at, the replacement technique, which is a bit hard, and the clone one - _which is why I haven't graduated yet_."  
He muttered the last part under his breath, and after how their stroll had gone earlier, Laurel had an inkling there was more to that statement.

"What do you mean by that?" He glanced at her sideways, and she clarified before he could ask, quoting him, "You said 'why I haven't graduated yet'."

He twisted his face into a sullen scowl that only made him look like an angry kitten, "That's the ninjutsu they've tested us on for the last two years, ever since I started taking the graduation test."

Laurel ruffled his hair to help her avoid cooing at his cute little squishy face, but didn't say anything as the inkling solidified into a proper suspicion. Maybe she could talk to one of the teachers about it, especially if it happened again this year. "It's alright, we'll work on it together. Now, how about the rest?"

"For taijutsu you need to show them a basic taijutsu kata, fight one of the instructors and land a hit, and throw ten kunai and ten shuriken at a target and hit it. And the written test is all history and maths and boring stuff." Two steaming bowls were placed in front of the pair, with chopsticks to accompany.

The blonde boy dove right in, and Laurel wanted to elbow him to get his attention, "Thank you, it smells wonderful." She decided to go right for it, and caught him in one of the rare moments his chopsticks were in the bowl. "Naruto, be polite, please."

He stopped, and looked at her for a moment, before he remembered himself and what she'd been trying to teach him around breakfast that morning. "Right! Thank you, Jiji, Ayame-nee." Laurel gave him a fond smile and another hair ruffle before starting on her food.

[-]

They left after Naruto had eaten his way through five bowls, and Laurel had been content with her single one. She'd stopped him when he went pay, and pulled out the wad of stolen money, asking him to count it out for her. One of the things on the witch's to-do list was figure out the value of money, but that might take a few days.  
Teuchi had softened slightly as he collected the money Naruto had painstakingly counted out, and the pair wandered off with a wave.

"Now it's shopping time," she informed the blonde ball of ramen-fuelled energy. "We need some food, and a couple other things so we can cook tonight."

"What kinds of things?"

"Like a frying pan, some things for the oven - I did find a pot in your kitchen so we don't need that - and some toiletries. The rest can wait a bit, I think. So where's a grocery store around here?"

He had a doubtful look on his expressive face, but dutifully led her where she asked, stopping outside the door.

"Okay, let's go then," Laurel grinned, bouncing on her toes cheerfully. Food was one of the things she loved creating, no matter what mood she was in. Even the Dursleys hadn't been able to taint that for her. But Naruto didn't move. "Come on, I need you to show me where all the good stuff hides, kid," the witch nudged him with her hip.

He shook his head, and gave her a sunny smile, "I don't really like shopping, Nee-chan. I'd rather wait out here." Flicking her poison green eyes between the door and the boy's face, she decided this was something else entirely.

If Naruto didn't like something, he wasn't subtle about it. There'd been the cleaning this morning, for example: he'd been complaining and whining, until she convinced him it was in his best interests to stop. Then the thing with the school textbook, when he'd been glaring at it as if he wanted to use it for worm food.

She crouched the couple centimetres until their faces were level and she could see his summer-sky-blue eyes, even if his head was low and he wouldn't look up from his shoes. "Naruto, sweetheart, what's bothering you?"  
He shook his head, making her furrow her brow slightly. She wanted to make sure she looked after him properly, and that meant making sure he knew the best ways to shop (less money for more product, quality controls, etc), which meant he had to come with her. "Hey, I just want to help. I can tell there's something about this you don't wanna do, and if you tell me why I can come up with something to make it better. But I need to know what needs fixing before I can do anything about it." He still said nothing, but he glanced at her briefly.  
"Sweetheart, Naruto. Please, let me help? Tell me what's wrong with going grocery shopping," Laurel threaded a hand into his hair, cupping his cheek.

He finally met her gaze, "I don't want to go in…"

"Why?" She whispered, and stroked a thumb across his cheekbone while she waited.

"...They always yell at me and throw me out."

Laurel exhaled softly, and tugged him into a hug. "We could always try out a disguise," the witch spoke into his ear. "You could use a henge to look more like me, if that'd make you feel better? Practice sneaking around. That's what ninja do, so you've got to be good at that, too."

He giggled into her neck, "Really?"

"Yeah, how 'bout it? We can go in all sneaky, and they'll never know the difference! It'll be fun," She tightened her grip on him for a moment, and then drew back with her hands on his shoulders. "What do you think?"

"Yeah!" He smiled properly again, and Laurel could have cheered at the sight.

They stood outside for a couple minutes sorting the details, and the witch thought it might be necessary to remind him he needed to act like someone else too, or the disguise wouldn't matter.

To her surprise, Naruto was actually really good at it. He made his hair a dark copper (a couple shades darker than hers) and changed his face shape just enough that without the whisker marks he looked like someone else entirely. With paler skin and blue-green eyes in the same almond shape as hers, he looked completely different.  
To top it off, he started acting shy and using her as a shield, constantly quiet and only breaking it to whisper things to her. He took each step as if waiting for something to explode, and flinched at any loud noises.

She forced herself to maintain the calm smile as they explored the shop, but inwardly mused on who he might be copying. She didn't doubt that at one point in his life, Naruto would've been shy, but hiding behind someone only ever happened if there was a person trusted to stand between you and the scary thing.  
Every other unconscious hint said he'd never had that one person, and it made her sad deep inside. Not enough to cry, but she felt resigned to the cruelty of people.

They got through the store and collected all Laurel had decided they needed, and as soon as they got far enough from the store, the witch had to carefully put down all their things, and then proceeded to laugh her head off.

Naruto dropped the henge, and started laughing too. When they were leaning on each other and a wall, gasping for breath, red from happiness and sore in the rib area, she finally managed to collect herself. "Oh, Merlin. It's been a while since I've had so much fun. That was amazing, Naruto! That was a great prank."

Somehow the boy managed to blush even further, but yelled out enthusiastically, "That was a prank?!"

"Of course! What else do you call tricking someone into giving you something they want to keep from you?" He gaped a little, and she didn't try to hold back the snicker. "That's at least part of how we'll be training, you know. Pranking is good practice. You have to be sneaky, clever, spontaneous, and have accurate knowledge about your targets: all of which are things a ninja needs to be good at."

The blue-eyed boy looked like Christmas had come early, "You mean we'll be pranking _together_?"

"Sure! You strike me as the kind of person to learn by doing rather than listening or watching or whatever, so I'm going to go with it. Any other questions?"

"What are we gonna do next, Genie-nee?" He helped her collect the groceries again, and they started back toward Naruto's apartment.

"Well, when we get back I'm going to cook something for dinner, and we can go through your textbook a little and I can teach you some stuff from in there. And after that I need to go back to the library, and you'll be going to sleep."

"What're you making for dinner?"

"I haven't decided yet," she hummed under her breath, considering what she had in her bag compared with what she'd just bought.

"Can we have ramen?" Naruto interrupted her train of thought, and the witch held in a sigh.

"No, kid. There's more to life than ramen, and you need a varied diet or you'll get sick. If you're sick you can't be a ninja, so then you have to eat different things than just ramen all the time."  
She spotted him opening his mouth, and she interrupted him before he could get started. "Different flavours of ramen are still ramen. I mean different as in either cereal or toast in the morning, a sandwich and fruit for lunch, a proper meal for dinner."

He closed his mouth, and seemed to think about this, and the rest of the walk was spent in silence punctuated by jeering (that both of them ignored).

[-]


	6. Warning, A Stranger Approaches

So this is my first attempt at Kakashi POV. Lemme know what you think!

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6: Warning, A Stranger Approaches

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Kakashi first knew something was up when Tenzou pulled him aside before their weekly training. Well, masked ninja thought of it as training, the brunette had claimed it was closer to ritual torture. _What nonsense. If I wanted to torture him I'd never let him find me unless I was somewhere compromising like the onsen, or I'd move into his apartment properly. Tenzou would try to kill me in two days flat._

He didn't say anything, and waited for his kouhai to speak about whatever it was that was bothering him, which he did. Tenzou sounded kind of cautiously anticipating, like something unusual had happened and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. "Uh, Kakashi-senpai, do you know anything about a redheaded woman seen with Naruto?"

 _There haven't been any people close enough to count as 'redhead' in years, aside from travelling Suna merchants that stay at the markets. An Uzumaki descendant?_ "Hmm?" He looked up from his current Icha Icha book, and focused on Tenzou's concerned expression. The silver-haired man saw the aborted twitch at the fact he was visibly paying attention, which (as his cute little kouhai knew) meant he was actually interested. "A redhead?"

"There's a civilian woman with orange hair who was seen since yesterday evening, in Naruto's apartment with him. Mouse just told me, since she only just came off shift. They're on their way to the Academy right now, and no one knows where she came from. Mouse said she just appeared out of nowhere."

 _Orange, not the actual red of an Uzumaki. But Sensei said they sometimes had other colours like blue, purple and orange._ The older man folded the book with a finger to keep his place and let that hand fall to his side. As he shifted his balance, Tenzou couldn't suppress a panicked jerk. Kakashi was pleased that the former-Root still felt comfortable enough to express his emotions. "Appeared," his voice sounded only mildly curious, but that was about as enthusiastic as he ever got, externally.

He gave a single firm nod, "Like she just appeared inside. No one saw her walk in from the street, or go up the stairs, or go through a window-"

"-We shut those permanently, anyway." Kakashi reminded the brunette.

"Only on the top two floors," Tenzou retorted before finishing off his list, "Or even spotted her on the roof. It was just, one minute there was only Naruto talking to himself as usual, and then Mouse hears him yelling an introduction. I mean, we all know what he's like, but that's beyond strange, senpai. So then Mouse said she went over to check it out, and there's a teenage civilian that he's talking to. And they saw her interacting with objects and stuff, and it wasn't a genjutsu, and she doesn't look like anyone we've ever seen talk to him before."

Kakashi hummed in thought, "What else do we know?" Infiltrators hardly ever got past the gate, and were usually spotted pretty quickly. Only previous Konoha shinobi could fake being one of them accurately enough to pass through without scrutiny, and Naruto's building was far enough from the main roads for it to be obvious when someone was going out of their way. Still close enough to the Hokage's building to make a tempting target, and make it easy for the ANBU guards though.

Since Naruto's graduation was coming up, until their Jinchuuriki had a proper sensei to keep him out of trouble, Kakashi's old squad was assigned to watch duty. They couldn't risk having a less-talented one after a group of missing nin made it into the city and started looking for him. If the boy hadn't been at one of his meeting with the Hokage, they might have actually caught him. How they'd gotten in was a bit of mystery, since they had information that could only have come from an insider.

"He calls her 'Jinii-nee-chan', and she seems to be placing herself as a caregiver of sorts. They've been cleaning all this morning, apparently, and unstuck those windows you glued. She hasn't noticed any of our watchers, even though a couple times they passed over the roof as hidden as normal ninja.  
"According to Badger she's got the passively-controlled chakra of a civilian, so she's not been formally trained and might just be the bait, rather than the hook as well. She acts like a foreigner, too, possibly from one of the smaller places where their either aren't a lot of ninja or they don't bounce off roofs. Badger wanted me to ask if you'd come take a look, senpai."

Tenzou watched what little he could see of the silver-haired ninja's face while he contemplated his options, and eventually came to a decision, "Aah, might as well." He flipped his book open and started reading it again, calling absently over his shoulder, "You coming?" Maybe this woman was part of that same group, intending to lure Naruto outside the protective walls so he could be snatched.

They meandered out of the training grounds until there were some more convenient rooftops to bounce across, and Kakashi led them to the Academy, where they did indeed come across a cheerful Naruto showing a short young woman around.

 _Late teens to early 20's, about 155 to 160 centimeters tall, weight probably around… 45kgs._

A quick flash of sharingan confirmed Badger's assessment of her chakra coils, but aside from the sheer size, there was something strange about them that he couldn't pinpoint. The cycles of her coils looked weird. Not civilian-wild, or shinobi-trained, but weird all the same. If to a proper chakra sensor it was unrestrained enough to disqualify ninja training, it was likely something else that was bothering him. She wouldn't be able hide it forever under their scrutiny.

 _Most likely a civilian, copper-orange hair, massive chakra reserves: possible Uzumaki? Pale skin from a lack of sunlight, strange green eyes, wide round shape - unnatural. Face structure indicating high-born or noble descent. Body language confident but not arrogant, foreigner to Konoha and treatment of the Jinchuuriki, and ninja in general. Protective of Jinchuuriki in public._

The jounin had the urge to really test if she was a civilian or not, and didn't see a reason not to follow through with it.

He jumped down one street across, and walked so he'd be passing in the opposite direction. He feigned inattention slightly harder than usual, and nearly walked into the pair he'd been observing.  
It was only "nearly" because the woman moved so she was between Naruto and himself, and nudged the blonde over so she never actually touched him.

 _Impressive awareness instincts for a civilian, possibly genuine about protecting Jinchuuriki, with body used as a shield subconsciously. Indicates prioritising her health second to his._

He returned to Tenzou as if nothing had happened, and indicated with some ANBU handsigns that they'd continue trailing them until they returned to the apartment.

The pair went to the library briefly, her giving the blonde boy a few simple riddles and pointing out interesting things on the way, and then afterwards the woman let Naruto grab her hand and drag her on a wild chase until they reached Ichiraku Ramen.  
She laughed as they ran, seeming to take joy from the boy's enthusiasm, and neither was breathing hard when they reached the stand.

 _Fairly active for a civilian; not a noble. Open with emotions, childlike play habits. Observant physically, if not with chakra._

She'd seen Tenzou a couple times by this stage, but he was following Kakashi's orders and being barely visible, since with his ANBU mask he was the more anonymous one.  
The older ninja had put a henge over his pale hair anyway, unwilling to risk being spotted if she was a sensor. The redhead hadn't twitched, even when he was sneaking across the roof directly beside her.

Teuchi seemed pretty suspicious of the new girl, but Kakashi was amazed when she managed to get Naruto to say thank you, let alone stop him partway through a bowl of ramen.

The silver-haired ninja actually started reading his book while waiting for Naruto to finish eating, but didn't miss when the civilian paid for the meal and Naruto's pathetically transparent smile of gratitude and astonishment.  
(Kakashi ignored the twinge of pain at the thought that Minato's son was so mistreated that someone else paying for his food once registered as a source for hero-worship)

They were discussing the graduation exam for the Academy, and he picked up on what the civilian seemed to have with her pointed question about the basic clone.

 _Might be something to bring up with the Academy instructors and check to see if it's true. It's not like I've bothered paying attention to that end of things. I just fail them after that._

They reached the grocery store that Jinii had indicated she wanted to go to next, and though she was bouncing excitedly, Naruto was shrinking in on himself.

Kakashi recognised the place as one of the more vehement store owners, and decided it would be a good opportunity to get a glimpse of the woman's character, so snuck closer. With chakra enhancing his hearing, he could hear the whole conversation.

When she noticed how the child had stopped, she tried to encourage him, "Come on, I need you to show me where all the good stuff hides, kid."

When he mumbled about wanting to stay outside, she immediately switched tracks, and crouched in front of him, eerie green eyes intense in her concern. She asked about what was bothering him, and after a minute spent convincing him she genuinely wanted to know and help, he told her.

"I don't want to go in…"

"Why?" She seemed genuinely confused, but whispered since the blonde didn't want anyone else knowing.

 _Definitely a foreigner. Also, naive. After people have been cursing him all day, she really didn't consider that it would extend to his living conditions and further? Very naive._

"...They always yell at me and throw me out."

He heard her puff of breath, somehow sounding both self-deprecating and disappointed, and with the glimpse he got of her face over Naruto's shoulder, she was cursing herself for not guessing.

The solution she came up with was clever, though. Making it a game, both to cheer him up and keep him from giving himself away under a henge. Also, disguising it as training. Because according the conversations, she was going to try help him train even though she clearly had no clue about anything, and was going to take care of him.  
She was brave, at least. If she wasn't a spy or a lure.

 _That grin suggests a sense of humour, and the subject implies a darker one than most civilians tend towards._

He followed unnoticed through the store, and was actually impressed with Naruto's acting. He has no clue the kid had it in him, the only jutsu he'd ever heard of the kid using before was his 'sexy jutsu', and that didn't require more than the transformation itself.

(He had the sudden thought that one day Naruto would use it in front of this woman, and he had no idea what the reaction would be. It was unlikely to be a positive one. _Hmmm_ )

They didn't buy anything of real interest, but Kakashi was amused when outside they both collapsed against a wall and each other because they were laughing so hard. It wasn't really that funny, but he supposed it could be a tension release for the constant hatred and apathy as well.  
When Jinii started talking again, he felt his amusement kick up a notch. Not only was a civilian going to be training him, she was going to do it by pranking.

He listened in for their plans, and after that, he scheduled himself to be on watch later on, when the redhead claimed to be going to the library.

By that hour the library was closed for civilians. She obviously knew this, because he'd watch her pester the civilian caretaker into telling her all the rules as she probed for the justification behind denying Naruto. Of course there wasn't any and there never would be, but she'd listened to every single one of those rules and memorised them.

 _Like the tricky kind of rule-breaker, abusing technicalities and loopholes to wiggle their way to freedom_ \- Kakashi had the sudden horrifying thought that she would teach this to Naruto, and then... nothing would stop him. Nothing at all. _Dear Kami._  
Wait, he could use that. Just plant some evidence, organise a meeting at a certain place after he knew it was trapped and watch his comrades flail. And then get the satisfaction of watching everyone at fault escape unscathed while the victims fumed in vain. _Hmmm, could be fun._

But aside from all that, why couldn't she go during the day, or already have what she would be going back to collect? It was suspicious, and he wanted to know what she could be getting up to.

"...There's more to life than ramen, and you need a varied diet or you'll get sick. If you're sick you can't be a ninja, so then you have to eat different things than just ramen all the time." The civilian interrupted as soon as she'd noticed the blonde opening his mouth to retaliate. "Different flavours of ramen are still ramen..."

After that, the masked jounin had to excuse himself, resisting the urge to laugh as Naruto got lectured on the physical properties of ramen and it's lack of healthy elements.  
Minato had never been quite _that_ brave.

[-]

Later on, after Laurel had read the child a story from one of her fairytale books (gifted by Hermione every year, after once referencing Cinderella and realising the smaller girl didn't know it) and he'd gone to sleep, the witch decided it was time for sneaking.

Since transfiguration was permanent on inanimate-to-inanimate or animate-to-animate, she used that instead of a colouring charms for her disguise. After a day of being outside and mingling, she'd been exposed to enough types of body and face shapes, and 'normal' colouring to pass for another face in the crowd. Laurel had a good idea of what she needed to blend in here.  
The bulk of the population was dark haired, mostly browns and blacks, tending towards straight and spiky more than anything else. Brown eyes were the most common, ranging from tawny brown to so dark it looked black, but there were some blues, greys and hazels every now and then. Skin was either tanned or pale, there wasn't a lot in between, and she hadn't seen a single person with freckles! Only some facial tattoos, sometimes. Clothing varied wildly, though the Konoha citizens tended toward greens and browns, there were still reds and yellows and blues aplenty.

Naruto actually looked pretty foreign, which might have had something to do with the hatred he faced everywhere. With his individual kind of colouring, it seemed unlikely there was _another_ child out there with blue eyes, blonde hair, supremely tanned skin and whiskers. The obnoxious orange-and-blue pyjamas - sorry, she meant "jumpsuit" - on top of that wasn't really necessary.

Using her minor metamorphmagus powers, she shifted her body to look more slender, and taller. She couldn't change her mass, but she could change how it was arranged, and made it so she looked fairly masculine.  
With a choppy brown men's cut, and no face showing, anybody who saw her would take her for a short guy, rather than a petite young woman. Unless specifically revealed, it was all-but-impossible for anyone to nail her as the true thief.

Even better, it was a physical change, rather than an illusionary one, which would change her body language, and everything like that so she couldn't give herself away unconsciously. It was an ability she'd taken advantage of on many Auror raids, and hiding from rabid fans. It just wasn't worth going out into the wider Wizarding World as herself, even after they'd calmed down post-war and Hermione had used the law to work some common sense back into the bumbling majority.

With a tremble of excitement at getting back to the action, the green-eyed witch transfigured a stray pillow into a duplicate sleeping on the pile of blankets she'd made her temporary bed, and promptly left on near-silent feet. Years of the Dursleys and wandering Hogwarts after hours had taught her the true 'cat's walk', as her friends had called her way of sneaking up behind them. The twins had delighted in watching her walk behind someone and suddenly announce herself in a way guaranteed to make that someone jump and swear.

As promised, she vanished the graffiti in the hallway and stairwell on her way down, and cast her various 'sneaking around' spells after reaching the base floor. She darted out the door and made her way towards the library at a steady lope, completely unseen. Laurel had the invisibility cloak on over top, but since she was moving fast it would flutter and shift enough that without extra camouflage her legs would show.  
That didn't even touch on scent, sound or heat, all of which revealed a human presence. She couldn't make herself intangible, but the witch was definitely every other kind of ghost.

She arrived in less than five minutes, and poked around cautiously for any kind of magic barriers to prevent people going in, or alarms. From what she could tell there weren't any, but she wasn't all that surprised at this outcome.  
Some cautious questions to Naruto had revealed they didn't have anything like magic words, but chakra was something else entirely, and had "hand seals" - or what looked like a very complicated game of patty-cake.

She tried some of the hand seals herself to no effect, and got her charge to try out her wand just in case, but it looked as if they were two separate kinds of energy. They might be able to affect each other, but without experimentation she had no way of knowing.

Every person she'd encountered so far radiated chakra to various degrees, and now that Laurel had a confirmed name for the foreign energy, it was a lot less nerve-wracking for her to stay within a metre of Naruto. He had the most output, like standing next to roaring bonfire. The civilians ranged between candles to lit clumps of coal, and the range for her feeling chakra was all-but touch-based for them. The witch had only noticed it when they brushed right up against her in the street.

Now, Laurel knew basically nothing about being a ninja or how to train one, and Hermione had taught her the value of books enough that she was about to steal and/or copy the most interesting ones from the library. She'd checked the civilian section, just to check she could actually read the books - yes, as long as she didn't try to see what she was reading, since that only resulted in headaches. So comprehension was a 'yes' while reading was a 'no' - and knew she'd be back once that was confirmed.  
Honestly, Death's help had been invaluable in keeping her from screwing up in this world. Being illiterate at her age would be a red flag, concerning, humiliating and restrict her opportunities so much. If she had to rely on Naruto's kanji comprehension, they would've gotten nowhere fast.

There were two guards, just outside same door where they'd been before, but Laurel had been looking for alternate ways in earlier. As they'd left for Ichiraku, she'd spotted this street and gotten Naruto to chase her down it for a better look. Laurel'd found this convenient little space, and mentally marked it as her entrance.  
There was a back wall, only made of double-layered wood planks, the same as the rest of the library (mental measurements were supremely useful with muggle structures when looking for hidden spaces - and since magic was traceable, this rule also applied to forbidden places in magical homes. Laurel had used muggle logic as a weapon as an Auror).

She had no hesitation with a temporary vanishment, hoping if there was any trip wires they wouldn't cover every inch of the place. If something did go wrong, she could apparate or wait them out, or something. The woman might even be able to pull herself back inside her lamp and then emerge from there again, since now that she had a 'master' she could basically do what she wanted. Well, there'd been experiments to see if she was still stuck in there, but Laurel now had free reign over appearing in the physical world or staying in the pocket dimension to all the limits she'd been able to test. Dying, or Naruto forcing her in there were still yet to be determined.

The witch stepped through cautiously, unvanishing the wall behind her once she was clear of the opening, and spun on one heel to observe the room. It was clean, with dark wood shelves from floor to ceiling and a smooth wood-paneled floor. There were three grouped sections, each with a wooden sign hanging from the roof. She couldn't see what they said from here, but Laurel had managed to come in through one of the only empty patches of wall. _Potter luck, naturally._ She walked silently to the front of the sections, and checked the door between her and the two guards was closed.

A breath of relief escaped her when she knew that she wouldn't have such a hard time completing this without being noticed. _Excellent. Now, basic books for training Naruto…_

She glanced at each of the three signs: Genin, Chuunin, Jounin, and remembered them from that textbook of Naruto's. After graduating the Academy, Naruto would be a genin, reaching Chuunin-level came after taking another practical test or getting a field promotion, and Jounin was the highest rank aside from Hokage, who were the ones who taught the genin.

She went for the lowest rank's section, and came across another division, E and D. She didn't know what these were for, but figured since the order seemed to start at E and go up, she'd better begin there.

Laurel looked for something for every part she wanted to work on with him, thinking on what Naruto had said was in the graduation test.  
 _Something for taijutsu, maybe on the correct katas and forms. I need the basics of chakra use, maybe something on the Academy Three he mentioned, since his clones are a problem that need to be solved. One about the...kunai? Throwing weapons, in any case. And - just for fun - something on trapping. That's basically pranks, and could be quite fun._

Laurel picked up various books, titled things like "Chakra Basics", "Burning Leaf Taijutsu (Academy style)", "Kunai, Shuriken and Senbon", "Tricky Traps, and Much More", and just for kicks, "The Four Hokage and Other Historic Titans". The witch copied them with one of the spells from the Black Library - of course it was a Black spell, who else would delight in stealing the knowledge of enemies illegally and getting away with it?

She seriously considered a few others, one on four alternate taijutsu styles that could also be considered basic, a book on basic chakra control exercises and nature transformation, one on yin and yang, and the differences between them and interesting uses of each.

"History of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Part 1" sounded super interesting, and at a quick glance, Laurel noticed it was a slightly less sanitized version of the history Naruto had at home. Considering the condition his copy was in, it was worth getting another, so she used the spell on that one too.

After replacing the volumes where she'd found them, the witch shrank and hid her new books in a pocket, and started on her way home. If she needed those books, Laurel knew where they were. It would be a simple matter to sneak back in and get more, if this was the level of security she had to deal with.

[-]


	7. Laurel is Not Actually That Sneaky

Hello, hello! Thank you all for your support, and some interesting ideas have already been sparked by reviews.

[-]

7: Laurel is Not Actually That Sneaky

[-]

"Good morning, sunshine!" Laurel basked in her unnatural cheerfulness that morning, and pestered Naruto into sitting at the table, where she had a steaming omelette and three pieces of toast ready for him. She absently munched on her own blackberry-jammed-toast, perching herself on the bench this time around since it was clean.

Naruto tiredly blinked his way through breakfast, trying to wake up while the witch alternated between internally cooing over her young charge, and watching the sunrise outside. It was in the final weeks of winter, and she had a little less than three months to help Naruto become confident enough to pass the test.  
She didn't really believe he was incapable of passing without her help, so she just needed to make sure he knew that he knew what he needed to.

While he was at school Laurel was planning to go over the books, since when she'd gotten back from the library the witch had felt like she earned a sleep. There had been nightmares, but no more than usual, and she'd woken up early enough to bake some fresh blueberry muffins.

Since she was thinking of it, "Hey, Naruto, you need a packed lunch for school right?" At his nod, she started packing him one, using one of the untouched bento/lunch boxes. She put one muffin in, some carrot sticks and a couple sandwiches. "Need anything else?"

"Nah," he swallowed his food before continuing at her unbelieving stare. "Only paper if I need to take notes, and I don't because most of the time I'm sent out of class until the lesson is over."

Laurel let herself gape at him, thinking, _that is completely absurd!_ "Kid, after school, you're gonna tell me exactly what happens during school hours most days, teachers and students. That is _not_ what school should be like." _You know what? Screw that, I'm going to follow him today. See what it's really like, just in case he's exaggerating or downplaying something._ "I'll pick you up after school, and we can start scheming our first prank." _I can skim over the books during the day. Watching children at school is going to be boooooring._

The witch considered her previous plans for the day and realised it meant she'd be unable to do the clothes washing. She'd been plotting to steal Naruto's bedsheets and other clothes to get them all as clean as the rest of the apartment now was.  
She might be able to manage it if she set it to washing itself and dried it with a spell once she got back, but that seemed risky in a town full of ninja. She didn't know that Naruto _didn't_ have a ninja fairy godmother watching over and stopping people from actually genuinely trying to kill him. Or if anyone was likely to look in the now-clean windows as they bounced past. No matter how fast someone was moving, bedsheets washing themselves was going to make them stop for a second look.

Laurel realised getting that history book might turn out to be more useful than first expected. Knowing more about why everyone hated Naruto would be exceedingly useful.

The boy in question drew her back outside of her head when he tried to leave the table and somehow made the chair tip back, crashing on the floor with a loud bang.  
She jumped off the bench, and was kneeling next to him on the floor in less than a second. Laurel examined his ankle with the trained eye of a healer, "You've twisted it, squishy. Let me get some ice, and don't try walking on it."

The witch turned so anyone looking in the window and Naruto couldn't see what she was doing as she poked in the freezer and conjured some water before freezing it. She hadn't yet gotten around to actually making any normally, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered.

When she turned back, the 12-year-old was sitting in his now-upright chair, face blank and generally unbothered. She cupped the ice in her hand, ignoring how her fingers went numb. Once the redhead thought her hand was cold enough, she switched which one was holding the ice, and placed her makeshift icepack over where the swelling would form. "That alright?"

Naruto looked a little confused, but indicated his agreement. "Nee-chan, why're you doing that?"

"Ice stops it from swelling up as bad, which makes it heal faster," She explained, switching the ice once more and placing her other hand on his ankle.

He scratched his head, still frowning, "But why bother when it'll be fine in another minute?"

Laurel forced herself not to react, "What do you mean?"

"It usually only takes, like, three minutes for something like this to heal. It's longer if it's broken, that can sometimes take an hour." He shrugged, unknowing of what he'd just confessed to.

The witch drew her hand back slowly, and pretended it was nothing big that he could heal a broken bone in an hour or less. "Well, if you say so," she acquiesced, "I guess you can just sit there until it's better, and I'll start on the dishes."

He wasn't lying, either. Not that she thought he would without a good reason, but he was actually able to walk perfectly fine in time to dry the dishes again. She had to ask, "Is that a normal ninja thing? Healing a twisted ankle in a couple minutes?"

"I guess?" Naruto shrugged, "I've never really noticed if anyone else can do it, but a lot of the girls complain during taijutsu practice about dirt and bruises and stuff. I think it's a girl thing, because the guys never do."

 _We'll see_ , "Well, tell me if you notice anything like that today, too? That's not something anyone else I know can do, is all." She finished the last of the plates, and rummaged through her bags for a change of clothes. "Naruto? I'm going to have a quick shower."

She shut the door behind her, put her head in her hands for a mild freak-out to get it out of her system before she had to resort to the mental arena, and then turned on the water so it could warm up. Laurel was unpleasantly surprised to discover the reason for the lack of mold on the ceiling was because there was no hot water, and therefore no steam.

After letting out a strangled scream, and hearing a sadistic male chuckle, she hurried through her shower and getting dressed, towel-drying her hair and pulling it up into a high ponytail to avoid getting a wet shirt.  
Ordinarily she would've spell dried it, even if it apparently made hair break easier - _'Convenience rules all'_ , she mentally quoted Ron - but if that laugh wasn't confirmation that there was someone other than Naruto here with her, she didn't know what would be. That was not in any way Naruto's laugh, and she knew it.

Him having and ninja fairy godmother was a joke, damn it all! If it was possible for either of the beings she'd brought with her to have orchestrated this, Laurel would have had no hesitation in pranking them in return, older than time or her own creation completely notwithstanding.

She'd have to fix that water problem later, probably when she went through and fixed up the rest of the building.

That meant she needed to sort out her room as soon as she could, so Laurel wouldn't have to live out of her bigger-on-the-inside bag. And the less magic she performed visibly, the better. _Ugh, not again._  
With a shudder to shake off memories of forcefully magicless summers, she returned to the main part of the living space.

Naruto was in his bedroom probably getting changed into his clothes, and the witch was pleased to see the dishes had been put away as well. She pretended to be busy in the corner of the room, and pulled her wand from the holster on her right arm so she could cast a notice-me-not on the area she was in.

The green-eyed woman summoned an old summer cloak, her shrunken bed frame and mattress, her rune-embroidered 'sweet dreams' blanket, a closet, and her sleeping clothes. The cloak was transfigured into a partitioning curtain, the bed assembled - Laurel had to summon her pillow, which she'd forgotten - and the closet was for the sleeping clothes and bag.

With a bit of clever wandwork Laurel managed to set the notice-me-not to gradually fade over time, and presumably by the time the day was over it would have faded completely. That way any watchers would notice it subconsciously first, and by the time they could actively acknowledge it, it would be considered normal.

That was the theory anyway.

And since she had sneaky things like following Naruto to school to do, combined with confirmed observers, Laurel needed a distraction - some way of keeping them thinking that she was still here. _Changeling is made for this_ , the witch reminded herself. And it was a very good thing her body double had a large pranking streak, because this would keep her entertained in a non-destructive way.  
If let loose, Changeling tended towards bamboozling people into believing the truth was lies and every lie she spoke was gospel. It was hilarious to watch, but horrendous to clean up afterwards, which Laurel was usually in charge of after the golem went back to sleep or returned to her spell practice.

She hadn't dared to unleash Changeling for exactly that reason, because here there wasn't any Hermione or Neville to keep her entertained while Laurel herself was busy. Added to that, her double was as well-trained as the witch, since they had to be able to switch out with no noticeable differences.

The witch had been working on a golem, an earthen elemental which was traditionally constructed and then used as a guardian for some kind of treasure. They were created through some rather intensive magical rituals combining clay with blood, and controlled through magically imbued jewels. It was extremely complex, draining and dangerous. The only complete copy of the ritual Laurel had ever found was in the Black Library and marked as 'hazardous'. For the Blacks who considered bone-breaking and blood-boiling curses just a party favour, she figured it'd have to be pretty bad to be labelled as outright hazardous.

Admittedly, she hadn't been trying to make a golem at first, just a simple illusion convincing enough at a distance.

But then there was all the negative attention (kidnapping, revenge, and so on), positive attention (fans, not that Laurel ever actually thought that was positive) and her general inability to be alone without someone trying to get something from her. Of course, this was all before she'd figured out the runes for anonymity, because nothing ever came easy. Or in the right order. Other examples of this were the chocolate frog card and Nicholas Flamel, or Hermione getting petrified with the page in her hand, or Sirius' letters after the Dementors saying stay where she was. Yeah, that worked out well.

That eventually combined with one of Laurel's lifelong dreams of having family. Having a sister would be ideal, and the witch had spent her time in the cupboard trying to figure out what having a twin might be like. It was a more extreme version of an imaginary friend.

On top of that, she wanted someone to teach. Like an apprentice but more personal, like a child but without the time span, like younger sibling but without the rivalry.

As usual, it was Hermione who helped her go from a spark of an idea and a dream into something much more physical.

She had suggested a book on animation of inanimate objects, like the statues protecting Hogwarts and the suit of armour so she could enchant something to walk around her house, pick up things or whatever while having a complex glamour so it looked like her, for the kidnapping issues.  
Laurel had run with it, but probably a lot further than her bookworm friend had expected. There was a _reason_ Luna and Laurel had gotten along so well during school, even if they couldn't be in the same room by that point in their lives.

First step was to find an appropriate shell to build it out of. To exactly no one's surprise, there were all kinds of issues with that since Laurel didn't want just a visual double. It needed to be something that could accurately pass as a person and react to situations as if it was a person. Well, in actual fact she'd wanted it have its own personality, but she figured she could work up to that.

And with most of the people that needed to be fooled by this construct being magical, they instinctively knew when someone (or something) had no magical core. Objects felt different from people, and muggles felt different from squibs, which felt different from a witch.  
That wasn't to say that most wizards and witches could tell the difference between one of them and a magical creature. It was simply the presence of a contained magical source that registered within most people's sensory capabilities. Those with specific talent might be able to tell through experience, but Laurel had never met anyone to ask about that, so it was only ever an unproved theory.

Laurel had experimented with lots of different materials and none seemed to do what she wanted. Wood gained and lost magic too quickly like heat in sand. Some spells made it grow while others overloaded it until it caught on fire and the witch could say goodbye to any progress made up to that point.  
Stone didn't conduct magic well enough, and was too strong and heavy to accurately pass as a person.  
A set of metal armour channeled magic just fine, but under certain types of magical resonance it melted, shattered, or even straight out exploded. It had only taken one time for Laurel to get sick of metal shards trying to separate her head from her body, but it had happened another two anyway.  
Any combination of the three tended towards awkward and misshapen, especially since what one thing reacted to, the other two didn't. For example, in one case the wood grew, the metal warped and the stone wasn't affected by it at all.

She'd gotten quite desperate before coming across the blood-infused clay recipe for a proper golem, and it was definitely for the better that she didn't reach the stage of carrying out any of those half-baked plans.

So after deciphering and remaking the ritual, exchanging the plain jewels for rune-inscribed ones and bonding a heart-sized bloodstone to her so it would give her golem the correct form, Laurel finally managed to carry it out.  
It had drained her of magic for a week and nearly killed her with that alone, not even touching on the magical burn scars like ferns striping her torso from the oversaturation of her own power, or the blood loss because all of the runic markings had to be made with freshly spilled blood and she wasn't going to kill someone. Changeling was still learning the finer points on social interaction as her own person, rather than just mimicking Laurel's, but the magical construct looked like her, acted like her, and was solid enough to do things herself.

Laurel had used her to help around the house, ignoring the fact it would negate the surprise factor of her if anyone came in to kidnap her again. She'd needed to learn how to be a person in practice as well as theory. They prepared as well as they could for the times someone tried to kill them again, things like tactics, spell warfare, and even using gymnastics combined with martial training to evade and escape.  
She might have excellent wards, but they were not in any definition 'fool-proof'. Idiots still came up with stuff the witch had never even dreamed of.

The redhead had nicknamed her Changeling after the old fairy-stories about changelings being swapped with babies, and the real children stolen away. Ginny had grinned, admiring the irony of it all, but Hermione had just gotten this pained look and buried herself further in her book while the pair cackled madly around the coffee table in Laurel's lounge. Luna would've enjoyed it too, if she'd been there to hear about it.

No watchers would have noticed anything with the the big 'stay-away' of a notice-me-not, so Laurel openly summoned her stolen book copies and one of Ginny's, and shoved them in the pocket of her jacket.

Lastly, she detached Changeling from her shrunken and sleeping state on the redhead's necklace, and cast the correct spells to disable them. " **Augeo** , **eviglio aetus**." Changeling blinked and rubbed her right eye tiredly, but looked around nonetheless to examine where the threat was. "I need you to stay in the bathroom until I come back and get you, I'll explain more then because I don't have much time, okay?" Laurel waited for a nod of agreement, and her double to go toward the indicated door before double checking the layout of the room, and finalising any last touches.

In an effort not to stand out any more than necessary, the witch had worn a short high-collared dress over a pair of warm leggings with simple lace-up leather shoes. She'd picked her favourite brown wool jumper, one gifted from Neville and charmed with windproofing and water-repellant charms on the inside layer. It might look like she was getting cold to everyone else, but she wouldn't have to feel it and the sleeves were long enough to hide her wrist and most of her hands.

Naruto tried to walk out the door without a scarf or gloves, and so she forced some of her extras on him, and pulled a hat down over his eyes before running off. He caught up quickly, and grinned at her, delighted to have someone to play with even in the frosty morning. The redheaded witch was pleasantly surprised that it was nowhere near as cold as she was used to winter being. Maybe he wouldn't need more than the scarf?

She walked with Naruto until she could see the school gate, and hugged him goodbye. "I'll see you afterwards, okay sunbeam? Remember, I want to hear all about it." She ruffled his hair, and waited for him to leave her sight before she wandered back to his apartment.

[-]

Laurel tromped loudly up the stairs, hummed as she puttered around for a couple minutes and walked into the bathroom. She changed into appropriate clothes, and gave the discarded ones to Changeling while she informed the magical construct of her plans. The witch also mentioned what had been going on, and any other information she might need in order to stay under the radar as much as possible since Laurel had already blown it. Death had thoughtfully dropped by to mess with Changeling's mind, so that was one less thing to worry about. She transfigured back into her masculine persona, ignoring how she'd be invisible all day anyway, and cast the 'going sneaking' spell chain.

Once both women were ready, and Changeling had informed her of her ambitious plans - reading books all day and drinking tea - Laurel escaped with the magical construct helpfully opening the doors for her invisible self.

It was only as she left that she realised that the night before she had been a lot less subtle. _Too late to worry about that now._

[-]

Kakashi had a quiet night, despite all expectations to the contrary.

Since no one ever really retired from ANBU unless they were dead, he wore his old uniform and Dog mask, and took over for Owl's shift, while she had the night off with her fiance.

There was always one ANBU watching Naruto 24/7, except during school hours when the Hokage's Guard would keep an eye out for any threats anyway. Support was found in the patrolling ninja, who were only a chakra flare away. Life had been easier when the Police had been active, but the Hokage had compensated with career-chuunin for the shinobi areas (jounin-level for high risk, normal chuunin for low risk) while some members of the Genin Corps patrolled the civilian areas.

But honestly, having even one ANBU guarding a single target was probably overkill if it hadn't been for those missing nin.

The woman slept on a pile of blankets in the lounge and barely shifted for the first half of the night, only to wake up around 3am, chest heaving and body trembling.

She was silent, but he wondered what nightmares plagued her. Most civilians either didn't live through the events that traumatised them, or never experienced them enough to be properly traumatised and have recurring nightmares.

She started running through a series of stretches that looked like something a shinobi created, and rolled the blankets up into one of the corners, like that would make a difference to the overall look of the room.

It was for a different purpose, as the redhead demonstrated by going through a series of controlled flips and twists, bouncing off one wall back onto the floor in a handspring. After spinning on one palm and collapsing into a split, she swung up into a cartwheel and bounced off the wall again.

Kakashi had seen something similar practiced by other females before, but this one was interesting because she was a _civilian._  
No chakra enhancing her strength, or warming her muscles beforehand - suddenly the logic of stretches struck him - or to stick to the wall or floor.

She just manipulated her centre of gravity with elegant twists, used her momentum to climb a wall, calculated the timing of her bounces to conserve her energy of movement.

It reminded him of his fighting style actually, of attacking from every possible angle in what seemed like a random series of movements.

Well... when he wasn't reduced to a jutsu competition. Those were more common and both more and less draining. Kakashi was not made to be a heavy-hitter. Combat focused, definitely, but his stamina was not anywhere close to better-than-average, and he had never been interested in the intensive training needed for true medical jutsu. His chakra control was better than average, but nowhere near that level. He could heal cuts and bruises, and was efficient enough for said jutsu competitions to come out in his favour.

She slowed down and eventually came to a halt. It must have only been the most basic kind of routine for her since she hadn't even worked up a sweat, and was breathing smoother than when she'd first woken. As she repeated half of the stretches once more, Kakashi picked up her humming a song, one that timed perfectly with her economic switches from one stance to another.

 _Another question that needs answering,_ the jounin noted while the redhead started on breakfast. This woman raised far too many and answered exactly none.

Breakfast only became interesting when Naruto started talking about how the teachers treated him, since he both got insight into Naruto and what other things he might have had to face because of what happened on his birthday. Also because her face was extremely expressive, and he liked seeing her shocked. It quickly transformed into outrage, and she demanded a recount of his day once it was over.

The next interesting thing was when Kakashi managed to make Naruto's chair fall over with a piece of wire and minor wind jutsu, and the boy twisted his ankle - which was not what he was aiming for, but it proved entertainment enough in any case.

Jinii seemed to have some experience as a medic, and the masked ninja was _very_ interested in how she managed to contain herself when offered irrefutable proof of something weird being up with Naruto.  
It looked like genuine hidden shock, covered by concern and wry amusement, which Kakashi wasn't inclined to believe. If she knew he was the Nine-tails Jinchuuriki, she would expect the healing boost, since she 'didn't', that meant she must be aware of the watchers and wanted to fool them into thinking she genuinely cared for Naruto.

 _Hm. Two can play at that game._

She disappeared into the bathroom, saying she was going for a shower, and he listened at the window to her whining at the back of her throat, running a hand through her vividly-coloured hair a couple times.

After that he heard the start of running water, and that same song floating around in a wordless melody. _That_ was clothes landing on the floor, _those_ were footsteps into the bath, and then a choked-down scream of surprise at the reason for the lack of steam.

He thought it was a perfect opportunity for some psychological warfare and laughed aloud, enough so that she would hear it. Kakashi was nowhere near loud enough for Naruto to pick up on it through the water, the door and over whatever it was he was doing.

After, Kakashi whiled away the time alternating between watching Naruto trip over things in an effort to find clean clothes, and whatever the woman was doing in the lounge. He could remember watching her, and it being nothing that strange, but when trying to pinpoint what she had been doing specifically there was only vague snippets.  
Something with the kettle, some unfamiliar books and whatever it was that was in the corner. Kakashi got a headache when he tried to think about it too hard, and so he mostly watched Naruto until they left.

His lips twitched at the way the civilian started a small game of chase, and followed them to the Academy and back with no issues. His headache also vanished, which was a bit strange but he could think about that later.

She returned to the apartment and went back into the bathroom for about 10 minutes, emerging looking mildly tired and slightly bored. She opened the door to the hallway, seemingly examining the graffiti-free walls out there for no particular reason. Possibly checking on her handiwork. It was unlikely to be replaced anytime soon after the new kind of traps Naruto had been putting down by the building entrance.

Then the redhead returned and sat on the bench with a book in one hand while she waited for the water to boil, absorbing herself into the words on the pages. It wasn't a book he recognised but with a half naked man on the front and a scantily clad lady on the back, Kakashi could take a guess at what was inside.

 _This is my chance._

Civilians were vulnerable to genjutsu of any kind, not having the training to recognise when something was wrong, and if they did, unable to control their chakra enough to flex it in the right way to dispel one. A couple knew about the pain method, but generally speaking it was the easiest way to get into an already occupied house. After all, in order to necessitate dispelling a genjutsu, she had to suspect one was already there.

He would be properly cautious and make sure she was under the genjutsu before entering through the window, but it shouldn't take more than a minute to get in. Then Kakashi could figure out what it was about the corner that was bothering him so much, and get out. He knew there was nothing interesting, but he wanted proof.

The ex-ANBU cast an auditory genjutsu with a clatter of a rock against the window, which made her jerk her head up as if to locate it. Once she'd returned to reading her book, he flicked another stone, which she shouldn't hear in the middle of his 'everything is normal' influence.

In spite of this, her head jerked up, just as it had before, and it took her a little longer to settle back into her story.

Kakashi tried this one more time with exactly the same result, but after the fourth stone, she left her book open on the bench and hopped down in order to investigate.

He considered things while he ducked back up onto the roof. Like maybe she'd been properly trained to dispel them somehow, without an obvious tell like injuring herself or the chakra flex he would have sensed.  
Maybe it was a kekkei genkai, and he was right in thinking she might look like an Uzumaki, but she couldn't actually be one. At least not a full-blooded one.

Kushina had been terrible with genjutsu, since with her large reserves it made it nigh on impossible to dispel them without an obvious wound. This Jinii had nowhere near the reserves of Kushina, but it was clearly more than normal for someone untrained in its use.

He would contemplate it later, since she had gone back to the bathroom. The silver-haired man chose to sneak in anyway, taking advantage of what openings he was given.  
Kakashi _needed_ to find out what it was about that corner that so confused him.

He got in and out without a problem, but once he was outside again, he couldn't remember what he'd discovered. There was nothing specific at all, just the vague notion that it wasn't important. The more he thought about it, the more aggravated he felt. _Normal is never an acceptable descriptor._

Suppressing the emotion, the shinobi repeated the act but even though he lingered longer inside, the silver-haired ninja couldn't recall anything once outside again. He tried one more time: nothing.

But this time when he peered in, the woman was back on her cushion in the middle of the lounge, where she would've been completely unable to ignore him. Yet she read as if nothing had caught her interest, nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

 _There's something going on here, and I'm going to figure out what it is._

[-]


	8. Suspicions Substantiated

If you spot any errors please, please tell me because I am the only one editing this!

[-]

8: Suspicions Substantiated

[-]

Kakashi darted back inside silently, and the woman didn't notice since she had her line-of-sight blocked by her tea. He snuck behind her, carefully keeping his shadow off her, and waited until it was safely out of her grasp.

 _No need to be rude as well as scary, right?_

"What are you doing here?"

She spun around at the first syllable, and immediately threw the book at him as she twisted away. The civilian woman choked down her wordless shriek into a harsh growl. _Impressive._ "Why are- could you-" she cut herself off and rolled to her feet, but Kakashi could almost feel the unspoken swear words she was aching to let loose.  
Whatever she'd been trying to ask was lost between icy calm and sharp anger, along with a strange accent. It was one he couldn't pinpoint as any particular region of the Elemental Nations. Strangely, he'd never heard anything like it, in spite of how his missions had led him across every single border they knew of.

He slouched a little, wanting to sink into the practiced inattention of 'Kakashi: Jounin shinobi' in spite of his ANBU Dog costume, and let her get to her feet. She had a cute frown on her angular face, skin washed out from nerves and not enough sunlight, looking as white as paper. The contrast made her eyes glow like vials of poison in front of a light, and if he wasn't a ninja he might have been mildly unnerved.  
(As it was, he could summon more than enough Killing Intent to stop a civilian's heart, easy. They should be scared of him.)

While she was in the bathroom she'd twisted her messy hair into a bun at the back of her skull, revealing a strange lightning-shaped scar on her forehead that cut through one eyebrow. He took special notice of the glasses she wore but didn't seem to actually need. They were obviously hers, which meant if she didn't need them for ordinary seeing, she needed them for some _other_ kind of seeing.

"You never answered my question." He intoned, sounding darkly amused. "What. Are you. Doing. Here." He upped a little drop of killing intent into his aura with each bitten-off word. The redhead wasn't outwardly affected by the KI at all.

She seemed marginally worried, but also kind of confused. "Uh, how do you mean? Like, what am I doing here as in this room, or this plane of existence, or what?" She saw him roll his eyes through the slits, he knew because he'd made it unmistakable. _Also she's asking for clarification from a obviously-threatening masked figure?_ "What? If you're gonna be all 'doom and gloom', I might as well make sure you get the answer you're actually looking for before you try to kill me." As she talked, her accent faded bit by bit, until she just sounded like a person from outside Konoha, rather than someone unfamiliar with actually talking properly.

"What do you mean 'try'?" Kakashi snorted, riling her up. His antagonistic-offensive mask would work best in this situation. Angry or emotional people let loose information they might not have intended to, and no matter what it looked like, this was an interrogation.

"Well, that's an easier question." She hummed thoughtfully, playing the part of an absent-minded, acquiescent civilian. _All while she shifts into a defensive stance_ , the shinobi internally admired her guts. "Lots of people have tried to kill me since I was born. Obviously, no one's succeeded yet."

"That either makes you very dangerous, or, well - somehow important. People trying to kill you since you were born, and no family to show for it? Powerful enemies. Maybe they were trying to take you out before you became a properly trained threat, hm?" _Confessed to being target of assassinations if nothing else. Could be hired killers, or some kind of vendetta against her or her family. Also, no defence against not having family, unconsciously agrees, or wants to give that impression._

"Oh, I was never properly trained. I'm all self-taught magnificence, honey."

 _Flinch hidden at being self-taught. Truth, but not all of it? Bad memories?_ Kakashi was taken aback at the pet name, but refused to show it. He narrowed his eyes into a glare, "What do you want from Naruto?"

She let out a huff of laughter, surprised into expressing herself properly, "From Naruto? Nothing I can think of off the top of my head. Friendship, maybe? _For_ Naruto, on the other hand? Some answers, mostly. Like what happened to his parents, and why doesn't he know their names? Why does every single person - with _very_ few exceptions - have a hatred for him on a scale from 'simmering' to 'I want his corpse lying at my feet'?  
"It's a very curious place, Konohagakure. I'm not sure if you've noticed, what with living here and all."

She paused, and he knew this was not going to be good. It might be interesting, but it wasn't going to be _good. She's angry: genuinely furious about this. Will either be unvarnished truth, or have enough elements to disguise true purpose._

"Ninja are the protectors of the village, the guardians if you will? And you're obviously here on Naruto's behalf. I have two questions. One, why does he need protecting? And two, why does he need protecting _from you_ _?_ "

"What do you mean?" Oh, Kakashi knew what she was implying, but he wanted to hear her say it aloud, to shape the words in a way they couldn't be mistaken for anything else. He wanted her really riled up so he could get a proper read on her.

She glared at him, one hand hidden up her sleeve and the other with fingers like claws waiting to strike. "Naruto's told me about you, you're an ANBU. The elite, the Black Ops. Ninja to end all threats, including _other_ ninja. The guards on the gate protect the village from intruders or foreign combatants, as much as possible. The small chance of them knowing enough about where Naruto lived is _not_ a reason to post such a dedicated guard here, so far in and amidst all the other civilians. You post guards in a central part of the village when you don't know where the threat will be coming from, or what form it will take. Which means either you're expecting some of your fellow shinobi to go rogue and try to kill him, or they _already did_ _._ "

Kakashi smirked, having got some very valuable information out of that rant. _That's a very tactically-aware observation. She's clearly had some practice._ "Or we were waiting for you. How do you know we didn't see you coming?"

She snarled, distinctly opposing the physically unintimidating civilian shell she wore. "First, because you just asked that question. Second, you can't have known I was coming, because _I_ didn't. Not until I was already here, and _no one_ sent me. I control myself, and no one else." There was a very strong 'not again' on the end of that.

 _Hmm. Who treated you so badly? Used you and discarded you, until they suddenly needed you again and you said 'no'?_

Outside there was a chakra flare, the pattern for Hokage summons. Kakashi gave the room one more glance over, noticing the curtain in the corner, the simmering redhead **-with hair floating in nine deadly tails-**

 _Time to go._

He didn't look back.

[-]

Laurel had a little trouble when trying to figure out which classroom Naruto was in (should've put some kind of tracker on him) but did eventually remember one of Ginny's favourite spells: point me.

Most people wouldn't think it, but Ginny was nearly as bad with losing things as the twins were, and they had explosions and experiments hindering them. Whenever Laurel had stayed with the youngest Weasley, it had been fairly common to hear a muttered " **Inveniet** …" and fill in the blank.

She used it to locate her clean uniform, her dirty uniform, her kettle, dirty dishes lying around, her floo powder, etc. The list was nearly endless. She always knew where her broomstick was, and where her wand was, but those were the only permanent exclusions from Ginny's spell casting.

Laurel herself was pretty much the same only she never wanted to find something to know where it was, she wanted it so she could do something with it. That small difference was why one of her wandless spells was the summoning charm.

" **Inveniet** Naruto," the witch whispered under her invisibility cloak, and felt the pull on her magic as her wand spun briefly then settled in pointing to her right.

She followed as the wooden instrument dictated, and came to a halt outside a door that looked much like any other. (Her wand was actually indicating he sat closer to the back, but she needed the door to the room, so whatever)

On that train of thought, she considered finding a more subtle way in. Since Changeling had her glasses at the moment, and she couldn't copy all the enchantments, she'd have to make do with what limitations normally applied, rather than just watching through the wall. She could vanish part of the wall closer to the ceiling after casting another notice-me-not, rather than casting one on the door and just walking in.

She wasn't sure if people got immune to that over time, or how it would affect a paranoid ninja.

(Laurel spared a moment to regret what she'd left behind at the apartment, because wasn't that something she'd already done? Maybe nothing would go wrong, but she doubted it. The Potter luck as it was, something had to balance out her unmitigated success last night with sneaking into the library.)

She cast some surreptitious engorgement charms on the hallway wall to make steps, and shrunk them once the witch was on the next 'step' up. Once by the ceiling, she muttered several sticking charms to keep her cloak around her and attach the left side of her body to the wall. " **Omnem effugiat** , **temperiit** ," Laurel intoned the notice-me-not first, then outlined the target area before jabbing at the centre, and the part vanished with no one caring.

The witch settled inside the hole, and made herself comfortable on her calves and forearms, preparing for a long wait.

[-]

There was a man at the front of the room with shoulder length white hair, tanned skin, and a black bandanna, using the blackboard to demonstrate the formula for correct use of ninja wire. (Was she reading that right?) In spite of the white hair, he looked like he was about as old as she was.

The tables were actually long benches, like she'd seen in muggle universities, staggered vertically so those at the back could see the front of the room easily.

Naruto was sitting by the window to the inner courtyard, clearly not paying attention as the teacher droned on about calculating throwing angles - when would a ninja be able to waste time actually calculating it, rather than relying on instinct and habit? - and staring out of the window.

The two students sitting next to him were whispering to each other, and passing notes to the kid behind her charge. Hearing them giggling, the teacher at the front turned around looking pretty annoyed, but immediately focused on Naruto.

"Uzumaki! Go stand in the corner by the door until I say otherwise, for disturbing the class." There was no way the teacher had missed that it wasn't actually Naruto, and the culprits sniggered to each other, a hushed glee rippling through the students.

Naruto did as he was told, a sullen look on his face that hid frustration and sorrow. Laurel shifted, wanting to go over to him, but before she actually started to, the witch reminded herself today was observation only. She needed to know exactly what he was dealing with, so she could fix it without alerting anyone but Naruto that something was different.

The teacher continued with the lesson, which was mostly on the board or using their books, and therefore completely useless to the blonde who wasn't allowed to see either. It wasn't until the lesson was over and the other students had left that the boy was acknowledged and called over.

"Now, you can either stay here for detention until the task is complete or I can come collect you after your last class. If you fail to complete it to my satisfaction, I will take you out of class tomorrow so you can complete it, and you will be forced to stay afterwards to do a second one for wasting my time. Understand?"

 _How about I string you up by your ankles and make you watch while I pour undiluted ink all over your classroom?_ Laurel fumed, and was glad for the extra sticking charms she'd put on that reminded her to stay still.

Naruto nodded, and said he'd do the task then, rather than staying behind. The older male then assigned lines, and said he'd be back later to tell him when to stop. Even though he verbally acknowledged that Naruto had other classes, and would have to skip them.

Another teacher came in less than 15 minutes later, clearly relieved to have found the boy. "There you are, Naruto. I left Mizuki-sensei in charge since he said you'd probably lost track of time in the toilets. What have you been doing all this time?"

This man looked about 20, but had an oddly straight scar running horizontally across the bridge of his nose that made him seem a bit rugged. He had brown hair in a high ponytail that looked as spiky as Naruto's hair, and a strip of fabric high on his forehead with a metal rectangle inscribed with a squiggle of some kind. Laurel didn't care enough to try identifying it from her current distance.

In answer to his teacher's question, the blonde boy pointed to the messy writing on the board, covering the bottom half. The teacher shook his head in amusement, "I'm not sure how much of a prank this is, Naruto. Usually you tend to go for more… obvious routes of entertainment." He had a kind voice, and was so far the only person to have a cordial reaction to Naruto.

Naruto himself was dusted with white chalk, which the unnamed educator helped him clean off, and then led him through the door.

Laurel was actually prepared, and had started undoing her magic before they'd left. The wall was fixed, she was stuck to the outer side again, and with a precise, " **Nupondus** , **accio** ," she cast a feather-light charm on herself, and summoned the floor.

 _Quick, painless, and amusing_ , the woman thought to herself as she floated along after them. Without her mass, she couldn't affect anything around her physically, and used repeated summonings to move through the corridor. She felt like an astronaut in space.  
Of course, it was technically about intent. Since she intended to be the moving object, her magic used the other end as the anchor point. She could cast the exact same spell, with the intent to stay where she was, and a chunk of the floor would come to her instead. The feather-light charm just stopped her from making any noise, and her control made sure the witch didn't hurt herself on any walls.

Before they reached the new classroom, she canceled the charm so she could slip through the door into a rowdy mess. One side of the room had the model students, those who were sitting quietly and either reading something, or practicing. The exact opposite side was full of chatting groups, two of which were only girls, one of scheming boys. Two industrious individuals were making paper planes and aiming them at the few sleeping ones.

Mizuki was nowhere to be seen, which struck Laurel as a bit odd, even as she held back her laughter.

Naruto was directed to a seat in the middle column, up with one of the sleeping boys and his friend munching from a bag of chips.

It was only then that the witch noticed Naruto's whisker markings might have been unique, but they weren't out of place. The large boy eating had a red spiral on each cheek, one boy with brown hair and a white puffball on his head had large red triangles in the same place, and there was a girl with two green lines across her nose and cheekbones, similar to the nice teacher's scar.

This class was the ninjutsu class, and Iruka - as his name was called out by one of the other kids - had them practicing the hand seals. He'd call out what animal it was supposed to be, and wait a while before demonstrating the correct form, and checking with the ones who had trouble.  
Naruto was one of those, in that he had a couple down perfect, but kept getting the rest muddled up or in the wrong position.

 _Might have to learn them properly just so I can teach them to him. From what I can tell, he needs to be able to form them pretty fast, and definitely accurately._

Iruka didn't spend any extra time on Naruto compared to anyone else, but he didn't actively exclude the blonde either, which was a relief.

[-]

The rest of the day tended to follow more of Mizuki's teaching style than Iruka's when it came to Laurel's charge, and she couldn't wait until they got back to Naruto's apartment so they could start solving all these problems.

A couple had the same technique of assigning detentions during class for various reasons or lengths of time. Eventually Naruto would ditch and return to the class he was supposed to be in, and unless it was overseen by Iruka, he was punished for being late. It was a wonder he even bothered to go to school!

The redheaded witch (she'd run back, swapped out with Changeling, and run to the Academy again) pulled him into a side hug as soon as she saw him, and dusted off some dirt from taijutsu practice.

From what she'd seen during that class, Naruto was outright ignored, and had to copy the moves off other students. He was sloppy, imprecise and slow, and from his lack of education could probably only throw a half decent punch before being taken out by any opponents.

He relied on sneakiness and surprise to beat anyone, kicking dust or lunging unexpectedly to throw his opponents off balance. The main problem with this technique was that it was his only way of winning, and everyone knew it. Otherwise, Naruto seemed to be physically stronger than most of the boys and all of the girls, and she suspected he could probably outlast all of them. Running from annoyed prank victims (or, as in her case, ornery cousins) tended to ingrain good fleeing habits.

The other problem was sometimes his opponents recovered faster than Naruto could take advantage of, and most of the other students delighted in using him as a punching bag.  
 _The teachers all but actively encourage their behaviour. No wonder he likes pranking; no one can ignore a proper prankster. Some attention is always better than none, right? Especially since it's always negative or nothing, which gives him no reason not to antagonise them._

That had never been true for Laurel herself, admittedly, but she got the theory of it. That would have been her, if it hadn't been for the Dursley's punishing anything abnormal and being nearly cordial if she did nothing interesting. It was always better to be ignored, in that case.  
And then there was Voodletort trying to kill her, her DADA teachers usually up to something shady, Snape trying to erase her star-sized ego, and Filch wanting an excuse to chain her up.

Laurel had a few options to try and deal with Naruto's schooling troubles, but none of them seemed like a good fit.

She could hunt down that one guy, Iruka, and see if he'd do something about it. He seemed sympathetic, but still standoffish, so it was about 50-50 if he'd bother doing something about it. She'd only had one day of observation anyway, and he could have just been having a good day. _I want to believe that he cares, but after how the majority of the other people here treat Naruto, I can't trust that._

Another option was to go to the leader of the village and convince him to look into it. That was even more iffy, since she knew basically nothing about the Hokage except that Naruto wanted to take over for him and he was a really strong ninja. Whether he cared enough to do something, would actually listen to her, or even believe her? Laurel had no idea.

Their watcher might be a source of help. Maybe. But she didn't trust them, not after that morning. She knew even less about them than she knew about the Hokage or Iruka. _Best not._

The last option was do her best to mitigate the damage, and not bother with the root of the problem. It seemed safest for now, and she was going to be training him anyway.  
Laurel would just teach him some _different_ things to make sure he'd be well-rounded and super capable.

She could at least train that creative streak of his, in combat it would be a dangerous weapon to wield and any added techniques would enhance his whole repertoire rather than just being another stand-alone single use thing.

 _That. I can do that, until I know more about the three other active factions in Naruto's life. Maybe I could ask Teuchi about things? He might know more about the Hokage or Iruka, and I already know he has Naruto's best interests in mind._

They wandered back to the apartment in silence, Laurel's a thoughtful one, where Naruto was more weary. He hid it in smiles and enthusiastic babbling about 'Sakura-chan' and various other highlights, and she held his hand the whole way - which was admittedly more for her comfort than his.

As promised, he told her about his day while she plied him with more muffins, and he didn't miss things too badly. He understated the malicious cruelty of his teachers, overexaggerated Iruka-sensei being nice, and didn't seem to understand some concepts Laurel had taken for granted. Things such as detentions always being held outside of school hours, and if someone missed classes for legitimate reasons they were entitled to catch-up notes.

Added to that Naruto all but said he couldn't read most things, let alone the more complex kanji used for higher-level reading (Like library books for instance, or the history book he'd been assigned four years ago when he started at the academy).

Laurel felt like crying. Why, _why_ had a child been neglected so bad he barely knew how to read?! How had anyone let it get this far? What could _possibly_ justify an entire village ganging up against one 12-year-old boy, _and_ having been doing so for as long as the boy could remember?

It took all of the emotional control exercises Hermione had forced her to learn so she'd "stop reacting and start thinking, Merlin damn it!" to keep her from leaving to go explode things.

He helpfully distracted her by mentioning the other thing the witch had asked him to look out for; namely whether anyone else healed like he did. That was a resounding no, and the lost look in his blue eyes was another blade to her heart.

"Genie-nee, am I a freak?"

"No!" She burst out, refusal an instinctive reaction to that word. "You are _not_ a freak." The redhead moved so she was sitting on the chair next to him in the kitchen, and pulled him into her lap. "You know how some clans have bloodline talents, right? As an orphan there aren't any true hints to who your parents might have been, and you have a clan name. Do you know what the Uzumaki were known for?" At the tentative shake of his head, Laurel continued, "They were known for having long lives, large amounts of chakra, and fuuinjutsu talents. Pretty sure even just two of those means insane healing."

He derailed her again, "But Uzumaki is an honorary name. I'm not actually related. Hokage-Jiji said it was because of something I'd been able to do since the day I was born."

"I…" she faltered. "No one ever said it couldn't be an honorary name as well as something from your parents. Maybe it's so you don't get people hunting you down for 'being an Uzumaki'. Their whole village was destroyed by Kiri and Kumo in the Second Shinobi War, so it's clear that they had enemies. It might even have something to do with why everyone seems to hate you. If that got out, the Hokage might have said Uzumaki was an honorary name just to try and keep you safe from Kiri and Kumo assassins. We can't be sure unless you ask him, honestly."

Internally, Laurel had little to no clue where this information was coming from. Uzushio and the Uzumaki hadn't been mentioned anywhere in the books she'd copied, and there was no other explanation for her sudden knowledge. _Unless it was… nah. I don't remember coming across any people-specific terms, just translations, customs and culture. Though even after Death 'downloaded' them, I still can't get my head around these stupid honourifics. Bah! Who cares? I'm rude, I'll be rude, it's fine._

"Why not?" Her sunlight child drew her outside of her head again, and she marvelled at how comfortable it was being with him. He was a delight, honestly.

"Well, most times people have more than one reason for why they do what they do. The reason you might be thinking of might not be the most important one to them, or not even have occurred to them. That's why sometimes it doesn't matter why people do things, since what they _are_ doing is just as important." Laurel stroked one hand through his hair - _so soft, so precious_ \- and rubbed the other up and down his back.

Very, very slowly, Naruto turned so his face was nuzzling into the base of her throat. "...I don't understand. How can someone's actions be more important than why they do something?"

She thought for a moment, before picking something she understood personally. "It's like this: there was a man who knew he had many assassins after him because he was very dangerous and powerful, and he had a woman whom he loved dearly. For fear of these assassins coming after them both and killing his love in front of him, he broke her heart and made sure everyone knew that he had, so the assassins would know she 'wasn't important' and she would be safe. But in doing so, he would never be able to regain her trust, and they both spent the rest of their days hating him for what he'd done. Even if after he'd beaten all the assassins and there was no more threat to keep them apart, he'd lost her to his own actions."

Laurel let the silence stretch out, just contemplating the turns her life had taken. "Does that help?"

"I think I get it now," He pulled away, face turned down at the mouth and eyes, and he spoke in a small voice as if waiting for a bad reaction. "Why did you sound so sad when you told me about that?"

Laurel shouldn't have let herself forget how perceptive children were, especially this one who had only ever seen most negative emotions. She swallowed past the thick lump choking her breath from her. "I had to do that, once."

He moved closer, warming her from the outside in when the sorrow chilled her heart.

The green-eyed woman blinked suddenly clouded eyes, and told him the rest, "She never forgave me for it either. I'm not sure I even know how to forgive myself. Especially since it was too late to do any good."

She hadn't been able to look Luna in the face, not since the trio had found her in the Malfoy dungeons with blood running in rivulets from her cheeks like the tears she wouldn't shed. They might have made her scream, but they'd never made her cry.

The worst part was that Laurel had felt forced to do it in the first place. The second worst was that it didn't even change anything. They spoken once since, and though Luna was alive, any chance they'd had together had been killed.

Naruto hugged her properly, squeezing his thin arms around her shoulders and curling his precious body into the aching sharp edges she could feel but not see. "It's alright, Nee-chan. We can do better next time."

She laughed wetly, "It's not over until it's over, right?"

[-]

There was a knock on the window, and two masked ninja appeared through the opening. The one on the left had a dog mask, with "freshly electrocuted" black hair and long, lean limbs. The one on the right was a couple centimetres shorter, and had neat chin-length brown hair framing a cat mask painted with green and red tiger stripes. Both masks seemed to be made out of unglazed porcelain.

They both towered over the witch (especially since her and Naruto were still entangled on the chair), and wore the same uniform of a grey vest over black everything-else, bare upper arms, and arm guards with black detached-sleeves and gloves, or just really long gloves. When she looked closer, she could've sworn the taller man's hair flickered silver for a moment.

 _I'll think about that later. There are more interesting things to focus on right now._

"The Hokage has summoned you to his office," the brunette said in a surprisingly mild voice.

Laurel didn't bother to hold back her resigned sigh, "That's about as long as I thought I get away with it for, honestly. I'm not very good at subtle unless it's life or death. And mostly short-term."  
She looked at Naruto, who had his wide blue eyes focused on her face, "Come on, squishy. You probably want to visit too, right? We have some questions that need answering, and I've no doubt I have an 'interview' in my near future."  
She had a sudden thought, "Uh, he is allowed to come right? There's not going to be anything traumatising done in front of him?"

"Whadda ya mean 'traumatising'?" The boy broke in, and she had to stop herself from putting her head in her hands. _Shouldn't have asked. I needed to, but I shouldn't have._

"Traumatising means something bad happens, and you get nightmares that keep coming back because of it," the redhead explained gently. "Not that there's much I haven't already experienced twice over, so," she snorted under her breath.  
All three of them twitched, and she guessed they had better hearing than she'd assumed. Oops.

She talked over a suddenly protesting Naruto, "Is there a time limit? And how are we getting there?"

The black-haired one approached her, and she darted out of arms' reach, with Naruto behind her.

"Nah-uh, nope. Explanations first."

Brunette obliged, "We'll be using a shinobi type of teleportation. It requires physical contact. Dog will take you, and I will bring Naruto."

"I go first," she demanded. He inclined his head, but she got the feeling he only agreed because that had been the plan in the first place. "Alright then." Laurel offered a hand to Dog, and pushed away memories of a tournament, a honey-blonde hero and blood. "Whenever you're ready."

She didn't even see him move, but she felt a gloved hand on her wrist and curl over her palm before the world spun apart at the seams.

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	9. Laurel Hones Her Lying Skills

I just really want to thank everyone who's reviewed this story, it's really great to hear about what you guys think and what you like. Anyway, enjoy!

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9: Laurel Hones Her Lying Skills (aka Bullshitting the Hokage and Other Assorted Ninja)

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When Laurel arrived at their destination, she sent a mental thank you to whomever ruled the universe that it was easier on a girl than wizardly transportation. She didn't feel weak in the knees, or want to vomit, and it was more like having a blanket thrown over herself than spinning off to her doom like with a portkey.  
Just like she had been peering through a woven woolen object for about a full second, able to see bits shifting through the holes, and when it was taken off she was in a different place.

She didn't say it, but boy was she thinking it. _I wanna do that instead! That was easy!_

They were in an open circular room, facing a large wooden desk behind which an old man in red and white formal clothes with a weird triangle hat sat. It looked kind of like the ones kids made by folding newspaper, but with two strips of fabric to frame the face and made out of something more solid than paper. Behind the man there were six windows looking out over the city, starting halfway up the wall and stretching to the ceiling, creating a halo effect.  
Dumbledore had used the same tactics in the headmaster's office, and it was one of the first things McGonagall had changed when she took up the position.

The desk was surrounded with piles of paper at its base; completed and uncompleted paperwork, she assumed. The walls were a boring beige, and empty of any decorations other than four photographs, similar to the wooden panels on the floor which were a couple shades darker. There was one other person in the room, a tall woman with boysenberry purple hair in a high ponytail guarding the door. She also had a mask on, a bird one with owl markings painted in green.

The redhead finished examining her surroundings when the hush of falling leaves signalled the arrival of Naruto with… Cat. Seeing as Dog was named for his mask, it seemed likely that was how the naming system worked around here.  
She blinked as she realised the falling leaves weren't illusions: she managed to catch a small green one on her palm. How did _that_ work? Where did the leaves come from? Why were they leaves, and not bits of dirt or water, or snow or something? Where did they go when they vanished into nothing?

 _Focus, Laurel._

Dog announced their presence to the man at the desk, "Hokage-sama?"

 _That voice_ , "You were the asshole who laughed at me!" Laurel leveled a heavy stare on him, and ignored the way everyone in the room seemed to stop. "What kind of-"

"Hm. You were right, Dog," The old man interrupted her, presumably the current Hokage and leader of the village. "She's not a normal civilian."

She turned her empty look on the Hokage, "Why am I here?" She pointedly didn't ask _what do you mean._

"After your interesting conversation with Dog earlier, I would assume you already know the answer you seek," the Hokage prevaricated. Dog tilted his head toward Cat, and received a shrug in return while Owl snorted from the doorway.

"Right." Laurel's face settled into an expression of displeasure, while she desperately pulled up everything Changeling had told her. "Are you planning to answer any of my accusations, or are we just going to sit here pretending I'm not a foreigner you have no trace of?" Something pushed her to correct herself, and only because it didn't seem anything other than earnest, she followed the directions. "Or no traces you've checked properly for."

Frankly, Changeling seemed to have hit it right on the head that Naruto was somehow very important to the village. Although, if he had such dangerous ninja as his guards, there must be some kind of contention on how to deal with him. That everyone hated him so thoroughly for something the blonde clearly didn't understand…  
He probably carried some kind of national secret, something dangerous, powerful and probably with some kind of age limit that had to be passed before he would be capable of using it. Something that had been misused or in the hands of an enemy before Naruto gained it. 'Because of something I'd been able to since the day of my birth' indeed.

The Hokage leaned forward, forearms placed flat on his desk, "Hm?"

"I signed in at the gate, as a foreign civilian travelling alone from Kusagakure. My intentions were recorded as wanting to stay and sort out proper citizenship, while searching for any remaining members of my clan so I could rebuild it."  
Laurel knew she didn't do any of this (she'd appeared out of a lamp in front of Naruto. In no way did that count as an official entry into the village) but she also knew that when someone went to check, all of what she had just claimed would be proven true. It would even be written in her handwriting, in kanji, in spite of the fact that she didn't know how to write in kanji. _Here's hoping no one asks for a sample, that would just be the icing on the cake._

 _ **~Incorrect~**_

The witch paused, unsure on what was incorrect exactly. The other people in the room, all immune to Death's presence due to being so firmly alive, assumed she'd just spoken what she wanted to since the Primordial's interruption went unheard.

Laurel had experienced this before, Death speaking to her while she was surrounded by others and no one else picking up on it. It had happened twice: in the moment when Voodletort lost his last horcrux, and as his mangled soul was finally on the last journey. In the first, the being had whispered about him having 'Only one foot left outside of the grave', and the redhead had known exactly what they'd meant, and what she could now do about it.  
For the second Death had just laughed and laughed and _laughed_. Laurel had sworn her ears were bleeding. Needless to say, she hoped such a thing never happened again where the witch could hear it.

Though Hermione and Ron had asked her how she knew the Dark Lord had been mortal before she struck, she had only ever said "I just knew", because even her two best friends wouldn't believe her.

No one would want to believe Laurel had Death looming over her shoulder. They mostly just watched, whenever they were actually present, but sometimes interfering if it ran counter to her goals in some 'intolerable' way. Usually a way that ended in blood and unending darkness for the witch.

She hadn't yet finished piecing together all the clues the Primordial had left about themselves floating in her mind after their brief sharing of her body, and honestly she didn't really want to. It was enough that she'd had to sort through essentially a whole new culture.  
(The Death-related things were shoved under a loose stone in a corner of the Arena of Unruly Emotions. It would probably stay there for as long as she could get away with it.)

The Third Hokage flicked a finger at Cat, who vanished in another flutter of leaves to get the paperwork.

Naruto took this chance to ask her some questions, fuelled mostly by innocent curiosity but there was a part that said he'd figured out she might be in deep trouble. He knew how she'd arrived in Konoha, and when, and he thought he knew what the green-eyed woman had been doing so far. Nothing inherently suspicious, other than she'd been with him for most of it, and living in the same apartment.  
Maybe it was the ANBU turning up that cemented it. He'd probably never had to see any of the other people he interacted with regularly get background checked.

"What clan are you gonna be rebuilding, Nee-chan?"

"The Uzumaki one," she felt the shock spreading through the room's inhabitants like blood in water. "I was just lucky to find you so fast, squishy."

The boy gaped, "You're an Uzumaki too? Why didn't you say so?" He frowned for a moment in thought. "Is this why you know so much about the Uzumaki?"

 _Time to wing it, I guess._ Death wasn't giving any hints, but after her formative years had been spent on pointless wishes, she didn't make the habit of relying on anything but her own skills, and the loyalties earned.

"I didn't say anything because I wanted you to just want to know me, not because we're family of a sort. I don't know how related we actually are, I was born a couple years after Uzushio collapsed. You said your name was honorary, but I don't believe that. You've got the Uzumaki attitude too much for it to be a coincidence. I only recently found records that I didn't have access to previously. In them there was mention of a Kushina in Konoha, Nagisa in Kusa, Roka in Taki, and a couple others scattered in various corners. Most had kids at some point, and I met a few, but they needed a home before committing. I thought Konoha as an old ally of Uzushio and the Uzumaki might be more sympathetic."

The redhead had no idea why the Uzumaki-related information suddenly seemed to to connect coherently enough for her to use it. She thought briefly, _maybe those associations finally hooked into the right places_ _._ But it was the same kind of thing that made her talk with the same accent after hearing a speaking herself, that let her comprehend the kanji in books and slowly taught her how to actually read.  
She would use what it gave her for now, and try not to get caught unaware again. _I guess that means more practice. That probably means reading about history… Why couldn't it be a subject I actually enjoyed, or even passed in school?_

Cat returned with a sheaf of paper in one hand and gave it to the Hokage to look over, flicking the fingers of the other hand in some kind of communication. The old man hummed as he scanned them before looking back up at the room, "This seems to be in order." He gave Laurel a piercing look, "Why haven't you approached me about this matter before now? The rebuilding of a clan is a serious endeavour."

The witch sighed - _ugh, politics_ \- and rubbed a hand over her face. "First, I've only been here for two days. Second, I wanted to figure out Naruto's state of living when I found him. Third, I wanted to experience more of the village before making a decision. It's not just my life to think about. There are a couple under-tens to consider, and one of the couples are expecting. To put it frankly, I had four weeks to look around, and I was planning to use them. Coming across Naruto was pure luck."

She tried to keep her put-upon look hidden, but honestly, she just wanted to go back to Naruto's apartment, cook some food and go to sleep. It'd been a very heart-wrenching day, and although the woman could keep going she didn't really want to.  
She wasn't at war, she wasn't fighting some bad guys or against sucking wounds, or playing with toys liable to blow up. There should be no need to push herself beyond normal limits. A tired sigh escaped from behind her lips before she could catch it, the only sound in the room other than shuffling paper.

"Look, I get that Naruto's got some kind of bloodline or inherited power that freaks people out badly enough they wanna kill him, but I don't know about it and frankly I don't really care. As long as he's not going to kill me in my sleep - which is honestly a big step up from most people who know me - I'm good. Is there anything else you need right this instant, or can we leave? 'Cause I get the impression you won't be answering any Naruto-related questions properly, and I just want to sleep my headache off."

An aura of deadly calm seeped from the old man sitting behind the desk, and though her instincts demanded she straighten up and take this seriously right-this-instant, Laurel pretended she didn't feel anything, and faked a yawn. _I'm sick to death of controlling authority figures. Let's see how far I can push before he snaps. With Naruto here he's unlikely to do anything truly terrible, since the kid has a serious case of hero-worship, and he's been actively encouraging it._

The pair spent a minute staring each other down before he deigned to speak. "There are factors at work you cannot comprehend. Naruto's ignorance is for his own safety."

"Yeah, no. I call bullshit. He should at the very least have the names of his parents, and someone has to be alive who knew them even in passing. If they were ninja, some people had to work with them for missions. If they were civilians, they had to have jobs, and support networks, and social circles. It's impossible for everyone who ever knew them to be dead, unless he's not actually a Konoha-born citizen. If that's true, it's 50-50 odds you stole him, or he was rescued from some cataclysmic event that somehow wiped out a town but didn't touch this one baby. And it wasn't because of him, or he would know about his power and be trained to control it, if it could happen again. If it couldn't happen again, he wouldn't have people ostracising him everywhere he goes."

She didn't ask any questions outright as she wanted to see how he responded without a direction being prompted. The Hokage's face darkened, and the aura deepened, causing Naruto to curl into her side and shiver. When Laurel wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the sensation cut off abruptly and Dog shifted his weight from one foot to the other where he was standing behind her, fabric rustling as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"You should have more care to how you speak-"

"-How about you take a moment to actually think about it from Naruto's perspective? From that of an orphan?" She cut across him, only hearing the same phrase Dumbledore fed her over and over again. Nowadays she asked herself _'for whose greater good'_ instead of following blindly.  
The witch sounded out each syllable of the name very carefully, "Hiruzen Sarutobi. There's a rich history in your name. You know who's line you hail from, who your parents were, why they named you. You know you were named in love, and expectations of success. You might have even had siblings, which are a good ruler to measure progress against. You were taught clan techniques, and secrets, and traditions, and have the ancestral Summoning Scroll from what I've heard."

Laurel paused to rub a hand comforting up and down the blonde's arm, hoping he wouldn't take the next part too hard. "Naruto has none of that. He doesn't know his parents names, what they looked like, who they were as people. Whether they were good, and want him to succeed at life, or whether he was discarded like trash for being born at the wrong time, or in the wrong place, or to the wrong people. He doesn't know who named him, or why. He doesn't know if 'Uzumaki' is honouring a people long-ruined, or sacrificing him to the village through a brand that marks him as something 'special'. It's certainly not a blessing, yet. He knows only what techniques he can copy, scrounge or create, and every day is a struggle against the inevitable collapse.  
"You have not suffered what he has suffered. Do not preach to me about safety in _ignorance_. Safety is in knowledge, in being able to build a foundation, creating bonds to connect you with who you are, who you could be, and who you should not be. You were _born_ with these roots, they were given to you by the people around you. Naruto, and every single orphan like him must instead _bleed_ for them."

She wanted to stomp out of the room in a dramatic exit to punctuate her words, or something stupid like that. Instead she drew herself up to her full height (sadly only a little taller than the man sitting down, and everyone else aside from Naruto towered over her) and watched steadily, expression wiped blank. _Let's see him squirm out of that accusation._

The village leader simply returned her look, inscrutable, "You sound as if you speak from experience."

Her voice was level and unemotional when she said, "I do, of a kind. I was orphaned when I was barely more than a baby, but also a foundling later on in life after my initial guardians spent their time convincing me I was a burden." **-Freak, worthless, useless-** Laurel blocked out the litany, and refocused on her surroundings. _I_ am _tired. I know better than to lapse among hostiles._

"I didn't know anything about my own parents before a family friend came when I was 11. Speaking from my own experience, it doesn't matter if anyone else knows where you come from, as long as _you_ do. If you're worried about Naruto bragging because of who gave birth to him, he already knows who he is, and frankly neither of his parents have had anything to do with that beyond genetics. He never even had a shadow of a hope turning out like them, with knowing nothing about them." She frowned, trying to channel Minerva McGonagall at her most severe, "You can't blame a newborn child for the sins of parents never known." The way the Hokage was acting, it was clear Naruto's parents had either been the most revered heroes or the most reviled of villains. Nothing less would inspire this level of paranoia.

She held in another yawn, and wished for a cup of tea and some fluffy blankets. _Shame I can't be my own genie._

[-]

Kakashi as Dog was intrigued.

It was a new feeling, since mostly only Tenzou, his ANBU squad, Gai and the Hospital inspired more than indifference (amusement and antipathy respectively). Curiosity was fairly rare, and happiness was so far out of reach that it might as well be one star in a million. The source of his current interest was looking displeased with being the centre of attention in the Hokage's office, and annoyed with him in particular.

 _Strange how she only recognised my voice now, though. Theoretically, if this civilian is actually that good at identifying voices she only needs a laugh and a short sample of speech, that whole conversation in the apartment could have gone quite differently. Did it only just connect for some reason, or did she just want to bring it up in front of witnesses?_

"Are you planning to answer any of my accusations, or are we just going to sit here pretending I'm not a foreigner you have no trace of... or no traces you've checked properly for."

Either she was brave, stupid, or powerful. Accusing ANBU of negligent fact-checking? He'd never met anyone who did that that wasn't a member of the council, or the Hokage at the time. Otherwise it was assumed the source was faulty, or there had been an info leak somehow, and they adapted accordingly.

When clarification was requested (ordered), she complied easily enough. "I signed in at the gate, as a foreign civilian travelling alone from Kusagakure. My intentions were recorded as wanting to stay and sort out proper citizenship, while searching for any remaining members of my clan so I could rebuild it." She stopped suddenly, and looked as if she was focusing on something outside of the room.

 _Maybe that's got something to do with her nightmares?_

The Hokage indicated Tenzou as the one to retrieve it, and he shunshinned to the gate to find the paperwork. After that was sorted, she returned to being the centre of focus, though this time Naruto helped dig deeper.

"What clan are you gonna be rebuilding, Nee-chan?" He chirped, twisting his unguarded face to look up the short distance at her own.

"The Uzumaki one…" Kakashi froze, unbelieving. _That's not possible. How did she find him?_ "...Just lucky." _There's no such thing as luck. She has to be lying. Has to - If she's an Uzumaki, why wasn't she here earlier - I thought Kushina said she was the last-_  
The ninja's thoughts splintered, trying to chase three different threads at once and just ending up tangled in each other.

 _Lying. Got to be lying._

The boy gaped, "You're an Uzumaki too? Why didn't you say so?" He frowned for a moment in thought. "Is this why you know so much about the Uzumaki?"

 _What an interesting cover. Sneaking in by pretending to be a long lost family member. He'd never let her go, not willingly._ (But she didn't tell anyone what she was. Not until she'd already been found out.)

 _How can we make her prove it? She doesn't look anything like an Uzumaki, not really. I only thought so because of her chakra._ (Neither did Naruto. He looked so much like Minato-sensei it hurt.)

The ginger-haired woman rattled off reasonable excuses for her knowledge. Things like wanting to be wanted, born after Uzushio collapsed, and a couple names in different hidden villages and she didn't have others with her to support her claim because they needed certainty before giving up all they knew.

"I thought Konoha as an old ally of Uzushio and the Uzumaki might be more sympathetic."

Kakashi suppressed a sarcastic laugh: another victim of the rumour that Leaf Shinobi were soft, sympathetic suckers. As if they'd survived as a hidden village by being nice. That wasn't possible, not with more than half of their citizens being capable of defending themselves physically and with at least two jutsu under their belts.

The teamwork Konoha so treasured was at least half practicality. When you had teammates you trusted to cover your weaknesses, there was a higher chance of mission success. A single ninja didn't have to be capable of everything, they just had to be aware of what they couldn't do, and what their teammates couldn't do. It allowed for more flexibility when missions inevitably went south.

Tenzou returned with the sign-in papers, and handed them over to their leader with his hands flickering in ANBU signs. -Izumo doesn't remember her, but it had apparently been a busy day,- The brunette said to the room in general, and settled into his 'waiting' stance behind Naruto while the Hokage flipped through the pages and pulled out the interesting information.

-Name?- Kakashi asked behind the redhead's back. Naruto was at the wrong angle to see anything, and the windows didn't reflect images well enough even if the 12-year-old understood the code.

-Gekkei Uzumaki. Although her last name was omitted, it was under 'intentions' as the specific clan.-

-Gekkei? You sure? That's not a name any parent would call their child.-

-No, not like that.- Nobody else would have seen the put-upon sigh in his kouhai's body language, but Kakashi delighted in it. He also wanted to know the answer to his question. What kind of mother would let their daughter be called 'menstruation'? -The characters mean Laurel, it's probably short for Gekkeiju.-

-That's also an unfortunate name for nicknames. Kaijuu. I'd pick 'gekkei' over that, too. Maybe her and the Kyuubi are a matched set?- The ninja internally winced at the bad joke, but he wasn't called an insensitive asshole for nothing. Just because it bothered him didn't mean he wouldn't say it.  
Another example of this was his Icha Icha reading. Though that was also something he enjoyed, but the frustration and outrage were fun enough he wasn't going to stop now.

The old man hummed as he scanned them before looking back up at the room, "This seems to be in order." Hiruzen gave Gekkei - Laurel. Laurel was less likely to make him want to snigger purely from reflex - a piercing look, "Why haven't you approached me about this matter before now? The rebuilding of a clan is a serious endeavour."

The woman sighed, covering her eyes with a steady hand. Apparently she wasn't even the tiniest bit nervous, covering her line of sight like that. "First, I've only been here for two days. Second, I wanted to figure out Naruto state of living when I found him. Third, I wanted to experience more of the village before making a decision. It's not just my life to think about. There are a couple under-tens to consider, and one of the couples are expecting. To put it frankly, I had three weeks to look around, and I was planning to use them. Coming across Naruto was pure luck."

Her tired exhale punctuated the flutter of shuffling paper before she picked up the thread of conversation again, and addressed what she thought was the source of their suspicions.

"Look, I get that Naruto's got some kind of bloodline or inherited power that freaks people out badly enough they wanna kill him, but I don't know about it, and I don't really care. As long as he's not going to kill me in my sleep - which is honestly a big step up from most people who know me - I'm good. Is there anything else you need right this instant, or can we leave? 'Cause I get the impression you won't be answering any of Naruto-related questions properly, and I just want to sleep my headache off."

 _I still don't believe she doesn't know about the Kyuubi, but she's a very good actress. Convincing. But 'big step up'? She honestly has that many people after her head? How have we not heard of anything about her? There's not a lot of civilians with bounties that aren't part of some kind of crime syndicate, and they have lists and descriptions of all key members anyway._

 _What is going_ on _with this woman?_

The Hokage started leaking a low level of Killing Intent, just enough to make any civilian's predator instincts wake up and hint towards fight or flight. It was enough to make a ninja take the situation seriously, usually. To everyone's astonishment, Laurel didn't react at all aside from a bored yawn.

Kakashi wanted to dig inside her head and figure out what made her tick, because he'd never seen anyone do that before. The closest anyone else had ever gotten to doing that was the three Sannin, and they had been the most formidable Konoha shinobi in the Second and Third Shinobi Wars. Completely aside from being his students.  
Kakashi himself had done similar rule-flaunting, but as one of the most useful ninja the village had currently paired with his history, he got a lot of slack on the leash.

She was a foreign civilian, with no chakra skills aside from a strange immunity to genjutsu, and here she was staring down the most powerful man in the country and _yawning in boredom._

 _What in Kami's name is this madness._

The pair spent a minute staring each other down before the Hokage rumbled out a rebuttal. "There are factors at work you cannot comprehend. Naruto's ignorance is for his own safety."

If anything, she only got more irreverent. "Yeah, no. I call bullshit. He should at the very least have the names of his parents, and someone has to be alive who knew them even in passing. If they were ninja, some people had to work with them for missions. If they were civilians, they had to have jobs, and support networks, and social circles. It's impossible for everyone who ever knew them to be dead, unless he's not actually a Konoha-born citizen. If that's true, it's 50-50 odds you stole him, or he was rescued from some cataclysmic event that somehow wiped out a town but didn't touch this one baby. And it wasn't because of him, or he would know about his power and be trained to control it if it could happen again. If it couldn't happen again, he wouldn't have people ostracising him everywhere he goes."

The Hokage's face darkened, and the KI nearly doubled in his genuine anger. He felt the wave of it roll over him, but Naruto started shaking and it was only Laurel's actions that stopped him from freaking out worse. She looped an arm around his shoulders and reminded the Hokage who else was present in the room enough that he cut off the Killing Intent completely. If it wasn't going to help with the interrogation, there was no point in any of it.  
Kakashi shifted his weight so he leaned toward Tenzou in silent support. The younger male was not a big fan of pissed-off authority figures, and he'd probably mentally and emotionally shut down in self-defense.

"You should have more care to how you speak-"

Again, this tiny ginger woman shocked him to his core. She interrupted the Hokage, not even caring about the Killing Intent for her own sake, or even the power he wielded over her fate. "-How about you take a moment to actually think about it from Naruto's perspective? From that of an orphan?" She went on to tell him about all the information he grew up knowing, and how much of that Naruto knew. It sounded very personal, something she'd understood by experience and knew inside-out.

One sentence made Kakashi - actually everyone in the room - flare their chakra in shock. "He doesn't know if 'Uzumaki' is honouring a people long-ruined, or sacrificing him to the village through a brand that marks him as something 'special'." The comment about sacrifice _burned_ , especially in how it hit home. Uzumaki might have been his mother's name, but it was also given to him because of his role as the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki. It was a mark of his sacrifice, of his status as being that sacrifice. Only an Uzumaki could contain the beast and survive, and so his lineage was proven twice over. _Another point in favour of her having knowledge of the Kyuubi._

And then she paraphrased the Will of Fire. "Safety is in knowledge, in being able to build a foundation, creating bonds to connect you with who you are, who you could be, and who you should not be. You were _born_ with these roots, they were given to you by the people around you. Naruto, and every single orphan like him must instead _bleed_ for them."

The ANBU had the uncharitable thought that this woman couldn't be human.  
He would have said 'real' but she was speaking from a point of such obvious pain that she wasn't someone just speaking the words. She clearly felt them, had lived them, and survived well enough to articulate this to both people who did not understand, and those who did inside their deepest corners.  
 _She cannot be human._

"You sound as if you speak from experience."

Her voice was level and unemotional when she said, "I do, of a kind. I was orphaned when I was barely more than a baby, but also a foundling later on in life after my initial guardians spent their time convincing me I was a burden."

She hugged Naruto tighter, and Kakashi thought maybe they could cut things off here and examine all she'd actually revealed, and what they were going to do about it. When he started signing this to the man behind the desk, the Hokage spoke up and changed everything entirely.

"Well, that about answers all the immediate questions. You have a few choices for your stay in Konohagakure. You may consent to an ANBU watcher and stay with Naruto, working as my new secretary during the week. You may discuss terms on the resurrection of the Uzumaki clan with me tomorrow, and then go collect your clan members so we can assess you all at once, or you may leave permanently."

Kakashi went quiet, as still as a tree in the dead of winter. Tenzou was quietly freaking out beside him, while Yuugao was suppressing twitches in front of the door like she'd been licked by Anko in public again.  
The Hokage usually had more sense than Jiraiya at the onsen rather than less, so it was a bit of a surprise. It was commonly accepted knowledge that the more powerful a ninja, the more eccentric, but he'd never seen evidence of it in their leader.

Admittedly, it was kind of amusing when the woman's jaw unhinged just a little bit, and her eyes seemed to open to the size of the moon, but she just squeezed the boy in her arms, resettled her expression into a less-offended arrangement, and gathered her wits. "That depends on what kind of hours we're looking at. I want to be able to help Naruto, and I can't do that if we never see each other."

The tension in the room relaxed enough that Yuugao was allowed to guard from outside while Laurel and the Sandaime bartered back and forth. Kakashi retreated with Tenzou, just absorbing the background noise until he heard the Hokage address them directly. "ANBU Cat, you will be assigned to watch Gekkeiju Uzumaki, and ANBU Dog you are in charge of organising the other members of your squad into appropriate shifts. I will discuss things with you further after you take these two back to Naruto's apartment."

They nodded, and returned the sleepy Uzumaki boy and the wary civilian to their apartment in a shower of leaves.

[-]


	10. Seeing Double and Pointless Snark

Hey! My sister asked me the other day who was more excited for update day between me and you guys, and I said me. I spend basically all of Thursday acting like it's the night before my birthday. Mostly I just want you guys to know everything I do so I can delight in it with you, but I have to keep waiting and it's very frustrating.

Replies to guest reviews are at the bottom, so it doesn't bother the rest of you.

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10: Seeing Double and Pointless Snark

[-]

By the time everything was said and done, Laurel was beyond tired and well into the stage of 'wired'. She sorted food for the pair of them, and sent him off to bed with promises for pranking after school the next day, since they'd been unexpectedly occupied.

Instead of sleeping herself, the witch spent the night reevaluating her options, and tossing up between going on as she had been, and asking Death for advice. The Hokage had agreed to give her a day more to settle in, and after that she would start working as - or learning, honestly, on how to be - a proper secretary. She had no idea what the Hokage's secretary was actually supposed to do, but since her goal was to stay with Naruto it would be fine.

She got the idea that it solved more than a few problems for the village leader, since she'd stood up to him with no problems (never mind he hadn't actually tried to kill her, and other ninja might not be so inclined) and she'd be right under his nose (it didn't matter she might be handling possibly sensitive information?) and she would be reasonably close to Naruto most of the time (she was pretty sure he didn't actually trust her with the blonde boy yet).

For Laurel's own goals the position was useful. After a certain amount of time she might be able to get someone to actually do something about Naruto's school situation by outright asking. She didn't expect it to be in time for his graduation by much, if at all, but there were other children. Who knew how many had faced similar kinds of prejudice? She could try find the sources of the problem, and could use and abuse her new power to make people treat Naruto better after enough time had passed, and word got around that they were related in some way. She'd be hinting whenever the opportunity came up anyway, but knowing she might actually get people to listen was more comforting.

And meeting people would be a daily thing. She wasn't sure if the secretary was generally a civilian, but she considered herself a combatant, just not a ninja, so Laurel sort of straddled the line between the only two classifications this society recognised.

Maybe she should talk to Changeling again. She'd already interacted with an elite shinobi, and might have some advice on how to best get information, or the things she'd need to watch out for.

 _Right, let's start with that._

It took some fiddling, but Laurel managed to make it happen. After a long chat with Changeling on what she'd argued with Dog about, and what she'd learnt, the witch let her mind fade into unconsciousness and prepare for the coming day.

[-]

Naruto was off at school, and planting small stink pellets all over the school to be activated by various people over the next week. It'd make him more aware of his surroundings and potential trap places hopefully.  
In all honesty, Laurel just wanted to take the boy on a wild rampage and test the reaction times. But that was bad teaching, and patience was something the blonde desperately needed to learn. If Naruto wasn't allowed to go off on a chaos-making rampage, neither was his 'mentor'.

 _ **~Question the masked man~**_ Was Death's unwanted and as of yet, unasked for input. When they'd even turned up, she didn't know, and it was the first time she'd ever seen the being with her eyes and not her soul or mind.

They were just as they'd appeared in the Veil: a grey, ghost-adjacent, mist apparition and gave off a cold steam-smoke that floated to the floor and gathered there. There was no discernable gender, though why people assumed Death would identify as female or male, she couldn't guess. "As old as time" rather implied being beyond such things. They wore no hood or cloak, but Laurel could see no face or body, and the mist seemed to be as a shield, or maybe through which their presence manifested.

It didn't matter, not really. They were what they were, and such observations were useless to her.

She raised an eyebrow in argument, not willing to risk outright speech, and unsure if the Primordial could understand her without it.

 _ **~Your curiosity burns inside you. Ask.~**_ They tilted their approximation of a head, _**~Do you not want to know?~**_

 _Know what?_ She thought. _Ask what?_ Death did not respond, and Laurel guessed they couldn't read her mind, then. Or if they could they weren't inclined to respond. Or maybe they thought her questions weren't worth answering. _Honestly, it could be any of those but it doesn't change the fact that they haven't answered, and apparently I should be asking my watcher._ She spared a brief curse for cryptic assholes who tried dictating her life.

 _ **~Your past will not be discovered, with discretion,~**_ They advised, before departing.

In the spirit of 'already been caught out and they know something's weird', there was no real reason why summoning Cat would cause any new issues. And it could be fun, if she did this right. The ANBU was assessing her potential as a threat to Konoha and Naruto, not as a threat to herself. That gave her a lot more leeway than the Wizarding World had.

Before starting anything, she reminded Changeling, "Just remember that they have more sensitive hearing than we do, and can probably lip read, so I won't be talking to you and you need to stay absolutely silent, okay?"

Changeling nodded, and settled in the corner between the wardrobe and the bed. There was less of a chance she'd be discovered there than on the bed or something so she gave her golem the invisibility cloak to hide under and observe while she summoned Cat. As if he was the genie instead of Laurel. (She snorted a laugh, and Changeling bothered her into explaining the joke)

The witch cancelled her own version of **muffliato** , one without the buzzing noise with a twitch of her fingers. **Finite incantatum** was too useful to need a wand every time. Laurel reminded herself that it might be a good idea to expand her wandless repertoire since she would be hiding it long-term, and still needing to perform magic.

"ANBU Cat, may I talk with you?"

Instead of answering, he simply appeared inside the window and stood three paces in. Laurel sat herself at the table, and sipped at a prepared cup of tea.

"You can sit somewhere you know, I'm not sure how long this is going to take." Cat shook his head, and Laurel accepted that as his choice. "Okay, first off, I'm not expecting answers for everything. I have no way of seeking answers for most of these questions, so that's why I'm asking directly, okay? Usually I'm a big fan of personal research, but I can't." A nod. "Okay, thanks. Can you give me an idea of what the Hokage's secretary actually does?"

The brunette answered impassively, voice flat and emotionless. "She sorts through the paperwork for the Hokage into categories, keeps track of meetings and appointments, makes his life easier. How you go about that is up to the individual, but you will be expected to interact with high-ranking shinobi and civilians fairly and politely."

"Right." That was extremely vague, and only barely useful. Maybe after a week and experiencing the more common scenarios, Laurel could figure out how she could fit into the role. "Is there a uniform or dress-code?"

"..." The ANBU seemed a bit stunned by the question, for some reason. And the witch could tell even though he was wearing a mask. "Not so much."

"Care to explain?" She raised her eyebrows in interest. "Is it something to do with why Naruto wearing a full-body orange jumpsuit isn't strange?"

"Essentially. Aside from the generalised rank-related uniforms, shinobi are free to choose their attire, and seek out a different reaction with the way they dress. Most Konoha civilians are used to these… irregularities. As long as your clothing is work appropriate, no comments will be made."

Laurel took a moment to drink some more tea and digest this. No uniforms. _Weird, but I think I might enjoy that._ "Do you want something to drink?" She blurted out, suddenly registering how rude she'd been. "Coffee, tea, water?" Cat shook his head again, and she remembered his reality. "Right. Justifiably paranoid ninja wearing a mask. That might be a bit of a bad idea. Ignore me."

The two of them sat in quiet for a while, just listening to the humming of the fridge backed by the sounds of people outside.

"Do you have any idea how long you'll be watching for? Just until I prove myself, or you get my background information, or for a specific time?"

"There's no specific time bracket, just when the Hokage feels confident in trusting you around Naruto, and the other citizens of Konoha." The way he finished the sentence made her think something else might have been bitten off before it could be expressed properly.

Laurel smiled, adjusting her glasses on her face, "You can ask, if you want. If I don't want to answer I'll just say that." She wouldn't be tearing open old wounds today, if she could help it. There'd been enough of that yesterday.

He cleared his throat gently, "Where did you grow up?"

"I grew up in the Land of Hot Water, mostly in Yugakure. My parents had been on their Fuuinjutsu Mastery journey when Uzushio was destroyed, and they settled there with my mother's sister and went into hiding. They were discovered a little after my first birthday, and killed, and my Aunt took me in. I spent the next ten-ish years with her and her family before going travelling myself."  
She tapped her lip with a finger, thinking of her next question, "Is there a guide or rule book or something for new entrants to Konoha that I need to abide by? I haven't been able to find anything about that, and Naruto didn't have any useful information."

"He wouldn't," Cat assured. "And there is, of a kind. It's part of the test for true citizenship. I assume the Hokage will organise a time for you to take it, once you've been here for maybe a month or so? Have you had any formal training to be a shinobi?"

Laurel hissed out a breath, "That's a bit of a hard one, honestly. Gimme a moment to figure out how to give you the information you're seeking." She hummed as she assembled the sentences, hopefully in a way that would make sense to a shinobi, but still be true for her as a witch. She didn't know if they had a way to tell lies from the truth, so her best bet was to keep it as truthful as possible. Death seemed certain that her background would stay hidden as long as she wasn't obvious about it.  
"Okay, so first of all, my parents were carriers of a special 'bloodline limit', I think you call them. A hereditary talent, in any case. This talent manifests periodically throughout the childhood, when the child gets extremely emotional. Once the child is over ten, it stabilizes enough for training to go smoothly, and without training this ability becomes volatile and deadly. You with me so far?"

"Yes. Do you have this talent?"

She nodded, "I do. It's why I left my aunt's house when I turned 11. So, though I never had a proper shinobi education, and cannot use jutsu the way you, or even Naruto might, I was taught how to control this ability. I was also taught how to defend myself with it. It wasn't until I received my inheritance from my parents that I discovered my complete history, since my aunt never talked about her sister, and the talent was not one restricted to that clan."

Cat waited until he was sure she was finished before asking his next one. "Can you demonstrate this kekkei genkai?"

Laurel stalled briefly, before her gaze flicked over to where Changeling was hiding and she had the _best_ idea. "Of course. Just stay where you are, and I'll do it over here, okay?"

[-]

Laurel walked over to the wardrobe and cast a silent summoning charm to pull the cloak to one hand, while Cat's view was blocked by her back. Before the ANBU could think too hard about it, the witch let the cloak slide to the floor, giving the impression that a copy of herself had appeared out of thin air. The 'copy' was wearing entirely different clothes from Laurel, who was wearing soft bed socks, another brightly-coloured pair of leggings and an oversized jumper. Changeling was in jeans and a black long-sleeved t-shirt, with bare feet and her own pair of (unenchanted) black glasses perched upon her nose.

The witch pulled the copy of herself to sit on the end of the bed next to her. "This is my combat partner," the witch gestured to the magical construct, which bowed her head in greeting.

Cat stepped a little closer, tilting his head as he observed the pair. "Is she a clone?"

"No," Laurel shook her head. "Not the way I understand them. Clones are a copy of the original, and just a visual construct. She's a physical construct." _And has her own mind, her own personality._

"Clones can be physical," the ANBU refuted. "The basic academy clones aren't physical, but higher level versions of the technique can be constructed from an element and contained by the user's chakra."

Changeling spoke this time, tapping one finger against the back of her other hand, "That's interesting. Do they do anything when cancelled? Like if a clone is made of lightning - I assume by element you mean an elemental affinity - does it electrocute anyone in contact? That could be useful."

"As you can probably see, she's not a clone, but more like a twin. We are similar in some aspects and different in others." The witch crossed one leg over the other, and folded her arms below her breasts.

"Is there a name you call yourself to differentiate from Gekkeiju?" _He called me Laurel - well, laurel tree. I'm really glad they 'already know' my last name or the whole point of not going by my own name would be moot. When did I get a new name? Death, probably. Wait does that mean I'm not actually speaking the same language as them?  
No, it doesn't matter. As long as they _think _I'm speaking their language, it's good._

Changeling answered while the witch was internally occupied. "I go by Shoukin."

Laurel suppressed a flinch. Shoukin meaning prize, laurel, accolade, a symbol of honour. That was a bit on the nose, there. The witch might normally accuse Death of meddling, but sadly that was Changeling's humour all over; subtle, cutting and ironic. There was a strong likelihood the golem was restraining giggles at that moment.

"I can test if Shoukin is a traditional clone," Cat suggested.

The redheads looked at each other and once the curiosity was agreed on as the motivating factor, they nodded simultaneously. "Will it hurt?"

"It shouldn't. More disorienting, if anything."

Changeling - maybe she should think of her as Shoukin for simplicities sake - stood up from the bed and walked until she was within reach of Cat. Laurel concentrated on her sense of the runestones and the magical lattice that made Shoukin what she was.  
Normally she wasn't very good at magic sensing, but since the golem was such a complex weaving of her energies and they spent so much time in contact, she'd gotten a good grasp of what the magical construct should and did feel like. Laurel had discovered she could sense her own magic, even if anyone else's was outside of her grasp and the more complex the weaving, the more obvious it was to her sensing.

The ANBU placed a careful hand on Shoukin's shoulder. It felt like a ripple over the surface of a pond to Laurel, as if a drop of foreign energy had been pushed in between the strands of magic that joined one rune to the next. It didn't do anything other than temporarily displace the arrangements, but the threads were elastic and didn't snap. It may even have slightly strengthened the rune lattice, actually, and the witch noticed that after the ripple had dissipated there was still a minor influx of strength, coming from somewhere outside of the construct.

Shoukin herself seemed mildly disturbed, but more like she'd stuck her hand in a lukewarm pool only to find it icy cold. She shuddered and drew away, but she didn't try to hit him so it wasn't that bad. Laurel thought to ask anyway, "You alright?"

The golem looked over her shoulder at her creator. "I'm fine, it just felt like an unexpected bath, or stepping from bright sunlight into deep shade. What was that?" Both women turned their focus toward the third person in the room.

"I attempted to disrupt the chakra shell most clones use. The other option is to create a physical hole in the shell, which is how those who can't control chakra to that extent usually dismiss them."

Laurel grinned, "Glad you didn't try that. Shoukin is not keen on being stabbed."

"That's one way of putting it," Shoukin smirked at her twin. "Unless you wanna try it, Gekkei?"

"You mean getting stabbed? Eh, been there, done that. If it's the chakra disruption, it could be informative." She focused on the shinobi, "Would you mind?"

He shrugged, and so Shoukin moved to the table and stole her hot drink while Laurel took her place in front of the ANBU. He repeated the gesture, and poked her magical core. It didn't ripple, rather it flared almost defensively like a fire that'd just had water flicked on it and threw a 'spark' at Cat. They both flinched away from each other simultaneously, and Laurel exhaled sharply through her teeth.

"What was that reaction?" Shoukin leant forward, eyes scanning first one than the other. "That was more violent than mine."

"Yeah, I'll agree to that. Did you feel that?" The witch asked her golem.

"It was weird, but I only got a little of it. Sand shifting to reveal a shard of glass that poked back. Apparently you have unplumbed depths, who would've guessed?" Laurel burst out laughing at the wry intonation.

After she'd calmed herself down, the witch had an interesting thought, "Cat, did we feel different on your end?"

Cat nodded, "It might have something to do with chakra natures, which is something else different from clones. Most are incapable of using jutsu, and have the same affinity as the original." When he noticed both females were waiting for him to elaborate further, he did so. "Shoukin seems to have a water-earth affinity, while Gekkeiju has fire-earth, in order of strength. Dual affinities are rare, even more so that the only one you share is the secondary one."

"That does make sense. I mean, first we're pretty distinct people, second we have different priorities, and third we tend to fight differently, for different reasons." Laurel padded over to the kitchen bench on silent feet and jumped to sit in her favourite spot.

"So it's clear the Shoukin is not any kind of clone I've heard of. It's possible that you might be distantly related to the Kurama clan, they have a kekkei genkai that's similar in some aspects. You are certain she is not your blood relative?"

"Very. Shoukin is only, what, four years old?"

"Somewhere around there." The Golem confirmed, though she had been 'alive' for longer than that, they didn't include anything up until a distinct consciousness was anchored to Shoukin's current body. Those two parts had developed separately. "And Gekkeiju is 22, so that's a bust. I don't know any other kids born fully-grown, do you?"

"There's no need to be rude," the witch reprimanded her copy. "It was just a question."

"Like murderous rage is just a feeling?"

Laurel gave the other woman a flat look, "We are not arguing about this right now. You know what I meant."

Cat interrupted before Shoukin could bite out a reply, "You said the ability manifests throughout childhood, and must be trained over the age of ten. If Shoukin is less than five years old, and you were training since you were eleven, what were you doing the other six years?"

"Uh," Laurel wasn't sure how to answer that. She wanted to say "stuff", but that would imply she was hiding something. "The ability can manifest differently until it settles, I guess. It can be mistaken for other kekkei genkai up until then, and we train the different aspects until we find one that fits best."

She was bluffing so hard. Hopefully he wouldn't ask for clarification, because she didn't want to lie and say that once it settled the other abilities were blocked off, or demonstrate some more.  
When referring to something fitting best, she was referring to the different spell types, mostly. Funnily enough, Shoukin was more inclined to the combat spells and elemental manipulation, while Laurel herself tended toward the utility charms and transfiguration.  
Runework was one of the rare magical subjects that was based entirely on the user's learning and ability to manipulate the shapes and arrays for their purpose.

Since Laurel thought the idea of mystery people imitating what was usually only hereditary or clan-bound abilities could be quite worrying, she decided some clarification might be in order. "Aside from myself and Shoukin, I don't know of any other living beings with the ability. All the leads I found here were dead ends."

Or, if she'd actually bothered looking they would be. Emphasis on the 'dead': the Veil was a death-sentence to anyone not possessing all three of the Hallows. Laurel was the only one to ever unite them after they'd been created. If there was a Master of Death before that, the primordial has never said, but after? Only Laurel Potter.

Changing the topic entirely, she said, "What's the protocol for re-establishing a clan?"

"Probably very similar to establishing one, I'd imagine." Cat said politely, leaning himself against the patch of wall next to the window.

Shoukin snorted when he stopped there, and Laurel ran a hand over her face. "Come on, give me something more than that. I'm not a big fan of politics. How scared do I need to be?"

"'Very', would be my guess. I've never actually seen a new clan come into Konoha, and re-establishing hasn't been something we've has had to deal with before. The closest might be with the Senju, or the Uchiha, in which case there's only a few remaining descendants left. That means it's likely the CRA might be enacted, but they haven't been destroyed entirely."

At this, the magical construct started chuckling. "Oh, you shut up," she grumbled, "If I have to I will drag you into this, too, Shoukin." To Cat, she asked, "CRA?"

"Yeah right," the younger woman sniggered. "We both know I don't do diplomatic, just like you don't do predictable. It goes against your nature."

"But you can do honest as good as me, so you can be honestly protective. That means you don't _have_ to be diplomatic. And anyway, this whole thing is as much for your benefit as it is for mine."

"Was that supposed to be an insult or a compliment, Laurel?"

She swung her feet as she contemplated that, "Try both. _Anyway_ , Cat?"

"Clan Restoration Act," he answered her question now that there was no risk of interrupting someone. _He is polite to a fault, most people wouldn't have bothered waiting._

Laurel froze, the words ticking over in her mind and distracting her from analysing his personality. The witch drummed her fingers anxiously, "Is that what I think it is?" She looked at him with wide, scared eyes, silently pleading. He tilted his head in query. "A breeding program?"

"Not quite," the man murmured. "In the case of your clan, as the head it would probably be incentive for you to get engaged and married." He waved an unconcerned hand, "But you have already said that you have found other remaining members, and the village would be more inclined to accept fully-functioning people over prospective babies."

She snorted, trying to calm herself down. That had been one of her recurring nightmares back home; that the Ministry would pass some new bullshit laws in an attempt to revitalise the magical bloodlines. "Fair enough. Get more immediate use out of adults and children than unborn babies, I guess. Moving on, are there certain individuals or places I'm not allowed to interact with or go to, as a currently-unverified foreigner?"

"You're allowed access to some of the basic training grounds, and the public and civilian domains, but the Hokage's office is only by invitation, and clan grounds are off limits. The specialised training grounds are mostly for your safety, since those are for genin and up, and a lot of the things there could kill you."

Laurel and Shoukin exchanged a knowing look. They way they were going, the only thing that could kill the witch was old age, and as long as she could reconstruct Shoukin, the golem wouldn't stay dead either. They were temporarily immortal. "That's fair," the older drawled. "So I figure you guys know about our plan to help Naruto, right?"

"Yes," Cat confirmed. "Why do you ask?"

Shoukin started, "Well, having a training ground we could actually find might be useful."

"And since you're gonna be following us all the time anyway, maybe you could help out a little?" Laurel continued the train of thought.

"Just with the stuff we can't teach him, like jutsu, and maybe some of the taijutsu forms," the construct clarified.

"From what we can tell, the boy's had to teach himself essentially everything from scratch."

"And we've never been formally trained in the shinobi arts,"

The witch hummed, "So it'll be at least half guesswork without someone with experience."

Luckily for his neck, Cat hadn't even bothered truly watching each woman as they spoke. It probably helped at least a little that they were inside his visual range, even if they were on opposite ends of it. The ANBU thought about it, and eventually said, "I probably can, since there's no real secrecy aspect about you having a observer. But it won't always be me on shift, and I cannot speak for my squadmates."

"That's fine," the women chorused, exchanging another look, although this one was amused. Laurel spoke alone after that, "One ninja helping is always better than none, right? Shou, d'you want a muffin?"

"Always," she said, lacing her fingers together on the wooden surface in front of her.

As the witch jumped off the bench and went over to the correct cupboard, she spoke over her shoulder, "I'd offer you something, Cat, but we've already established that's a bad idea, and that you'd say no. I mean, you could always take one before you leave, or after you finish your shift to take home, if you want." She pulled out two large ones, and placed one in front of her pseudo-twin before returning to her spot on the bench. "Any more questions?"

Laurel took a big bite out of the side while the ANBU decided. Shoukin was pulling hers to pieces and popping in a morsel at a time.

[-]

The two of them convinced their ninja to show them to the most useful training ground, though in the end Shoukin stayed behind. He walked Laurel there, so she'd be able to find it later with Naruto, and they spent their time discussing ninja things.

"So the throwing knives are kunai, the pointy stars of death are shuriken, and the long needles are senbon. Does Naruto have to be able to use all of these?" Other than a scarf and boots, the witch had refused to change into more "publicly-appropriate" clothes. If her charge could wear an orange onesie to school, she was allowed to wear her lounging outfit for a short walk.

"More the shuriken and kunai. Senbon require extreme precision to be effective, and so it's not important for an academy student to use them unless it's what they want to specialise in."

That made her curious, "What kind of specialisations are there, then? Naruto hasn't mentioned anything about that."

"Generally, there are the main four: ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu or weapons. More specifically there are several more, which is the responsibility of their Jounin-sensei to help them with." He turned down an alley off to the left, and Laurel trailed behind him.

"Are you sure we're going to a training ground? The only thing I'm seeing is more buildings."

"I know where we're going. Just two more streets."

They walked in silence, unnoticed by most citizens. Neither of them made a sound as they walked the hardened dirt paths, and Cat was barely more than a ghost. She copied him as well as she was able, since it was obvious most ANBU were supposed to be unseen threats.

"Here," Cat announced as they darted behind a group of shops and entered an empty patch of grass and earth contained by a stone wall as tall as Laurel. Most people would be able to see over the top edge, but it was mostly to protect the shops and the civilians that presumably frequented them.  
There were a couple trees, some on their side of the clearing, and a couple scattered around the other edges. It was about the size of Naruto's classrooms at school in the shape of a square with one corner cut off, with three wooden posts at the far end painted with rings in a makeshift target.

Laurel assessed the grounds for stray rocks or sticks that could cause injuries, but the only things littering the ground were dead leaves. The grass was surprisingly soft, and long enough to come up to her ankle bones, even though it wasn't yet spring.

"What's this place like in summer?" She spoke wonderingly, thinking of days spent on the edge of the Black Lake rolling in the sunshine and green after exams. She ached for the simplicity of it.

"You'll be here long enough to find out," Cat murmured, walking so he was behind her shoulder.

She spun to face him, "You're a super talented elite ninja, right?" He nodded slowly, and she could feel the strange look even through the mask. "Wanna spar? It's been weeks since I went up against someone stronger than me." He was clearly mulling it over, but wasn't completely convinced. "How about if I say taijutsu only? It's no fun if I don't work for it, and you can get a better read of what I'm capable of."

Now that she'd suggested it, Laurel didn't think she could go another day without fighting something. She'd been all nice and tame for months, and it wasn't a big challenge to spar with Shoukin because the witch had been teaching her for her whole life, and knew knew the golem's style inside-out.

He still didn't say anything one way or the other, "Come on, please?" She pouted at the blank face of his mask.

"Alright."

"Yes!" Laurel cheered, "Do you want to go straight for it, or warm up first?" She stripped off her jumper since the baggy sleeves would only get in the way, and the turtleneck sleeveless shirt underneath wouldn't be anywhere near as bad. Better to be slightly cold than at a disadvantage.  
 _Ah, I forgot about my lamp-given bracelets. Here's hoping they're mistaken for tattoos or something harmless. I might need to make myself some leather jewellery to cover it up if I'm going to be sparring more often._

"I'll let you warm up first," Cat allowed. He removed his sword and placed it on top of her discarded clothing, while Laurel started her usual stretches.

A couple minutes later they were facing each other in the middle of the training grounds, waiting for the other to attack first.

[-]

Guest replies:

Nova: Funny thing, actually. Laurel gets paid. And I haven't figured out all the finicky parts of re-establishing a clan as opposed to starting a new one, but I think it's more along the lines of 'what can you do for the village' rather than outright money. And renewing vows or some such nonsense. Not really looking forward to _those_ formalities.

But there's a big difference between a minor clan and a major clan, and examples of such depend on both history within the village and the sheer number. Historically, both Senju and Uchiha would count as major clans, but in actual running of the village, their influence is negligible. When compared the other clan heirs in Naruto's age group, you have examples of the other clans that are more 'important' simply because they affect the village in more ways. The Uzumaki would be more like Senju, honestly. Not a lot of expectation, aside from just carrying out the bloodline? That's completely aside from the fact that no one sane would try to tell Tsunade she needs to pop out a couple of kids, or else... Yeah. That'd go down well.


	11. Naruto Uzumaki and the Art of Plotting

Hey! So, I've been working on rewriting the previous chapters, and I finished it yesterday. If you're confused, that might be why, but it's mostly just making the characterisations more consistent and adding lore bits that I didn't know before.

Thank you for all the wonderful comments! Guest replies at the bottom as usual.

[-]

11: Naruto Uzumaki and the Art of Plotting

[-]

Cat made the first move and in a motion that was too fast for her to track, he had her pinned to the ground and a hand on her throat. Laurel blinked up at him before the ninja helped her to her feet.

She grinned, amused, "Alright, so completely aside from that," they returned to their starting positions. "Do you want to pretend I have a fighting chance?"

He nodded, "You will need to give me an example."

She shrugged, and went to kick him, which he dodged easily. "We good?" When he indicated a positive, she let him start.

He made to pin her again, going for her shoulder in order to upset her balance but Laurel dodged it with no trouble and twisted behind him. She jabbed at the back of his knee, and when he shifted just out of her reach, went into a handstand to kick his chin.

They continued back and forth, Cat scoring more hits, but unable to pin Laurel again because she kept eeling out of his grip. She sprung off her hands and managed to wrap her legs around his throat and throw him to the ground.

It was at this point, when she was basically straddling his face that the others arrived.

"...Right, I should've known this was what you were aiming for. You _have_ been twitchy lately."

Laurel looked up at Shoukin's unimpressed face and snorted in bemused aggravation. "You can shut up, you've been twitchy for months!"

"Bored. I've been bored for months. You've been on edge ever since all this-" the golem waved a hand, indicating Konoha to the others, but the realm travel, and possibly the whole lamp thing to her double. "-Happened. You need a better outlet."

Cat flipped their positions, but the witch escaped before he could get a good grasp, and tried kicking him in the face while she was at it. When that failed, an elbow below his ribs helped, and the ginger squashed him face-first into the dirt.

Well. Mask-first. He let her, laying complacent even though one of his hands was free, and he had more than enough weight to throw her off due to her lack of leverage.

"Excuse you, I've been working on it! Baking is not enough to deal with this scale of stress, and it's not like I've had an opportunity to hit something properly for a good couple weeks." To the ANBU beneath her, she asked in an undertone, "Rain check?"

"Sure." He allowed her roll to her feet, and took the hand she offered to help him up. "It was informative."

"Just because I can't use my chakra to augment my speed- wait a minute, I might be able to. Huh..." Shoukin snapped her fingers in front of Laurel's eyes before she could lose herself in calculations and theoretical rune mark tattoos. "Right. Not the time." She turned on Naruto who was gaping in astonishment as he looked between Shoukin and herself. "What's up, squishy?"

"What is going on? I thought she was you. Or you were her. I don't…"

"It's alright sweetheart, this is my clan jutsu. Naruto, this is Shoukin, to avoid getting us confused. She's sort of a twin that I wasn't born with?" Laurel shot a side-glance at her double, "Theoretically she's the combat one, but in reality she's just more straight-forward. Any other questions?"

He nodded, still staring. "Have I been with you or her?"

"Well, she's been sleeping for most of the time I've known you, so it's just been me. I think this is the first time you would've actually talked to her? If she's sleeping she's part of me, so she knows everything I know anyway, if that's what you're worried about." That was a white lie. Her golem only had the same knowledge if they communicated like normal people, which they made sure to do because it was so crucial they operated on the same information.

"If it helps, kiddo, it's a lot like getting two for the price of one." Shoukin joked, but the witch was pretty sure no one else could tell she was kidding. Then she made it worse. "The best part is making people guess which one of us it is. I think maybe three people have gotten it right? And those were all guesses."

Laurel stopped resisting the urge to cover her eyes with one hand. "Ignore her, she's sulking because I found a sparring partner and she didn't even get to watch me get beaten up."

"Damn right," the construct crossed her arms and stared her down.

"Your fault for believing me when I said we were just going to go look at it. You know we don't 'just look' at anything."

Cat cleared his throat, heading off another minor argument between the twins. _Polite as ever_ , Laurel thought to herself, amused. It was probably a good idea. Until they'd both found and used an appropriate outlet, they were going to be sniping at each other instead of giving into more… violent options.

Playing Wizard's chess had been for far more than the learning experience, and there was a very good reason why Laurel had succeeded so well at being an Auror, even with occasionally swapping out with her then-inexperienced golem to give her more real-life knowledge.

"Sorry," Laurel apologised in general. She turned to Naruto, while Shoukin seemed interested in discussing surveillance logistics with the two ANBU. "So, we're still on for pranking this afternoon?"

"Always, dattebayo!"

"Alright then. You're in charge of this as the mission leader, I'll just follow you. So, do you have a target and location you want to prank?" She wandered over to one of the trees to lean against it, and pulled him into sitting down with her.

"Mizuki-sensei, and his house." She made a questioning noise which the blonde interpreted correctly. "He sent me out of class today as punishment for a prank I didn't do. So I'm gonna _give_ him something to be annoyed about, to make up for it!"

"That is excellent motivation. Well, little sunbeam, do you have anything in mind?"

He thought about it very seriously, eventually answering, "Something with frogs. They're awesome and slimy and nobody really likes them very much, and some of them are really bright colours!" She could see from his description why he wanted frogs, honestly. A feeling of kinship, especially since neither frogs nor Naruto ever did anything to make people dislike them.

Laurel glanced up at the three to see Owl watching curiously before Shoukin and Cat drew her back into the conversation. "To recap then, we're going to be going to Mizuki's house, and when he's not there we're going to be putting some frogs somewhere because he punished you unjustly today. You got any frogs?"

"...No." He muttered, disappointment ringing in his voice. He looked up, and then whispered to her, "What does 'unjustly' mean?"

"Well, do you know what justice is?" A nod. "It's like that, except he did the opposite, and because it was a type of action - being a kind of punishment - that's why it ends in '-ly'." The witch comforted him by running her fingers through his hair, and once she had his attention she grinned wickedly as the prank started taking shape.

"Okay, so I can get the frogs with some of my-" she wiggled her fingers, hoping he'd figure it out. He was smart kid, just disadvantaged and living off his own wits. The boy nodded, a bright smile stretching across his face. "Do you want them to last forever, or just long enough to notice them? Think about what Mizuki might do." Maybe by getting him to plan out the possible reactions, she could help him understand consequences, and then he could find ways to get the ones he sought. Basics of manipulation, really.

"If we make it just long enough to notice, then if he goes to tell someone we could make them disappear before he gets back, right?"

"Yes we could. What are the advantages of doing it with real frogs?"

"Well then he has to clean up after the prank, which would be funny."

"It would be funny for us. Which we'd only see if we stuck around afterwards, which means we could get caught," she reminded him. "And how would both of these scenarios make Mizuki feel?"

"The first would make him confused, probably. Any help he got might think he was making it up, or he might think he'd been imagining it. The second would make him... angry?"

"Or frustrated, yeah. And then what are the consequences?" He looked confused. "How might Mizuki act afterwards. Think of him cleaning up after the prank, or at school the next day." Naruto didn't seem to get it. "Okay, here's an example. If the frogs are real, and he has to clean them up, he might hurt the frogs because he's angry. And at school the next day he might still be angry and be even meaner. Is that a good thing, something you could handle?"

"Oh, right! But if the frogs disappeared, then he would be confused, and there wouldn't be any frogs for him to hurt. And at school the next day he might still be confused and muddle up his lessons!"

"Exactly. That's the kind of prank that's better. And if there are no frogs, he'll be less likely to assume you did it." She pointed a finger and poked his nose playfully.

"Huh? What's 'assume' mean? Why?"

"Assume is when someone makes a guess about something, and then acts like it's true, even if it might not be. People assume things all the time. The reason why is because he thinks you're stupid, and a prank like that is very smart. He will think you couldn't do it, and so it had to be someone else. It's insulting, but you can take advantage of it, even if it won't work on everyone. People will only believe something about you as long as you don't prove them completely wrong." She shrugged, "It's a sad fact of life. My friends thought I was bad at school because I wasn't interested in boring things, and most of it was boring. Just like you don't 'pay attention' in class, because the teachers won't let you. You're not stupid."

He smiled his face-splitting smile, and Laurel pulled him into a hug. Naruto was just too cute!

"I hate to break up this heartwarming moment, Laurel, but we've sorted out what's going on." Shoukin spoke with a soft smile on her face, even if her tone was sarcastic. Children were precious. Andromeda had let them both play with Teddy, supposedly as part of helping Shoukin acclimatise to being alive. It was mostly just because Teddy was family, and he could teach the golem things that Laurel wouldn't think she might need to learn.

"Hmm?" She tilted her face so she could see her own face looking down at her. That had taken some adjusting in the first months. They weren't like most identical twins which had very subtle differences, usually like the placement of freckles, or completely different attitudes. Shoukin was an exact physical copy of herself, otherwise her acting as Laurel's double would be rendered moot by someone observant enough. And she knew how to play as being Laurel well enough to fool her best friends.

It was only through a lot of hard work and emotional bonds that made Shoukin a person in herself, rather than just a copy.

The magical construct pulled her out of her internal musings, as usual. "We either have to be together, or somewhere where there are already guards. It'll make it easier and they won't need to assign another one to us."

"What about if on days I'm working you stay at home?"

"It should be fine. I'll have the mobile one, and you'll be under observation of one of the Hokage's guards. And it's not like we want to go out in public as two people. That would be counter-intuitive to our purpose."

She hummed, "That's true. Alright. So does that mean you're coming with us then?"

"I'd rather go to sleep and hear about it later, honestly." Shoukin said as she tossed Laurel her previously-discarded jumper, "Put this on before you get sick."

The witch rolled her eyes, "Only because you said so." The shrinking charm was the third spell she could do wandlessly, and though she wouldn't be able to put the magical construct to sleep, Shoukin would already know that. She would probably prefer to see this in person anyway, or see the memories with Laurel's Rune-Mastery project. " **Reducio** ," she flicked her hand at her twin, and silently summoned the now-3cm-tall woman. Laurel pretended to brush a strand of hair behind her ear so she could settle there.

" _I'm fine_." Shoukin answered the question she couldn't ask. The witch felt her moving in her hair, probably weaving herself into place between the strands of the loose plait so when they started moving she wouldn't fall out.

The redhead returned her attention to the others, two of which were preternaturally stiff, and the other unconcerned. "Oh, I use phrases to concentrate my chakra. No hand-signs." Cat relaxed from his frozen position first, while Owl seemed more disturbed than before. Laurel pushed on, "So which of you two will be coming on our pranking adventure?"

[-]

Tenzou took a moment to confer silently with Yuugao, -What is it?-

-I'm not sure she's human.- Yuugao elaborated when he tilted his head in the motion of 'more info needed'. -Her chakra moves unlike anything I've ever felt before, including ninken, summons, shinobi, jinchuuriki, samurai and the Kyuubi. She might not be a ninja, but she is able to use chakra, and in ways I cannot predict. That wasn't an elemental, yin, yang, combination thereof, or any kind of clan jutsu.-

-Are you okay to continue observation?-

-Yes.-

Tenzou conceded, "Owl will continue with you, for now." -I will go report this, pending assessment of a different squad taking over surveillance. I will come see you for an update when they return to the house.-

Tenzou left silently, leaving the trio to their self-described 'adventure'. He decided to report to Kakashi first, since he was unusually entertained by Laurel and might have information he hadn't shared. Unless he knew it was relevant, his shishou had the habit of not sharing.

The brunette bounced over to Kakashi's run-down apartment in the hopes of finding him there, maybe reading. It was too early for him to be at any of the bars, and there hadn't been any 'Kakashi's here' yells from Gai. Otherwise he could be by the memorial stone, or training in one of the ANBU grounds, or in the ANBU barracks…

The list went on, and Tenzou only stayed long enough to ascertain the silver-haired shinobi was absent before moving on to the next.

In the end, Kakashi was in his favourite bookstore browsing for some new selections, and checking for any new Icha Icha novels. Sometimes Jiraiya sent a note on ahead, but at least half the time it was only discovered by the 26-year-old looking himself.

"Senpai, I have some information about the Uzumaki you might be interested in."

"Oh? Alright then, I guess I can admire the wonders of modern literature later."

Tenzou had reached the point where he assumed Kakashi was being sarcastic and serious at the same time, all the time. The older man had dubbed himself mordacious with no little amount of glee. He'd read it in one of his romance novels, instead of the porn ones, and delighted in using complicated words to confuse his age-mates.

He followed Kakashi out of the bookstore and back to his apartment, where they could talk in relative peace. The pair hid when Gai went thundering past, his three students flagging madly as they attempted to keep up with his enthusiasm.

"So." The masked shinobi leaned against the inside of his door, while Tenzou pokes at the mostly dead stick that used to be some kind of plant.

"She might not be capable of normal jutsu, but she has a clan kekkei genkai that is comparable to the Kurama one combined with a shadow clone. She manifests a separate personality in a physical form, which calls itself Shoukin. Laurel referred to it as a combative 'self', but later negated that by claiming she was not specifically more combat-capable, rather just more straight forward."

"Laurel herself isn't civilian-normal. I saw her practicing some kind of kata," Kakashi confirmed Tenzou's guess that he had other information.

"We sparred briefly this afternoon," the brunette admitted. The other man raised a questioning eyebrow. Or maybe both, though Tenzou couldn't tell behind the hitae-ate. "She's about high genin level, at a guess. Has the speed of a fast chakra-novice, but apparently has thought of a way around her inability to augment her speed. It was taijutsu only, so I have little idea about what she can do in a proper fight."

"'Little' is not nothing," His senpai pointed out.

"Yuugao was there when Laurel deactivated her clan jutsu, and now she's convinced she's not human."

"How come?"

"The way her chakra moved is apparently unlike anything she's encountered before, including summons and samurai, and up to the Kyuubi. And she doesn't use hand seals at all, just some gibberish 'focus words'. Yuugao didn't describe how it moved, but I have her following at the moment, since Laurel and Naruto are carrying out a prank together. If she uses her strange chakra again, Yuugao will sense it and report back later on her findings."

"She looked like she had a normal if excessively large chakra reserve for a civilian, but there was something off about it that I couldn't pin down. Maybe that's the same thing Yuugao's picking up on," Kakashi mused. "Have we figured out why Naruto calls her 'Jinii' yet?" Tenzou shook his head. "That might be another clue. It's not a very obvious nickname."

They stood in silence for a while, the elder clearly contemplating the situation.

"A separate personality, you said. Do they look different?"

"No, I tested to see if it was a clone, but it reacts like a person and disrupting it's chakra did nothing except give me a feel for their chakra natures. Apparently neither of them knew for sure."

"I might have met Shoukin. The way Laurel reacted in the Hokage's office, it was like she hadn't had the chance to recognise my voice, but I interrogated her a few hours before. It seems likely that I was in fact interrogating Shoukin, and then Laurel was in the Hokage's office where she recognised me. That also would explain the accent."

"She said they shared memories, though. Delayed reaction? Do they share memories constantly, or only when Shoukin is asleep?" Kakashi shrugged, and Tenzou asked the other thing bothering him, "But if you were talking to Shoukin, where was Laurel?"

The silver-haired ninja simply hummed in response.

Tenzou figured that was all he was getting, and he might as well wait for Yuugao's report before informing the Hokage, and left.

[-]

"Well, I'm glad you know where we're going, Naruto, but you've forgotten I can't hop on the roofs." Laurel informed the blonde dryly. "Is there another way we can get there that doesn't involve me breaking every bone in my legs?"

He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment, "Maybe? I mean, there is, but I'm not sure I remember it properly."

"We have plenty of time." She smiled, "And you should work on that. Knowing the lay of the land better than your opponent can be very useful." He tilted his head in confusion, and she explained. "Escaping or ambushing are always easier when you know where you're going and different ways to get there. Terrain is very important in combat of any kind."

Naruto was comfortable asking for definitions since Owl had hidden herself, even if she was following. "Terrain?"

"Your environment, your surroundings, the area where fighting, ambushing, defending or pranking happens. The more you know, the less likely you'll be surprised. You're the leader so you decide how we get there, within limitations." She waved a hand at the street in front of them, and held out the other for him to hold onto.

The blonde led them to Mizuki's house eventually, going through a couple wrong turns, and using back alleys to avoid judgmental idiots, but they did get there. The pair settled on a neighbouring rooftop, with a view of the front door of the apartment building and the most significant windows for Mizuki's place.

After half an hour or so, they watched him leave, and a quick conversation confirmed that they should take advantage of such fortune and get everything set up. Naruto led the way in through one of the windows, and the living room was empty. Funnily enough, there was a distinct lack of traps, which Laurel found disappointing for an adult ninja. Weren't they supposed to be super paranoid and suspicious? The window was one of the most obvious ways of entry, and apparently one of the more common ninja doorways (data collected from personal experience) and it didn't even have anything to at least indicate if an intruder made it through.

The living room was connected to the kitchen by an open sliding door, and from what she could see of it, the dining table was covered in packing rubbish. The lounge itself has grey carpet and clean white walls, bright in the afternoon light. There were two large windows, both open just enough to let the brisk air in, and four closed doors. One was presumably to a bedroom, another for the bathroom, and the last two would be to the building's staircase and a closet. There was a blue couch set, plain coffee table and TV in the middle of the room, plus a china cabinet and a bookshelf against the wall by the kitchen. A pile of discarded cardboard boxes sat next to the entrance, and Laurel felt suspicion prickle at the nape of her neck.

They froze at a yawn from the bedroom, accompanied by the sound of shifting fabric and footsteps coming towards them. Darting into separate hiding places - Laurel picked on top of the china cabinet, Naruto under the coffee table - they watched with baited breath as what looked like a civilian came out, picked up a bag from the table by the door, and followed Mizuki out the door. The jingling of keys, a brief sigh and muttered curse of ninja dramatics later, and the house was empty.

"Right," the witch spoke in a deceptively mild tone. "Next time, ask about the capabilities of those following you, since some people might not be good enough at hiding to avoid detection. Also, we should have known she was here. That's partly my fault, I'll admit, since I didn't think to check."

"She's his fiance," Naruto explained. "Musta moved in last week. I forgot they'd been talking about it. She's got work though, and he's going for groceries, so it'll be empty for at least another quarter hour."

Laurel gave him an assessing look, "How do you know that?"

"Spying on the staff room instead of doing detention, other pranks I've done before." Naruto smiled as she fluffed his hair approvingly. "He always goes grocery shopping today after work, and she works in a restaurant-bar. They like to talk for a while but I wasn't sure how long, and sometimes he has to stay after at the Academy for paperwork. She used to just pop by the school and walk him home, which is why I thought she wasn't here."

"Fair," She looked around. "Where should we start?"

"Bathroom," he suggested with a shrug. She raised an inquiring eyebrow. "Uh, you said you could change things into frogs, bathrooms have lots of little things. Hairpins, soap, make up. That way it won't be dangerous things to have on the ground like if you used forks or decorations."

"Good thinking. That's exactly what you should be considering with things like this." She paused when Shoukin asked her _how and why_ he thought about it. "What made you think of it?"

"Well... she's a civilian. I don't want her hurting herself because she doesn't deserve it, and even if Mizuki comes back first he might miss something. And anything we use could be hers or his, and there's no reason to break her stuff." His face was earnest, a slight frown indicating his concern, and Laurel considered how caring this boy truly was.

She was a civilian, which meant she was probably one of the many people in Konoha that talked around him, cursed and vilified him for reasons neither of them truly knew. _How has he kept that pure heart after all these years?_ She was in awe of his mental strength, that he hadn't turned bitter in any way, just sad. They didn't really have time for her to contemplate how amazing he was, though.

"Excellent, Naruto!" She hugged him briefly before heading through the door into the bathroom. It was made of white tiles, with a bath-shower and a storage space behind the mirror above the sink. "I'll see if there are any hairpins in here. How 'bout you find out where the frogs are gonna go?"

After rooting through the cupboards, the green-eyed woman found the hairpins, plus some hair ties and spare buttons with which she could make plenty of frogs. "Where are we putting these frogs, squishy?"

The twelve-year-old appeared in front of her just as she reached the doorway, and if she'd been someone else she might have jumped out of her skin. As it was, she faked it anyway out of habit. "How big are the frogs?" He asked solemnly.

Shrugging, Laurel said, "As big as you want, honestly. A frog is normally about this big though," she circled the muscle at the base of her thumb.

The boy considered it, "That should be good. Can you make them different colours?"

"That's half the fun," she smirked. "I'll start making them and you can hide them."

Linked transfiguration was something Fred and George loved to use in pranks for a variety of reasons. First, it was impossible to nail down the real culprit since it was something taught in classes. Second, it meant the house elves were usually a lot more accommodating. Third, Filch was at least 80% less likely to hunt down the culprits, since it was so easy to clean up. As soon as he'd gone on the prowl, the twins reverted the transfiguration and the mess vanished.

The textbook definition was: 'when a transfiguration is linked to another, whether a regular or conjuration, then as soon as one of the linked objects is vanished or reverted, the rest follow suit'. Laurel would have to keep one frog for each kind of object in order to make sure they reverted correctly, but only because she didn't want to change the objects because she didn't own them. Inanimate to animate were always trickier, and reverted sooner, but it wasn't strictly measurable, so to be safe she'd just return them consciously to their normal forms once their purpose was fulfilled.

She transfigured one hairpin-to-frog, and immobilised it before it began hopping around. It was a plain green, with orange stripes, and as long as she imagined each new frog precisely, they would end up with a rainbow of frogs in various patterns. She held it in one hand, wand in the other, and started on the pile of hairpins scattered on the coffee table, Naruto occasionally suggesting colours.

[-]

Owl joined them outside once they were done, looking in askance at the three vividly-coloured frogs in their hands. "It's to undo it later," Laurel explained without actually explaining. The trio made themselves comfortable on the perch, and waited the bare few minutes it took for Mizuki to return.

Mizuki went in through the front door, luckily shutting it behind him, and stepped into the kitchen. He wasn't in their range of view through the windows yet, but the two Uzumaki were suppressing giggles of anticipation anyway. They shook into each other when the clunk of groceries on the bench sounded, and then the door of the fridge opening and the high-pitched shriek set them off properly. Laurel fell over from her crouched position in her silent laughter, and Naruto was forced to shove both hands over his mouth to avoid alerting his teacher to his audience. Even Owl didn't bother holding back a quiet snicker.

Mizuki flailed out of the kitchen in front of the lounge window, a kaleidoscope of amphibians bouncing off everything in sight. The ninja fell against the bathroom, and opened the door, releasing a whole new wave of frogs to spread into the apartment at large.

Things got even more chaotic when these new spotted frogs started rampaging, and the prank was completed when Mizuki finally opened the bedroom door to the last group. These ones were twice the size of normal frogs and covered in random black splotches, like monster versions of some of the most toxic creatures to ever exist.

A couple of the poor creatures got punched into walls, one tiny striped one splatting against the window nearest them, but eventually the white-haired man was forced to abandon his apartment in order to seek help.

Laurel gasped helplessly, trying to contain herself long enough to ask if it was time to get rid of the amphibians yet. The blonde wasn't much better off, having collapsed over the tiles while tears ran down his cheeks, but he eventually collected his wits long enough to nod an affirmation to the faint, "Now?" the witch managed to force out.

She gripped her wand inside her large sleeve, having pulled it off one shoulder enough to hide its existence and the careful pattern she waved it in completely. Hopefully it also disguised it as a form of bastardised one-handed seals for Owl.

The witch returned the buttons first to their normal state, and in front of their eyes the large poison dart frogs vanished in a hushed clatter of wood. Next were the hairpins, and in the span of a blink the striped ones were gone. Lastly, the spotted frogs were returned to their normal hair tie form.

Naruto voted that they returned home to warm up and have some food. He'd hear about the reaction the next day in school, anyway, especially if he snuck inside the staff room again before classes started. It worked out well, since Laurel would be having her first day of work then, and wanted to get there early to figure out what her job actually entailed.

The witch led the way back, having memorised the route and also being the only one incapable of just jumping to the ground level. Sadly, she hadn't trained herself for climbing among the other 'survive and conquer' activities, and by the time she'd finally reached the ground the ginger-haired witch wanted to curse her way into a warm bath. Shoukin reminded her that dinner would still need to be made, so Laurel tried focusing on that instead of the ache in her limbs and the tremble in her fingers, to mild success.

With Naruto's input, she decided on cheesebreads, which were basically toasted sandwiches with one slice of bread instead of two. Luna had been the instigator of these, and it had actually been the main course on one of their dates in the Hogwarts kitchens.

She shared that story with the whiskered boy over dinner, and when he asked for more 'Genie School Adventures', she obliged with Weasley antics, sneaking into common rooms, and classroom disasters.

The witch had actually been planning to do more learning, like with the books she'd finally had a chance to read, or maybe talk him through some more prank ideas. But in the end they just went to bed, ready for the next day to begin.

[-]

Replies:

Guest 16/06: I'm sorry you didn't like it, but Shoukin is going to be a necessary character and Laurel is nowhere near as good at keeping a secret as ninjas are at finding them out. If she doesn't have a plausible excuse they'll quickly figure out something's is up, but now that they have a solution as to why she's not a ninja but is still combat trained (Which is a massive anomaly when her three options are civilian, ninja or samurai and she clearly identifies as none of these) it will make things much easier for her to explain away any magic she might have to use publicly.  
By sharing 'secrets' she's preserving the more dangerous ones. And also her being able to 'be in two places at once' is going to be important later on.  
Shoukin will develop with the rest of the crew, so if you're still confused later, lemme know and I'll add it on my list of things to fix when I rewrite stuff, okay?

Guest (multiple chapters and days, short comments): Luna is alive, but I can see why you thought she wasn't I've edited so it's clearer. I'm glad you like it so far! Your comments made me laugh several times.

Ana: Thank you! Hopefully this chapter has satisfied with more Naruto.

Sammie03: I am so excited for those characters to make an appearance! I picked Tenzou because I literally haven't come across any centred around him and any kind of OC at all, and he's a pretty cool guy. He's probably one of my favourite characters, actually. There are quite a lot of Kakashi fics, which is mostly why I didn't want to. The other part is that I'm not sure I can do the true depth of his issues justice, and I don't like half-assing things.  
I'm still figuring out Akatsuki plans, but there will be some Uzumaki shenanigans coming soon! And yeah, I can tell. It's really great to hear, and Karin is saved. Well, it's still waiting for a little while but I have everything with her sorted and it will be coming later in like... #14? Thank you for the review!


	12. Civilian Absurdities and Rude Ninja

A huge thank you to **AnFan-n-More** for all their help with this chapter! Without their help this chapter definitely would've been toward the worse end of what I'm capable of.

Guest reviews at the bottom.

[-]

12: Civilian Absurdities and Rude Ninja

[-]

Laurel woke up her usual time of absurdly early aching from climbing the day before. She was glad when her muscles warmed up and it no longer felt like she was creaking her way through breathing, courtesy of her wake-up stretches. _Maybe once it's warmer I should do the full routine in a training ground? Shoukin will want to do some more sparring in any case._

She prodded Naruto awake, fed him breakfast, and gave him lunch to take with him but the boy wasn't awake enough for a real conversation. She left him to it, didn't bother with a shower since she hadn't put any runes to fix the heating problem anywhere - she had yet to repair the last couple things around the house. _Actually,_ the witch ducked behind her curtain and pulled out her wand, _Shoukin might want to help out, rather than sleeping the day away._

After casting the spells, the magical construct woke up talking, "We're going to need a new signal so I can tell if it's a combat situation before I get thrown in the deep end. Shinobi are a lot faster than us, at the moment, especially when compared to our usual opponents."

Laurel hummed her agreement, "Yeah, I'll work on the speed thing tonight; I've got some ideas about tattoos but nothing other than the bare bones. And we already have the variations on the sleeping and waking, you know. You want me to use the basic one for general day-to-day and save the other for combat?" She started rooting around her bag for some clean clothes.

"I like not being half asleep at the start, but it's probably for the best." Shoukin combed her hair out of its messy bun, "So, why have you summoned me, master?"

Grinning at her twin, she protested, "Don't you start. We have no idea of the limitations of the lamp, or how close I am to being a real genie." Shoukin shrugged acceptingly, and the witch moved on to her actual purpose. "Would you be okay continuing repairs, rereading the books and trying out some of the techniques, and maybe having a look at the lamp yourself? I'm not sure, but I should be able to figure out a way to get you inside…"

The golem waved her off, "Don't bother with the lamp just yet. You know it'll be more efficient if we're both in there at the same time, and I'm not sure you could find a way in the next half hour to get someone not-of-the-lamp voluntary passage. Priorities, Laurel: remember that you have them."

The older twin sighed, "Fine." She went to start getting dressed, but Shoukin stole the shirt out of hands before she could.

Raising an eyebrow, she tried to steal it back but the garment was moved out of reach. "Nope," the magical construct argued. "Wear something interesting. It's your first day of work, and you can troll people because they have no idea what to expect from you."

"Like what?" Laurel had a bad feeling about this.

"Why not go as a genie?"

"I think I'd rather pretend to be Death."

"Only if you get the proper aura down, otherwise no deal. Come on, it'll be funny," the magical construct wheedled. "Do it for me. And for all the guys who won't be able to look past the shallow side."

"...I cannot believe I'm even considering going along with this."

"Live a little!"

[-]

Waving a cheerful goodbye to Naruto, the witch stepped into the room that would likely ingrain itself on the back of her mind, until she could see at a glance when a single object was out of place. For now, she walked past the lonely desk (drowning in piles of paper, but there was no person associated with the object) and knocked politely on the door to the village leader's space. It swung open a moment later, one of the unknown ANBU on the other side. He flicked his fingers, beckoning her inside briefly before he vanished to wherever it was they hid while watching over their Hokage.

Laurel's lips twitched at the sight of the old man's own desk also covered in piles of paperwork. _At least I won't be suffering alone._ "Hokage?"

"Uzumaki-san."

She snorted at the formal address, "Call me Laurel, if you want. Formalities are beyond me." It was an explanation and excuse in one, a way to make her own lack of them understandable, part of her 'character'.

He inclined his head in agreement, and spoke in his low pebbles-between-rocks voice. "You're earlier than I expected."

"I wasn't sure what time was best," the redhead shrugged. "And it's my first day, so a head start is always useful." She paused briefly, but gave into her humour with a tiny smirk, "Less panicked flailing that way."

"Indeed. Well, for now do as you will, but your official work times are from 9am to 6pm, with a lunch break from 1-2. Any questions can be directed to Badger, they were most recently assigned to the desk and can clarify the requirements and processing. Any truly urgent matters will likely bypass you entirely by coming through a window, so assume anyone trying to gain instant access is exaggerating or unauthorised to do so. Unless an individual falls unconscious any injuries are assumed to be superficial." Here the man stopped long enough to look her over consideringly. "Do you have any medical training?"

"Some, yes." Laurel glanced briefly around the room, her poison-green eyes unseeing. "But I'm not sure how my chakra might affect a ninja, even if I can carry out civilian first aid." What she didn't say - for obvious reasons - was that technically she'd not healed a civilian either.

Laurel's stint as a mediwitch was characterised by mostly healing children or patching together the results of various kinds of magical explosions. Since Laurel was a powerhouse, and had a couple issues with memorising a wide range of very specific spells, they used her mostly on nonverbal force-it-better spells, which was burns. Or cursed wounds, or in the case of most magical explosions, both. The green-eyed witch had chosen to help children herself by spending time at Hogwarts on the weekends.

None of those counted as civilians, just like none of the people in this universe counted as muggles. Chakra was something everything had, and Laurel could tell simply because no one she'd encountered had anything lower than squib levels of foreign energy.

He sighed, "At least you can tell whether someone's dying or fainted. Either way, your main task is to process the various kinds of forms in a way to make them easy for me to go through later. Bring anything time-sensitive in, keep various people out, and don't bother me unless it's important."

"Sure. Which one's Badger? I have a few questions already."

The ANBU followed her out of the Hokage's office, the door shutting behind them silently, in spite of the heavy wood it was made out of.

[-]

Laurel sat at her desk, putting things into piles by type, when two ninja sauntered in the door, and stopped just inside while they gaped at her. She huffed, pushing her glasses back up her nose, and stared back until they came back to their senses. One of them looked like an anthropomorphised-hedgehog, while the other hid half of his face behind a curtain of hair held in place by a bandanna. In the face of their awkward silence, the redhead raised an eyebrow imperiously.

"Right," the walking curtain remembered. "Uh-"

"You're new," the hedgehog interrupted, and swaggered forward to lean on her desk. Laurel held in a growl, and in order to avoid alienating them just yet, arranged her face in a calmly pleased expression under her semi-opaque veil. "I'm Kotetsu, it's a pleasure," the movement shifted the bandage across his nose as he spoke, and Laurel withheld a giggle at the sight. Also, the marking on his chin wasn't actually facial hair, it looked like it was made of ink. Another clan marking? Maybe the bandage was covering a scar like Iruka's?

"I'm sure. Is there a reason for your visit today?" She smiled coyly, trying for an airheaded act while still rebuffing him. The witch would allow herself to drop the act only when Naruto showed up, or when with the Hokage. Otherwise, she was chained to her desk wearing a mask with the only valid reasons for escape being general bodily functions and Naruto, otherwise she'd be tempted to turn everything into paper planes and enchant them into the sun just to get the day over with.

It was Shoukin's idea, but after the golem had explained her logic Laurel had gone along with it. She'd play the absent-minded, ditsy secretary for at least two days - since the second day was always harder than the first - and decided after that whether to phase back to normal or keep up with it. If she did stick with the act, she'd have to get creative with stopping people from interrupting the Hokage or dealing with any difficult people in a way that wouldn't ruin her cover. At least it wouldn't actually be boring, though?

"Nothing important in the face of such inimitable beauty," Hedgehog flirted, making the witch briefly doubt the intelligence of this scheme. She didn't really understand flirting, not the way others seemed to. To her, flirting was more like testing the boundaries of what the person would take as a joke, rather than actually bothering with using it as an indication of sexual attraction or romantic interest. It made it both easier and harder, in that she wasn't interested in conventional flirting and could take anything anyone would dish out, but it also meant Laurel wasn't sure on how far was too far.

She held back a sigh, _this is what I get for listening to Shoukin. Purple is so not something I should have agreed on, let alone the crop top and diaphanous silk attachments. I look like an exotic whore.  
_ On the other hand, no one would ever take her seriously like this, and there was maybe a 30% chance they'd remember her face, because most of them never got higher than her bared collarbones. Apparently in spite of sitting down and being the shortest adult she'd ever met, looking at her boobs was more likely than her face.

"In that case, you don't mind if I continue with this do you?" Laurel frowned as if puzzled, flicking through a few pieces of paper absently. "I have a lot of work to do, and it's not the easiest thing to get my head around."

The walking curtain finally spoke up, "We have the mission desk report for the Hokage, and yesterday at the village gate." He remembered his manners with an abrupt, "I'm Izumo."

"It's a pleasure," the witch giggled but omitted her name, still considering whether she wanted to be publicly associated with this persona. "Leave it somewhere on the desk, I'll get around to it in the next half hour." She internally rolled her eyes over her impending papercut-doom and at the ridiculousness of her mask, letting out a soft sigh of frustration, "Whomever was here before me left a lot of backlog get through."

Badger appeared behind her right shoulder between the fake plant and the desk at her hinting and offered a hand for the frustrating piece she wanted to shred. By that stage he'd figured out she wasn't overly inclined to lighting things on fire - unlike some of the previous desk occupants, considering the burns.

 _Explosions? Sure, any day, anytime. But fire - not so much after the Room of Requirement. I swear, that was one of my top 5 "genuinely nearly killed me", like the basilisk, or Voodletort right at the end there._

She held out the offensive note in the air without looking up, feeling him pull it out of her grip. Laurel shuffled through the layers beneath that one, all of which ended up being various repeats, just dated for every day in the last week.

 **Complaint:**

 **Against:** Maito Gai (and Genin)  
 **Reason:** Destruction of property, physical  
injury, obstruction of livelihood

 **Time/Place:** Hamada Fruit Shop, 10am  
 **Civilian:** Aiko Hamada

They all had the same handwriting, matching what she knew to be Badger's. "Huh?" Laurel turned to pout at the two black vertically-inclined stripes on the ANBU's mask. "What is this and why have they multiplied?"

"Gai and his rival like to have competitions to prove who is the superior and more versatile shinobi." The blonde ANBU spoke, one halting word at a time. Apparently he was playing along with her mask, speaking slowly to make sure Laurel 'understood'. "This week they were at the market and trying to create the ultimate smoothie?"

"How does that result in," she counted them out, " _Six?!_ Wow, six complaints from the same person, from the same fruit shop, in a week. It doesn't usually take a week to make a smoothie, does it?" She twirled part of her ponytail around a finger, trying for a lost expression. _If I met this version of me in the street, I would punch her in the face and be glad for it. I think I might actually be making myself dumber._

Badger shrugged, making his long ponytail slide off his shoulder, "It does if you can only pick the best fruit of the bunch. Gai tested every single one for the proper feel," He lowered the volume of his voice to a near-whisper, "Although those were not the words he used."

"But what about the 'physical injury'?" She finger-quoted.

The ninja stalled, allowing the woman to hear snickering coming from the pair of gate guards that hadn't left yet. "Am I missing something?" Laurel spoke carefully, trying for a good balance between innocent, confused and irritated. Too innocent and they'd pick up on the act, too confused and they'd think she was a complete idiot and unsuited to the job so there was another reason for her being there. Too irritated would alert them to her temper, and give her too much personality.

"The injury was probably more mental than anything else, knowing Gai. His enthusiasm is both off-putting and, well, scarring. If he did his usual genjutsu, then that is probably what the civ' is claiming as the source," curtain-guy gave her an assessing look - though he could be checking her out at the same time, for all she knew - "You must be very new here if you haven't met Gai yet."

"How do you know I haven't?" Laurel bluffed half-heartedly, making it obvious to everyone there. It wasn't information she had, and the witch knew it.

"Because you don't have the right expression of amused horror, and you definitely didn't recognise his name. No one meets him without at least putting a name to the… face." Izumo hesitated on the last word as if wanting to replace it with something different.

"That's okay, I guess. Now, if you don't have any more work for me, I need to concentrate." She sighed forlornly, looking at her desk in an effort to hide her amusement and disguise it as sadness. "I can't go home until all of this-" gesturing to the piles and piles of paper surrounding her, "-is gone. And I would quite like to go home today." It was a complete over-exaggeration, but it counted as a valid reason to ignore people so she was sticking with it.

The witch tuned out the other people in the room, receiving the complaint from Badger before he returned to his hiding place, and mentally wishing the other two away. They did eventually leave, but only after three other people had arrived, and one had reminded them they actually had things that needed doing.

While Laurel was strongly discouraging the newcomers from barging in (one civilian from the merchant council, with 'urgent' news for the 'Hokage's eyes only', one shinobi from T&I with information reports _actually for_ the Hokage's eyes only. And one other shinobi bleeding from a cut on her forehead, waiting for the rest of her team to be released from hospital, here to report something about a 'forest of death'?), she came across even more complaints about Maito Gai, from various civilians at almost every time of day except from 11pm to 3am - _does this guy ever sleep?_

She was forced to physically stop the irate civilian from walking in by breezing over to look at the papers he was holding, affording the man a good view of her cleavage in the process. While he was… distracted, she grabbed them under the pretense of looking at the more closely and sauntered back over to her desk with enough of a swing in her hips to make him forget she wasn't supposed to see them until she was already seated. Without his papers, there was no risk of him going in, so he settled down into one of the two chairs in the room. "I'll just give these a quick check,you don't mind do you?" The witch asked sweetly in a way that encouraged - read: subtly demanded - compliance. The middle-aged man nodded absently, mind stuck running over her body in all likelihood, and she left him to it.

The T&I was satisfied with giving the file to Badger, who would put it on the Hokage's desk, and the third one simply leaned against the wall patiently.

On her desk, she found mission reports (usually several pages) with the original mission parameters and the initial rank on the first, and when the rank changed plus why on the next page. Any extra details might crop up on the third page, like loot collected, estimations of resources used, injuries collected and/or healed.

It made her want to hide inside a wall at the sheer chaos! Surely there was an easier way, and apparently the Hokage had to sign off on all of this?

 _It's like they think the village is a lot smaller and less petty than it actually is. Why not send the loot and resources thing to the accounting section where costs can be totalled? Mission info to mission desk, where they can sign off on the rank change and forward essential details or exceptional circumstances to the Hokage from there? Have a way of dealing with the civilian complaints, maybe someone to inform the ninja in question of what they've been doing, and someone else to tell the civilian when they're being asinine._

In frustration, she decided to make a list of these ideas and other ways to reduce the sheer rubbish present on her desk. First, I'm going to deal with these stupid complaints.

So saying, she made three new piles: one for practicing her wandless magic on with great prejudice at home (civilians complaining about ninja doing their jobs, or being scary, or "spending too much time in the graveyard"?); another for strange complaints (ninja pranks, training accidents, or drunk shinobi sleeping on roofs) that she wasn't sure whether they were valid enough to need dealing with; and lastly for complaints that seemed to actually have substance to them (mostly Gai, someone called Anko terrifying civ's by licking knives and/or people in public, and genin not carrying out missions correctly).

Next up was a pile of requested missions, to be assigned ranks and dispensed from the Mission Desk after approval from the Hokage. She collected the various Konoha-civilian-requested, carefully summoned Badger and asked him about the typically acceptable missions vs 'may actually need approval'. She also requested he do that for the out-of-village requests, since he knew what counted as normal or routine.

Once that was sorted, Laurel looked up to see the amount of injured ninja had multiplied. The woman with the head injury was asleep and bleeding all over the wall, and her comrade who was supporting her standing form had a sling on.

She sighed in aggravation, veil puffing in the rush of air as she contemplated how to handle this without going out of character. The green-eyed woman fluttered over and pulled the brunette's face so she could get a good look at the cut which had finally started scabbing over and checking for proof of what she suspected. "I think she has a concussion," she told the other two who were giving her suspicious looks.

Laurel flicked the woman on the nose, and dodged the sluggish punch as the shinobi returned to consciousness. The witch gave both of them, and the one with a fresh scar running over some very important parts of his neck a panicked look. "I only know civilian methods, so it might be better if you got her checked out at the hospital. I don't want to make things worse, since I'm not a ninja." She flapped her hands uselessly to encourage them to get out before Laurel as a 'civilian' started panicking worse. Trying to calm down an upset civ' had always been one of the worse side effects of Auror work, so she figured ninja would be the same.

Unsurprisingly, they left with a wary look in their eyes. Turning to Badger, she asked, "One, is that normal, two, can I get someone to clean the blood off the wall before it stains?" He nodded, there one moment and then gone the next. Noticing the unfinished pile of mission requests, she cursed lightly and got back to work.

[-]

Badger laughed at the expression of pure horror on her face.

 _Well, now I know what word Izumo wanted to use instead. Personality, maybe even attitude, would be a better substitute for 'face'.  
_ Maito Gai was the kind of irrepressible destruction generally associated with forces of nature, except with more enthusiasm. His poor students were nearly as bad in different ways, but at least they'd grow up to be some kind of formidable on the battlefield with a long streak of 'I've seen worse' to last them out the rest of their lives.

"Why," she hissed at Badger, not actually expecting an answer while Gai and his mini-me argued with Neji about the appropriate expression of self when cleaning a wall. Tenten was actually cleaning the streak of blood, glancing warily at her sensei as the three males argued passionately, and dodging the occasional stray limb. Well, Neji with the creepy-white eyes just used his blank face and monotone voice to shoot the other two down repeatedly, but he was clearly on the losing side and just refused to admit it.

It only got even noisier when a silver-haired ninja with less than a quarter of his face visible stepped through the door. He darted back out immediately when the scene registered, but Gai noticed the movement and stopped it before the newer man escaped, "Greetings, my Eternal Rival! We have yet to complete our Daily Challenge this fine day! What is your Challenge?" The green-clad ninja grabbed the arm of the other before he could retreat properly, and Laurel felt her 'danger' instincts wake up and get ready.

"Maah," He continued reading the bright red book in his hands, ignoring the man currently attached to his limb. "Clearly you're supervising your cute little students, and I wouldn't want to hinder your mission. We can meet up later."

"Nonsense, Kakashi!" Gai insisted, "Tenten has Youthfully completed the Task for us already!" Laurel tore her eyes away from the impending train-wreck to fish out one of her lunch muffins to give to the girl. Clearly she must have been driven insane by these imbeciles, judging by the resigned look on her face, but at the very least suffering didn't have to go unrewarded.

The witch skirted around the two men, and quietly passed the blueberry muffin to the only female Genin, "For your help. Thanks for cleaning," she decided a little female solidarity would go a long way.

Tenten accepted it with a mildly wary look, but bit into it anyway. Her brown eyes widened in amazement, flicking between Laurel's face and the baked good. The witch gave her a softly sympathetic smile, and spun in order to get back to her desk, only to freeze in horror, though she suppressed the emotional tells into a twitch.

She hadn't consciously noticed the lack of sound, but both Kakashi and Gai were watching her with a laser-like focus. _Oh, Merlin._ The sudden halt of her movement made the loose fabric she was wearing swirl and cling to her form, emphasising her curves even further than the outfit did already.

The crop top was a royal purple, with mock sleeves in a transparent lilac, and gold-embroidered laurel leaves along the seams. The pants matched, except they settled low on her hips and reached her ankles before being pulled in tight with elastic. They were double layered, the inner being the same royal purple, with the see-through embroidered silk as outer decoration.  
With her hair like a copper fountain on top of her skull, and her thick-lensed glasses offsetting her vividly-coloured eyes and ghostly skin, Shoukin had said she looked like an object of erotic fantasy rather than an actual human. The veil was literally nothing more than a tease fluttering over the bottom half of her face, halfway between the solid colour of her top and the barely-there of her sleeves.

 _Breathe through it,_ she told herself. _This is a prank. It's definitely half on me, but that means I have to enjoy it even more when it catches other people. Shoukin's revenge pranks are the worst, holy hell._

She repeated the sentiment from earlier in the day, with a bit of a wicked twist. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Laurel curled her lips into an innocent smile, and tucked one thumb inside the top of her pants while shifting her weight onto the leg on the same side. Gai looked marginally stunned, while Kakashi was more along the lines of amused. When neither responded immediately, the redhead let the smile fade, and widened her eyes into the 'confused cuteness' setting, "Hmm?"

The black-haired man jerked slightly and faster than the witch could comprehend, he was kneeling at her feet, "Sweet Flower, will you do me the Honour of going on a Date with me?"

She laughed, a carefully cultivated chime of amusement. "Sorry, I'm not available. That's sweet of you though. I meant anything work-related." Even kneeling in front of her, he was eye-level with her chin and if she hadn't been playing a part, she would have ducked away from his powerful gaze. His hair somehow shone like he was under a stage spotlight, or as if it was made of liquid ink and only temporarily contained in its current form.

Laurel averted her eyes, choosing to look for Badger in the hopes of an easy escape and while she was 'distracted' Gai returned to his place next to Kakashi. When no ANBU ninja presented themselves, she returned to observing them, and had to repress the urge to laugh at the way they were standing. Kakashi had been forced up against Gai's side by an arm around his shoulders, clearly unwillingly by the way he was leaning as far away as he could and had all-but-buried his face in the book.  
Strangely, even though Gai was technically taller, the light-haired shinobi looked taller because of the way his hair stood up, like he'd been electrocuted and then given a half-assed attempt to fix it. Added to the difference in body types, the masked one being built for speed, while the other more for strength, and Kakashi's blank face made him look like a ghost forcibly tethered to the mortal plane.

"You have yet to pick a Challenge!" the green ninja exclaimed, shaking his rival with the grip on his shoulders.

The other looked around the room consideringly, and the witch knew this was what she'd been unconsciously dreading. Laurel moved to hide behind the solid oak of her desk. "Hmm… how about the first to find the other's name in the paperwork?"

 _Oh no, really?_ She didn't stop, but instead sat on top of the desk, and therefore the paperwork to prevent them ruining all of her progress. She beamed like an angel from heaven, "I'm sorry, but Hokage-sama demanded I keep his paperwork in order, and you wouldn't want to get me in trouble with him, would you? I've been working on this _all day_ ," she pouted like a sulky child with her crossed arms and swinging feet, looking from one to the other.

 _I know that voice,_ Laurel thought, finally tweaking on the right circumstances to jog her memory. _This is Dog. The malicious humour gave it away._ Well, so did his voice, but he'd been giving a decent attempt to disguising it, speaking carefully with an added drawl. He couldn't change the pitch, since his laugh was the deep foreboding kind, and his normal voice had been remarkably less so in the Hokage's office. The witch vaguely recalled thinking his hair was a light colour in her house, though it'd been black whenever she'd looked directly at him. _Some kind of illusion, probably. That explains his amusement, though._  
She wanted to punch him.

The silver-haired menace just pulled his book from his face and escaped Gai's hold on him. "Ready? On one."

Gai seemed hesitant to ruin her 'hard work', her words tweaking at his sense of honour, and grabbed his rival around his bicep, "I do not think that is an appropriate Challenge. Ruining another's Youthful Endeavour seems most cruel." And so Laurel's paperwork was saved. If they hadn't complied, the witch had been prepared to use her fourth wandless spell **depulso** \- the banishment charm, opposite to **accio** \- to push them back.

Kakashi let the green-clad ninja drag him out, the three genin following like ducklings, Tenten looking contemplative, Lee looking enthusiastic and Neji looking like a human-shaped iceblock - stick up his ass and all.

Laurel sighed in relief as she returned to her proper seat, _crisis averted. Thank Merlin!_

[-]

"Nee-chan!" Laurel looked up to see her favourite person smiling at her from the doorway, and couldn't stop the mirror of it lighting up her own face. She beckoned him over, and he pulled Iruka in with him. "Nee-chan, this is Iruka-sensei, he's the best teacher at the Academy." Since it was her charge introducing him, the act would have to be abandoned. She slumped slightly in relieved resignation.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Laurel." The witch held out a hand for him to shake, and was disappointed to realise that this was another person who towered over her. At a guess, he was closer to Cat's height than that of Gai, but it was still more than 15 centimeters' taller than herself. _What do they feed these guys? Is this gonna be Naruto later on in life?_ "What do you teach at the Academy?"

"Ninjutsu, mostly. But I run the yearly trapping and explosive tags workshop."

She blinked, and her smile returned a little more gleefully than before, "Does that mean you could tell me more about fuuinjutsu and the correct use of explosive tags?" At the wary look on his face, the witch knew she needed to clarify, "I'm helping Naruto study for the exam. At best I can tell him what not to do, actual experience would be helpful. I'm not a shinobi, even if I have had combat training, so ninjutsu and genjutsu are out of my reach entirely. The others not so much, but it's a work in progress."

Naruto was poking at the stacks of paper curiously, and Laurel grabbed his hand so she could twine her fingers with his (also keeping him from ruining her hard work). "What's all this, Laurel-nee?"

"Work," she said dryly. "I've spent all day going through the reports and stuff from the past week, and I'm _nearly_ all caught up. I had two assholes in here earlier who tried to ruin everything, but I managed to divert them before damage was done."

The blonde looked up at her with wide eyes, "What happened?"

"Well, around lunchtime I had a jounin named Gai in here cleaning up some blood on the wall-" She saw Iruka suppress a grin, and Naruto seemed to know who she was talking about while he interrupted her.

"Why was there blood on the wall?"

"A shinobi had been leaning against it, with a cut on her head and a concussion, and she fell asleep. It's a very stupid thing to fall asleep with a concussion, because depending on how bad it is, it can lead to brain damage and memory loss or worse." Laurel waved a finger in front of the boy's nose. "Don't do it, okay? If you're going to die, at least make it for a good reason and not an easily-fixed injury, deal?"

"Deal! What happened next?"

The redhead smiled fondly at her charge, "So Gai and his students were in here cleaning up the blood, when Gai's 'Eternal Rival' came in. Of course Gai saw him, and they decided to do a challenge. It was Kakashi's - that's the rival, by the way - turn to choose what they were doing, and he picked going through my paperwork to see who could find the other person's name first." She shook her head in wonder, "Why they thought I'd just let them, I have no idea. But anyway, I convinced Gai it would be really rude to ruin my hard work, and so he dragged Kakashi out with him! It was great."

The teacher seemed to be having trouble processing that, "I'm sorry, did you just say you convinced Gai?"

"Yes," she nodded, hair falling in front of her face. She pushed it back with a huff and dropped back into her chair, pulling Naruto into her lap. "Technically I said the Hokage wanted me to finish it and that's I'd been working on it all day, then implied I'd get in trouble if it wasn't done, but it's basically the same thing."

"You must be related to Naruto," Iruka said. When he smiled it crinkled the corners of his eyes up, somehow making the dark brown look lighter against his tanned skin. "Is that-" he pointed to the outfit, "-some kind of prank?"

"I couldn't say, on the grounds that I might incriminate myself." She evaded the question in a way that made the answer obvious. "What makes you say we're related? We don't exactly look alike."

"First clue is the smile you get when pranking someone, second is the use of surprise to succeed. Third is the way you treat him."

"I _am_ his only family, and that's only through a technicality. If I prove untrustworthy, the Hokage won't hesitate to take him away from me. He needs more love in his life." So saying, she cuddled the blonde closer, whispering in his ear, "Should we invite Iruka for dinner?" Naruto nodded vigorously, and Iruka hid a smile. "Why don't you ask him then?" Laurel gave him a nudge, and he scramble off her lap over to where the teacher was leaning against the wall.

"Iruka-sensei, wanna come have dinner with us?" The boy used a pleading look to great success, cheering when his teacher accepted.

"Don't worry, it's not ramen," she teased. _Knowing Naruto it's the only thing they've ever eaten together._

Iruka wiped a hand across his forehead, "Phew! By this stage, I probably have ramen coming out of my ears."

"Ramen is the best thing ever!" The blonde boy pouted between them, looking from one smiling adult to the other. Huffing, he crossed his arms and turned away. The witch rolled her eyes and got up carefully, waiting until he was peeking in the opposite direction at the man before she pounced.

"No! S-st-" he broke down in loud giggles as she tickled him, poking his sides just hard enough for him to feel it through the jumpsuit. "Nee-chan! St-stop," he whined helplessly and tried to wriggle out of her grasp. She let him, glancing briefly at the brunette against the wall to see him looking nostalgic and fond.

"Okay, is it past 6pm yet?"

Badger popped up out of nowhere to tell her to go home. "You've been here since 8 and working basically non-stop. Leave."

Shrugging, she said, "I'll take it," and Naruto led them home.

[-]

Dinner was slightly more chaotic than usual with Naruto bouncing between helping her cook and chattering with his teacher, but it worked out in the end. They had decided on Teriyaki chicken and rice, with Iruka nicely helping her with salad.

"So what is it that you do, exactly?" He asked over the tomatoes.

"I supposedly stop people from barging in on the Hokage whenever they feel like it, but after the day I just had that is only maybe 10% of what I actually do." The pan hissed at her when she put the meat on, and she resisted the urge to hiss back - _there are witnesses. No avoidable weirdness, that's the rule with guests._ He hummed an inquiry, and she obliged. "I'm the paperwork filter. I'm hoping tomorrow to talk to Izumo and Kotetsu about the pile of mission requests I have, and I need to send maybe one fifth of what I got through the Hokage first. I have no idea why he has to sign off on the routine courier missions, or even most of the in-village D-ranks. As long as they have jounin supervision none of it should be a problem, and that is literally the requirement for D-ranks."

She paused to turn the chicken over, taking the opportunity to see if he was still listening. His dark brown eyes were soft and warm, and if she'd been anyone else she might have blushed under his focus. Laurel cleared her throat self-consciously, "Are you alright if I continue ranting at you?"

"Go ahead; I can always use more friends." He adopted a wry look. "I'm sure if we don't do it voluntarily Naruto will glue us together or something equally drastic."

She had to laugh at the droll tone, "That sounds very likely. I'd love a friend, especially since I haven't made any yet aside from my ANBU guard, and he doesn't talk much." Laurel breathed in deep, the scent of cooking food sinking in, and exhaled her stress. "So, with the paperwork there were these complaints from civilians, and you would not believe what kind of absurdity I saw today…"

[-]

Guest replies:

Raven: It's gonna be a Tenzou/Laurel, I think. Kakashi and Laurel just don't get along well, and I don't see that changing soon. Luna/Laurel is past tense only, even if they're in the same universe Luna can't be around Laurel anymore because of the Malfoy Manor thing, and I've tried to make that as clear as I can without, you know, breaking the fourth wall. Laurel doesn't like thinking about it for obvious reasons. The romance will probably be a bit of side thing though, I've been using it to keep the story light.

lifeisbooks342: I'm really glad you like it. I have more chapters in reserve than you guys do, so even if I stop writing for a bit there's still going to be updates and hopefully I can catch up before there are any super large breaks.


	13. In the Pursuit of Knowledge

Big thank you to AnFan-n-More for all of their hard work! You can blame them for the first two scenes and general coherency. The last scene is because of a conversation with a reviewer on AO3, AllexisMarie. Guest replies at the bottom.

[-]

13: In the Pursuit of Knowledge

[-]

Tenzou and Yuugao stood inside the Hokage's office after Laurel had gone home with Naruto and Iruka, sharing their collated information. With them were the other members formerly in Kakashi's ANBU squad, including Badger, Ox, Crane, Mouse (Kenji Yamanaka, Genma Shiranui, Raidou Namiashi and Sachiko Sarutobi respectively) and Kakashi himself.

"Report, Kakashi." The Hokage settled deeper into his chair, enjoying the fresh cup of tea on his desk.

"Preliminary investigation of the subject Gekkeiju Uzumaki indicate that she is in fact here for what she claims she is. She has what appears to be civilian Uzumaki chakra levels, though the natural cycle of her chakra is slower and more contained than any individual at rest that I've scanned with the Sharingan to date. She leaks no chakra, no matter what emotional state she might be in."

Kakashi flicked his grey eyes over towards Tenzou, and the brunette figured it was his turn. He'd let the masked shinobi keep his secrets and observations, since bothering him would only make him more obstinate. Kakashi would tell everyone when he needed to or it became fact, and not before.

"Information gathered from the target indicates combat training, but not shinobi training. Laurel has demonstrated knowledge of two distinct fighting styles to date, in which she is about low-chuunin level skill and high-chuunin level tactics, but low-genin in speed."  
Tenzou resisted the urge to glance at his shishou, "She has a kekkei genkai comparable to a shadow clone in conjunction with the Kurama 'second self'. This construct is physical in all ways, with a functioning chakra system and separate elemental affinity from the host. According to Laurel, this 'twin' is supposed to be a combat self, though both are equally talented in her personal opinion - I have not been able to validate this. Overall combat ability is estimated at mid-chuunin, due to a lack of intel on her jutsu and kekkei genkai abilities and limits. The 'twin' self is physically identical in all ways to Laurel herself, and Kakashi has possibly conversed with the copy for an extended period. Due to no knowledge on Laurel's possible location at this time, it is unconfirmed."

He passed the torch to Yuugao, who suppressed her personal reaction to the information she was about to share. Hopefully Kenji could confirm in some way or another what was actually going on. "To my chakra senses, Laurel is an anomaly. She uses her chakra unlike any being I have sensed before. To be perfectly honest, Hokage-sama, she uses her chakra like it's not actually attached to her body or her coils. She has claimed to use focus words in lieu of hand-signs. She moulds it internally in a ball before expelling out her right arm, and neither Tenzou nor myself recognise these as any kind of proper language.  
"On the other hand, sometimes she is capable of combining a hand twitch or arm movement with extreme focus to create impossible things. I saw her change hairpins into live frogs, and freeze them in place with only a glare!" Tenzou sent her a look, reminding her to calm down, and the boysenberry-haired kunoichi paused briefly to centre herself.  
"In conjunction, she appears to be hiding some sort of weapon that assists her in this… reality breaking. I haven't been able to confirm what it is or looks like, but it is some form of long thin object that she keeps attached to her right arm." She crossed her arms defensively, and physically stepped back to indicate to Kenji that it was his turn.

"Right," the Yamanaka sighed. "Laurel is an intelligent, tactically-focused woman. She's used to leadership, hates paperwork and wasting time, and is deeply curious about things she doesn't understand. She's been digging into Konoha's history with a focus I've never seen outside of desperation. Past of abuse, enough to physically stunt her growth and ingrain a deep hatred of prejudice and idiocy. She's passed the Gai test, so doesn't seem to have any hidden character traits that set him off at all, completely aside from her excellent lying skills. Laurel is capable of using a mask and acting within it for extended periods of time, demonstrated by her work hours. She discards it in the presence of Naruto, or when she'd no longer on duty and seems well-aware of our monitoring of her movements. She's got a well-developed sense of humour, high tolerance of strange or unknown things, and according to my own sensing abilities, has unusually controlled chakra cycles.  
"On top of this, her chakra cycles are actually out of sync with her heartbeat and breathing rhythms, and yet she's somehow still alive, and completely unbothered by this state of being. I scared her a couple times to see if it would jump back into a correct rhythm, but every time it would resettle into a counterpoint." He ignored the way the various chakra signatures in the room flared slightly in shock.

Even Tenzou suppressed a shudder at the death that usually resulted in. There were some hospital cases where the chakra system being out of sync forced the cardiac and respiratory rhythm off so bad the patient died. In most cases, a shock to one of the systems would reset it, but if it went uncorrected, the chakra system tended to implode, which could result in chakra burns, deadly chakra deprivation, and in some of the worst cases, a literal explosion. Other times the heart exploded from the pressure or gave out from over-exertion. If it occurred frequently enough to cause hyperventilation, it could result in brain damage from a lack of oxygen and correct blood flow.

Kenji continued, "She seems to care deeply about the Jinchuuriki, and goes out of her way to make him happy," the blonde-haired man shrugged, "The rest you already know."

The Hokage hummed in thought, sorting through the new information. "Have we confirmed this is her first time in Konoha, especially in relation to how she spoke of the Will of Fire?"

Sachiko answered her uncle, "Yes. No reports have been found linking anyone with the same personality profile or physical characteristics entering the village. Tenzou said she wasn't capable of normal jutsu, and Kakashi confirmed she had no experience with henge until the Jinchuuriki explained it, and I witnessed the initial explanation the first morning in the apartment. If she came inside disguised, she did it physically."

"How long will it take to get basic confirmation of her story?"

"Another two weeks, likely. Unless someone can get ahold of Jiraiya before then, we're expecting intel from one of our long-term undercover agents in a merchant convoy from Kusa," Genma finally spoke up.

If Kakashi hadn't returned to take up leadership of the squad temporarily, Genma probably would've been giving the collated reports by himself, rather than the Hokage dragging in the entire squad. But since they were now assigned to a 24/7 watch on this combat-capable Uzumaki civilian, this meeting was also doubling as the catch-up session for Raidou, Genma and Sachiko, all of whom had been busy with other missions.

ANBU squads were formed so each member had the opportunity to continue with public missions, to avoid conspicuous absences. They might be Black Ops, which meant reasonably busy, but that didn't mean they had to make it obvious to every Konoha citizen and their pet who was possibly part of the organisation. Most missions required a group of four, so the other two were on leave to be real people, but for those like Tenzou it was less of an issue. The wood-user thought maybe twenty people knew he existed in the whole of the village, and he liked it that way.

The squads of six also helped with splitting working hours healthily, since most of their missions in-village were guard details or patrols and getting 16 hours off duty and working with a partner was better than having a full day off and working 8 alone, or switching out every 8 hours in pairs.

Of course, when the village was on high alert was always pair work and by the end of it every single ANBU member was worn down to the bone, but they'd survive it. They were trained to be deadly even at their worst, even when running on no sleep, chakra-deprived, weaponless and without a plan. Under Kakashi's training, each of them had reached that stage and gone further: they were able to keep everyone alive from such a state, rather than just complete the mission.

"Genma, organise the next series of shifts. Kakashi, I want you tracking down any traces of this woman before she came to Konoha. You'll get the full mission brief tomorrow morning, but I want you packed for a two-month trip with two fast chuunin to go with you. If nothing else, search for the Uzumaki she mentioned and see what they have to say about her. It can pass for an initial clan assessment, if you need to. I want you back in time for Graduation." The village leader paused thoughtfully, "If you're late I'm going to put out an A rank for someone to destroy your Icha Icha, and take the pay for it out of your pocket."

The ninja in question scoffed, "There's no need for threats, Hokage-sama. At least this mission is interesting."

"That's exactly why I'm threatening you," the Hokage said dryly. "Otherwise I run the risk of you being too 'interested' to come back in time. If I don't get your initial report the week before the graduation exam, I'm requesting the A rank." He warned, and Kakashi darted out the window when he was finished.

Tenzou turned to his squadmates, and they started co-ordinating shift times. As soon as it was decided that Sachiko was starting on the hour, and Tenzou was free for the next day at least, he was released to catch up on sleep. If he was lucky, Kakashi would actually be packing in his own apartment, rather than waiting to bother him.

[-]

"Am I doing the right thing?" Hiruzen was speaking to the pictures of his predecessors when Kakashi snuck in through the ANBU vents the next morning.

He was actually early, but that was only because the Hokage hadn't technically specified a time and most people were barely awake to see him going somewhere before 10. _It's important to make sure everyone has the right expectations,_ he mused to himself, waving briefly at Boar, who was on guard duty at that moment and in the vent horizontally perpendicular.

"I've done what I can to protect him from people after the two bloodlines by not telling him about the fact they exist. Naruto survives because Konoha wouldn't treat the son of one of it's leaders they way they do, and Uzumaki is plausibly honourary and he looks nothing like one of them." He gave a deep sigh, returning to his desk as he continued talking to himself.

It wasn't a new thing for the watching ANBU; sometimes Hiruzen needed to say something aloud for it to settle properly in his mind. They did what they could to help, using silencing seals to protect the sound from going anywhere outside of the room, the vents being the only exception.

"If only Jiraiya could stay in Konoha for more than a week at a time, or that law hadn't passed. Forbidding those who knew Minato and Kushina from initiating contact with the boy… That situation could have been handled better. The adoption laws were another step too far, not that many would offer after the S-rank secret was made essentially obsolete." The aged man pulled his pipe from the drawers, and moments later puffed at it in a way that was probably supposed to be soothing. "...Never did track down the traitor responsible for writing those 'notices' and leaving them for anyone of reading age to find and comprehend…"

Kakashi left him to his muttering, and returned to his apartment so he could while away the time until he could ambush the two chuunin he'd picked for this mission. _Shame Iruka's too busy with the kids these days to play tag,_ the silver-haired ninja felt a brief twitch of amusement at the memories. _He got so offended for the littlest things. Excellent for team morale and stealth practice. Iruka might not be very good at sneaking, but he is fantastic at finding people out of place. Easiest way to train stealth into rookies, and entertaining to boot._

 _Considering how Iruka's the only person Naruto allows to catch him after pranks…  
Well, it's not so much of a surprise Iruka's too busy as most people think._

[-]

"You need to change this curve here," Iruka directed, pointing at part of the seal that flicked out to the right. "Make it smoother and in line with the body of it. If you used this one, it'd explode basically as soon as you dropped it. That's the time delay." Both Laurel and Naruto tried again, flicking through the calligraphy and presenting a new explosive seal for perusal.

When the brunette verbalised his approval, Laurel decided it was time to ask about more practical-use seals. "How do you make a flash-bang? And is there a way to extend the time delay by say, 5 seconds?"

Iruka gave her a wary look, now familiar with exactly how easy it was for her to make people's lives miserable with minor skills since Naruto's pranks had stepped up a level in effectiveness. The blonde perked up, "Hey, does that mean we can do another prank tomorrow?"

"Sweetheart, explosive tags and flash-bangs are useful enough for at least three separate pranks that I can think of off the top of my head. Another five on top of that, if we can make duds that register as dangerous. Faking someone out is just as fun as exploding them, I promise," she grinned wickedly.

"I'm starting to regret agreeing to this," The instructor admitted as he listened to them about to start scheming again. He'd been over often enough to hear assorted planning sessions, and hear about the aftermath from the rumour mill.

"Too late!" Naruto chimed, "You can't go back on a promise, Iruka-sensei, or I'm allowed to prank you again."

"I'm so glad we agreed that our promises were equally binding, aren't you Iruka? This way that creativity is directed away from us." Laurel smirked at him, knowing he'd only agreed to that under pressure. "So, how do we draw these?"

"I only know through experience, honestly. Bad copies of explosive tags."

Laurel was suddenly very interested in this story, "What happened?" She corrected herself before he could answer, "Why were you making your own?"

The shinobi's cheek pinkened, "Uh, it's nothing." _He's totally lying._ The witch exchanged a conspiratorial look with Naruto, and then turned to the man to tell him so very bluntly. He blushed even darker.

She gave it some thought, and if what she guessed was true, there was a way to manipulate him into sharing whatever embarrassing story it was that he was hiding. "Say, this doesn't happen to demonstrate the dangers of seal experimentation for our young adventurous child, does it?" He didn't answer but Laurel saw the suspicion that he'd dismissed in his initial embarrassment return. "I'm just saying because we all know how patient Naruto is, especially with super interesting techniques. Explosions definitely count. And stories are the only true way to make him understand consequences that I've found so far. He does better with a practical example." She debated internally on whether Iruka needed the last push or not. _Eh, why not? There's no way he doesn't know what I'm doing. That's basically permission: with shinobi and Slytherins both._ "I'm sure we wouldn't want him practicing in the classroom, right?"

His face defaulted into a blank mask that probably hid horror in some form or another, maybe including some frustration or anger. Laurel choked back her laugh, pursing her lips in a way that did nothing to hide her blooming smile. She tilted her head just enough for Iruka to miss the wink she sent to Naruto, and he grinned in delight back at her.

She'd already taught him about blackmail, using pranks and photo evidence to get some civilians to back off a bit. The librarian had had the best reaction, turning nearly as purple as Vernon got when Laurel was at her most-obnoxious. She'd laughed herself breathless at that.

She saw a sniggering Shoukin leading Cat out the front door, and waved at the pair absently.

"Fine," he rolled his eyes, and sat in the third chair Laurel had acquired for the table. She had yet to get a couch since she couldn't magic one up indefinitely, but it was a work in progress. "First thing you need to know is that my father was one of the Konoha sealers, and supplied explosive tags. There used to be about three of them I think, and a couple others for storage seals and other things. He had an office for sealing, and the door was usually locked, but I got to go in there a couple times. He was teaching me how to make my own, and had to leave when someone came to the door. Mum was out on a mission at the time, so no one was watching me. Now, he'd had me doing calligraphy for a while to make sure I didn't screw it up, but I was impatient, and stole a couple completed tags from Dad's desk. Before anyone could do anything, I'd rushed through about five seals, and ran to the door to show him."

Iruka paused in his story, considering something while side-eyeing Laurel. She raised a brow at him, "What?"

"I'm not sure if you know this, since I don't really know if it works the same for you with your weird chakra, but when people get emotional, they tend to leak chakra. That's part of why shinobi are supposed to stay detached on missions, and also part of how Killing Intent works."  
The redhead nodded in understanding, and Iruka continued with his story. "Anyway, so I was really excited, and therefore leaking chakra, which ignited my seals. Now, with most seals, if you do them wrong, they explode. That's why there aren't a lot of self-taught sealing masters. Explosive tags are made to explode, which is one of the reasons why it's hard to tell if they're done correctly. Because my tags were messy, I think I had about… maybe a seconds' delay on them? Most tags are between two and ten if they're not actual triggered ones. Luckily for everyone, the ninja at the door was a sensor, and a seal-master herself, so she knew what was happening basically straight away, and shunshinned all three of us away. I blew up the front hallway, most of the kitchen and half of the lounge, and it would've included myself and my father if it hadn't been for her."

"Impressive," she hummed, tapping a finger on the table in thought. "How'd you know which part did what if they all blew up?"

He explained, "We went over it later, after fixing the house." Iruka smiled wryly, "I don't think my mother was ever as mad at us as she was that day."

 _Actually, while I have Iruka trapped here I should see what I can do about school issues beyond the Naruto-specific sabotage._ "I've been wondering, but is there a reason ANBU are the only actually sneaky ninja? As you walk around the village, every other ninja is basically exclaiming to the world 'here I am, come get me', what's with that?"

The instructor rubbed a thumb over his lips while he considered the question, "It's a power thing, I think. Like it doesn't matter how obnoxious the ninja is, because they can beat every enemy that sees them anyway."

"Well, that's stupid." She placed the calligraphy brush back on the table, and showed him her latest attempt at a basic explosive tag. The witch wanted to be able to make these perfectly, no matter how much focus she could give the task, so that meant practice. "It's a lot more effective to be underestimated constantly. The less your enemies know, the more power you have over them. I mean, sure, word will eventually get around, but most people still can't help taking what information they process themselves more seriously. If there's a rumour that a little blind girl is actually strong enough to break a mountain no matter what she looks like, the first thought is going to be something like 'it must be some other girl'. Whether you face her in battle or not, unless you see her in action, you're going to believe your eyes over your ears because she looks like a porcelain doll."

Naruto nodded along to her explanation, which was mostly for his benefit. She'd gotten into the habit of using stories to help him understand whatever it was she was talking about, rather than the vague overarching theory.

"That's true," Iruka agreed, but his face twisted up slightly, "But also it helps differentiate us from civilians."

 _Now that's an interesting argument. What's so bad about being seen as a civilian?_ "Why do you need to?"

The chuunin picked up her brush and flicked it over an A4 piece of paper. He always did the new seals big at first, so they could see what it looked like as a whole and as components in one fell swoop. "So that if other shinobi attack, they go for us first."

 **Flashes of green light, firelight spilling over fallen bodies, shop windows exploding under spell fire. A masked figure hiding, darting out, waving flashes of forest green and sunshine yellow at screaming children-  
Muggle cars flipping under the influence of curses, beeping horns and red fleshy… bits scattered over the street-**

She broke out of the horror with a practiced exhale, "That only works as long as they want it to."

Iruka shrugged, resigned, "There's nothing else we can do. There's no way we can train everyone who lives in this village, and the only other option is to make clear who the threats are. We are the people standing between our village and the ones who want us dead, and no matter what we do, people are going to be killed. We're just lucky there've been 12 years of relative peace, and 13 without war. Aside from a couple brief patches, anyway."

Laurel shook her head, "What a way to live." She shook her head again in sad acceptance, and it transformed into a full-body shudder. Iruka's hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her head, but the woman flinched away before she could suppress it.

"Bad memories?" He asked, kind and warm, just like Fred had been after the battle when he offered his and George's place so Laurel wouldn't have to be alone.

A grimace turned the edges of her mouth as she hummed neutrally, ignoring the heartbreak of knowing she wouldn't be seeing any of the people she'd died for for a long time. She shoved it down, down under the sand of her mindscape desert and into the sandstone arena for her to focus and deal with later.

"Just too many, I think." The green-eyed woman gathered her thoughts, "I guess the real question is, can you hide as a civilian if you need to?"

"Of course!"

She narrowed her eyes at him, shifting in her seat. Naruto had disappeared off to make cup ramen at some point during her minor mental breakdown. "Could you do it without a henge?"

Here he hesitated, "Maybe?"

"Naruto, do you know anyone in your class who could pretend to be a civilian convincingly?" The witch didn't move her focus from the teacher, but knew the boy had been listening the whole time. The blonde was perceptive enough to know about her nightmares without her outright telling him, so she wasn't afraid he'd be scared off by the intense conversation with his instructor.

"I think only Ino from the clan kids could, and that would only last… hmmm, about a day. Otherwise, only the civilian-born ones." His reply came out slightly muffled from behind his ramen, and the witch couldn't hold back the roll of her eyes.

"You're not supposed to talk with your mouth full, squishy," she chose not to mention that he was only allowed a maximum of one serving of ramen a day, since it was his first and he'd held off until lunch. "And that's not even giving them a specific kind of civilian to play, like a merchant, or a noble, or an orphan, or a shopkeeper. I could go on. There's something wrong if students of a ninja school can't pretend not to be ninja."

Laurel allowed the silence to ring out for a while, collecting her focus again. Iruka just watched her across the seal-covered table patiently.

"You said that ninja are easily differentiated from civilians so enemies go after the ninja first, right? Then why can't your students, children who barely know one end of a kunai from the other, hide to protect themselves? And while they're in disguise they could easily help protect the noncombatants, which only helps reduce loss of life in emergencies. If they don't know a civilian life well enough to pretend to be one, how are they supposed to understand the people they protect? What about all those people walking the streets rather than the rooftops?"

Naruto broke in, "Why does understanding matter so much, Nee-chan? You make it sound just as important as protecting them."

Frowning, the witch tried to shape the words so it would actually sink in and stick. "It's easier to protect something if you understand it. You know the value of your protection, and how to stop them from putting themselves in danger. Another perspective on life is almost always some kind of advantage, and personally, I'm not sure most shinobi truly understand or respect the role of civilians in the daily life of Konoha. A variety of skills is the most useful skill of all. Adaptability is important."

"You're serious about this," Iruka frowned. His fingers traced what looked like seals onto the surface of the wood and she let herself focus on that briefly, always interested in ninja habits and quirks. Iruka was her second favourite one to study: Cat was still the most amusing, especially since he was supposed to be anonymous. She'd get it out of him one of these days.

"Deadly," she confirmed. Laurel knew how important the ability to escape could be, and hiding effectively was a huge part of that. _The Running Year could have gone a lot worse if I hadn't already been so good at surviving on my own, and knowing when to keep my head down. Shame I was too busy being angry in 5th year for that to work then._ "Because one day, it could be. They need to know when to fight, and when to hide. When it's better to bluff, and when it's safer to call for help. We can't always be there to protect the ones we love, Iruka, and that means they have to be able to do it themselves."  
She shrugged again, hands palm-up on the table. "We've both seen war, and what it does to people. Just because I can and have fought for my life doesn't mean I like it, and if I had the choice I'd pull Naruto from the Academy and teach him to live happily. But I won't. Not because I can't, but because it is _his_ choice to fight for what he loves, and I will not take that from him. That means I need him to be able to stand on his own feet and survive whatever comes his way, because I need him to come back.  
"None of them know what they're in for, not really. I've been listening at the Academy during lunch break, and they think it's a game. They think it brings honour. They think flashy moves are best, even over fast and effective. Even if I don't have enough time to knock it into all of their heads before Naruto's year graduates, I will be damned if I let the rest of those kids go out into the world expecting fair play and honour from enemies who want them _dead_. I have seen enough dead children for a lifetime."

To her relief Iruka stopped to listen to what she was saying, and chose to _think_.

[-]

Later, once everyone was asleep and the twins were working on some physical and mental speed runes (imagine how useless it would be to move as fast as a ninja and not be able to react in time. Ouch) Laurel brought up their latest quandary. "It's going to take at least half a year to decipher the lamp, isn't it."

Shoukin finished off the rune she was up to, pressing slightly harder into Laurel's side, "We've got time, y'know." At the witch's bland look, she added, "Yeah, about 8 months if we're being honest. There's just too much to go over, and we've got other things to do than just translate rune lattices. You don't want to leave Naruto to fend for himself do you?"

"Not at all," Laurel whispered, "He'll either get killed, or kill himself trying to get better. You can't do everything on your own."

"We're here. We've already gotten Iruka involved, and Cat's agreed to help with the things we can't do. There's still time."

The older woman dropped the pencil in favour of digging her hands into her hair, frustration and sadness warring for dominance. "There's just so much to do! I know you've read the textbooks, and you're just as good at noticing when something's wrong as I am. Where's all the history? Where is the information on other countries and their cultures and how to blend in? Where is the history about the Uzumaki, about the founding clans of Konoha? Why are there empty gaps from 12 years ago, and the end of the Second War? What happened four years ago when the Uchiha were somehow all killed in one night by one boy, leaving his brother as the only known survivor? _How is that even possible in a ninja village with long term missions?_ "

She bent over her crossed legs to press her forehead against the cool floor of the inside of the lamp, nearly tearing her hair out of its tail when she slammed her fists against the metal. "What is _wrong_ with this village?" Laurel looked up at her sister, her other half, with tears misting in her eyes, "This is like looking into the Ministry after Voodletort's second go and seeing the mess he and his stupid bumble-munchers made of everything!"

"Shh, it's okay," Shoukin rubbed her back, running her palm down her spine and then back up to grip the back of her neck firmly. "We can deal with this. We can make it better." She drew the witch into a hug, "I won't leave you to do this alone."

Laurel cried herself into exhaustion in the golem's lap, strung out from a week of work and useless paperwork, and asshole ninjas making her life so much harder than it had to be.

[-]

"You have a lot of scars," Cat observed while she was sitting under a tree in the training ground. The ANBU was leaning against the trunk and peering down at the vague scribbles in her book, having gone over Naruto's katas and pointed out a plethora of mistakes at first. Now the blonde was going through the moves as carefully as he could while the man watched and called out to start over when he made a mistake.  
The improvement was slow, but the witch could see it as he gained confidence in the hard forms and they fit together better. Correcting his muscle memory would take years of work but the sooner it was started, the sooner completed.

Laurel herself was configuring the speed comprehension tattoos, while Shoukin was in charge of the physical speed ones. The theory was the more magic that was cycled through, the faster the processing, but she was having trouble with getting the lattice to stop overloading. It meant there was an imbalance somewhere that needed correcting. Due to the amount of ink getting everywhere, she had rolled her sleeves up to above her elbows, forcibly uncaring of the way it showed her bindings around her wrists. Pointing to the one from the basilisk, she asked, "You mean this one?"

"And the one on your forehead, and the slice on your other forearm, plus the squiggles on the back of your hand. It's a strange collection. Most scars are less distinct."

"I remember exactly how I got every single one, in some way or another." The redhead stopped herself from rolling her sleeves down self-consciously, knowing that Cat would have his own and understand specifics were not for sharing. She still wanted to, though.

Laurel pointed to each of the mentioned scars as she told him about them, knowing information had to be shared to be gained. "This was from when my parents were killed." The lightning bolt carved its way from halfway down her forehead, through her eyebrow and stopped where her eye socket started. "This was a snake fang, this a knife, and this was a punishment." First was the fist-sized circle just above her elbow, then the 15cm jagged slice on her forearm, and finally she circled the 'I must not tell lies' on the back of her hand. "Admittedly, the stories behind them are even more interesting, but I'm not in the mood to bare myself to the world. You got any scars like that?"

He shook his head, and even still Laurel knew it for a lie.

"This is just like when I try to feed you things, isn't it?" She filled up the bottom of the page and flipped to the next one. "You can't do it because it gives away the person under the mask." She smirked to herself, "Don't worry, I'll break you of that habit eventually."

They settled into a quiet companionship, broken by the occasional call to Naruto, and the boy's huffing breaths. Cat left his spot five minutes later to run him through the whole thing again, showing the whiskered boy where he was going wrong. The brunette took the time to explain the consequences of each mistake, "punching like this means you lose momentum" or "standing like this means it's harder to push you down".

Laurel admired the economy of Cat's movements, and felt the urge to run through her own katas. _Maybe seeing a finished product will help Naruto_ , she mused, and folded up her notebook.

The witch knew three distinct styles of fighting, for different environments and scenarios. The one she preferred was best for enclosed spaces when she was allowed to move lots, or had a lot of enemies and no particular point to protect. It was the most aggressive, and used the walls or objects in the space to bounce at odd angles and use her momentum to take them down.

The second was similar to the first in that it required an enclosed space, but defensive. She used the opponent's energy against them and redirected them into walls or each other while staying as stationary as possible and conserving her own energy.

The third was for open space, and was a reactive style where she used her enemy's energy to gather momentum for her attacks. It simultaneously used the momentum in their attacks to throw them off balance, and fuel her own.

All three relied on her flexibility, speed and precision, and generally assumed she would be facing a stronger, heavier target.

If Naruto had been female she would have taught him all she knew without hesitation, but the fact was he was likely going to grow up strong enough that the style would limit him, especially against smaller and faster opponents. It was possible to win against a faster opponent by timing things correctly, but it was a lot more effective without having to account for that.

Laurel just hoped one of the other taijutsu styles in the books fit him better, because the Academy-taught style was simply so if completely different Konoha ninja were teamed up on a mission, they could at least synchronise and not get in each other's way during a fight. It was one of the reasons why Konoha's teamwork was so superior to the other villages', or so the stupid history books claimed.

When she walked over to an empty part of the training ground, the witch ran through her most basic warm-up routine and started the first kata of her aggressive, or Fire style. It started with jabs and punches, not reaching too far because it would force an enemy to disadvantage themselves to reach her. After that were different kicks, some using the side of her foot, or the heel, depending on where the enemy was supposed to be, and how much energy she wanted to put behind it. After that were elbow hits and knees.  
All of these movements were slow but strong, ensuring precision while still training her body to use the correct amount of force.

She twisted through the forms, changing to a higher level of the same style once the first was complete, moving at the same leisurely pace the whole way through. After Laurel had finished cycling through the katas she knew of the Fire style, she started from the top again, increasing her speed with each completed kata while using the same amount of force. When the witch paused for a brief break, Naruto's excited chatter drew her attention to the pair of them watching her.

"Hm?"

"Wow! You're really fast," the whiskered child bounced over, waving his hands in excitement. Cat followed behind, hands loose at his sides and body-language relaxed.

Laurel smiled gently, "I'm not actually. I'm maybe a tiny bit faster than you. I could probably beat some of your classmates, but I doubt anyone higher." Naruto looked to the ANBU for confirmation, who nodded.

"She is quite skilled though," he informed, in the face of the boy's dulled enthusiasm. To the poison-eyed woman, he said, "I don't recognise that style. Is it an Uzumaki one?"

She shook her head, and when her hair flicked her in the eyes, started to retie it. "I don't know any Uzumaki taijutsu at all. My parents only left me their peculiar style of sealing and possible contacts, aside from Uzushio's history. If I did, Naruto would be learning them. I'm afraid my personal style wouldn't suit him for very long, considering how much growing he still has to do." With her hair twisted into a tight bun, she checked for any loose and dangerous clothing before suggesting her latest idea. "Cat would you be willing to referee a spar?"

Naruto started getting jittery in his excitement, "Are we gonna fight, Laurel-nee?"

"Well, we both need the practice," she grinned, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Cat indicated his agreement, and backed up enough so he was out of their immediate range.

"Whenever you're ready," Cat spoke in his calm deliberate voice, and Laurel focused back on Naruto in anticipation of his attack. She might have made him aware of the value of patience, but he wasn't anywhere near incorporating it into a fight.

As she expected, he ran right for her, kunai in hand. Strangely enough, Laurel had never actually had a proper knife fight so was mildly taken aback at the weapon. _I never actually specified taijutsu only,_ she cursed herself, dodging just enough that he missed her.

The witch darted in to throw off his stance, but he slid back like Cat had been teaching him, and threw a punch with his empty hand. She caught it to test his strength, and was unsurprised that the boy had the strength to overpower her. He might be shorter, but the jumpsuit hid the lean muscle he'd built up over years, while she herself had focused on speed. It was mildly irritating that her top speed after years of training was barely useful against his basic one. _Chakra is such a life-hack._

They disengaged and circled briefly before Laurel kicked leaves in his face and got him right in the solar plexus while he was distracted. He retaliated with a blind kick, and the witch dodged it precisely in order to catch his leg and pull him towards her. She then rolled under his falling form, and tried to kick him from behind while she had the advantage to throw him off further but the boy had used her pull to escape her reach.

He still had the kunai in his hand, and Laurel decided her next goal should be to get rid of it. _If I can slice through his weapons pack, it'd be even better. In hand to hand, I can probably beat him._ She waited for him to charge at her again, slipping sideways with a sharp hit on his wrist to loosen his grip. With her other hand the redhead jabbed him in his side to shock him, and grabbed the weapon with the first hand. She ducked under a retaliatory strike, nearly got a knee to the face, and sliced through the bandages on his upper thigh.

Laurel took a punch to the shoulder rather than her throat, flipping back into a handspring to draw him away from the discarded weapons pouch that she chose to target with her kick, rather than his face. She could only get one in the time she had: better to eliminate the threat of serious injury or in the case of an actual fight, death. Naruto caught one of her ankles and pulled her back. While she was airborne, the witch twisted in his grip, taking another hit to the ribs for her troubles, but managed to spring herself off sideways and roll to absorb the shock of it.

The blonde attacked again before she had time to recover, catching her stomach before she darted away and let him stumble without the expected resistance. She kicked him from behind to help him down onto the ground, and kicked away the stray kunai before Laurel pinned him quite thoroughly. He struggled against it, but Cat called it when he didn't manage an escape.

With purposefully even breaths, she helped the blonde boy to his feet. "What did you see, Cat?" Laurel started on some cool-down stretches, listening to the good and bad things Naruto had done during the fight.

The ANBU spoke to her after, "You need to work on your speed, honestly. Also, have you ever used a kunai?"

"No, never. Never had to fight anyone with a knife either. Swords and jutsu, sure, but no knives." She shook out her limbs. "That's why I got rid of them. I can't use them, so I couldn't let Naruto have a weapon I can't take advantage of. Hand to hand I had a good chance, but with the kunai and weapons pouch my chances went down quite a bit."

Naruto looked thoughtful, shifting from one foot to the other restlessly. Cat spoke up again, "Also, you seem used to having something in your right hand. The way you roll and the handspring indicated some kind of weapon you protected from direct body weight, like it was fragile."

Laurel was reluctant to admit the truth, so she lied. "I have a set of reinforced hair sticks I've used in the past. Metal was too obvious, so I got used to wooden ones." Technically speaking, she had used her wand to hold her hair back, and it was a weapon. Wands were magically reinforced because they weren't just sticks, they were complex magical tools. While this was all true, she knew there was literally no way Cat would come to anything close to the correct conclusions. She just couldn't risk it.

"Well, you should probably learn how to use kunai, Nee-chan." Naruto said, frown shifting into something more enthusiastic. "Hey, that means I can teach you something for once!"

"Sure kiddo. But only if Cat checks our technique over, because I don't trust any teachers at the Academy other than Iruka."

The blonde boy beamed, "I like that you guys are friends."

They collected Naruto's kunai while Cat indicated which stump each of them was aiming at. He stuck around long enough to check the blonde's grip and nod with approval, but then vanished into thin air to continue his watch.

At first Naruto delighted in trying to teach her something, but as time passed they both realised that Laurel was actually genuinely awful at throwing them, and barely passable at deflecting them. It was only due to her fantastic reflexes that she didn't take a couple knives to the torso. Quidditch and Auror work had trained her that anything coming towards her body smaller than a quaffle and not gold was to be batted out of the way or dodged entirely.

She was alright with throwing kunai to intercept another since it wasn't her aiming that was off, but the strength to make the knives go far enough. That meant that if she couldn't throw her own knife hard enough, it barely diverted Naruto's throws and she'd have to dodge anyway.

Given a close target, after adjusting to the heft and how they moved through the air, she could nail a falling leaf, and the witch was perfectly capable of whacking the boy's kunai with one in hand. It was just her lack of strength, and that somehow gave Naruto the idea that she needed to punch a wooden practice post to bulk up.

 _Yeah, that's not happening._

[-]

When she poked her head in through the door it was to see her blonde boy sitting with Iruka at his desk, practicing his fuuinjutsu seals as he waited for the dark-eyed chuunin to finish up whatever paperwork he was in the middle of. Iruka flicked his eyes up to acknowledge her presence, and she flashed him a quick smile as she snuck over to the boy and loomed menacingly over his chair.

Quick as the snakes she could talk to, Laurel struck, "Naruto!" He flailed madly at the hug-attack, panicking until her voice registered, and he went limp.

The witch eventually let him go and knelt down so Naruto could greet her properly. "Laurel-nee, have you finished already?" He wrapped his arms around her neck and she pulled him tight against her. Hugging Naruto was one of the best feelings in the world. He was so warm and small, but mighty. It reminded her of hugs with Neville, actually.

He was always as steady as the earth, but careful with her as if she was a new shoot on a plant. Not many people treated her like she was fragile after they knew exactly how much Laurel could come out of whole, but Neville was one of them.

"Yes, I have. I was thinking of making curry tonight, but I need some ingredients," the copper haired woman closed her eyes as she sank into the hug, and the scraping of a chair gave her a little warning before Iruka joined in. The ninja's arms looped below hers where Laurel held onto the boy's ribs and settled onto the opposite sides of her spine, pressing Naruto tight between them. The whiskered blonde wriggled in delight, bringing a smile to her face and a huff of amused fondness from Iruka.

He didn't let go until Naruto did, it had been part of the discussions the two adults had while he was asleep on how to help him heal from years of neglect. Offering gestures of love and letting him dictate how long or how much of them he could handle was the best they could come up with. Naruto seemed to be taking it well, soaking up every indication of their affection and coming back for more, and it was heartening to see.

"I know a pretty good curry recipe, if you want some help," Iruka offered. Laurel knew the offer was genuine, like the man himself was, so she accepted.

"I can go get the stuff I think I need, and you can grab spices or something from your place before heading over?" He accepted her suggestion with a nod,and so she turned to Naruto to figure out where he fit into all of this. "Do you want to come with me to go shopping, go home and hang out with Shoukin for a while, or stay here until Iruka's finished?"

He thought about it quite seriously, as if it was a life-or-death question, "I think maybe with Shoukin. She promised she'd help with my chakra control with paper planes, and that sounds fun _and_ useful." He looked to his teacher, "Can we do more fuuinjutsu later?"

"Of course," the hickory-haired ninja agreed. "Just come by when someone gives you another 'detention' and once you finish the catch-up work, you can keep practicing."

Naruto's face scrunched in happiness, an expression that had been showing itself more and more often lately. Laurel figured it was because he was glad to finally understand the stuff his other teachers purposely failed to communicate and not feeling like he was dumb he got special lessons with one of his first friends was probably just icing on the cake. The random attention-seeking behaviour had toned down a lot between herself, Iruka, Shoukin and Cat helping him train in various fun and interesting ways. That they did pranks together (motivations depending on which of the twins was supervising) only made everything more exciting.

It wasn't all fun and games though: sometimes Laurel would wake up with a terrified boy wrapped around her as if to keep her from vanishing. Shoukin had seen him trailing her like a little shadow on the bad days, and if they said the wrong kind of word, or acting 'too nice' Naruto would latch on and refuse to let go until the urge to cry had gone away. Whenever he suggested something new he'd be wary and nervous, waiting to see if it was the last straw, if it was the one idea that would prove to them he was stupid and not worth the effort. Laurel had done the same thing at Hogwarts, testing her new reality in case it was some kind of fever-dream. Naruto bounced back easily, cheerful and smiling as if the doubts had never been there, but every one of these instances passed seemed to make him trust the twins just a little more.

They waved to Iruka as they left, Laurel cheerfully leading the way back to the boy's building where Shoukin was probably playing with runes, maybe securing their sleeping area better. Their efforts with the lamp had been put on hold while they tried to figure out other things, like how to get Naruto into a good training routine and trying to solidify their backstory with the Uzumaki before it became an issue.

The first of those was too easy, Naruto was all for it and Cat and Iruka had agreed to help out with no problems. Cat had quietly recommended asking Owl to help with the whiskered boy's chakra issues, while the feline ANBU focused mostly on taijutsu. Badger had offered tips about genjutsu every now and then while they worked the secretary desk together, and she hadn't seen any of her other guards, even if she knew they had to be there.

The second was apparently a myriad of impossibilities, from sneaking out of the village to physically interact with any Uzumaki, to locating them without notice, to even performing the necessary memory charms needed to make it foolproof. There were years when nothing needed to be done, but apparently (according to the stuff Death had forced on her) that last fourteenish months had been spent catching up with people she knew by name but not by face. If she ever met any Uzumaki, Laurel might genuinely be in trouble. Shoukin had agreed to deal with the whole thing, what with her copious amounts of free time, so hopefully the construct could come up with something.

She was very happy to have time by herself with Naruto, and put aside the embroidering of their curtain in favour of throwing paper planes that he had to catch by sticking them to his skin. The things never went where they were aimed (due to bad folding on purpose, that was half the fun right there) so he ended up chasing them around the room, giggling madly. Shoukin joined in when the blonde inevitably smacked into something, and if she was teaching him situational awareness in the middle of distraction, well. Laurel had taught her heart-sister everything she knew about creativity and multitasking.

The witch reminded herself she had things to do other than watch the madness, and rushed her way through shopping. She picked up some tiny chilies, stewing beef and some whole cinnamon curls, plus the other odds and ends needed for Cho's beef rendang recipe. Laurel had traded for it with her own brown sugar and allspice biscuits after bringing them to a DA meeting, and they'd become friends over the kitchen stove.

Marietta's betrayal hadn't been much of one without emotions running her reaction, since choosing a group of distant friends over her own mother wasn't something the ginger would ever condone. Or even do herself if she, y'know, even knew her own parents or actually liked the replacement mother-figure she'd been stuck with. Laurel's apology had been accepted, and the companionship she'd found in the Asian Ravenclaw had been a welcome spot of sanity in her 6th year.

Iruka pulled her head out of the clouds, meeting her on the way back to the apartment and talking with her about what kind of curry they were going to make. "What have you got there?" He nodded at the groceries.

"Some beef, spices for flavouring, chilies, and so on. The curry is normally pretty hot, but I usually tone it down." She looked up at him, mischief glimmering, "I'm not sure you can handle the heat."

He flicked his hands in one of the signs used for jutsu and had a flame hovering over his finger, "I'll have you know my element is fire. I can take what you dish out and double it right back at you."

She snorted, thinking of Firewhiskey and how some of the more potent types made the drinker literally breathe flames. "Bring it on," Laurel dared him, _some spice isn't going to kill me when I survived a room full of **Fiendfyre** cast by an inattentive idiot._ Iruka sent her an interested glance at whatever her face was doing, but she centred herself enough to give him the tiniest shake of her head.

She might have been sorted into the house of the brave, but she'd never been able to talk about those kinds of things with people who hadn't been there for at least some of it. Explaining little bits to Naruto wasn't hard because he already expected her to be a little weird, what with coming out of a lamp. But Iruka as a fully grown adult would be able to read between the lines and see the emotional scars she still lived with and worked around daily. Emotional scars were more than their physical counterparts could ever be.

They arrived back with no other problems, chatting idly about work and weaving through Naruto's deterrent traps. As the pair got closer to the apartment, they heard loud laughs and shouted curses, so somebody had gotten themselves into trouble.

Green eyes met dark chocolate, and Iruka took the lead going through the door, a laugh of his own joining Shoukin's when he saw what had happened. With his broad shoulder in the way, the witch couldn't see anything and was surprised into doing the same at Naruto stuck to the ceiling, covered in various paper objects. He was facing the floor, hands plucking at the fans, planes, people chains and snowflakes making his jumpsuit more white than orange, somehow unable to stop the chakra flow keeping them there.

"What happened?" The blonde boy cursed his little baby not-swears (the day he uttered a proper swear word, Laurel was probably going to coo, bad habit or not) and Shoukin collected herself enough to answer.

"Well, he got the idea to hang from the ceiling and catch them that way, which was fine as long as he was only using his feet. But apparently using chakra to stick the things to him means that when he swung up to get one, he got stuck. Naruto doesn't want to just cut it off altogether since it's a control exercise, so he's trying to figure out how to drop the papers one at a time. Though dropping all the objects and not the rest of him would be just as good, I think," the golem giggled at the squirming child and he pouted down at them.

Laurel's focus flipped between her twin and Naruto, enjoying the happiness bubbling in both of them in spite of his predicament. Clearly things had been going well, so the copper-haired woman didn't feel bad leaving her to coach him through it as much as Shoukin was able. "Okay then, Iruka - with me, we need to figure out how we're going to do this in time for dinner, since it's supposed to stew for a couple hours."

She whirled through the cupboards, pulling out all the ingredients that they'd be using and sorting them by what needed to be done. The vegetables had to be turned into paste or as close to it as possible, the spices needed to be ground and mixed, and the meat had to be cut into chunks.

Obviously, Iruka being a ninja and therefore good with knives was very helpful. He followed her instructions, asking for clarifications on which spices and why, reasons for the cooking techniques and such. Though the original recipe called for three whole chilies, the witch only used one with most of the seeds taken out for Naruto's sake. She could handle the full blast, but since it was the first time she'd be making curry for her blue-eyed menace, the witch figured she should take it easy on him until she knew one bite of the real stuff wasn't going to make him cry.

The chuunin was a really good cook and he clearly knew what he was doing. He asked intelligent questions like a culinary Hermione bent on unraveling her secrets, moved with an efficiency born of practice and made a couple suggestions that Laurel would definitely try next time.

Everything was ready, the curry was simmering and the rice was ready to be made, so the older pair switched focus to see how Naruto was going in his efforts.

The boy was still stuck to the roof (clearly unhappy about that) but he'd managed to rid himself of half of Shoukin's creations, and had the hang of it well enough that he shed another one every 30 seconds or so. Laurel stealthily got her twins attention with a small nudge and made their symbol for fire with a quick glance at the kitchen.

She got the message, and made noises about checking on it to put any suspicions Iruka might have to rest while she used her elemental magic to speed up the stewing. By the time the golem had finished doing what she could with subtly touching the pan and hiding the way she wasn't getting burnt, Naruto was on his way down the wall. He'd opted to finish the whole endeavour properly rather than just let himself fall, but by the end of everything the twelve-year-old's concentration was exhausted.

"Iruka and I can keep an eye on the curry, so how about you go wind down and read a story, or maybe Shoukin had something for you to do with her?" Her twin tilted her head in thought, looking birdlike for a moment before Naruto trudged right into her and the magical construct had to wrap her arms around the boy before he pushed both of them over.

Shoukin hummed, "What about if we read a story together?" Laurel watched long enough to see him nod into her neck, and returned to make her guest a cup of coffee while she had tea.

They got themselves sorted, and the smell of curry began to fill the air while they continued the conversation from before getting home. "So what did she do next?"

Iruka sipped from the drink he'd curled his hands around, "Okay, so Tsume - she's the head of the Inuzuka clan - stands up and calls this civilian woman out, because of course ninja can be ladylike, it's just that it's a waste of time unless they want something."

Laurel nodded, "Yeah, I do that. Dressing up has to have a purpose, otherwise it's just not worth the effort. I've known some girls that spend an hour preening in the morning as part of their daily routine."

He grinned, even if the woman's actions at the time had been beyond frustrating. "Right, so clearly whatever reason she's spouting in order to pull out not just her own kid, but every girl out there - to be a 'proper wife' or something - has no base in fact. Then Tsume told her to get her head out of her ass and think of a future where there were no kunoichi, with the guys as the only ones able to protect themselves, and whether any of the clan shinobi would even bother marrying such useless twits."

Gasping in delight, she leaned forward over the table, "She didn't!"

"And then," Iruka smile twisted cheekily, "Tsume said if she was so against kunoichi lessons that meant her daughter would be able to tell the difference between a poison and a seasoning herb, maybe she should try telling the difference herself." The witch cackled evilly, but he wasn't done. "Normally Tsume's not anywhere near that subtle, she just goes right for the throat, so I was waiting for whatever was coming next that was worse. This is the head of Inuzuka clan, of course there's worse. I think you've met Kiba, right? As energetic as Naruto, half feral and busting for a fight?"

That had been a fun coincidence. "Yeah, I remember." The other boy had pounced on Naruto after school one day when they were walking home, and to Laurel's surprise his dog had better manners than his owner - or partner. The witch wasn't completely sure on the dynamics between ninken and their human halves. But it had definitely made an impression.

"Well, that's her son. So then, Tsume sit back down, kicks her feet up on the desk and says if she was so worried about her daughter that she wanted to keep her on a close leash that Tsume could always send the civilian mother off to see Hana to get fixed. Maybe then she'd see the value of the pup she already had, and save the rest of them from possibly having to endure a more genetically accurate offspring."

The poison-eyed woman had to cover her mouth, not wanting to laugh and miss then end of it, "That's not it, is it?"

"Not even a little," He shook his head, spiky hair brushing over his ear. "The last straw was when the Inuzuka called her a brainless bitch, and the civilian retorted it takes one to know one-"

"-That's just like schoolyard girl fights. You cannot be serious, really?" Laurel snorted, nearly spitting out her mouthful, and chose to put down her teacup just in case.

Iruka assured her, "I'm completely serious. We're trained to have good information retention." She nodded for him to go on. "Tsume snarled, the civ' nearly wet herself, and they were staring each other down before most of the people in the room knew anything was different. Tsume says, 'I'm the head-bitch of my clan, and I didn't get there by running in circles, chasing my own tail. I had common sense enough not to piss off people I couldn't beat in a good hard fight, up until I got strong enough to grind their faces in the dirt. At least your daughter learned that much from the Academy, because she clearly didn't learn it from you. Bite your tongue before I take it home to nail against my door'."

Laurel's mirth bubbled out of her until it was ringing loudly through the room, and she clapped her hands in utter delight of insults done correctly. She couldn't stop until she was gasping, tears at the corners of her eyes and a curious twin poking her head through Naruto's bedroom door to see what was going on.

"Oh, you're killing her with laughter. Good plan, Iruka, it might even work."

The droll sentence set the witch off again, Shoukin's sense of humour was sneaky and mean, and she loved it so much. When Laurel opened her eyes, not entirely sure when she closed them, it was to see the Academy instructor checking on the food. "How's it looking?" She rasped, and drank some tea to help.

"Come see for yourself," he invited, stirring the curry gently. She did so, holding her stomach slightly as it twinged at her from overuse. It was the right colour, and maybe ten minutes from completion which meant it was time to sort the rice out.

She murmured softly, "Pretty good. You mind doing the rice while I get the table cleared?" He shook his head and got to work, while Laurel cleared it of the paper constructions and rubbish from Shoukin's snowflakes and people-chains. Shoukin herself came out sans Naruto, who was apparently napping, to help dish up.

Laurel went to wake up the blue-eyed boy for food, which was the magic word that made his eyes light up and gave him enough energy to dash out to the other room. The copper-haired witch followed sedately behind, and took the place left at the table.

She knew something was wrong when she took the first bite from the way that all three of them were watching her out of the corners of their eyes. After years forced to be in the spotlight, Laurel had a pretty good idea of when people were observing her. It didn't really matter though, the rendang was just as fantastic as she was used to. The sharp burn of chili mixing wonderfully with the spices and the acidic touch of citrus, coupled with the way the meat fell apart in her mouth. She hummed in pleasure, going for another forkful to the incredulous stare of Iruka and a more concerned one from Naruto.

Shoukin looked smug, and answered her unspoken question by jabbing verbally, "I told you she wouldn't even notice a whole chili shoved in there. You need to try harder, Iruka." Mouth still full of glorious tasty curry, the older woman made a questioning noise. "Yes, he did. I told him it wouldn't do anything but he didn't believe me. Hah!"

"Joke's on you, my friend," Laurel raised her eyebrows at him challengingly, "How about you try a bite of my curry, see if you're not just full of _hot air_."

He did so, but to her disappointment the brunette was just as unbothered as she was herself. Actually, he seemed to like it better than the mild stuff, trying to steal bits while the witch caught up with her golem on what she'd been up to.

[-]

Replies:

Sammie03: Holy heck, you made me laugh and clap my hands in glee! Thank you so much, you totally made my day. Yeah, I sniggered every time I had to edit the fighting, and the mental image of Tenzou just being like 'eh, whatever' externally, but internally blushing like crazy is just so great. I mean, we all know he could have reversed it in an instant if he wanted to, and Laurel knew that. So fun! Kakashi doing it gives me a reason to explain such confusing words. I have a large vocab, might as well use it, right? Yuugao will be freaking out more, as you probably already read. On AO3 I have some tags saying "Laurel casually breaks reality" and "ninjas don't like it much", and this is only the beginning!

I wasn't sure about Mizuki's fiance, it said on wiki that he had one and she was just a character in the anime ep where he escaped and transformed himself into a tiger? I never saw it, and it sounds a bit ridiculous, but I figure Mizuki is perfectly capable of having a SO (Though why doesn't Iruka? Seriously? He's adorable and lovely and if Laurel wasn't going to be occupied with Tenzou I would totally do that. Sadly, Shoukin seems to be going and entirely different direction, too, and I don't think I could do poly justice). And he so deserved the frog attack. Shoukin's pranks tend towards more general mindfuckery, but Laurel is all about the vengeance. Naruto has totally got both of those down, and as a trio of pranksters they are utterly _terrifying_.

As for Tenzou - heck yeah! I have yet to come across even one Tenzou/OC fic, and most don't even really mention him as more than a side character, but there is so much potential. The lack of proper Tenzou fics make me wanna cry, because oneshots just don't last. I may have found a work-around for Kakashi though. And some plans for Obito, and the fact that he's not dead - but that's going to be spearheaded by Shoukin if at all.

And it's really wonderful to see such enthusiastic responses! I don't mind over much that you don't have an account, that's your choice, and you choose to review anyway. It was great to hear from you again!


	14. Making Friends

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed etc. it's really great to know I'm not the only one having a good time! Also another thank you to those who recommended stories (Twice Blessed Shinobi, right?) but I have a sudden change in the amount of free time I have, so reading is not going to be a priority.

Apologies for the lateness! I had some internet connection issues for the past couple of days, so today has been a quick edit before posting. Lastly, thank you to the wonderful AnFan-n-More!

Guest replies at the bottom.

[-]

14: Making Friends (Rumours Abound)

[-]

Laurel was supervising Iruka and Naruto while they made a batch of chocolate brownie, in the middle of a seal storage theory argument. Cat had settled on the windowsill to watch the impending madness. "Why can't you make a storage seal that acts like an explosive one?"

The instructor sighed, running a finger down the recipe she written out to figure out the next step. "That's not how it works. You have to make them for a specific sized object, and said object has to be in physical contact with the scroll."

"No, but what if you made it like an explosion? Like, explosions use the energy to make a mix of heat, pressure, sound and light and release it from the seal, right? Then you'd just have to-"

"-That is not at all how explosive tags work," Iruka interrupted, and she turned to Cat in frustration.

"Come on, back me up here, it's not that complicated!" He just tilted his head consideringly, and the witch huffed at his silence. "It's just energy conversion on a release timer! That's all it is! That means you can-"

"-That's not all it is, it's-"

Ignoring him, she changed her focus from verbally deconstructing an explosive seal to verbally deconstructing a storage seal. "-The basic idea of storage seals is a pocket dimension anchored through a physical representation, bound to paper, restricted by the ink and powered by chakra," she stated, painting a storage seal as she spoke. When Laurel paused, Iruka didn't disagree.  
Cat looked marginally interested, or as interested as a man in a porcelain mask could. "General sealing requires you specify the object, but that's mostly so you know what's in there and don't go for a kunai and get a river. And I know you can seal a river, because you've mentioned it before. That means there isn't a physical limit to how much you can store, it just depends on preset filters built into the shape of the ink, so if you put a water storage seal on a lake it wouldn't have fish and plants and air in it, even if they were in contact with the water."

The ginger looked up to see Naruto about to break the egg into the mixture, and stopped him before they'd have to start over. "The first couple of times it's better to do this over a bowl, that way you can fish out bits of shell. It's a fairly delicate technique," Laurel instructed the blonde, and since the recipe called for two eggs, she demonstrated with the first.

"I don't understand how you can do this so easily, Laurel-nee," Naruto complained as he tried to crack the eggs without getting shell in it.

"Practice," she told him, turning back on Iruka over the boy's head. "Now, back to what I was saying before. If you leave the storage seal unspecified, but with a timer, it's defined by the amount of chakra powering the seal." So saying, she picked up the seal, fed it a tiny spark of her magic, and threw it up so it touched the ceiling.

With her excellent timing, it activated at the peak of the throw, and with a small pop, a hemisphere was neatly cut out and the paper fluttered to the floor.

"Because of the lack of filter, anything within a certain radius of the seal is stored, and the size of the radius is determined by the power input." Laurel walked over, reactivated the seal and held the piece of wood that used to be part of the ceiling in one hand. She stomped over to put it on the table, smirking at the Academy instructor, "So don't tell me you can't make a storage seal like an explosive tag."

The brown-eyed ninja cheerfully dumped a handful of flour on her, which she forced herself not to inhale.

"Okay, that's asking for it!" So saying, she slung sugar at his face.

[-]

Anko Mitarashi bounced into the Jounin lounge, dango in one hand and a spinning kunai in the other. Unfortunately for Yuugao, she was in the middle of a conversation with her squad leader about shifts. Since Genma'd been tracking down one of the other ANBU captains for some reason or another, she couldn't ditch before the other purple-haired kunoichi pounced. That Yuugao was a genin to the wider village and she was out of uniform meant she couldn't dodge the movement without inspiring suspicion.

"I heard a rumour that you've been watching a ghost lately, Yuu-chan," Anko purred in delight, and cuddled the frozen ANBU closer. "I thought the point to ghosts was that you couldn't watch them?"

Yuugao sighed softly, knowing the only way to get the serpentine ninja off her back about rumours was either bribery via dango or just giving her the information. _Well, no one ever said I couldn't feed the rumour mill._ She exchanged a short glance with Genma before turning in Anko's grip, and semi-reluctantly hugged her back. "Not technically a ghost, I'd say. More a spirit possessing a body. One of which is Uzumaki. I'm not sure if it's the spirit or the body, though. Which one is more likely to result in Uzumaki chakra?" the ANBU babbled like the rookies neither of them were.

Although technically, the younger of the two had never actually reached Chuunin or higher. At least half of ANBU were Genin on paper, and when sent out on public missions had to act that level unless they could ensure no information leaks. Most of them thought it was a fun challenge, but they generally covered C ranks the Jounin-led teams didn't, while the Genin Corps did the in-village missions.

During the Academy, Anko had decided to adopt Yuugao as her friend, and later a younger sister due to their hair colour. She'd never had any other reasoning, and Yuugao had been delighted to have a mentor figure, especially one who was only two years ahead of her. The ANBU had 'graduated' from the Academy the same year Anko was promoted to Chuunin, which - amusingly enough - was actually a year earlier than Itachi's when he was inducted and later thought of as a genius for. It seemed like only males got to be genii, or maybe it was because people like him and Kakashi actually bothered with the publicly observed system of reaching Chuunin after having a Jounin-sensei before becoming part of ANBU.

"Hmm," Anko considered her question seriously. "Probably the physical coils. So does that mean that an Uzumaki sealed a foreign spirit inside their body for extra power, and the spirit took over?" They heard Genma snort in amusement at the wild theory. "When do I get to meet this spirit in the flesh?"

Yuugao didn't bother hiding her amusement at the pun. "I can give you some hints later, but I don't want them getting hounded by every single Jounin in here. That'd be too much for anyone, spirit or no."

The spiky-haired kunoichi brightened, "Hey, does that mean we can go out for dango?"

"Anko, you just came from there."

"You don't know that!"

"In saying that, you just admitted to it," Yuugao laughed. "But yes, we can. As long as I can get some melonpan, I don't mind."

"Well then what are we waiting for?" The tokujo pulled her out the door while she gave a farewell wave to Genma's sniggering face.

[-]

The witch slammed the door to Iruka's classroom, ignoring the crowd of boys observing her, "Is making me talk sense into your baby kunoichi revenge for the storage seal thing?"

The man looked up from the quiz papers he was marking, and she could see the amusement in his eyes, "No, why would you think that? And I didn't make you, I asked nicely and you agreed to show up for one lesson."

Laurel scowled, pressing back against the door as if keeping out a pack of hellhounds after her blood. _He totally knew what I was in for and he didn't even warn me!_ "I'm going to murder you," she declared, pointing a finger threateningly. "I'm going to rip out your organs, hang them up like party decorations and then dance gleefully on your bloody corpse." The brunette just smiled at her, like she was as intimidating as a wet, shivering kitten.

"Does that mean you'll fix it?"

She cursed at him in Parseltongue, not wanting to use actual swear words in front of so many children with parents Iruka would happily throw her way. "I need reinforcements before I brave _that_ again. I want at least two days and a training ground with a forest." Laurel narrowed her eyes, "And after all of that, you damn well better make _every single student_ attend those so-called kunoichi lessons, because _any_ infiltrators will need those skills, not just girls, and it might stop the Konoha males falling for those very tricks. That's blatant sexism! Some of the sneakiest people I knew were guys, and I'm proof that girls can be powerhouses." The witch growled, infuriated beyond words.

Iruka hummed in satisfaction, "So you will. Good. I have other things to deal with after you oh-so-helpfully pointed out the lack of subtlety."

"That was supposed to be something you fixed! I did not sign up for fangirls!" She made a strangling motion with rigid fingers at him, and flailed madly to expel some of her blatant aggravation. "Did you know most of them are on _diets_? What kind of nonsense _is_ that, ugh!" Laurel devolved into mumbling under her breath with intermittent Parseltongue swears catching in the ear like the sibilant noise always did. The snake language was anything but subtle when sneaking, funnily enough.

The instructor muffled his laugh with one hand, drawing her focus back to the room to see a group of startled boys watching her like a human exploding tag ( _that's a thought, clones made to explode_ ). The ginger ignored how Iruka was sniggering at her, and glared the students down, "If any of you so much as _think_ of skipping, I will hunt you down and tie you to Naruto until you learn every single thing, got it?"

"She's not serious," Iruka told them, not even pretending to be sorry about undermining her threats.

"Okay, maybe not. I wouldn't tie them to Naruto, because he already knows this stuff and that's not fair for him." Laurel spoke, amused at the resulting bewildered acceptance of Naruto's stealth skills from Iruka.

When the boy put effort into something, he went so far beyond what most people even considered. Kunoichi classes were ninja training after all, and he didn't have much luck with most of his classes anyway so there hadn't been any reason for him not to try. It helped that he'd never had someone to tell him they were only for girls or ward him off.

To the boys, she clarified, "But, I will put you through the kunoichi training session from hell, and tie you to a fangirl for the duration. You will learn this if I have to literally beat it into your thick little skulls, so do _not_ test me."

Iruka started laughing hard enough that he dropped his head into his hands, and Laurel took that as her cue to leave.

"Bloody fangirls."

[-]

Laurel had noticed every time she left the house, there was a strange purple-haired ninja in an even stranger mesh-plus-overcoat outfit following her. Well, every time is a bit of an exaggeration. But most times. She was just finishing up with grocery shopping, having just emerged from one of the shops that barely tolerated Naruto. Well, the husband barely tolerated the whiskered boy. The wife seemed to be a former-whore, and had much more sympathy.

Naruto as a street kid after 'ditching the orphanage' had tended towards the Red Light district. People didn't really care either way, and the workers there understood being down on your luck, or judged for being who you were. He had a lot of friends there, actually. They'd gone visiting one day and he'd showcased his own jutsu that had been inspired by the people there. Though, Laurel's work costumes had made a couple appearances in the few hours they'd been there.

The witch had just gotten a glimpse of the eggplant-purple hair poking out around a corner when she decided to do something about it. "Hey, purple hair, wanna help me take these home?"

The face that was attached to the strange hair was young, maybe around Laurel's age, and stretched into a wide grin. "I was wondering how long it'd take!"

"How long it'd take for what?"

"For you to say something," the ninja grabbed the offered bag but started rooting around in it, probably for a snack. _Luckily I gave her the one full of vegetables._

Laurel started walking home, and when the other woman took up a position to her left, asked "So, why are you following me?"

"I've heard some very interesting things about you. Thought I'd come say hi." She pulled an innocent face that the witch could see right through. Which was probably the point.

"Well, first off, you haven't actually said that yet-"

The ninja interrupted her with a cheerful wave, "Hi!"

Laurel didn't bother hiding her amused smile, "Hi. I'm Laurel. What interesting things have you heard about me?"

"Anko. We're going to be great friends, I can tell." Anko steered Laurel around a group of rowdy children before they ran right into the pair, avoiding her question.

"How can you tell?" She raised an inquiring eyebrow

"I just know," so saying, she stopped them walking in time for a man on a horse to gallop past them.

"You sure you can't see the future?" The ginger teased, enjoying the flirty person Anko was playing as. Laurel could probably take lessons and use them in the office. That'd be even funnier. Since she'd warmed up to Shoukin's prank, she'd managed to distract half of the men that came in from their original purpose with her outrageous costumes. If any girls had been distracted, they were good enough to hide it.  
Discussions with Naruto and Shoukin about whether changing the colours or going for entirely different outfits were ongoing weekly things. It had actually led to an interesting conversation about Naruto's Sexy Jutsu - where he changed into a fully-grown female version of himself, naked aside from some strategically placed mist - and the tactical uses of it.

"Hmm, I dunno." The purple-haired woman smirked, "Nobody's ever suggested that before. I _definitely_ like you. Even you are a spirit possessing a body." The witch had no idea what her face was doing, but it was apparently pretty funny with the way Anko cackled.

"Huh?"

Calming down, the ninja pulled the shorter woman down the correct turn for Naruto's apartment. "That's the rumour going around. There are debates on whether you're an Uzumaki spirit possessing a normal woman, or an Uzumaki who sealed a ghost inside your body which has taken over."

"Uh, wow." Laurel thought about it, "That's pretty intricate. Why am I a spirit in a possessed body?"

"It's fairly obvious you aren't human, and from what we can tell you're not any kind of demon or overly malicious being, so it's either a spirit, some kind of minor kami or the result of a resurrection jutsu gone wrong." _Obviously I'm nowhere near as clever as I thought I was. So much for passing under the radar, but I guess that was shot to hell when I started lecturing the Hokage. Funny how she never actually explained why they think I'm not human._

"I like the minor kami explanation. What kind of minor kami, though? A household one? Whirlpool?" She winked at Anko at the play on her supposed 'last name'. "But, then again the spirit fits better."

"How come?"

 _Well, let's see how she responds to unexpected information. It's not like it's an impossible thing, from what I know of ninja healthcare._ "Well, I have died, technically. A few minutes, maybe, when I was younger. I got better though, obviously." They arrived at Naruto's building, which apparently was actually _Naruto's building_ in that he owned it. It was one way of stopping the civilians from making his life even harder.

Though, the traps Naruto had set up around the first few floors helped. She'd unconsciously mimicked him whenever going up the staircase, which had definitely saved her a couple days in and out of the shower. Coming home from work to find sticky slime and sneezing powder smeared in the lower corridor had been quite the surprise, but she'd laughed it off. Now Naruto was using it to teach her the proper methods of ninja trapping and how to detect such things without magic. Making her own was one of the best things!

Laurel had to give the Hokage credit, he was trying, and he was clearly fighting an uphill battle to get the village to accept him, but the information hoarding was a trait she disliked in a leader. Sure, the witch could understand it from the perspective of a war-leader, but that didn't mean she approved or would carry that out herself. She made a point to inform Naruto as much as possible, and informed him why if she wasn't able to answer any questions.

Anko hadn't dropped her wide grin at the idea of temporary death, or even flinched so Laurel figured she was in the clear. "I'll see you 'round Anko. Feel free to come to me to confirm any more rumours, I always enjoy a good bit of harmless gossip."

The key word in her phrasing was 'harmless'. As long as she wasn't going to be ostracised, or Death-forbid venerated for one made up fact or another, it was fun to play the game.

[-]

"How often do you do this?" Laurel gasped, running behind Naruto as he lapped the training ground for the 10th time.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, "About every two days or so, why?"

She flapped a hand and asked another question, "How many laps?"

"Uh, twenty-ish." She swore viciously, but it only made her feel a little better and left her panting for air.

"Come on, Laurel, put your back into it!" Shoukin hollered from her stationary point against a tree. She flipped the magical construct off, and pushed a little harder in order to catch up with Naruto. _I'm so going to use this on those fangirls and watch them suffer._

[-]

"Yuugao, I'm going to visit Rei!"

"You shouldn't call her that," she scolded, flinging a dango stick at the tokujo while rifling through Anko's bookcase for something to borrow. Hayate had stolen her new kenjutsu scroll that morning before she'd come off shift, so now she had nothing new to practice with. Seals weren't that interesting when she'd specialised in seal storage rather than something more useful like barriers, so fiction it was!

The mesh-clad woman dodged like it was nothing. Since the younger hadn't put much force behind it - just enough to stick in the wall - it basically was nothing. "What? It's better than Kakashi's 'monster'. And! It's based in fact. Calling her a deceased soul is totally accurate! She said she'd died, everyone thinks she's a spirit, and she has a super weird acceptance of the cycle of life. The character literally means soul, spirit or departed soul. It's the perfect name for her!"

"I hope you don't call her that to her face." Yuugao grabbed one at random and started flicking through it before she actually noticed what it was. Picking a sentence on the page, the ANBU nearly dropped the book in shock, "Anko!"

The woman in question was in the middle of packing away her tea set, and didn't bother glancing over her shoulder, "What now?"

"Since when do you read Icha Icha?" The lurid orange book simply had the title 'Icha Icha Paradise' with two badly-drawn people depicted on the front. It looked more like a book for children under three than part of the mature porn series it actually was.

"Eh, it's not a big deal. I got bored and stole it from Kakashi. I don't think he's noticed yet because I snuck into his apartment, and he's been away on that mission. I'll put it back when I get bored of it."

She smiled at her older sister, "I'm so proud of you," she cooed. "Stealing from Kakashi!"

Anko snorted, shrugging into her coat and absently plucking the dango stick from the wall when she walked past. "You can't talk, Yuu-chan. How long did it take you to even talk to Hayate again? And this was when you already knew he liked you." She rolled her eyes, "He's not even gonna know it was me. He might be a genius and ex-ANBU, but he doesn't notice anyone not already in his circles, you've gotta admit."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. He noticed Laurel though."

"That's just cause she's an anomaly," Anko scoffed. "Don't give him any credit for that. All genii hate things they don't understand." She gave the younger woman a droll look, "I would know, what with having the sensei that I did. As soon as they understand something, they get bored and leave."

Yuugao caught her before she managed to open the door, and hugged her enthusiastically. "You're worth more than he would ever know. Now, I think I'm coming with you. I don't dare read that."

Anko curled her lips into a sly smirk, "Maybe it'd give you something to try out on Hayate."

"Oh, shut up," She whacked her on the arm, and slung it around her waist afterwards. "Let's go visit Laurel. I haven't 'met' her yet, though. You'll have to introduce me."

[-]

Iruka answered the Hokage's summoning with a punctual knock on the door, and went in when called, "Yes, Hokage-sama?"

He looked up from where he was sitting at the desk, the hat casting his face into shadow. "I received your request for a training ground." He paused, probably waiting for his defence or an explanation.

The chuunin held his tongue, wanting more to work with. Talking with the leader of his village was not something he thought could ever be comfortable in an official setting, strictly speaking. Talking to the Hokage was different from talking with Hiruzen, and this was clearly the latter, but that didn't mean he was going to run off with assumptions like he cautioned his students against. Just because he had a temper and wore his emotions openly didn't mean he was stupid; Iruka was a ninja and proud of it.

"Does this have anything to do with Naruto's new relative and the sudden bout of interesting quizzes I've heard about?" The Hokage asked after letting the silence stretch for a while.

Iruka decided to come right out with it, it's not like he'd been trying to hide it so far, and Hiruzen didn't seem irritated, rather more interested. "It does. Laurel pointed out a massive… lack in our education system, and I thought I should test the validity of her argument before acting on it. This is part of that, and when I asked for her help with the female half of the class and the difference in their physical performance, she asked for a training ground." He thought about what else might be worth saying, and eventually came up with, "I think she plans on pulling her ANBU guards into it, honestly. And possibly Anko. I know she's asked them, at least, and it depends on their availability and the date."

Iruka was lucky the Hokage liked him, judging by the way his eyebrows rose and the stare he got from the village leader. "Do you know what she has planned?"

"A 'training session from hell', apparently." Iruka shook his head, "But I asked her to assess the girls' skills, and she ran into my classroom like they were some kind of unholy terrors. Given her fondness for children, Laurel is going to try putting some common sense into their heads while providing strong female role models to keep them grounded. She's expressed concern that the students don't seem to understand the reality of ninja life, and the fact that they will be in real, life-threatening danger with their own skills as a buffer. In exchange for her doing this favour, she wants all students to attend kunoichi lessons, even if those are 'sub-par at best' according to her."

The Hokage hummed thoughtfully, "And what have you found yourself? Are her concerns valid?"

Nodding, the chuunin explained, "I've never really thought about the education my students receive as a whole, focusing most on my own subjects and getting feedback from my coworkers on specific students. Mostly which ones are doing well or might need help, and so on. The only true score we get is the graduation test, as you know, since every teacher assesses their students in their own ways. Because of this, Naruto's lack of education slipped through because none of them ever reported more than him being a troublemaker."

"What else?" He prompted, able to tell that was not the most important thing the teacher had to say since he'd already heard about what Laurel and Iruka had found - through Naruto himself.

"It's… quite disturbing, actually," the hickory-haired man admitted. "There's a large list of things that have gradually vanished over the years for no discernable reason I can find. Most of what the students learn has been reduced to useless bookwork, and it's fairly consistent across the whole school." The Hokage gestured for more detail, so Iruka complied. "Starting with general classes like history, apparently they exclusively learn about Konoha. The course touches on the founding, and the main members like Hashirama-sama, Madara-sama, Tobirama-sama and Mito-sama, plus the Uchiha and Senju, but aside from a list of clans that joined later there's basically no mention of the Warring Clan Era aside from 'it was bad'."

The Hokage looked appropriately confused and concerned, especially since it differed greatly from what the Academy instructor had discovered about Hiruzen's own school-days. Iruka had been talking to the older shinobi to find out what it used to be like, confirming that what he'd found was actually something to be concerned about.

Iruka continued, "Normally, that wouldn't be much of an issue, but children aren't really used to reading between the lines unless specifically told or taught how to and when it's appropriate. The same trend follows for the Shinobi Wars, the history of the Hokages, and so on. There's no mention of other villages at all, or the Capital, and I'm not sure if any of them could even name the minor countries if given a map."

It was like that for everything, as he'd said. With Iruka teaching genjutsu and ninjutsu mostly, he had assumed the previous teachers had taught chakra basics enough for him to get right into it. Apparently that was not true, and now that he was looking for it, he was finding holes all over the place. If it hadn't been so well hidden, Iruka would have despaired of his teaching skills for letting it go unchecked for so long.

After digging and asking some of the more aged shinobi what they'd learnt in their Academy days, it painted a very grim picture of what could only be sabotage. There used to be multiple training trips to deal with terrain differences, protecting versus attacking, stealth versus drawing attention. There had been weekly workshops or lectures from Tokubetsu-Jounin on their specialties (and if they picked up an especially talented kid as an apprentice, all the better) and the values of different skills.

By rights Iruka's students would know the different advantages of things like long-range, mid-range and close-range for both jutsu, and any forms of taijutsu. They'd know who to ask about different weapons, or any specialties or departments they wanted to head for after graduation.

Kunoichi would have learned poisons and herbal remedies alongside flower arrangements; physical health and exercise alongside posture; diplomacy with tea ceremonies; emotional health with seduction and misdirection; nutrients with cooking.

The new 'program' would make the graduating ninja more likely to fail missions outside Konoha or start international incidents. Screwing up a new jutsu was about three times as likely without the background for each hand sign and chakra basics, and jutsu creation was basically a thing of the past. Any subtlety was basically thrown out the window, which was what Laurel had caught onto initially, even if neither of them had even imagined the full scope of what they were dealing with.

Other not-actually-minor things like the rampant sexism and general prejudice had only been worsened, since there were no longer weekend sessions for civilian-born to get more focused advice from the teachers that Clan kids took for granted. The lack of apprenticeships was also a major setback, since generally the Tokujos went for non-clan kids to get someone able to exclusively learn their style or specialty. Clans had their own people for that and could easily provide for their members in most cases, so the apprenticeships were wasted on them.

Through the Tokujos, the graduation numbers were usually better. Alongside the general 2-5 Genin teams with Jounin-sensei graduating annually, there were also the students taken on individually who made it to Chuunin fairly easily. And because each Tokujo usually trained three or more over their lifetime, that was a lot of specialised shinobi no longer reaching their full potential, or finding like-minded ninja to carry on helping Konoha the way they did.

Most kunoichi made it to Chuunin at the highest, and only lasted out a few years before retiring to have families. There was nothing wrong with that, but the sheer amount of females dropping the career was disturbing and indicated a deeper problem. Any in infiltration or seduction tended to burn out twice as fast and vanish from public record, either logged as on long term missions, constant border patrol, or ANBU as they shattered under the mental pressure without the tools to deal with it.

To Iruka it seemed a lot like someone had pinpointed the heart of every lesson, the purpose behind each skill and ripped it out. Nothing that would immediately be noticed, but still effectively reduce the competence of their shinobi, one graduating class at a time.

That someone had been able to get such insight into the Konoha Academy, and then bring it down from the inside made Iruka's temper flare. Judging from the suspicious tones and hissing nonsense Laurel took on whenever they discussed it, she wasn't far behind him.

The instructor had been more concerned with what had been done rather than who was responsible, and collecting hard data. Now that he had enough evidence to prove that something was truly wrong, Iruka was able to hand it over to the Hokage for him to address the obvious security issues. Logically speaking, there had to be at least one person at the Academy to make sure any minor issues got dealt with before someone noticed, and the paranoia resulting from that was not something the chuunin really wanted to encourage. If he was twitchy now, having a specific target to observe would only make things worse.

Iruka took the files of collated information he'd grabbed when he'd been summoned, and handed it over while he explained everything.

"Thank you, Iruka, I will deal with this," he patted the pile of evidence. "Now, as to your request, I will allow it in the understanding that Laurel will be supervised at all times by either yourself or one of the other shinobi. If her twin is there, she must also be watched."

The Hokage paused in thought, in the way that Iruka knew was simply acting. The Sandaime could assess and formulate plans for any situation in a fraction of a second, but he played the old man unless there was a specific reason not to. People underestimated him to their detriment.

"She will be taking her civilian test soon, so we should be able to pinpoint her origins and whether she is a spy for wherever she came from. You say she has a love for children, so I want you to assess the truthfulness of this, and whether she has other motivations for bringing these issues to our attention. We both know how effective she is at hiding, and though I could brush this off as part of her personal experience, it seems more complex than that because she pointed it out so blatantly."

So the Hokage would allow this in because it was a test, of her character, skills and motivation, secondary to the one coming up after the civilian test. If she passed it, Laurel would be told she was no longer under guard, which was lie. The weeks afterward would be crucial in seeing how she acted when thought to be free from the need for masks.

Iruka nodded in confirmation and understanding, and took his leave. If he was required for anything regarding the investigation into the Academy, he would be notified. For now, he needed to tell Laurel when she had a training ground so she could tell her helpers. Iruka would have to join them, but since the instructor had already been planning to, it wasn't an issue.

[-]

Naruto was snuggled up inside the blankets she'd made for him, listening carefully while she read to him from Tales of Beedle the Bard. Laurel hadn't been able to throw it away no matter how many times she'd tried after the war. It still meant too much, a pointed hint to the time she'd spent as a member of the Wizarding World before coming across a book of traditional tales, or more recently a reminder of how the war had changed her.

Nonetheless they snuggled up together, her teaching him about the ridiculousness of her heritage through 'The Hopping Pot' and other stories. "Naruto, do you know of a place where dangerous jutsu or techniques might be kept?"

He blinked his sky-blue eyes, brow furrowing in thought. "...Maybe?"

She waited, knowing their watchers had disappeared more than half an hour ago due to the lack of glowing red auras in her range of vision for the same amount of time. _Probably reporting in._ That there was nothing in sight meant there was no one in earshot, a strange quirk of the magic that had required extensive testing to define. It varied across people, and the use of particular silencing spells either changed the colour or made the presence-revealing spell obsolete.

"He's talked about a forbidden scroll once," the 12-year-old murmured, lost in recollection. "I think it's jutsu created by the Hokages and dangerous things."

"Did he ever mention where?"

His focus settled on her form like a different kind of blanket. "Nee-chan, are you going to try to steal it?"

"Not so much?" Laurel cuddled him closer, even though he tried to stare her into submission. She'd seen worse from Hermione, and would not be intimidated by anything less than her muggleborn friend on a studying rampage. "I'm not going to steal it. I'm looking for more information about fuuinjutsu. There's only one book in the library, under the Jounin section and it's nothing practical, just the history of the art and how it's been used. I'm not going to steal it, I just want to know if there's more."

 _That's not even mentioning how suspicious it is that even in the Jounin history book, Uzushio was barely mentioned, and in the fuuinjutsu one they were an aside. By rights the book should be all about them as the pioneers in the art, rather than a brief mention of 'oh, these crazy people on a island practice it a bit' or 'the Shodaime Hokage's wife came from said island' or 'using fuuinjutsu allowed Mito Uzumaki to_ seal a chakra demon _'. Like the last thing is anywhere near normal?!_

 _Is there something suspicious about how Uzushio fell, or was Konoha involved somehow? They were supposed to be allies, but aside from Mito, and a 'Kushina' that I still have no information about, everything actually important has been swept under the rug and never mentioned again. The new generation doesn't know what they don't know, the older generation already know it all so don't need to look it up, but what about my age group? Shouldn't the ninja in one generation removed have noticed the massive gap of information?_

Naruto didn't sound even a little bit less suspicious, "And what if there is more?"

"Then I'll copy it. I get to have it and it's not stealing," Laurel mused.

"Only technically," the boy refuted.

"Technicalities are the best things. As long as they have a copy, there's no reason to suspect it's not the only copy. It's a lot like loopholes, squishy, you know how much you like those."

 _Actually, maybe talking to him about the fuuinjutsu history and the giant hole in all of this might be a better bedtime story._ "Time to change our storytime, I think. Then you'll agree that we need this as soon as possible. Paranoia is healthy, in this case." She bounded out of the room, fished out the 'Fuuinjutsu' book, and returned to regale him with what the book said, what she herself knew, and everything in between that was missing.

"Okay," he sighed in the end, and then they started planning out ways to find where this 'Forbidden Scroll' was kept.

[-]

Anko leaned over her shoulder, peering at the book the ginger-haired witch was scribbling in. "What'cha doing?"

She scribbled a couple more words, and grumbled, "Seal theory."

The kunoichi took that as permission, and settled on the bench next to her. Naruto was practicing his aiming by throwing paint pellets at the people in the park. It might not have been very "upstanding citizen" for Laurel to encourage it, but she wasn't officially a Konoha citizen yet, so whatever. That was next week.  
For now, she could let Naruto have some fun and get revenge at the same time.

"Five points!" The boy yelled from his perch in the tree, before jumping to one a little further away.

The scoring system was five points for a lethal part on a civilian, ten for anywhere on a ninja, and fifteen for a lethal point on a ninja. By rights, he should only get points if he hit where he was aiming, but realistically accidents could be bad or good, so Laurel let him take credit for good fortune.

"What kind of seal theory?"

"Speed-boosting ones," Laurel nibbled on her lip, and added another stability rune to the array. The brown-eyed ninja nudged her side for more details. "I need a way to keep up with ninja in fights. It's got two parts to it. One is the physical speed, and the part I'm doing now is the mental comprehension."

Shoukin had told her off for slacking when the construct had finished the physical-enhancing runes first, when the witch wasn't even halfway through her part of it. _I've been busy teaching Naruto! And working, and making friends and bothering Cat… She's so right. I have been wasting time. She can go to work for me! Or teach our Squishy tactics, or cooking or anatomy, or anything really. Ugh. At least we've got the kunoichi hell training this weekend._

Anko hummed in thought, "Those don't look like any seals I've ever seen before."

"That's probably because I don't think you have. These are a type of seal catered for the way I use chakra, called runes. My mother used them too, but it wasn't her focus the way I've made it mine. From what I can tell, they renew themselves through natural energy, only requiring a spark."

 _I think it needs another focus rune between these two, a precision one here, and two more air ones in opposition. With a translation on the clockwise edge of each elemental invocation, bound up in the overall mind rune, and I should be done!_ "...I might have finished it." She looked up at her friend with eyes glittering in excitement, "Shall we try it out?"

"Sure." Anko watched on as Laurel drew the mirror image on her palm in infused ink, keeping the shapes static with magic. After double checking everything was in order, she placed her hand on her neck so the rune array was resting over her pulse under the edge of her jaw. She locked eyes with the woman next to her, grinning a wild grin, which was returned.

Laurel focused the magic against the skin of her palm, using the ink as the focus for a temporary brand. She burnt the array into the first two layers of skin on her neck with the infused black pigments, and felt the way the pulse in her throat pushed her magic into and beyond the seal, carrying the slightly shaped energy to her brain.

As she breathed in, the world crystallized into clarity, and she couldn't hold in the euphoric giggle. Laurel watched the way the breeze made Anko's odd eggplant-purple hair twitch, the slight shift of her eyelashes as she blinked, every millimeter of the way her face changed for a bare moment to something just a hint softer. Even to the witch's new sense, the expression was there-and-gone almost before she could notice it.

"Kami, this is amazing," the redhead sighed, switching to watching the leaves sway in a clarity she could never have imagined.

It wasn't long before the effects faded as she slowly choked the magic flow enough to change the direction, so it went up the other side of her neck and took the rune-altered magic away from her mind. Since it was bound to the mind rune it had no effect on her body anyway, so it was completely safe.

Laurel sat and revelled in the glory of a successful rune array finished for a minute or so.

"So, it worked then?" Anko spoke up eventually, and the witch let her head loll onto the kunoichi's shoulder with a blissful sigh, still basking.

"Beyond expectation."

[-]

Laurel slammed her hands down on Iruka's desk, "Okay, you don't have to answer if it's insensitive, but I have to at least ask. How on earth did you get that scar on your face? It's been bothering me ever since we met, and I can't let it go any more."

Iruka blinked his dark chocolate eyes in bewilderment, "What, really?"

She perched herself on his desk, since it was lunch time and all the kids were going crazy outside. The woman absently neatened the piles of paper she'd disturbed with her enthusiasm. "Yes, really! It's so straight, there is literally no way I can think of that it was an accident. Seriously, how?"

"Uh…" He twitched when she swung around and put her feet on either side of his thighs. It might have had something to do with the way she shoved her bare toes underneath his legs, or the skirt of her gypsy outfit and how it barely preserved her modesty. What he didn't know was that she was wearing a pair of shorts underneath to prevent exactly that happening.

"Come on," the witch whined. "Tell me!" When he sat there and simply stared at her, she decided another route might give her what she wanted faster. "If you don't answer me in one way or another, I'll start guessing."

She watched Iruka, waiting for a sign he was going to give in, but none were to be found. With a put-upon sigh, Laurel started weaving one of the most ludicrous stories she could think of. "When you were little, you sleepwalked a lot, and one night after you escaped your house you were kidnapped by a family of rabid squirrels who decided to adopt you as one of their own. They were trying to find your fur, so they started carving in order to pull it out from under your skin. You woke up and screamed, and your parents rescued you from the rabid squirrels, but they had used a magic pottery shard that made it impossible to heal. And that is why, to this day, you have a scar across your nose," she pronounced, preening in the face of the brunette's gaping mouth.

He blinked rapidly, "...Too much like Naruto, for sure. There is literally no way you aren't some form of direct blood relation, I swear. No one can train to be that weird."

"What about Gai?"

"Everyone knows Gai isn't human." Iruka retorted reflexively.

She narrowed her eyes to assist in suppressing her smile, "According to the ninja grapevine, neither am I."

He laughed, and Laurel joined in after a second. He looked like Hermione when he laughed, and no matter how much it ached, she couldn't stop herself from revelling in it. "Fine, fine. I'll tell you." It was at that moment that the bell rung for class to start again, also signalling the end of Laurel's lunch hour.

"No!" She pouted, but Iruka only stood up so he could pick her up off his desk and set her on the ground.

"Go on, shoo."

"You're so mean," the green-eyed woman whined, tearing up in an effort to convince him to tell her anyway.

He grinned darkly, "I know. Until later, Laurel." He pushed gently between her shoulder blades and herded her out of his classroom.

She looked over her shoulder, pouting even harder and forcing the tears to leak out of her eyes. "Why would you do this to me? I thought we were friends."

"It's for your own good," Iruka patted her on the head, and she plodded despondently back to her own desk.

"I'll get it out of you one day!" Laurel vowed.

"Sure you will," the teacher called after her, deeply sarcastic before the loud calls of Academy students drowned out any other comments he might have made.

[-]

"You've gotta see this, come quick!" Yuugao dragged Anko and Naruto to hide in the bushes, where they'd have a good view of the training clearing closest to Naruto's apartment. They all crouched down, the older two combining efforts in order to hide the Jinchuuriki's chakra presence.

"What are we looking at, dattebayo?" He whispered, quiet enough the kunoichi could barely hear him.

"It's about to start, shhh."

The trio watched as Laurel and Shoukin came into view, chattering amongst themselves like normal. "...I don't know how to hide it though, it's gotta be somewhere on my throat to work effectively. That's not subtle at all, and I'm not a big fan of showcasing my rune mastery so obviously." Laurel complained, and her twin nodded in understanding.

"Maybe we can hide it when it's not in use?" Laurel shut down this suggestion with a wordless twitch of her head. "Right, it's going to be in use near-constantly. Uh, flesh-coloured bandage?" A hum of interest. Both copper-haired women focused off to the left in the next instant, though, cutting off wherever their train of thought had been heading. "Well, I guess the new one works."

"Cat!" Laurel called, and Yuugao suppressed a twitch of amusement. The twins had alerted her to their latest sealing project, and had wanted to see if they could sneak one on Cat without his notice. They'd needed the boysenberry-haired ninja to keep him distracted, and she'd been anticipating this moment for the past two days. Yuugao suppressed her chakra a little more, not wanting to ruin this.

"Hey, we know you're there. Come on, we don't bite," Shoukin smirked at the tree he was hiding in. Well, she wasn't actually sure because it was impossible to sense chakra and hide at the same time, but that's where the twins were focused.

"That is such a lie," the older whispered to her other half.

"I know," she sniggered back. "But it might convince him anyway, you never know."

Lo and behold, Tenzou shifted into the light, crouching on the second-lowest branch. His mask was tilted slightly, indicating his curiosity, but Yuugao could see the stiff way he was holding himself. _I wonder why he's nervous._

Shoukin laughed a little more, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."

"Dude, don't do that, you'll scare him off. Remember last time?" They exchanged a look, and equally evil grins were mirrored on their faces. "No, never mind, do what you will."

Surprisingly, Tenzou jumped down into the clearing. When he used his full speed to appear between the smiling civilians, it made a little more sense. He sighed, "What?" and Laurel shifted her expression to that of a sheepish innocence.

"I just wanted to ask you something. Shoukin's only teasing."

"Alright," he seemed normal, but Yuugao saw the aborted twitch for the uneasy move it was. _Seriously, what have these two been doing with him to make him this nervous. This is Kakashi-level of anxious anticipation. And everyone knows Kakashi on a rampage is right up there with a loose Shinigami, only resulting in mental scars and high emotions instead of actual death._

Laurel stepped into his chest, looking up at the mask with an innocent smile on her face. _Wait a minute, is she…?_ Anko shared an amazed look with her. Nobody else had ever had the guts to flirt with him. _Kami, no wonder he's so confused._ "I, uh..." The older twin trailed off before Shoukin shifted until she was pressed up against one of Tenzou's arms, and Yuugao saw him stop himself from stepping away. The wood-release user had nerves of steel and an unreal kind of self control.  
This was hilarious. If only Kakashi was here.

 _Speak of the devil,_ she smiled, as the man in question snuck into their hiding place. "What's happening?" He whispered in a tone even lower than Naruto had managed.

"She's flirting with Tenzou. And he hasn't run away yet."

Yuugao felt the shaking of Kakashi's shoulder where it pressed against the back of her own, and they settled back into watching the show.

Laurel licked her lips nervously, but the way her eyes never shifted belied the emotion. She was rock-steady, while Shoukin was hiding her smile by tilting her head downwards. It was fairly likely both women were containing their laughter, but she wasn't sure how perceptive they were of Tenzou's body language. That Laurel had even registered his interest spoke well of her intelligence. "Right. So." She flicked her green gaze briefly down to his shoulder, faking it properly and stretched on her tiptoes as if to whisper in his ear. She got far enough to rest a hand on his shoulder before he bailed, using a kawarimi to escape the tense moment.

Both civilians waited briefly, apparently tracking him somehow. Once he was 'out of range' or far enough that he couldn't hear them, their eyes met, and they burst into gales of delighted laughter. "Oh, holy hell, did you-"

"I know! And then when he-"

They gasped, getting more and more incoherent, though apparently still communicating with each other fine. Once they'd fallen to the ground in a puddle of amusement on the log Tenzou had left behind, they turned in unison to the bush, "Alright you can come out."

"What'd you think?"

Kakashi disappeared with a shunshin rather than confront the ginger twins, probably due to how he'd interacted with her while she was working. None of them were likely to enjoy meeting face to face. Yuugao linked hands with Naruto, who looked to be fit to bursting with questions, and Anko trailed behind them.

The spiky-haired kunoichi asked the first question, "Are you serious about it?"

Laurel looked mildly shocked at the question, "I wouldn't be doing anything if I wasn't. Why, did I give the impression I wasn't?"

Anko shook her head, and clarified, "Nah, it's just he's not used to it at all. He wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Yuu-chan knows him better than I do, and she says he's pretty guarded most of the time."

"I bet she does," Shoukin murmured, acknowledging Yuugao's job in a roundabout way. It wasn't that difficult, honestly. Even Naruto had gotten it before she'd left the first time they met with her as an actual person. The younger twin shrugged her shoulders, "Even if we haven't seen his face, he's still cute. And he takes polite to a whole new level."

"It helps that he's been watching us for over two and a half months now, and comes inside to talk when invited. The rest of his squad isn't as openly friendly. Aside from maybe Owl," Laurel hummed, winking at the boysenberry-haired kunoichi, who returned the motion.

"Hey, you wanna know the best part?" Shoukin grinned in that wolfish way she did.

The older twin's laugh chimed through the clearing, "I was just going to ask how much longer it'd take before he'd let me feed him some of my baking."

Yuugao basked in the joy that came from joking with dear friends. She'd only 'known' Laurel and Shoukin for a little more than two weeks, but the bonds that had formed were just as strong as those with her squad. Her sister grinned at her from across the circle, and she couldn't stop one of her own from brightening her face.

[-]

Shoukin glared at her from her position on the bed. The curtains were drawn, they were both in what passed as pyjamas, and Laurel was stalling. "You've put this off long enough. Naruto's graduation is next week, and we need all the information we can get."

"Hey," she protested. "Isn't this a little drastic? We've already warned Iruka about the bias, and Naruto's learnt a substitute clone from Yuugao. The Hokage is now actually fond of us after we passed the citizenship test and cleared up half of his daily paperwork. Our ANBU watchers think we're hilarious, even if apparently something tells them we're not exactly civilian-normal. Konoha ninja don't recognise us on the street unless they're actually trying, I haven't pissed off the Civilian Council in at least three days, and we solved the speed problem! We're doing okay."

"Stop messing around, Laurel. What happens when Naruto gets a sensei? We need to know our limits before we suddenly need something done and find out it's impossible. Call them!"

"No. We don't need to."

 ** _~I am here.~_** Both women jumped, not expecting it. Death stood in the corner, in front of the witch's open wardrobe, and she had the slightly hysterical thought that the being had been hiding in there for the whole conversation.

Silencing spells already cast, Shoukin didn't hesitate, "What did you do to us?"

 _ **~I ensured your survival. Without the information I implanted about the Elemental Nations you would have been executed when they first noticed you. After you came back from that, there was no peaceful solution.~**_

Laurel's eyes narrowed, "You don't care about peace."

 ** _~I do not.~_**

"Then why?"

 _ **~Because that was as you wished it.~**_

 _What the- what is this nonsense. Because I_ wished _it?_ She exchanged an incredulous look with her golem, and could see thoughts of a similar vein there.

"What else do you know?" As soon as the question left her mouth, the witch could see Shoukin wanting to cover her face at her own stupidity. "Never mind, don't bother. I guess the answer would be 'many things' or whatever. What else do we need to know?"

 _ **~I am not capable of altering living beings, not truly. I can influence them, but my purview is the dead, in all forms.~**_

"That sounds important," Laurel mused. "What kind of forms are there that we don't know of?"

Death paused, possibly running through the options and their definitions. _**~You know of ordinary dead souls and split souls. In this realm it is possible for shinobi to trade their souls for a boon, through the medium of fuuinjustu. Those are stuck in Limbo, rather than Purgatory with the rendered souls. Reanimated dead are also within my control in all ways. Reincarnation is… difficult. They are comparable to split souls in that they do not count as wholly living, but are not technically dead. Depending on the new-to-old soul ratio, my influence can be strong or as obsolete as it is for any other being.~**_ She didn't think she'd ever heard the Primordial talk so much. Clearly Death was enthusiastic about… death. Go figure.

"How do you mean 'influence'?" The magical construct sounded curious. Admittedly, speaking to a being such as Death was so uncommon as to be impossible, so the curiosity was warranted.

The Primordial hesitated again, and spoke slowly and with great care. **_~I can influence the subconscious towards certain reactions, which can, in turn, change the conscious mind. I used this on you when you first arrived by transferring information. Because you understood the source, your mind had no need to create a reason for it's existence. This is not so for the truly living.~_**

"Uh, am I translating that right? You mean you can tell someone they recognise something, and so they will. But if it's like, 'you know this person' they might make up memories to avoid feeling crazy?"

 _ **~It depends on the will and mental stability of the individual, but otherwise that is correct.~**_

Laurel's mind turned to their spun web of background. "You can influence the Uzumaki members we mentioned, then?" They inclined their head, and she exhaled in relief. That had been bothering her ever since she lectured the Hokage, and she'd felt their names slipping out of her mouth without her knowledge. "How much of what I know is true?"

 ** _~A significant amount. Your personal history is, of course, completely false, but everything else is based in fact. The people you know of do, in fact, exist, and mostly in the places you know them to be.~_**

That sounded like another point that required clarification, "...Mostly?"

 ** _~Nagisa Uzumaki is on the verge of death. Her daughter Karin is used as a hostage to keep her in the Kusagakure hospital. If you leave immediately you could probably save her from dying of chakra deprivation.~_** The being mentioned all of this in an off-hand manner that made it seem trivial, but it stirred Laurel into readiness for action.

"Where?" The being waved a hand leisurely, and mist moved from their hand to swirl into a mirror, showing an alleyway next to a hospital. "Okay, then, I'm off. Death, I assume you heal chakra deprivation by transferring your own into the subject?" She waited barely long enough to witness a positive answer before she apparated silently to the location Death had shown.

[-]

Shoukin examined the Primordial, looking for something she didn't find. "You traded favours for souls, right? Any interesting ones?"

 _ **~I have the other half of the chakra 'demon' currently sealed inside your charge's stomach, and his father who was the one to seal it there.~**_

The golem gaped for a solid 30 seconds before regaining her composure, "What the hell do you mean by 'half of' a chakra demon?"

If it had been anyone else, she would have sworn Death just sighed in aggravation at her. How rude.

[-]

Guest replies:

Guest (11/07, two chapters): Thanks! I put a lot of work into figuring out pranks and such,even if you guys have only seen one. Sadly, I do not know how to play shoji, therefore Laurel does not know how to play shoji. That might not happen, but if it does it's a while away. Uzumaki things next chapter! As you guys should all be able to tell from that ending, anyway. But I'm excited for it.

I'm very glad you're enjoying yourself! I've tried my hardest to keep everyone in character, and it's going well so far. Yeah, Iruka's pretty chill. He's really good for her. Thank you for your review! It had me smiling.


	15. Proper Death Is For Other People

Just a quick message to people who bother: the 'kunoichi hell training' scene has yet to be written. Once I have, it'll probably be shoved as a flashback somewhere, and I'll put it into #14 where it belongs chronologically in the rewrite. Sorry about that, but I hadn't finished it before the chapter needed to be posted, and I'd rather change a lot of things at once and just tell you so you can reread things. It's simpler for everyone.

Guest replies at the bottom

[-]

15: Proper Death Is For Other People

[-]

It was only after she'd apparated that Laurel realised she was still in her pyjamas, and the only reason she had her wand on her was because she never took it out of the invisible holster on her arm. _I've gotten lazy,_ she berated herself. Her potions collection was in the lamp, along with her armour sets, invisibility cloak, elder wand and battle runestones. She was back to basics, wonderful.

She didn't let it bother her long, Death had said immediately, which implied a fairly tight window for success. First was saving Nagisa, second was keeping her alive, and third was getting her out of the village. Any place that had to use children to keep someone inside was not going to be doing good things. _At least I know what this place looks like, now._

She started her spell-chain, not wanting to risk getting caught for multiple reasons. " **Quae redolent** , **speculum quietam** , **calor obscuratur** , **inpercussus** , **omnem effugiat**." She looked around, and briefly considered going in through the front door, but in all honesty the hospital resembled a kicked-over bee's nest. _Right, through the wall it is._

Just in case, Laurel collected all her magic inside her magical core between her lungs. It reduced the chance of anyone unconsciously sensing her magic, and being on guard. There had been a couple hypersensitives that had found her while on Auror duty, but the rest of them had never noticed a thing. " **Inveniet Nagisa Uzumaki** ," Laurel asked for the vertical location as well, but was surprised when Nagisa was on the ground floor, apparently in the foyer. With no time for more consideration, and knowing the place was going to be full of injured and emotional people, she temporarily vanished the section in front of her and stepped through. Another notice-me-not should keep people from finding it - _I really need some kind of illusion to cast instead, because ninja are a whole 'nother level of paranoid to fool_ \- and she followed her wand to the main room, just in time to see a cherry-haired woman collapse.

Her skin was grey, face drawn and weary, and her unresponsiveness sent everyone around her into a panic. _Considering the timing, I think this is Nagisa._ Laurel apparated over, nearly landing on top of a couple ninja, one who was just finishing biting her arm.

 _What the fuck, ninjas. People are not for eating!_ The witch didn't waste time, while she was complaining internally she was casting the diagnostic spell that had been pounded into her head by the healer. The information she got back was nothing like what she was used to, words running through her head like gibberish. She decided to ignore that, and hope there was nothing else wrong with Nagisa aside from chakra deprivation.

Crouching, she laid her hand on the tall woman's neck and channelled some of the more energetic threads from her core directly into Nagisa's carotid artery to preserve her brain and get blood flow going again. After a minute of infusion, the Uzumaki's pulse was strong and steady, though she was still unconscious. With her patient safe, Laurel could finally deal with the panicking people around her, who probably thought Nagisa was actually properly dead.

She could use that, and although she had the bare bones of a plan, she needed to know more about Karin before the witch decided for sure. As long as Kusa didn't think Nagisa survived, it would probably work out. Time for a little bit of a prank, though, to make sure no one would question the missing body.

 _Okay, need to change my hair colour to a middling grey so I look colourless, I need to look a little more ghostly, but a patchy disillusionment charm should do the trick. Most people have never met a ghost, so sometimes-there, sometimes-not is a good substitute. Transfigure the clothes… and the face. Wow, wish I could conjure a mirror without alerting everyone to there being some trickery going on. Fix my eye colour to grey - here's hoping she has light coloured eyes. Change the haircut to shoulder-length and straight, fix face in an expression of agony, and we should be good to go!_ She simultaneously cast a wandless **finite** with her left hand and a rookie's disillusionment charm with her right.

Laurel looked around at the horrified room and surreptitiously cast a proper invisibility charm on the Uzumaki woman while she distracted them with a wordless, soul-rending keen. The problem with invisibility spells was they were basically an imprint of the surrounding area, which meant they weren't mobile. As long as Nagisa didn't shift more than 5 centimeters, it would hold. Laurel was planning on apparating them out anyway.

She let the keen fade, and at the moment it ended, she focused everything she was on apparating back to the apartment with the woman lying on one of her feet. Apparating was easiest when only transporting one, since every person had a pretty accurate idea of what was them and what was not. Side-along generally required the other person to supply the 'self', but in the more complex situation the instigator had to compensate. So, when taking an unwilling or unconscious person, or a child, or a muggle who didn't have the magically-bound sense of self for a witch to springboard off, Laurel had to encase them with mental magic to insure nothing got left behind.

On top of that, the type of contact also affected things, mirrored ones were best because all limbs were in generally the same position which was more instinctual. Laurel's foot was tucked under Nagisa's shoulder, so if she didn't focus properly, the likelihood of splinching was about 90% with a 50% chance of it being fatal.

Luckily for everyone involved she was pretty good at apparating, having trained herself to use it in battle after hearing Tonks and Moody discussing it at one of the Order meetings. Well, she'd had to wait until she was legally allowed to know it before she could use it publicly, but she'd known how to after bothering Sirius and Remus into teaching her.

Death and Shoukin were still in the same spots they had been when she left, so the witch told Shoukin to look after Nagisa while she went back to Kusa to undo her spellwork and track down Karin. She needed to figure out which of her plans was the most viable. Though this time she cast a switching spell with her clothes from the day before and her pyjamas, then undid the transfigurations she'd used to make herself look like Nagisa's ghost before she left. Laurel didn't _actually_ want to scare Karin into submission.

She'd make it look like the Uzumaki's body got moved to her home or something. They wouldn't bother looking into how because ghosts were too ridiculous to take seriously, and there was no other way Nagisa had done it herself when she was 'dead'. Shaking her head to get rid of the distractions, she popped back to the original place Death had shown her, recast her stealth spells (plus the invisibility cloak because overkill was the best kind of kill) and went back through the hole she'd made previously.

The hospital was still a mess of panicked people, though this time is was more outright terror. She admired her work with satisfaction, because that's what the assholes deserved. Children were for protecting, something which these Kusa shinobi apparently didn't know. Laurel was getting sidetracked again, when she wasn't sure she had the time to. _Best get down to it, then._

She snuck around the hospital, mostly just to see if anyone had gone looking for the missing body yet, but all she heard were younger and less-professional civilian medics verbally flailing over Nagisa's vanishing body, while the shinobi shushed them and whispered to each other about her death. There didn't seem to be many ninja medics and those she did see were treating minor wounds only.  
Laurel had a little time to sort things out before faking Nagisa's dead body moving to somewhere 'significant'. A 'point me' led her to the Uzumaki household, and another one told her that Karin was inside. She knocked politely on the door, and waited for the source of clattering to open it.

"Good evening," Laurel smiled. "I'm Gekkeiju Uzumaki and I need to ask you a couple questions about your living conditions here in Kusagakure, and what I can do to make them more pleasant for both you and your mother before they manage to kill her permanently."

The girl in front of had the same cherry-red hair as Nagisa, the pale skin that looked as if it was the exact same shade as Laurel's own, and eyes that were enough shades of red brighter to count as crimson. She was wearing an open green shirt with an upturned collar and sleeves to her elbows over a mesh outfit, and a subdued purple mini-skirt. Karin's hair framed her face oddly, layered on one side and looking jagged and spiky because of it, while the other half was smooth and sleek, offset by the oval glasses perched on her nose. The girl looked more than a little taken aback, "Huh?"

"Right. Logical progression, Laurel, you can do this." She muttered to herself, hoping to put Karin a little bit at ease. "So, I just stopped your mother from dying in the hospital of chakra deprivation. In the process of getting her out, I also made it looked like she died for real and took her to a safe place." At the genin's horrified face, the witch rushed to correct the girl's assumptions, "No, she's fine, I swear. Just unconscious. I gave her enough of my chakra to keep her system running, and she shouldn't have any permanent damage. Well, as long as she doesn't continue doing her bite thingamie. Healing people is all well and good, but at the cost of your own life? That's just stupid."

"She didn't have much of a choice!" Karin protested, and the ginger-haired woman could have cheered. Now they had a reason to take this off the street.

"Can we talk about this inside? It's probably better no one catches us talking about blackmail and treason in relation to the Kusagakure power structure."

She nodded, and opened the door for the older female. Laurel stepped into the house, seeing ragged mats on the floor, bare walls and threadbare furniture. Nothing was dirty or messy, just old and second- or third-hand, and worn down to the bone. Considering the place was about a minute away from the hospital, it was a true sign of their status in the village that the Uzumaki survivors had a home like this. It was only two rooms, with the bathroom being separate from the rest of the space while the lounge was also a bedroom and open to the kitchen.

"Okay, down to business. Karin - that is your name right? You're Nagisa's daughter?" She nodded in confirmation, and Laurel arranged herself on one of the cushions the girl indicated. "Right, so what I know is that your mum heals people, Kusa used you to keep her in line, and she nearly died. Without me, she definitely would've."

"Where is she, can I see her?" Laurel started shaking her head as soon as she figured out what Karin wanted.

"Sorry, we need to sort out what's happening first so this doesn't happen again. I can't guarantee that I can be back in time again, and there's no way I can stay," the witch apologised, knowing it would only help a little. "On the other hand, I just need to know a couple things and then I can bring her back here. Okay?"

She nodded, blinking away tears, "You're sure she's alright?"

"Positive. I have a friend looking after her, too, so if something happens while I'm not there Nagisa's still protected. First thing I need to know, what will happen to you if Kusa thinks your mum's dead?"

"Uh, not much I guess? I'm a genin, and they can't use me the way they did with her unless I'm a chuunin. My Jounin-sensei is one of Mum's friends so he won't let me heal people unless it's really important."

Laurel hummed in thought, concluding "So they'll probably try to promote you as soon as possible then."

"Yeah, probably," Karin nodded, pushing her glasses back up her nose and schooling herself into a neutral expression. Aww, baby ninja are adorable.

Laurel blessed her Potter luck as she realised how perfectly this was set up. No reason not to take advantage of her good fortune, since the bad luck would come to pass either way. "Lucky for us the next Chuunin Exam is in Konoha, since the other one is already in progress right now. Your sensei isn't going to give you a field promotion?"

"Not when he knows what that would be condemning me to. Heiji-sensei wouldn't do that, and they know it."

It was good to hear that there were actually decent people in this village. "So you've got six months to survive and train without them knowing anything about Nagisa. That's good." Laurel checked that everything lined up, thinking about the time frame and what needed to be done on her end, and whether Karin could actually do what was needed.  
"Okay, with that I have a plan. Do you know where Heiji lives? Does he have a partner?" Karin indicated a positive and then a negative. "Excellent. I need you to ask him if he's willing to take Nagisa in until the chuunin exams. She needs to be someone else, and if she's with your sensei then you can still see her easily. She needs to find a reason to come to Konoha with you for the exams, it can be anything really. Moving villages, moral support, learning iryo ninjutsu, whatever. Then you two can join me in Konoha and we can work on reviving the Uzumaki clan like we'd planned."

Crimson eyes widened in confusion, "You know my mum?"

"Ahh, right," Laurel faked a disappointed sigh, as if sad Nagisa hadn't mentioned her. "Yeah, we're cousins of a sort. I thought she'd told you about me. I was here a few weeks back talking to her about restarting the Uzumaki clan in Konoha. I've been on a kind of pilgrimage, following the contacts my parents left me and asking any Uzumaki I can find whether they'd be interested. I always wanted a big family, and from what I can tell someone really wants our bloodline wiped out. I'm very interested in spiting them, y'know?"

She nodded very seriously, which looked about as adorable as when Naruto did it. "I can see why. Is that why you went to Konoha?"

"Yeah. I'm in the middle of talks with the Hokage now that I'm a registered citizen. So far there are two of us, but I don't think I'm really cut out to be clan head when I wasn't raised the Uzumaki way, so once I got the all-clear I was going to send messages to everyone I've met along the way to call them back."

"Wait, does that mean there's not actually a place for us yet?" The genin frowned in concern.

Laurel did what she could to reassure her. It wasn't just Karin on the line, after all, and the concern was warranted. "No. But you've got to remember I still have six months, and everything's going well so far. Even if restarting the clan isn't possible immediately by the time the chuunin exams come around, can't your sensei sponsor you if you decided you wanted to switch allegiance to Konoha? I know there'll be politics to consider, but if you inform the Hokage about how bad it really is for you here, then he should be pretty interested in keeping you in his village. At the very least we can rely on a village leader's desire for power."

"Does that mean I can see my Mum now?"

The ginger held up one hand, "You just need to go talk to your sensei first. I'll bring her while you're busy, and if he says no I think all three of us can come up with something else. If he agrees, get him to come with you, alright?"

Karin nodded decisively as she walked over to the door, saying "I'll be back in five minutes."

Laurel fixed Nagisa's house in her mind properly so she could land the unconscious Uzumaki on her bed, and returned to the apartment.

To cover all of her bases, she asked, "Death, have you encouraged Nagisa into knowing me?"

 ** _~It was done before she came. All essential Uzumaki 'know' you, but according to their memories you suggested they keep things quiet in case things fell through.~_**

"I thought you said you couldn't manipulate memories?"

 _ **~I cannot. But I can make them think they recognise you, and that sharing any knowledge of you is a bad idea, but keeping it secret is for a good reason related to the rest of the people they love.~**_

"Right." She shook her head, "I don't think I wanna know how that works exactly." Shoukin had moved Nagisa onto the bed, and was sitting next to her with a hand on her forehead. "How's she doing?"

The construct removed her hand with a huff, nudging the wand at her side as she halted her spell, "I've got no clue. The diagnostic keeps coming out with gibberish. We might need to recalibrate it, or use it on enough subjects to figure out the meaning. Or find an anatomy book to relearn it. Something."

Shoukin was capable of normal 'floating light' magic, but was mostly restricted by the fact that her rune-lattice was the part that conducted magic. To make a traditional spell, she had to force it from a specific point, which wasted magic because it needed to be both mentally shaped and overcharged.

Unless she was using Laurel's wand, or one of the spares she'd collected over time, it was easier for her to use physical contact. She felt more comfortable without a wand because it came more naturally to her, even if using one did amplify the power. When Shoukin was being her double, she used the elder wand, which only required approval of the object's master, rather than choosing it's magical partner like her holly wand did. They weren't similar enough for Laurel's wand to choose them both, but it had in the beginning when Laurel and Shoukin were still in personality trait negotiations.

"That's what I thought, too. Does that mean we need to go over our entire repertoire just in case something else is faulty?"

Shoukin shrugged, "Well, normally we wouldn't have bothered waiting to do that. It's only 'cause we're under so much scrutiny with no subtle way of avoiding it after you gave me away. Aside from maybe using the lamp, and we both know how you feel about spending unnecessary time in there."

"It was the simplest solution, and I figured it'd freak them out a little less than outright spellwork. It's too late to complain about it now. We can do it in the lamp, what's possible anyway. I'll just have to get over myself again. I need to take Nagisa back to her house, I've got a plan for how we can sort this." The witch turned to the Primordial, who was still ruling over the corner of her 'bedroom'. "Anything else I need to know?"

They considered this, before eventually answering. **_~Do not forget to explain the teleportation in some way.~_**

Laurel realised that was what had been bugging her about this whole situation, so she grabbed Nagisa's prone hand and simply vanished in a flurry of curse words.

[-]

Karin and Heiji took a little while to arrive, so Laurel used the time to gather her thoughts and come up with some kind of feasible excuse for being able to teleport across borders. _The Fourth and Second Hokages both had some kind of fuuinjutsu to do so, though for obvious reasons the book never specified. Problem with that is they might want proof, and I can't just make up random runes._ She paused in her pacing, considering that seriously for a moment before discarding it. _Well, I can, but if I ever do make something similar to their kind of teleportation, Karin at the least will know the difference. But runes in general is not a bad excuse._

The witch sat down on a cushion and rested her chin on one fist as she figured it out. _Could be a single-use rune for a round trip, and monitors the health of the target object? That's how I felt Nagisa dying, because the connection started getting bad, so I used it and hoped I could help before it broke entirely. If I make sure to leave before they can look her over or she changes clothes, I can say it faded into nothing after I used it to get back. Perfect!_

She checked on Nagisa again and was pleased when the woman groaned in answer to her gentle coaxing. She might even wake up before Karin returned, and so Laurel went about making tea for all of them because the witch had no clue how long this meeting might take. As the water finished boiling, Nagisa finally regained consciousness with a weary sigh and the shifting of blankets. "Laurel?" She sounded both dazed and very concerned, "What are you doing here?"

Smiling, she turned to the woman that she felt she knew only due to Death's manipulations, "Saving your life, apparently. Here, I made tea. Karin will be back soon."

"...Back from where? What happened? The last thing I remember is the hospital," she took the offered cup and breathed in the steam to steady herself.

"It's okay, I can explain. We've just a little bit of a problem that needs solving, and Karin's hopefully getting her sensei's agreement to help." Laurel perched on a pillow next to the bed where Nagisa could see her easily. "First off, you collapsed in the hospital and nearly died. I managed to restart your system before it was permanent, but you were dead for a while there. I may have convinced the hospital in general that you actually died and your ghost stole your corpse?" She winced, acting as if they were friendly and familiar. It wasn't hard with the extra memories Death had flicked into her head before she left.

Nagisa followed her lead, running a hand across her face. "I don't even want to know what you did, do I?"

"Uh, not really, no." The ginger smiled sheepishly. "On the other hand we're plotting to keep you out of the hospital for the rest of your life and moving to Konoha?"

"Oh Kami, Laurel. You don't do things by halves, do you," she brushed her hair out of her grey eyes, and took a fortifying sip of tea. "Alright, hit me with it."

"Well, since the village at large think you're dead and dead people aren't expected to heal anyone, I thought you could stay that way for a while and pretend to be Heiji's partner or long-lost relative-" Laurel's sense of humour was actually as bad as her golem's in some cases. That was one example.

"You're funny."

"-I know I am! So then all we need to do is make you look like someone else for about 6 months, and then you come with Karin to the Konoha Chuunin Exams. Because, you know, the village wants her promoted and Karin says Heiji won't do it knowing what she'll end up used for, so the exams are their only hope. And then you guys join Konoha and help me reinstate the Uzumaki clan and then you can be clan head and Kusa can't touch you!"

Nagisa must have caught onto the part in that Laurel was 'trying' to hide. "Wait, what do you mean I can be clan head?"

"Oh, that?" She shifted nervously on her seat. "I uh. I thought maybeyoucoulddoit?"

Her flint-coloured eyes watched her, amusement tweaking the corners of her lips, "What made you think I would want to?"

There was a knock on the door that interrupted Laurel's impending babble, and Karin walked in holding the hand of a black-haired wall of a man. His head brushed the top of the doorway, and the green-eyed woman had to stop herself from gaping. _Another one?! At this rate, I'm gonna have to assume extensive use of chakra makes people grow lots. There's no other reason for everyone being so damned tall!_

"Mum!" Karin leapt onto the bed and wrapped her arms around the older woman's waist. "You're okay!"

"Sure am, sweetheart," Nagisa's irrepressible cheerfulness made an appearance at last. "Heiji this is my cousin, Laurel. She's in Konoha trying to get permission to restart our clan." As if finally hearing what she was saying, the Uzumaki woman turned on her. "Actually, how did you get here? You never said."

Laurel flicked her eyes around the room, "I might possibly have undervalued my fuuinjutsu talents on purpose."

"Laurel," the cherry-haired adult groaned, "What does that _mean_."

She spoke each sentence like it was a move in a chess match, one in front of the other. "I planted one of my seals on you. One that tells me if you're okay. And also lets me teleport from where I am to where you are. And back." She smiled endearingly at the room, hoping no one would ask where she'd put it.

Nagisa huffed a laugh, "Yeah, that sounds like you. I guess that's why we're sorting everything out now, then."

"You ever heard the phrase 'strike while the iron is hot'? That's what we're doing. Also because opportunity waits for no one, and we can use this," the copper-haired woman winked. "So, back on task. I can make a convincing mimic of your dead body and leave it here so people don't start actually thinking about what I did in the hospital. A ghost moving a body is fine, but one vanishing into thin air is gonna cause some doubts about whether you're actually dead. Make sense?" A trio of nods.  
"Cool, next step: hide the real Nagisa! So, this is where you come in Heiji. Would you be willing to have her living with you until the Chuunin exams? We'll disguise her so she looks like someone else, but she'll need someone to confirm her cover. Also if you could say she's been here for a few days, sick from travel or something, that'd be great. It's less suspicious."

"That only works if she's signed in at the gate, but otherwise I think I can handle that."

"Don't worry about it, I can sort it. I'll do that in a couple minutes, and while I'm gone you can hammer out the story. Before we get onto that though, step three!" Now she looked to Karin, "You're going to need to really sell it. Maybe try imagining what it'd be like if she'd actually died, and not go see her for a few days. Because she's the only other person in your life, maybe a month of grief. You can be angry or sullen or sad, whatever works. You can even go full-on zombie if you want. It could be fun. After that, jump into your training like there's nothing else in life."  
The witch grinned mischievously, "Learn all the things you can before you leave, and the more things that are exclusive to Kusa, the better. It's not like they actually deserve any of your loyalty, right?" Karin giggled and nodded in agreement.

"Back to you, Heiji-sensei. You need to nominate your team for the next Chuunin Exams. There'll probably be some kind of political pressure for you to do so, and you can resist all you want as long as you guys come to Konoha. Maybe you could use that to get Nagisa to come with you? You're smart; you can figure things out for yourself."  
"Now, for my part I'll work on convincing the Hokage to take you guys in and sorting out clan stuff. Nagisa, please, please can you be clan head?" She inclined her head, cherry hair shifting to fall in front of her face. "Thank you! I will bake you tasty things when you come live with me. Alright, any questions?"

"I have one," Heiji spoke in a deep rumbling voice which would probably suit a guy from Iwa, it was so earthy. "Why can't you plant another of your seals so if you need to you can return?"

Laurel stopped herself from visually freaking out, and made up the most plausible excuse she could think of off the top of her head, "It takes a couple hours' prep and I don't have any of the required tools. Also If I'm not back in the next, uh...2 hours? People will notice I'm not there and bad things will happen."

When no one else seemed to think of anything, the witch clapped her hands to get them energised. "Okay, Nagisa, I'm gonna need a new name for you so I can sign you in. What have you got for me?"

She frowned, probably running through names she felt she could respond to, "Ryoko."

"Last name?"

"Uh," She sucked her cheeks in and pulled a fish face. "Way to put me on the spot. How about Murai?"

Laurel nodded, standing up. "Good enough. You guys can plot things while I'm gone, and I'll come back to tell you when you came into the village. If there's anything else you need before I leave, now would be a good time to think of it."

She wandered out the front door, and paused while she decided where to go. "You know what? Screw it." The ginger witch pulled her invisibility cloak on and followed her wand as it led her to the appropriate paperwork. _Ginny, I miss you so much. And I never thought I'd be using this spell as much as I have been._ Laurel used the time spent reaching her destination to reapply her sneaky spells, and enjoyed the short climb to the second floor or what looked like the administration building.

The streets got emptier the further from the hospital she got, though the ones between the main gate and the hospital were still reasonably active. Clearly something interesting was going on, but Laurel had other priorities and couldn't be bothered with some risky investigation that may or may not be worth it. She unlocked the window, slid through the opening and after finding the correct filing cabinet, started rifling through for the Kusagakure gate register.

The green-eyed woman slapped it down on a nearby convenient desk and flicked through the ones for the past week, looking for a gap she could fill in. There was one from two days ago, and unlike Konoha which had two lists, one for shinobi and the other for civilians, Kusa had one list and a box for the person to mark whether they were a civilian or shinobi.

 _That makes my life a little easier,_ she thought, copying in 'Ryoko Murai' as a civilian, making an effort to do so with the same handwriting as the guard. Kusa only bothered with physical descriptions for foreign shinobi, so that was easy to ignore. From what she knew, Nagisa wasn't actually a ninja anyway, just capable of healing any wound as long as the person wasn't already dead. Death seemed confident she could regenerate entire limbs, which struck Laurel as just as crazy as magic. _Clearly I'm never going to pass for anything even close to sane with these kind of influences._

She replaced everything back to where it had been previously, and sealed the window behind her as she ditched. What a wild adventure, she thought mockingly. _Just like old times._ Actually, it was pretty similar to the first time she'd snuck into the Restricted Section, minus the screaming books and ornery caretaker out to get her. Laurel ran back to Nagisa's house, mentally thanking Naruto for forcing her to run all those laps with him. It'd been one of the more frustrating kinds of training they did together, but it had helped with her stamina overall.

She darted through the door, grinning at the people in the room, "Alright then, who wants to watch me make a fake corpse?"

[-]

Shoukin was studying one of their appropriated library books when Laurel finally returned for good. "It's past curfew, young lady, what have you got to say for yourself?" She joked, and the witch chose to throw herself onto the bed.

The green-eyed woman spoke into the pillow, "I had to make a dead body from scratch. That's what I have to say for myself." She lifted her head, and examined the way the golem sat stiffly and didn't seem to be able to focus on the object in her hands. "What's up with you? Please tell me no one else is on the verge of dying. Reruns have always been boring."

"No one else is on the verge of dying that we care about," her twin murmured, eyes flicking from one side of the page to the other and back. It was a good mockery, if Laurel hadn't known exactly how Shoukin looked when she was reading.

"Where's our gloomy acquaintance?" She rolled over and flopped into the other woman's lap, pushing the book out of her hands so it thumped to the floor.

"Back to their favourite occupation." Shoukin ignored the finger poking at her cheek.

"No, seriously. What's wrong?" The golem mumbled something under her breath, but Laurel couldn't make out any actual words. She pretended to clean out her ear, "Wanna try that again?"

"...I know why the village hates Naruto?"

"Okay," She contemplated this with all solemnity. "Why is that bothering you?"

It all came flooding out in one big mess.

"Naruto's the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, and somehow the whole village learnt about it even though it was an S-rank secret. His dad was the Fourth Hokage, and he's the one who sealed it in Naruto, but only half because he took the other half with him when he traded his soul to Death so that Naruto's seal would be super clever and also because he didn't have time to do a different kind of seal. The fact that the Fourth is his dad is also S-rank, but for some reason this one didn't get leaked and Naruto even looks just like him and I'm not entirely sure why this upsets me so badly, it just does."

"I, uh. Wow." Laurel blinked dazedly as she tried to assimilate this new information. "Okay, lemme see if I got all of that. The village hates Naruto because he's a Jinchuuriki. The Fourth Hokage - who just so happens to be our sweet little boy's dad - was the one to seal it in him, using one of Death's super-awesome, instant-success, seal-for-a-soul thingies." She stopped for a deep breath, "On top of this, Number Four took one half of the demon with him, so Naruto only has one half. Both the fact that Naruto has part of a demon in him and that he's the son of the Fourth are S-rank secrets, but somehow the whole of Konoha knows about his Jinchuuriki status anyway. I think that's everything?"

"And Naruto looks exactly like his dad, but with whiskers, so how they know about the Kyuubi and not that, when it should be the other way around I really have no clue," Shoukin spoke with a bleak look on her face, but the witch could tell she was near tears.

"What I really wanna know is what gave this guy the idea that it was possible to even split a chakra… thing in half. And then why he did it anyway! Wouldn't that hurt?" Laurel wiggled up the bed until her head was in the golem's lap and she could warm her up, in the absence of the true comfort they found in a solution.

"Well, we can ask him."

Her head shot up so she could look the other woman straight in the face, "You're joking."

A weak smile pulled at her mouth, "I am not. Death said we could. Just hafta ask." The witch closed her eyes as if to block out the absurdity that was her life.

When she found the will to live again, she muttered a few derisive words. "Dude, why does this keep happening? I swear, fate must play the most intricate game of 'dollhouse' ever. I get the feeling there is a cosmic being out there laughing at me."

"Dude," Shoukin drawled, "We _know_ there is a cosmic being out there laughing at you, and by extension, me."

Pouting, Laurel clarified, "Well, then I mean more than one. And that's beside the point. The point is, our life is absurd." She scoffed, "'Just ask' indeed."

"That's what they said!"

The witch rolled her eyes, "Well, what do you think? Should we?"

Shoukin shrugged, "Eh, why not, right?"

"That's the spirit."

[-]

Kakashi ran past his apartment to grab a different Icha Icha before he went to report. Admittedly, he was cutting it pretty close since the Hokage's time limit expired in less than half an hour, but the books were worth it.

The months out of Konoha had done terrible things for his reading habits and he'd found himself resorting to reading the trashy romance novels he actually enjoyed, just to stop himself from pulling his hair out.

The problem with disguising himself as a normal person on intelligence missions was that he was forced to act like a normal person. At least with a book he was allowed to ignore them without most taking offence.

The silver-haired ninja bounced off three roofs, one tree and through Asuma's apartment on his way to the combined Academy-Mission Assignment-Hokage's office building. He loitered long enough to piss Boar off enough he gave him the finger, and gleefully bounced in through the open window to lean against the opposite wall.

Hiruzen simply sighed at his antics. "Must you?"

"Why ask questions you already know the answer to?"

"In the hopes of receiving a different answer," the village leader replied dryly. "Now, what did you find out?"

"I've heard that's what insanity is: repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result," he deflected entirely on reflex. Hiruzen said nothing, knowing how he got after more than a week without being himself. Or rather, how he pretended to be. The difference between the mask and the reality wasn't much, but it helped him stay sane.

In all seriousness, "She does appear to be telling the truth. The only people who really remembered her were the innkeepers and the Uzumaki members themselves. Before here she was in Kusa, but otherwise she's been to lots of the minor countries, and two of the major ones aside from here."  
The Hokage waved him on. "She's checked in Iwa and Kumo, but only found one Uzumaki between them, and he's dead from a rockfall a couple months back, which was why she left. Otherwise, she somehow managed to get invited into Taki and got in contact with a couple there - they're the expectant parents and she's due in three months. There's a mother-daughter pair in Kusa, siblings from Ame, siblings with partners and children from Shimo, a father and his newborn baby in Tani, and several groups scattered in Yu."

Kakashi paused again, wondering what he would ask next. "How many did she speak with?"

"Just the leaders of each group. Apparently she didn't want to upset their lifestyles too much if it didn't work out, but she needed to know approximate numbers of who was willing to risk it at all." He didn't say that he thought it was a good idea to do it that way, but Hiruzen could probably guess. Laurel was surprisingly shrewd for a civilian-raised.

"How does her story match up with what you found?"

"All proof I found only validated it. I found what used to be her childhood home, although the family that used to live there is dead by about five years. It wasn't anything suspicious, but from what the neighbours could tell me she was treated a lot like Naruto. Apparently for the first four years she lived there, none of them had a clue there was even a second child in the house. Very quiet, had a lot of chores everyday and wore second-hand clothes, probably from her male cousin of the same age. There were a lot of rumours floating around about her being a troublemaker and prankster, but no evidence of it.  
She left a month after her 11th birthday, and was only seen with her relatives for maybe a month every year until her 17th, and after that she wasn't seen around there again. It wasn't long afterwards when her relatives moved to Nami no Kuni, and no one's heard from them since."

The ex-ANBU debated internally about whether anything needed to be said, but it might be important. "When I visited the Land of Waves, it looked pretty desolate, and after I couldn't find anything about Laurel's relatives, I asked about that before I left. From what I heard, it sounds like a new crime syndicate has started up and the leader Gatou is slowly creating a stranglehold on the island. At the moment he's only got mercenaries on his payroll, but he's got enough money to tempt a missing-nin or two." Kakashi frowned, "Is there a reason our intelligence hasn't picked up on that?"

The Hokage nodded, "There's been little traffic in or out. The only seaworthy boats are fishing ones, or Gatou's ferry, and Jiraiya says most of his spies aren't comfortable with that level of scrutiny and those that are, are tied up in Kiri and Ame affairs, or looking into some important rumours about Orochimaru." Hiruzen nodded absently, running over the new information in case he wanted clarification. Kakashi's slate-grey eye traced over the picture of his sensei on the wall while he waited.

"What's your personal opinion on her?" _There we go._

"I think she's trustworthy when it comes to her verbalised intentions, but I don't think that's all of why she's here. She's a clever enough liar to tell us enough true things to keep us complacent so she can hide more important things. I'm pretty sure she genuinely wants the best for Naruto, but if that means keeping him in Konoha, I couldn't say." He paused, analysing all he'd heard on the mission.  
"She's intelligent, from what I've heard about her from the Uzumaki. Approached each of them in a way made to put them at ease, and usually waited until the end of the first meeting to introduce herself in full. Laurel's been a leader long enough for some things to stick, though I'm not sure if she likes the responsibility or just doesn't trust anyone else to take proper care of her people. She's also very good at digging up information, and you can probably use that if you give her something interesting but incomplete."  
This time he stopped for effect, "For example, most of the books in the Konoha General Library." _Bet she'll raid the Archives as soon as she finds them, and find them as soon as someone tells her they exist._

Kakashi seriously considered the curious gap he'd not found an answer for yet: why Laurel - or Shoukin, as it might have been, but considering she was pretending to be the original either way it was probably valid for both - was so resistant to power figures, and especially being used as a tool. The shinobi theorised it was part of why she reacted to the Hokage the way she did and a possible contributor to the complete lack of any kind of honourific.

He withheld a hum of interest, and flipped open his Icha Icha to the first page, receiving a wave of a female's scent for his trouble. Actually, that was multiple. Three or less. Kakashi inhaled in the way that maximised his scenting capabilities.

 _One of them is Yuugao, that's the faintest, she probably barely touched it. The second is… familiar. I've had personal contact with her before. Might have read it? The third, the strongest is one I've found on Yuugao before. Maybe one of her friends. She definitely did. Probably the one who stole it, simply because of the saturation. Kept at her house long enough that it sunk into every page._

 _It doesn't matter. I'll find them eventually. After all, there's only so many places to hide in Konoha, and I'm sure the ones I don't know I can encourage Naruto into pointing out._

[-]

Villages mentioned:  
Kusa: Grass  
Taki: Waterfall  
Ame: Rain  
Shimo: Frost  
Tani: River  
Yu: Hot water

Guest replies:

Guest (15/07): Your enthusiastic response was awesome! I'm very happy to hear about people enjoying things so thoroughly, and I just *incoherent happy squeaks*. Just because Iruka doesn't prank and he's 'responsible' now doesn't mean he doesn't have a sense of humour! I also really wanna know why his scar is so straight, and it's bothered me ever since we were introduced to the character. It's specifically a scar, which means it had to be an injury at some point and I have no clue how it could be anything other than deliberate.

Guest (17/07, RE: Go): Thank you for the advice, that makes it about 10 times more likely that it will appear at some point in the story! I'm always open to getting help (or someone who actually knows what they're talking about. Pulling stuff out of my ass all the time can be a bit stressful - also, wrong) and I will take what you've said on board. Thanks for your help!

Guest (17/07): Thank you for your kind words, and I plan to write this to its end. Where that end might be, I'm not sure yet, but I'll find out eventually! (Maybe you shouldn't be skipping work, though? I guess as long as no one noticed...)


	16. Hunting For Answers

Sorry for lateness! I had a lot of issues with this chapter and some assignments, which made for a very frustrated writer.

Thank you to AnFan-n-More for their help! Guest replies at the bottom.

[-]

16: Hunting For Answers

[-]

"You know, Mister Four, I don't think we actually know your name," Laurel narrowed her eyes as she tried to remember it from the history textbook, and failed. It had only been mentioned maybe twice in the whole 'sung praises' of his genius talents and fearsome abilities. "Nope, no idea."

She held out a hand to the (tall!) blonde man, who honestly did look like a grown-up Naruto minus whisker markings and plus the length of his hair over again. He was wearing the standard blue of a Jounin, with the khaki-green flak vest and weird sandals. He had a kunai holder strapped to each leg, two bands over each of his sleeves to keep them tight against his body and an obnoxious white with red flame patterns cloak on top of all of that. _Clearly Naruto's lack of colour-subtlety is inherited_ _._ "Hi, I'm Gekkeiju Uzumaki, and I'm the person in charge of caring for your son, Naruto. That's my twin, Shoukin."

"Minato Namikaze," he shook the offered appendage, smiling cheerfully down at her. "Uzumaki, eh? You must be related to my wife, Kushina."

"So he is a born Uzumaki, I was wondering. Has anyone ever told you Naruto looks exactly like you? Because he really, really does. In ways that are reminiscent of cloning, actually." _Maybe I can learn more about Kushina, too._

She sat down on the bed while Minato looked pleased, "Really? Excellent." He must've seen the way her face screwed up. She wanted to say something, but didn't want to upset him. "Not excellent?"

Shoukin hummed from where she sat at the table. Minato was within the ring of curtains the golem had woven layers of subtle sound suppression and the runic 'this is what you expect it to be' normality equivalent into, so the ANBU wouldn't notice what was going on. Because Shoukin was outside of the safety area, she had be careful with what she said. Their watchers knew they were occasionally insomniacs, but not the true extent or what they actually did.

The construct answered his question with one of her own, "That depends on why it was sealed inside, and what you wanted for your child, honestly. What were you thinking?" She spoke softly, not accusing but wondering.

"I was thinking he'd be a hero," the man admitted. "That he'd prove himself worthy of his sacrifice, and grow up strong and loved. That he'd take what the Kyuubi could do and make Konoha even greater."

 _To have such hope, such faith… and have it turn out like it has? I think it might break him._ She steeled herself, "To put it bluntly, the village in general hates him as the incarnation of the Kyuubi. If you want more detail, I can give it to you, but it won't be nice."

A shadow passed over Minato's summer-blue eyes, and he sat down abruptly on the bed across from the witch. He sighed, shaking his head and looking at his empty hands, but eventually looked up. The stubborn determination was so different from the cheerful enthusiasm that there was a moment of mental dissonance as Laurel absorbed this new facet of his character. _I shouldn't have forgotten what being the Hokage would require. No true leader can only make easy decisions, and in a ninja village that would only be more prominent. Wars are never nice. I should have known better than to assume_.

"I survived two wars and became the Hokage of Konoha on my own merits. No clan, no parents, nothing but the people I chose," he stared her down, and poison-eyed witch could see it in him. He seemed to recognise an equal in her, and the similarities between them burned like ice inside her ribs. _So much pain, so many regrets._ "Tell me what I need to know about my son."

Shoukin stayed silent, letting her creator take the lead. She breathed deeply for a moment, but eventually gave into his request - because it was a request. Minato knew she owed him no loyalty, that she was foreign but she still cared, that she'd chosen Naruto like he'd chosen to sacrifice himself for the boy.

"He's ostracised by the civilians. There are a few exceptions but most that have a choice, choose to believe that he _is_ the Kyuubi, that he was responsible for whatever happened twelve years ago-"

He interrupted, focus acute, "-Twelve years? It's been twelve years."

She nodded, "I'm sorry I didn't find him sooner. If I'd known-"

Minato shook his head before she could finish the thought. "If long-term time travel was possible, you mean." The Fourth Hokage smiled briefly, "I think only the original Uzumaki might know such things, and they are long since gone. You are here now, and you seem to be inclined to stay. That's enough. Don't belittle the things you have done already."

Shoukin broke in, "We've talked about your issues with taking credit, Laurel. Give yourself a break."

The blonde nodded thoughtfully, "And you mentioned exceptions. I don't see any of them living here in what you say is Naruto's home." That had been the question she'd answered before realising she didn't know his name. The witch might have found that embarrassing if she cared at all for history, but she obviously didn't.

She blinked at them, acquiescing for now. "Moving on. The Sandaime issued an S-rank secret on Naruto's parentage and him being the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki. I don't know any details on the night everything happened, why every person seems to know about the seal anyway, what happened to all the people you and Kushina knew and worked with, and why nobody guessed about you or Kushina. His last name is Uzumaki and he looks just like you! Seriously, how has nobody noticed!?"  
Laurel growled in aggravation briefly, but got back to her point, "Most shinobi just ignore him, but the Hokage put an ANBU guard on him, so I don't know how long that's been true. Lemme tell you, trying to figure what the heck has actually happened here in the last two decades has been so difficult, and it's nearly not worth it. If it weren't for the sheer amount of interesting political secrecy bullshit I'd have given up nearly as quick as I started!  
"Naruto grew up in the orphanage until he was about five and they threw him out. He spent a little less than a year on the streets, hanging around the red light district because at least _they_ didn't try to maim him on sight. After that, the Third put him in here, but eventually resorted to buying the whole building in Naruto's name to avoid more civilian trickery. He started the Academy at 6 in an attempt to keep him out of trouble, but due to even more prejudice from the teachers this was - well, unsuccessful is one way to put it. He's been living on his own until two and a half months ago when I found him and decided to stay. Those are the basics."

The three of them just sat in mutual silence for a little while, Minato absorbing the flood of negative information. Laurel traced runes into the blanket beneath her, writing the tracking arrangement while internally listing her questions for the Yondaime. That included whatever he could have meant by short-term time travel.

The golem tapped her fingers on the table absently, examining the two on the bed before nodding decisively. Shoukin got up to make tea, pulling the kettle from the cupboard, "Is jasmine okay?"

The witch jerked a little, but nodded, "It's fine with me. Minato? Tea?"

"Sure," he agreed. While Laurel's other half was busy, the man looked to her, curiosity painted onto his face, "How am I here? Alive?"

She blinked, and grinned over at him, "Me and the Shinigami have a truce of sorts. When they mentioned people trading souls for seals, I asked about it and they said I could talk to you guys if I wanted to." She could see the question he was going to ask, "It's only temporary, but there's no limit. I doubt they'd let me keep you here if it wasn't for an active reason, but that doesn't mean I can't ask again later. I'm not going to usurp their control of their domain and the deal's already struck, so I'm not going to bring you back. That would go against my own morals, and it's not really a good way to uphold the truce."

Minato nodded in understanding, "In that case, did you want me here for a specific reason?"

"Mostly curiosity, but also they told me some interesting things, like how you were Naruto's father and also you were the one to seal the Kyuubi in him. And that you split it in two. Like, what made you even think of that? And why would you do it? Wouldn't it hurt the Kyuubi? Where's the other half now?" Laurel forced herself to stop talking when Minato laughed at her. "Sorry."

"No, no, that's fine," he grinned, calming down. "It's just nice to see a little Uzumaki enthusiasm after all this time."

They paused as Shoukin joined them, carrying a plate of Laurel-made biscuits in one hand and a tray of tea cups and teapot in the other. She put the plate in the middle of the bed, handed everyone a cup and set the tray on the bedside table they'd acquired. After pouring each some tea, she settled up by the head of the bed so the trio formed a triangle shape in how they were positioned. Minato was on the left edge, Laurel sitting cross-legged on the right.

"I thought of splitting the Kyuubi in half, because all chakra is made of a mix of yin and yang energies and at its base, the Kyuubi is a mass of concentrated chakra. It's only called a demon as a holdover from before we knew how to seal them," he started answering her series of questions, breathing in the steam from his cup.

The witch tilted her head as she thought, "But did it hurt?"

The dead Hokage hesitated, "I don't actually know, I never thought to ask."

Shoukin leapt on the inferred information, "So you know where the other half is? You can talk to it?"

"Yes and yes," the man twisted so both women could see when he tapped his stomach. "It's in here, technically, but with the Shinigami it doesn't matter so much and I see it outside of my body."

Laurel took a quick sip as she decided what was the next most important thing to know. _Okay, I'm having some serious issues understanding the mechanics of this._ "How come the Kyuubi actually came with you when you died? It's a separate soul, isn't it, and only bound to your physical form? By rights it should have regenerated back in this world, rather than stay trapped with you." She shook her head, frowning.

Minato groaned, though the crinkling by his eyes stopped them from thinking it was out of frustration, "You have to ask the hard things, don't you. Okay, so you understand the basics of bijuu sealing well enough, but something not everyone thinks about is at the start, directly after the sealing, the two souls are sort of… entwined. It's a side effect of a body only being made for one soul. When the bijuu is first sealed, the souls are kind of confused as to who is what, and I took advantage of that to drag the Kyuubi with me. The seal protects the body in its basic properties, and the better ones have a barrier to protect the mind, but the souls simply require time to settle. It's usually during that initial part that some of the more animalistic traits are transferred to the human bearer due to the difference in memories and 'self' from the bijuu, but it doesn't go the other way because of that same reason."

"Okay," the witch said. "That makes sense, I guess. Isn't that dangerous though?"

His lips twitched in brief amusement, "It's not supposed to be safe. If sealing a giant nine-tailed chakra fox into a person was safe, everybody would volunteer for it. Or, the power-hungry people would. In reality, it's a lot easier to control a single person that has a chakra construct in them than it is to control the chakra construct yourself."

"With that kind of thinking, it was a bit naive to expect a whole village to accept Naruto and believe he was protecting them. There're always power-hungry people, and because of their nature, they tend to be in positions of power," the golem reminded him, Laurel nodding her agreement.

He shrugged in acceptance, "I'm not going to disagree with that, but there was a lot going on and I didn't have a lot of options at the time." Minato started counting facts off on his fingers, "In order to stop the Kyuubi, it had to be sealed. As a grown adult, my body would reject it if I tried to take the whole thing with me. I couldn't put one half in Kushina because the stress would kill her and release that half almost immediately. Naruto as a newborn Uzumaki could handle half the Kyuubi with no detrimental effects with the correct seal, but the whole thing would overwhelm him and kill him, releasing it. For him to be able to handle the whole thing, he had to have reached an Uzumaki chuunin level of chakra control and regulation, and that wasn't going to be anywhere near feasible until he was at least 6 years old."

He shrugged again, and Laurel handed him a biscuit in sympathy. She wasn't sure how he'd handle physical contact, otherwise she might have squeezed his shoulder, "That's understandable. In that situation I might be overly optimistic too. Since you mentioned it, who has which half?"

"I have the yin, Naruto has the yang."

Withholding a smirk, she had to ask, "Is there a particular reason for that arrangement?"

"I wasn't sure how having the yin half might affect Naruto, so I couldn't risk it." Yin being the essence of female-soft-dark-cold plus others Laurel didn't think of off the top of her head, it made sense that it might have made baby-boy Naruto identify as female in spite of his physical form. That was a lot less likely with the male-hard-bright-warm half, naturally.

Normally, Laurel wouldn't really be that fussed either way, considering Minato was a fully-grown man and not in a crucial part of mental or physical development as a person (seeing as he was dead, there wasn't much growing going on at all). But the fact that for a guy, Minato was very pretty and he had the yin half just made her want to laugh.

The witch giggled slightly,which gradually turned into a full-on laughing fit. It was probably a good thing that Shoukin stole her tea before she spilled it everywhere. Minato joined in after a moment, probably more laughing at her reaction than the lame joke but Laurel would take what she could get. Naruto's father had the same talent for lighting up a room and drawing attention, which was enhanced with his amusement. It was nice to see

Shoukin smiled, a bit shy, "Naruto has your laugh. He sounds the same when he's truly happy." The grin that spread across Minato's face at her words could have rivalled the sun.

"Can I see him?"

"I don't see why not," Laurel and the golem exchanged a look, silently considering how Naruto might react and how much they could afford to share. "As long as we remind him not to let anyone know, him getting to meet you would be one of the best things for him. Me knowing the Shinigami isn't going to be an issue."

Shoukin returned her drink and picked one of the treats, shaking her head. _That's a 'no' to telling Minato the truth._ "Kid knows how to keep a secret when he has to." _Have to remind Naruto to not say anything about me to his dad, or his dad being the Fourth Hokage to anyone else. Maybe Minato can teach him some stuff too?_

"Minato, how would you feel about teaching me and Naruto about sealing?" Laurel blurted out.

Iruka had already confessed he only really know storage and explosive fuuinjutsu, with two kinds of barriers he'd learned from a friend on the barrier squad. Beyond that, he was about as knowledgeable as the rest of them.

On the other hand, the Yondaime was pretty famous for his use of seals, especially the Hiraishin and he'd been called a Sealing Master various times in the Konoha Fuuinjutsu History book. If that process was at all like becoming a Runemaster, she could definitely use his help.

He hummed, considering the idea. "Could be fun, and I mean, I've done it before. That's the base requirement to be a Seal Master; train an apprentice to Journeyman level. Jiraiya trained me - admittedly, Kushina helped a lot - and I trained Kakashi. I don't know if he ever trained anybody-"

"He didn't," Laurel said. She would've heard about it. Being a Seal Master was a big deal, with how many of them were left. Kakashi's skill level with seals was unknown but everyone knew he understood them. Jiraiya was Konoha's only proper Master, and he was hardly ever in-village, though she had no clue who he was or what he was doing.

She'd had to deal with a couple requests from the Fuuinjutsu-Barrier department, mostly requests for new people to be assigned, since all their current useful members got absorbed into other departments or ran off to be ANBU or got killed in action. They were constantly running at half-capacity.

"Alright," Minato frowned, but dismissed whatever thought had crossed his mind. "Shouldn't you know seals already though, being an Uzumaki?"

"I was orphaned when I was one and half years old, and I have a special type of chakra that makes me incapable of jutsu the way normal shinobi use them. I know runes, but not seals, and that's learnt from books. There's a distinct lack of fuuinjutsu books lying around Konoha. It makes it very difficult to get far."

His summer-blue eyes focused on her, bewildered, "Well, of course. Fuuinjutsu scrolls are in the Archive with the rest of the 'this can kill you if you do it wrong' jutsu. You just have to request access from the Hokage." Minato's narrow gaze pinned her down as he asked for clarification on her verbal slip up, "What do you mean when you say orphaned? You said 'I' rather than 'we', but claim she's your twin," he waved a hand at Shoukin.

The magical construct gave her creator a flat look, and Laurel winced in apology. They'd _just_ decided not to say anything beyond the necessary, and she went and blew it. Shoukin elaborated, now that they couldn't get away with the lie. "Laurel has a kekkei genkai of creating a 'combat self', which is me. I'm technically not her birth twin, and when her parents died I didn't yet exist. She's about 18 years older than me."

Minato looked between the two of them skeptically, forcing Laurel to suppress her budding nervousness lest it give away the secondary layer of untruth. "I'm… I don't think I believe you," he mused. "You're a good liar, but I don't believe you."

Laurel shrugged 'helplessly', "It is what it is. I have nothing else other than that, so whether you believe me or not is your problem, not mine." To give up the game so early would be a waste of all the work she'd put into it up to this point, and wasted effort upset her. He was testing her, in all likelihood, since there was no logical reason for his doubt. "As to fuuinjutsu, would you be willing to start later today? Just to see how much we know? I can ask while at work about the Archive but I doubt I'll be allowed access until Naruto's a genin."

Minato accepted the change in subject, but didn't relax his intense focus, "We can start later, yeah. Where do you work? Does Naruto have school today?" She could see why he'd made it all the way to Hokage, he certainly had the correct level of intimidation down.

Laurel ignored it with the ease of something practiced, "I'm the Hokage's secretary. Yes, he does, so you guys can meet this morning. Would you be alright with testing Shoukin during the day to get our level and assessing Naruto after he and I return?" He nodded, and she decided that would do for now. "What do you want me to tell you about your son?"

Minato brightened again and then he was off, asking about every single facet of his child's life.

[-]

Flaring his chakra to warn his kouhai before he got pounced on, Kakashi shunshinned onto the part of the roof Tenzou was hiding in. The silver-haired man spotted Laurel and Naruto on their way to the Hokage's office and the Academy respectively. Since the brunette beside him wasn't following, he could assume Shoukin was awake today and hanging around the apartment.

When Tenzou stayed silent, Kakashi spoke up, "What, no good morning?"

He felt the brunette's eye-roll through the way his chakra twitched. "No. It's not a good morning."

"Aww, has something upset you? I thought we were friends." Kakashi felt like grinning, but if he did that Tenzou would be gone so fast, it was almost as if he knew how to use the Hiraishin. _The things I do for him_ , he sighed internally.

"Leave," Tenzou bit out.

 _Huh, something must genuinely be bothering him_. Mentally sobering up and physically burying his face a little deeper in his book, Kakashi asked under his breath, "What's wrong?"

A ripple of frustration, confusion and - was that _lust_? The masked jounin inhaled a little deeper through the piece of cloth over his face, confirming what his meagre chakra sense was telling him. _  
_It was only because he knew Tenzou in any mood that he could tell the difference between the way it moved when he was feeling certain emotions. The only other person he was emotionally attuned to enough for it to work was Gai. Otherwise it was a case of this is that person, like a scent but mental instead of physical. Made telling imposters apart real easy. _This must be about Laurel. Now, how to make him talk about it_ … "Or should I ask 'what did she do now', instead?"

His kouhai seemed caught between a groan and a growl, "Why do you do this to me?"

"What, care about you? That's not really new." His blunt and verbal acceptance of their emotional bond seemed to wake him up a little, enough for Tenzou to get a better grip on his feelings and wrestle them into compliance. "Now tell me what's bothering you."

The younger male gave a heartfelt sigh, "She just doesn't stop." Kakashi waited for more than that. Tenzou would say it in his own time, and it's not like either of them had somewhere else to be. "I can't relax in any conversation with her asking leading questions, she's always trying to feed me things, she's deadly with simplest of seals and she never _stops_." The young man stiffened in the way that meant he wanted to hit something, but he felt it would give away too much.

To calm him down a little, Kakashi figured the information about the seals would be the point to press as the least emotionally-interesting. "What did she do with seals?"

Tenzou groaned again, the lust returning for a bare flicker of a moment. "She was arguing with Iruka-san about explosive seals, trying to convince him that it's possible to make a storage seal that acts like an explosive tag. She got frustrated and made one, and threw it up until it hit the ceiling, and then suddenly there's half a sphere taken out of the wood. When she unseals it on the table later, there it is. Laurel made it so it had no present filters, and a timer instead. Apparently the radius around the tag is determined by the amount of chakra, and considering the usual conversion rate for an explosive tag it had to be just the tiniest little bit."

Kakashi was nearly shocked silent. The wood-user had picked up his bad habit of not talking much, and here he was chattering away about a seal-theory. When he'd never been interested in them beyond if they worked and how he could use them in combat. Because of this one woman, who used a common seal in an insane way, and made him listen well enough that he understood what she'd done. _I'll be damned,_ Kakashi marvelled, _he really likes her_.

But being nearly shocked silent, didn't mean he was _actually_ shocked silent, "She done that with anything else?"

Nodding, he told the silver-haired man about how the Uzumaki had figured out a "chakra-anarchy" seal. She'd practiced in the training ground until she had an explosive tag that had two steps. The first step was the initial trigger, which made it absorb all surrounding chakra within a pre-specified radius, including natural chakra. Second stage was a timed explosion two seconds after where the chakra was released back into the air.

Apparently inside the pocket dimension the various kinds of chakra mixed around, which resulted in a partially-randomised reaction. Where the first stage resulted in instant death for plants, and sudden-onset chakra deprivation for anything else inside the bubble, the second tended to overload various things. Plants infused with natural chakra came back to life and sometimes grew wildly. Animals tended to turn to stone, and any animal-chakra tended to set things on fire. They hadn't been willing to test out shinobi chakra yet, but she was trying to figure out a workaround.

Another one was a low-powered reformatted storage she could use to track people. It had been changed with a combination of 'runes' to make it absorb low level amounts of free nature chakra, convert it to something similar to her own chakra type and gradually expel it. Laurel and Shoukin were the only two who could actively sense it, and once the subject knew it was there they could encase it in their own chakra to prevent the leakage they could sense, but that didn't make it any less clever.

A few more examples like this, and Kakashi decided Tenzou was calm enough to face the rest of it. "Okay, what about the rest of it? The questions and the food. Why does it bother you?"

This was the biggest part of his frustration, judging by the way his coils flared. "I'm on duty! Telling someone your identity is instant dismissal. You know that." The urge to laugh returned. _Poor Tenzou, so muddled by his emotions that he can't remember the obvious. Though, it's possible he's forgotten he's a person outside of his job again._ Either was as likely as the other.

 _Doesn't matter, it's easily solved._ "You know," Kakashi drawled, "You could just meet her outside of work hours." He shrugged in the face of Tenzou's incredulity, "It's not that bad. Yuugao did it, and I'm about 80% sure she knows who I am. As long as you don't tell anyone, it's fine. And if you actually want anything beyond what you two have going on right now, you'll have to take that step eventually."

The brunette seemed to actually contemplate this, and Kakashi took that as his cue to leave. Giving romantic advice made him want to skewer something, but Tenzou never really relied on anyone else enough to listen to their suggestions.

 _Time to find me a book thief._ He'd be back later to bother Shoukin, but now that he'd tracked one of the mystery two here, the masked man figured it was probably Laurel. The older twin seemed more involved with Anko while Yuugao gravitated more towards the quieter of them, and he already knew Yuugao hadn't had anything to do with his stolen Icha Icha. The shudder she couldn't hold back in the face of Kakashi's cheerful but empty question had been gloriously amusing. His poor ANBU team dreaded that voice for good reason - after all, he only used it while training them most of the way to death.

Anko being the third made sense, what with smelling like scales and dango there was no one else it could really be.

That Laurel didn't smell anything like plants or the ocean was a little strange though. Hot chili flakes and citrus seemed really strange for someone descended from a wind/water clan like the Uzumaki. Kushina had smelled like storms and wet fur, and Naruto did a little too, though he had more 'fur' and less 'wet'. Maybe it had to do with Laurel's weird chakra. He'd check Shoukin later, definitely.

He walked leisurely through the streets to the Hokage's office. The masked shinobi would probably make it a weekly game to pester the ginger-haired woman in the office. After such success last time, he wasn't sure he had the energy to resist a repeat. It wasn't long before he was outside the door, and carefully using chakra to check for Gai, he stepped inside when the coast was clear.

Kakashi felt Laurel's gaze settle on him, and smirked internally when her scent was properly confirmed. He slumped against the desk, 'accidentally' looming over her and when he peeked out of the corner of his eye, he was amused to see her in a sexy nurse costume, her hair pulled into a low bun and her basic inoffensive expression completing her work getup. _Wonder what others I missed while I was away._..

She raised an eyebrow in question, but turned back to her paperwork when no answer was forthcoming. Kakashi waited until she'd settled back into a rhythm before throwing her off. "So, how'd you like it?"

Laurel sighed after a solid two minutes of waiting for him to say anything else, "...Like what?" He twitched the book in his hands deliberately, and he saw the briefest hint of a smile flash across her face. "It was alright. Needs to focus less on what the characters are doing and more on what they're thinking. A little character development goes a long way."  
She linked their gazes briefly and he let her read his surprise like it was a page of a book in front of her. "What, did you think I wouldn't admit to it?" Laurel smirked, "I read it aloud, even. We had Yuugao and Anko over for the night. It was… memorable." She let the emotion drain out of her face gradually, going from an actual person to an unfeeling robot in two disturbing seconds. "Now leave."

 _Ouch. It's almost like she doesn't like me or something._ He shrugged internally, deciding to piss her off a little in retaliation. "Well, I suppose I do have other people to visit today. It's been a while since I saw your other self, hasn't it? Maybe I should remedy that."

Kakashi disappeared in a deliberate shower of leaves, scattering them all over her and her paper towers, her gasp of outrage following him on his way to Naruto's apartment. And it also functioned to test whether Laurel and Shoukin could communicate constantly, or if it was less exact.

The slate-eyed shinobi stopped long enough to ruffle Tenzou's hair before darting inside the window and coming to a stop so hard, it was like he'd overshot and bounced off a wall - like he hadn't done since he was five.

He blinked suppressing the budding shock, _well, it's not an actual wall at least._ He'd actually managed to bump into Shoukin, who was blinking back at him with poison eyes completely identical to Laurel's except for the personality hiding behind them.

"Why do you weigh twice as much as I do?"

She scoffed, and stepped back so she could lean against the kitchen table, one hand anchored to the table edge behind her while the other… _hm_. "Asking a woman about how much she weighs is beyond rude." She shot a glance at her and Laurel's sleeping area, and Kakashi followed her line of sight to figure out what was making her twitchy.

 _Nothing. Now, why don't I believe that?_ "Aside from that, then, what is it you don't want me noticing?" Shoukin didn't even flinch, which meant both twins were excellent liars. It was nice to have his inference skills confirmed so blatantly.

She hummed a non-verbal query, not sounding defensive or confrontational, just marginally curious. If Kakashi didn't already know something was up, he might've even believed her. Just to test her self-control, and maybe discover how close he needed to be in order to see what she'd hidden, he circled around the table and grabbed the sheets of paper the redhead had been aiming for. The way her eyes flickered when he did so solidified his guess into certainty, plus the fuuinjutsu brush clasped in the hand behind her back. _Interesting how she holds it like a weapon she knows how to use. I would not have guessed that._

"Are you doing sealing?" He paused for a response that didn't come, "Cat told me about your twin's recent accomplishments. It's pretty impressive how fast you two seem to have settled in here. Almost like you have inside information." Kakashi sat on the table, an inch away from touching her side with his own. It was close enough to see her suppressed laughter.

"Or maybe like we've been travelling for so long it's nice to put down roots at last." _Oh, tree jokes. It's been a while since anyone bothered with those around me._

He stubbornly ignored the memories of Minato that cropped up, no matter what ghost he saw sitting on the bed with curiously blank face. "Would you say leafing so often left you sycamore new people asking questions?"

"You might be going out a limb there. We're just branching out?" She suggested, lips twitching. "Turning over a new leaf, maybe." Shoukin never relaxed the grip on the brush. _So she knows I'm dangerous, but she's still willing to fight anyway._

"That's probably not such a good one, with Konoha meaning what it does," he suggested. "Sounds like a revolution is on the way."

"True," Shoukin hummed and pushed off the table, turning to face him. She held out her free hand for the paper, but he didn't move to give it to her and the young woman grabbed it instead, having to step inside his reach to do so. In an instant, Kakashi had clasped his hands over her wrists, shifted until he was standing and pulled Shoukin so she was pressed right up against him.

"Why is there a dead man on your bed?" He couldn't ignore it anymore, and ever since the first thought of Minato and wanting him to still be alive, the ghost had been sitting there. His face had changed with the conversation, flicking through so many haunting arrangements Kakashi had probably finally broken completely.  
Such a vivid hallucination, without it being a genjutsu (yes, he'd checked. Civilian or no, 'underestimating people gets you killed quick, because others don't conform to your expectations', as Jiraiya had said) could only be a sign of insanity.

She looked at him, seeing in his eye the bleak acceptance, "Because he is." At his expression she accidentally repeated her twin's phrase, "What, did you think I wouldn't admit to it? You look about a step away from jumping into the abyss."

What she didn't say, but he could see, was the end to that sentence she'd cut off: _I don't want another death on my conscience._ He'd heard hints of where such thoughts could have come from, but never come across any true numbers of how many she'd had to kill, let alone how many the twins had dealt with between them.

Shoukin interrupted his thoughts, tugging on her wrists to get him to free her, which he eventually did. She grabbed one hand back afterward, leading him inside the ring of curtains with a quiet, "Come on, Kakashi."

Somehow he wasn't surprised she knew his name. It didn't really matter in that moment though, not when Shoukin took his hand and pressed it over Minato's heart. It didn't matter that he couldn't feel the warmth of his sensei's skin or the beating of his heart when he could feel his familiar chakra, hear his pulse thudding through his veins. "Minato?"

Was that really his voice? So meek and afraid, barely more than a breath of air pushed from his lungs. His fingers trembled, pressing firmly against the young man - Kami, he was young, wasn't Kakashi older than him now? In what world was that fair, he'd literally outgrown his sensei - and he jerked when the blonde grabbed his hand and pulled the silver-haired shinobi into a firm hug.

"Kakashi-kun," it was a joyful sigh floating through the air. His face was wet. _Is it raining?_ His mask clung to his skin uncomfortably, but the feeling was distant, easily dismissed. _My eyes are leaking._ Kakashi's arms wrapped around the man in front of him, as if doing so would erase the hurt of a decade spent worn down to his soul because of failure after failure (after failure, after failure…).

 _I'm crying_ , he finally realised, a seed of sense returning. _I'm crying, but Sensei is here. Sensei is here and alive, and I'm crying_.

He leaned in, pressing his cloth-covered cheek against the loose hair in front of Minato's ear as Kakashi tried to remember how breathing worked. There was a thing his lungs were supposed to be doing, but all he could hear was the soft murmurs of Minato's voice and the quiet hitches bubbling up from his mouth. All he could feel was the fabric of the Yondaime cloak he'd seen destroyed bunching between his fingers, the line of warmth that was one of his most important people _here, here and not dead._

[-]

Shoukin was deeply uncomfortable.

Kakashi, the asshole who'd delighted in pissing off Laurel in interesting ways, and had threatened the golem herself simply by activating her repelling ward and noticing that something impossible had occurred, was breaking down. Not loudly, if she was being honest with herself, but it was messy and obvious and awful.

 **Honesty is key if you're going to be a liar,** her heart-sister/creator-carer/"Laurel" had told her at the start. Right at the start, when everything was too-bright but still not-bright-enough, when the rune-lattice and magic thrumming through her wouldn't let her _think_ -

She had no idea what to do. The construct had pulled him over to Minato because he'd looked a lot like his bindings were falling apart - **Falling to pieces, Changeling. You're the only one with bindings holding you together, it's how you were made** \- and when that had happened to her, the source of upset was the easiest way to fix it. Madness ate away like acid, and Kakashi looked like the last string had been dissolved and he was falling-

She wrenched her thoughts in order, reminding herself of 'self' and the strength bound up in that word. Back to reality.

Kakashi was crying, damp darkness collecting at the top edge of his mask on both sides ( _he probably does have a second eye there then. Does it still work?_ ) and breath stuttering like a constantly ticking clock. Tick, uh-uh-uh in, tock, ha-ah-ah out.

She decided standing might be a bit of a bad idea for the two emotionally wrought males if he was breathing like that. They might fall over and injure themselves, and if Shoukin wasn't the one outright hurting someone that meant she should prevent it from happening by accident. So preventing it was.

Touching Kakashi seemed like a good way to need fixing, even if Minato was probably the more dangerous. He seemed less likely to chop off her head without noticing. _I like my head where it is_ _._ She moved their scribblings off the bed onto the floor by the wardrobe. They could come back to that later when Minato didn't have his student breaking down on him.

Actually, the blonde wasn't anywhere near unaffected. He was nearly as bad as Kakashi, only he didn't seem to have any tears to leak ( _cry, get the terminology right_ ) even if his face was screwed up like he wanted to. _Can't I just use a long stick to get them there? I don't wanna die. I like my head in place and limbs attached._

Brave. She could be brave, Laurel had taught her how from as soon as she'd opened her eyes and wanted to close them again. Laurel had taught her being scared was okay. Not letting it stop you was even better. Shoukin could do better.

The copper-haired woman - **You are as much of a person as me, don't ever doubt that** \- brushed her fingers over Minato's where they dug tightly into Kakashi's back, and settled the other hand over his hip. Carefully, - _careful, gentle, calm_ \- with the softest pressure possible, she nudged Minato into leading them backwards - _always the leader, huh?_ \- until they reached the lower corner of the bed.

Shoukin gave him a sharp push, hoping he'd get the idea and the pair of them lying diagonally because they were both much too tall to fit the normal way. Shoukin was good at calculations, and that was impossible.

They toppled over onto the piece of furniture, and she let out a quiet sigh of relief, retreating into the kitchen. It was safer to watch from afar, where she'd have enough warning to dodge. She activated the mental comprehension rune she and Laurel had integrated into the rune-lattice under her blood-bound appearance, to make sure she'd see anything coming.

Shoukin rummaged through the fridge for something to distract herself with, wishing she had the next one of Kakashi's books to read and mentally edit. There were so many simple changes that would make the whole thing more effective. If she had her own copies they would be filled with various scribbles depicting her changes. Laurel had agreed when the construct had suggested it to her twin, so hopefully soon they'd have a set of the books for her to shred.

Kakashi seemed to be pulling himself back together, one inhale-exhale after the other. Minato seemed pretty stable too, watching her over the masked ninja's shoulder while his trembles had longer and longer breaks between them where he was steady as a rock. She watched him back, curious to the story behind Kakashi's breakdown but unwilling to poke at fresh wounds. Food might help.

Five minutes later, when no attacks were incoming and both looked steady again, she deactivated the mind-rune and walked loudly over, pieces of Laurel's favourite brownie on a small plate. Shoukin was the first one to speak, "Chocolate helps with overwhelming emotions."

Minato had it in him to be amused, "Where did you learn that?"

She smiled at him, trying to bridge the gap between the cheerfulness he felt and the cheerfulness he pretended. She was better at pretending anyway. "One of my teachers. Laurel." Shoukin hesitated to mention the last thing, since technically that was also because of Laurel. Minato asked, though, so she answered. "Periods."

The blonde snorted, and the laughter that followed was only a tiny bit hysterical. The sound seemed to wake Kakashi from the remains of his emotional fugue, and his slate grey eye slid between her face and his sensei's.

She took a bite of brownie, and waited. The golem was always much better at being patient than Laurel was. It frustrated both of them in turns, some days. Minato cleared his throat, and Kakashi found it in him to pounce. Verbally, not physically. He was still tangled up with the blonde man anyway.

" _How_ are you...?"

"Alive? I'm not, actually," Minato said. _That's a terrible explanation. 1/10, try again. Preferably before your student tries to off me._ "I'm still technically dead, just on a kind of holiday?"

She had to interrupt, "Okay, dude, you suck at this. Stop before you make things worse." Shoukin faced Kakashi head-on, preparing to out-stubborn him like she had Laurel many times before. "First, Laurel has a contract of sorts with the Shinigami, and they mentioned the seal-for-a-soul deal last night. We asked about it, found out Naruto's father was one of the people who had done so, and asked if we could talk to him. Shinigami said yes, so that's why he's here. Because of that contract, which is sort of a formalised truce, even though Minato is still technically dead and bound to the Shinigami's dimension, we can summon Minato here for unspecified amounts of time if we have a specified purpose that is not 'bringing him back to life'. Questions?"

Shoukin watched his face acrobatics in amazement as with somehow only showing less than a quarter of his face, Kakashi was able to show confusion, frustration, irritation, fear, horror and dread in no particular order. _How does he do that. I want to do that, it would be so fantastic, holy crap._

He sputtered incoherently, which was new. Did that mean she'd won the competition between herself and her twin on who could best the assholish Dog-Kakashi first? _It looks like I did._ "What- does that mean you can- what, why?"

 _Is that even translatable?_ Shoukin offered him the plate of brownie and covered her eyes with her other hand. If he had a mask on constantly, it seemed improbable that he'd take it off to eat in front of her. And this way she didn't even have to try making sense of that. Also Minato would probably stop Kakashi from pulling her to pieces now that he was properly aware again.

"Laurel made the brownie for me, so it's definitely not poisoned, and super tasty," she encouraged, just in case. If she was going to be all 'just in case' though, she might as well go all the way. "And she knows Naruto sneaks stuff, so it's three times less likely to be poisoned. Naruto's too cute to want to poison."

Minato snorted again, "Are you calling me cute?"

Oh, Shoukin totally had to. "I'm opening my eyes," she warned, and moved her hand so she could examine Minato properly. For a grown man, he looked awfully girlish and pretty. _Close enough, right?_ "Yes. You are cute, and Naruto is cute and Cat is adorable. Kakashi, you're an asshole and your taste in books could be better, but I like you. If I told you everything I want to do to the Icha Icha books to make them better would you get mad?"

Minato shook his head in surprise, "Icha Icha, Kakashi-kun? Isn't that Jiraiya's porn series?"

"He reads them in public," Shoukin said primly, keeping her wicked grin on the inside.

Talking about something Kakashi enjoyed should help him regain his feet faster. Also, if they knew the author maybe she could convince him to let her be his editor. That would be hilarious.

[-]

Guest replies (would you guys consider leaving a nickname or something to differentiate by? It gets very confusing):

Guest (21/7): About Iruka's scar, uh, sorry but that's not actually physically possible, even with ninja shenanigans accounted for. My sister knows bones, and to get a straight line going across the nose without having bone shards and cartilage and a mess of the nerves and shit, it would've been a surface cut. No swords in faces. Also, you'd think if Iruka's had that scar for as long as we've seen Iruka (so from 8ish years old) there's no way he stopped that himself,and it causing a scar that bad but not killing him seems pretty ludicrous. I just... Seriously, what's with the scar? It's such a weird place and shape and everything, it just bothers me. Sorry for the rant?

Sighing Guest (24/7): I actually don't know what to do with Heiji yet. Feel free to convince me! Your comment made me laugh, so thank you for your cheerful musing! I'm excited for actual plot too.

Guest (28/7): That's half the point. I imagine an angry Laurel is a very intimidating Medusa-type. Her eyes might not literally glow, but it's good enough.


	17. Shoukin Swears It's the Kyuubi's Fault

Lots of excitement about Minato and Heiji! Thank you all so much, I've been grinning basically all week because of your kindness. Thank you so much for the reviews/favourites/follows, there's just so much love! Also, thank you to the wonderful AnFan-n-More. Guest replies at the bottom.

Edited 18/08, just so you know.

[-]

17: Shoukin Swears It's the Kyuubi's Fault

[-]

Shoukin was sniggering at Minato gobsmacked face when Laurel finally returned from work just as unruffled as a hurricane - by that, the construct meant very much bothered. Naruto hadn't returned yet, but it wasn't an issue. The boy was probably out doing his training regime or hanging out with people from class who weren't completely awful to him.

Things had been a lot calmer recently with each of them able to take the edge off any unruly emotions, Laurel returning to her baking and rune stones, while Naruto fiddled with the traps downstairs or went pranking. They didn't always accompany him, because making something always a kind of lesson instead of a game and creative outlet would make him a least a little resentful.

Shoukin herself had her budding herb garden. It was the perfect time of year for it, and after getting Naruto's permission, she was in the process of converting one of the apartments into a kind of greenhouse, using sunlight runes and irrigation.

"What's up?" Shoukin said, sobering instantly.

"Well, uh, we might have a tiny bit of a problem," the witch pulled her hair out of its bun, ruffling absently as she bit her lip.

"Go have a shower and tell me about it after. I have news too, and it's probably equally alarming even if it's not _bad_ , per say," the younger twin admitted. She knew hiding it would only make Laurel react badly. It was better to let her get the worry out of her system beforehand rather than blindside her.

"Alright, I'll be out in a moment then." She grabbed a set of clothes and vanished into the bathroom, probably not having even noticed Kakashi in her agitation.

Shoukin hummed contemplatively, "Laurel's totally gonna flip."

Minato snorted, bemused, "What gives you that impression?" Kakashi seemed interested in the answer himself, and she thought of the nicest way to phrase this.

"Laurel doesn't really like Kakashi much, and him knowing one of our more interesting secrets is not going to make her happy." Just for fun she added a bit of a jab at the silver-haired shinobi, "It's not that she doesn't trust you, it's just that she totally doesn't trust you. That you've been gone for a few months is also doing nothing for you, since we've got a pretty good idea of where you've been." She fixed her poison-green gaze on him, and he met her full on in return. Minato interrupted their minor staring contest.

"You said 'more interesting secrets'." She blinked over at him, silently waiting for a question, and the blonde man obliged her. "What kind of interesting secrets?"

Shoukin couldn't help herself, she honestly couldn't. "Secret secrets." She sunk her teeth into the grin blooming on her face, trying to hold back more laughter.

Minato swore under his breath, "Does she remind you of Obito at all?" Kakashi made an undecipherable noise, and Laurel reappeared at that moment, hair dripping and wearing soft woolen layers.

"What'd you do, Shou?" The witch draped her towel over an unoccupied chair and starting boiling water and setting up the kitchen for dinner.

"Nothing," her grin escaped her control, but she remembered to tell her creator-carer, "I made dinner already, it's in the fridge."

Laurel shrugged in acceptance, "Alright then. You first or me?" She finally noticed the extra person in the room, and her eyes narrowed dangerously, "Why is he still here?"

Shoukin quirked an eyebrow, "'Still'? Don't you mean at all?"

"No, because he taunted me at work earlier so I knew he was coming here at least for a while. So why is he here now, and why does he know Minato is here?" She glared around the room, mostly alternating between Kakashi and the other ginger.

The golem twisted her face as if she'd bitten into a lemon, considering lying or talking it down. _I knew she wasn't gonna like it._ "Ah…"

"Tell me the truth or I will whack it out of you," the older woman threatened. "I know all your weak spots."

Minato and Kakashi watched their dynamics with clear interest. _Well, at least someone's having fun_ _._ "It was either that or let him think he'd finally gone insane, Lore," Shoukin shuddered at the thought. Crazy people scared her. They just didn't have normal limits, and trying to make sense of their actions was like asking the sky why the world turned and expecting an answer. "He could see him already, I didn't say anything."

The witch frowned in her surprise, "I… guess that makes sense. But how?"

"Hell if I know. Wishful thinking?" The construct was mostly joking, but after thinking about it, that did seem like an accurate answer. "He might've seen past it because he wanted to, rather than knowing. I'm not sure there were any contingencies for that in the array; I certainly didn't put any in there."

"Huh, neither." Laurel paused, gaze settling on the confused males, and the women exchanged a questioning glance. _Explain only if necessary_ , they decided. Better to leave it for now. "Was that your news?"

Humming, Shoukin said, "Most of it. The rest can wait until after. What's going on at the office?"

Laurel jumped to sit on the bench like normal, assembling a hot drink while she got into it. "Iruka convinced the Hokage to draw out the traitor at the Academy."

Shoukin choked, and her twin looked up with concern pulling at her mouth, in time to catch the way Minato and Kakashi straightened in interest.

The witch continued after a brief pause. "Iruka's going to leak the news of the Hokage keeping the Forbidden Scroll in his office temporarily, and since everyone knows Naruto can sneak in there without setting off the alarms, they're going to 'fail' him and see who bites. Iruka's pretty sure it's one of the senior teachers, and Naruto's okay with it as long as he doesn't actually fail. He's going to take the test on Wednesday, rather than Thursday, and then pretend to fail that time. That way it'll count as an actual mission."

"That's alright, considering. Helps with some of our other tasks. Why are you still worried?"

Laurel sighed in exasperation, "At first glance it seems fine but look closer and… Well, tell me you can't think of at least five things wrong with this plan that could be fixed with minor tweaks." Shoukin shook her head, agreeing. "First, I know most people hate Naruto, but who's to say it's not just some equal opportunity traitor rather than the saboteur? Second, we all know how good Naruto is at sneaking, but how many people actually pay attention to think he's a viable scapegoat? Third, he could easily end up alone with this traitor, or just a person who hates him. He's not even a Genin, and all the teachers are at least Chuunin, so what's to say they won't make a decent attempt at killing him since they're on they're way out of the village anyway?"  
She blew out a gusty sigh, "And last, but certainly not least, it seems pretty likely if someone's about to ditch the village that if they don't kill him, they're at least going to tell Naruto about the Kyuubi sealed in his stomach."

There was a startled childish gasp coupled with a loud thump, and Shoukin spotted the sly satisfaction in the way Laurel drummed her fingers. _Clever: she did that on purpose. That's one secret we no longer have to keep from him now._ The golem inclined her head slowly, watching as she twisted her fingers together and over and under in wordless agreement, and stood to beckon Naruto inside.

The boy had some of his trapping supplies with him for downstairs which was the thump, and Naruto had been washed out in his shock. She curled an arm around his shoulder, collecting his things and leading him inside. The trapping tools were placed on the table while Laurel gave him a hot chocolate and the golem pulled the 12-year-old into her lap.

He couldn't do more than just hold it until she guided the cup to his mouth encouragingly, murmuring, "It'll help, I promise." He followed as she said, taking a gulp, letting Shoukin feel the way his body relaxed in her embrace one tiny increment at a time.

The four adults waited in silence as the normally-cheerful boy tried to figure out how to deal with this unexpected information. Shoukin kept nudging him to drink the hot chocolate and stroked a hand down his arm, but when he still didn't speak, Laurel did.

"It's an S-ranked secret." The twins locked eyes once more, and she clutched the child closer, knowing this was going to be hard for him. "The Fourth Hokage was known for defeating the Kyuubi, but no one is ever allowed to say how. The Bijuu are made of chakra, which can't be destroyed, and so they must be sealed. A static thing like paper, or a rock, or a tree, all things that are not constantly producing chakra cannot hope to contain such beings, and so sealers must use people. Newborns are best in most cases, to avoid straining the chakra network beyond repair."

Laurel stopped to see how he was taking the information, since even though Kakashi was here the twins hadn't technically broken the S-rank secret. They were just sharing sealing facts after he'd overheard a private conversation, and the masked shinobi knew it. He had nothing on them.

 _Technicalities rock_ , Shoukin reaffirmed. Meanwhile Naruto had gathered himself enough to ask his father, "Why?"

Minato slumped where he sat, leaning on Kakashi slightly. "I wanted… I _hoped_ -" His voice broke in the face of his son's reality, and he couldn't seem to find the words, so Shoukin gave him a break.

"Squishy, he was in a very tight spot. He had a rampaging Kyuubi hell-bent on destroying the entire village. He had his dying wife, the former Jinchuuriki who was unable to bear any part of it without dying and releasing it immediately. He had a newborn baby son who was going to be the greatest treasure of his life, and he had himself and his sealing knowledge," she met the Yondaime's summer-blue eyes, silently asking if she could tell him everything.  
After he nodded, Shoukin continued, "As a baby couldn't have enough control to be able to handle the whole Kyuubi, he had to split it in half to deal with it properly. His wife couldn't hold any of it and survive, and Minato himself could only hold half for a short time before it would overwhelm him, so he did what he could with the options he was given. He sealed the Yang half in the newborn, taking the Yin half himself, and used a Shinigami seal to do so - which meant he had to give his soul in payment. Because the Yin-Kyuubi's soul was sort of… blended throughout his in this moment, it went with him. While the newborn-"  
Shoukin gave Naruto a significant look, unable to really mention him by name. "-was left with the Yang half but without parents, to the village saved by Minato's sacrifice and the child's impending daily one."

The golem paused, contemplating how each of the three males had reached that point, that moment in time, sitting in the room discussing the tragedy from 12 years before. "No one knew how it would turn out, and hope is a double-edged blade," Shoukin finished.

Laurel saw the impending breakdown as it started gathering steam, and stole the child off Shoukin, handed her the discarded hot chocolate, and passed the boy off to his father. Naruto burst into tears, clinging onto his dad like if he let go the man would turn into smoke ( _not a truly unwarranted fear, that_ ) and Laurel helped Minato back on the bed for his second breakdown of the day. She hummed a song as she rubbed his back, one the witch used to use when Shoukin was overwhelmed by the magical currents running through her body in the early days.

The golem co-opted Kakashi to help set the table for the rice balls - onigiri? She wasn't really sure what they were actually called. She'd followed the recipe in the cookbook while Minato and the masked shinobi had been catching up, giving them as much privacy as she could considering they were in her house and Minato couldn't leave.

"You staying for dinner?" She asked him, but she felt it was a bit of a stupid question. Kakashi didn't seem inclined to leave Minato unless he was forced to. The slate-eyed man hummed neutrally, and Shoukin nodded. "Should I invite Cat?"

"Ahh, best not," he took the plates she handed him and set them out. The golem twirled a little as she reached the fridge, grabbing the food out and dancing back. Too much sadness made her twitchy and nervous, and it wasn't like she could run off to hang out with her herbs when Laurel needed another reasonably sane and generally unemotional person to keep things under control.

Kakashi didn't count as sane, and Minato's sanity was sort of up in the air at this point. Naruto was clearly overwrought, and Laurel herself wasn't functioning on all cylinders because she was trying to solve the tactical puzzle of the traitor-trap.

The silver-haired man traced her movements with a glimmer of detached amusement, "Why?"

"I don't need a reason," she deflected, and he let it go. Shoukin decided some questions might be in order, so she could get to know him better. If they were going to be friends ( _and we are, because I have claimed him and nothing short of murder-most-foul will convince me otherwise_ ) she needed him to at least tolerate her. "What's your favourite jutsu?"

Kakashi didn't answer, just started another staring contest. Shoukin always won those because blinking was a habit, but not innate. She didn't need to, just like breathing or eating were unnecessary. She still did them because air was needed to talk and food was amazing. Plus people subconsciously knew something was wrong with her if she didn't blink, but staring contests were one of the best things. The golem waited him out, a slow grin pulling at her lips as he struggled.

With a sigh, he gave in, "Kawarimi, probably. Or shunshin." She could see that: it would be an excellent way of subtly pissing people off, and as Laurel had always said 'the basic techniques are the most versatile'. Kakashi was scary-intelligent, had probably mastered those kinds of jutsu as soon as he was allowed to use them.

"Useful. I think I like the henge best. So many options, so little time." _And all the new people who don't know better than to believe the things I tell them about myself. If only Laurel was a little less diligent in keeping me away from most of them..._

"And here I was thinking Naruto was a bad influence on you," he spoke in a low tone, glancing at the trio over his shoulder.

Shoukin waved a hand dismissively, "More like Laurel's a bad influence. She spent her school years pranking people, and I acquired my own brand of it through her. We're only helping Naruto hone his techniques, rather than truly teaching him things. He's got his own style, but we can help him with the background theory and general tactics."

He hummed, only the slightest tinge of curiosity colouring the sound. "Where did you learn your tactics from?"

"I was telling the truth when I said we were self-taught. Laurel learnt from experience, then she taught me what she knew and we both grew from there," Shoukin shrugged and gestured for him to have some food. "I'm going to see what I can do with the people-pile over there, help yourself. Food is made to be eaten, after all."

Her heart-sister nodded in response to Shoukin's unuttered question, so she spoke carefully, "Naruto, we're having dinner. Do you want any yet, sweetie?"

He peered up at her from Minato's shoulder, the very picture of misery with his blue eyes wet from tears and trembling lips. He looked unsure, so she gave him options. _Options are easier to get your head around. Less thinking is probably better right now._ "You can either have it now or in a half hour. Minato's not going anywhere no matter what." While she might be reassuring the boy, Shoukin was also telling Minato what the plan for the night was, and daring him to argue with her.

"Later," he mumbled, and so Shoukin and Laurel switched places. Naruto had gotten equally attached to them both over the course of the training, and for the witch eating was a biological requirement rather than a creator's suggestion.

The golem pressed herself right up against Minato's side when she hugged the blue-eyed boy. "It's okay to be sad, but just remember this doesn't change who you are. You're still the same strong, determined, cheerful Naruto that we love. You're still the boy that took all the hatred a village could give, and turned it back on them saying 'I will not be like you' and refused to hate. You're still our wild little prankster, Iruka's favourite student, Teuchi's best customer. You just have a…" _I hope Laurel's listening to this, actually._ "... furry little problem."

Laurel choked on a laugh, and spent the next few seconds trying to hack out whatever she'd swallowed wrong. "Shoukin, that's terrible!"

The golem was utterly unrepentant, and defended her choice, "It's the perfect name for it."

"That's nothing like Remus at all!"

Scoffing, the construct rebutted her twin. "It's totally the same if you think about it sideways. You taught me to think outside the box, so I am."

"It kinda is," Naruto joined in, which was the goal. Even better, neither Minato or Kakashi had any clue what was going on, again. Shoukin loved the way their faces blanked out rather than show confusion. Ninja were _hilarious_. "You said Remus' gift turned on him, and when he turned into a wolf he lost his human mind, right?"

"Yes, so when he was human he was all human, but when he was a wolf he was all wolf. It's the same with you except the creature inside you is a big fox, and he's not going to take over unless you let him." _Ah, that reminds me_ , Shoukin nudged Minato with her shoulder to get his attention, "Is the Kyuubi male? I just can't get that to sit right in my mind, no matter how I go about it. It's a chakra construct, so genders seem a bit obsolete."

"Uh, no." The Yondaime thought about it for a moment longer, "Well, at least mine isn't, Yin-Kyuubi is female. I couldn't speak for the other half, which it is entirely possible is male." He shrugged, "Naruto will have to find out at some point."

The witch broke in, "And how exactly would he do that? Communicate with… him?" She shook her head gently - _p_ _robably so she doesn't get wet hair in the eye again, hah_ \- and decided for herself, "I'm gonna assume the other half is a male until specified otherwise."

"Going inside his mindscape, and he should reach that unconsciously during meditation. As long as he doesn't move the representation of the seal at all, it will function fine."

Shoukin was shocked, "It's really that easy?" The blonde man nodded. "Then, can you ask your half about whether it hurt being split, whether the sealing itself hurts?"

Minato looked pretty uncomfortable at that, but he closed his eyes briefly, stiffening after a moment. "She's… curious about you, but won't answer that," he said, still talking to his Kyuubi. "She wants to meet you both." He opened to watch the two twins suspiciously, so clearly that hadn't been all the information the Kyuubi had shared.

Minato tilted his head slightly, narrowed eyes intense like he was trying to see beneath their skin. Something like dread dawned on his face and Shoukin could feel his energy levels brush against her own before flaring like a caged sun. The only person she knew with the same amount of power was Laurel herself, so the momentary flinch of fear at the aggressive cutting pressure wasn't something Shoukin was prepared enough to hide.

His chakra swirled against her runes, pushing and plucking at her bindings like a tornado, a sensation that felt so wrong that she had to get away. The construct tilted backwards, away from Minato, falling off the bed in an uncharacteristic show of clumsiness.

Laurel rushed until she was between her twin and the Yondaime, baring her teeth in a feral snarl as his attention moved to her instead. Naruto was wrapped in his father's arms, squirming to no avail while Kakashi lifted the strange headband to reveal a red eye and watched in silence.

No longer close enough to feel Minato's chakra, Shoukin only guess what was going on until she felt the defensive flaring of Laurel's magic, so strong she started glowing. Shoukin felt the connection to her wards on the curtains wavering under the pressure in imminent collapse and shouted to get her heart-sister's attention, "Laurel, wards!"

The magic cut off instantly, but too late as with a chime like the shattering of a crystal ball they imploded. It wasn't violent enough to set the curtains on fire, but they smoked in warning.

"What _are_ you?" Friendly-Minato was gone, replaced by the powerful Hokage he used to be, and on the verge of tearing them to pieces. Kakashi was standing, a kunai in his hand with his face set in the cold expression of a practiced killer, only waiting on the word of his sensei.

The blonde boy was still struggling, arms reaching for the twins, "Laurel-nee! Shoukin-nee!"

Laurel's right hand twitched, instinctively going to draw her wand before she overrode it forcefully and the golem rose into a kneeling position. She stretched her fingers in preparation for some wandless elemental manipulation, ready to defend them instantly. Both magical women had their speed runes activated, had ever since Minato had tilted his head like a predator sizing up his opponents.

"You're not human, so what are you?" He ordered compliance, filling the air with a potent weight. It wasn't Killing Intent, not quite, but it wasn't that far off either.

The witch spoke for both of them, "Naruto's guardians."

Minato growled, "That, I doubt. What are you? Why are you here?" The oppressive aura deepened and Cat appeared next to Kakashi, sword bared. He stuttered briefly at the sight of Minato, while Kakashi was momentarily distracted, and the Yondaime split his focus because of it.

 _That's what we've been waiting for_ , Shoukin thought, and together the twins cast one of their true collaboration spells as Laurel saturated the room in her power and the construct shaped it into wards of containment in an instant. The clicked into place silently, but nonetheless every single occupant snapped their focus back on the two of them.

It had been inevitable as soon as the wards dropped that their watcher would come in, both twins had known that the moment they chimed defeat. In the event of being revealed, their goals were to secure the room with all potential hostiles trapped with them to avoid an information leak. After that, using a layer in the rune barrier, they could prevent any people inside from moving and take things from there.

Shoukin had frozen them as soon as the barrier was in place - well, frozen wasn't quite the right word. It forcibly relaxed everyone into one of three base positions, either sitting, standing or lying down. They'd used it several times before, attempting it separately (which didn't work instantaneously, having to sacrifice speed for precision) and as a pair during sparring and attacks, effectively stopping the targets from harming themselves or others.

Laurel waited until they were sure the runes had taken hold, just in case, before moving over to Minato to free Naruto and sit him on the bed where Shoukin had been at the start of all of this. Shoukin herself closed the window and locked the doors calmly, ignoring the panicked chakra flares of the frozen males she could feel when she got close enough. The two gingers met in the middle of the room, to figure out what the next step was.

"Lore?"

"Could be worse," the witch reminded. "Mitigation is probably best."

"What about Naruto?" They looked over to the boy, who was wide-eyed in fear. Shoukin wanted to hug him, but waited for her twin's permission to free him.

After the older inclined her head, the golem knelt in front of him, tracing the rune of protection on his forehead and infused it correctly so it glowed in acceptance and activation. The boy shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself and looking down at her with water pooling in his eyes.

"What's going on, Shoukin?" She flinched at the lack of endearment, even knowing he was just scared by how fast everything had changed. He'd never seen either of them truly attack in any way, which had been the goal. Fighting was not staying under the radar, obviously.

Nonetheless, she steeled herself to answer him. "Genie stuff. We won't hurt them, I promise." He looked comforted, knowing their promises were serious and that no one was at risk. _Well, our existence here is, but it might not have sunk in yet after the emotional rollercoaster he's already been subjected to._ "We just need to figure out a way to stop things from getting worse, but Laurel's pretty clever."

Naruto nodded in agreement, "So are you." Shoukin gave a tiny smile before turning around to watch her creator-carer as she paced the room in thought. "But what's with Kakashi's eye?"

The twelve-year old had a good point, actually. The previously-hidden eye wasn't just red, it actually had tiny little black commas swirling around the pupil like finless fish. He had a vertical scar cutting through the eyelid and eyebrow, ending on the rise of his cheekbone just above his mask.

"I don't know, but it's interesting." Shoukin watched the little fish swim, and Kakashi overrode the bindings enough to grind his jaw. _That's not supposed to happen_ , she thought, and stamped her foot to tighten the ward sequence on all three of them. _Better safe than sorry._ "Lore, I hate to rush you, but I just saw Kakashi move."

Laurel's head snapped up, "What?"

She held up her hands to placate her, "I tightened them further, but you might want to think faster so we can get onto enacting it."

The witch sighed, "All I've got so far is a secrecy bind. The tricky one." The golem raised an eyebrow, amazed. "It's the least likely to break, for reasons you already know."

The secrecy bind she was talking about was one Laurel had made in the process of creating Shoukin, and was complicated because it drew from the environment as well as the object or person it was placed on. Usually it was one or the other, but with both it had enough power to anticipate the person subjected to it and prevent them from revealing things in even the tiniest of ways.

It was basically the runic form of the Fidelius charm, and it would probably drain Laurel of enough of her magic to make her pass out briefly if she did three. "That's kinda dangerous, though."

She shrugged, "Can't be helped. We don't know enough about protocol or the kinds of communication they have to prevent it any other way." _She's right about that, considering we know they have at least a few kinds of sign language and likely a few verbal and written codes we would be unable to detect, let alone prevent._

"Alright. Do I need to get ink?" Laurel shook her head, flicking her wrist all the way to get her wand out from her holster.

"I need a proper focus otherwise I might damage something." She snorted in subdued amusement, "Probably myself."

She made a good point, "You do have a bit of track record there." The magical construct had a sudden thought, "But maybe you should use the other one? Then our crossroads friend might be able to help, what with already doing it recently, after all." Shoukin was trying to be vague enough that only Laurel understood, which was tricky with Minato knowing they referred to Death without a gender.

The poison-eyed witch considered this, but eventually declined. "The power difference would affect the clarity. You're just going to have to handle it yourself, sorry."

"S'fine," shrugging in acquiescence, the younger twin perched next to Naruto and they watched together as Laurel swirled her wand in a complicated pattern, unable to force her magic into the correct shape like Shoukin could, unless she was very familiar with the rune sequence.

Neither of them had actually used this properly before, having only tested it on objects and friends to make sure they could do it correctly. All of those versions had been made to be temporary, which was one of the main differences, but after all those practices Laurel would be able to sense whether it had caught properly.

After the first sequence of three, the building of magic became palpable to the naked eye and she was tracing the rune midair, fading as fast as it appeared. The third time through it stayed solid, hanging like a complicated Christmas ornament until she made the last flick and it sank into Kakashi's chest without a trace.

Her creator-carer sagged at the sudden dip in her power levels and it felt to Shoukin like some kind of beast had just eaten half of Laurel's core. "Ugh, that was worse than I thought," she groaned, pressing one hand to her forehead.

The golem sympathised, "I imagine it's because you removed the off-switch." The rolled eyes she got as a response was pretty indicative of what Laurel thought of that. "Are you going to be able to do all three?"

"Maybe not," she was calculating her power levels, tracking how fast it was refilling. "I might be able to manage a temporary one on top of another permanent, which is good enough."

After putting a second secrecy binding on Cat, Laurel fell to her knees panting like she'd run a marathon - or been training with Naruto again. "I am not looking forward to waking up after this. Exhaustion is the worst kind of sickness." The golem saw Kakashi's fingers twitch and it was very lucky she still had her speed runes activated because she was using enough to be able to deflect his kunai by summoning the hot chocolate on the table. The cup shattered under the force of it, but the kunai lost its momentum and thumped to the carpet.

"That was a stupid mistake," Shoukin berated herself, and moved to disarm the two standing men. "Next time we have to remember that shinobi seem to be resistant to willpower-related tricks."

Laurel hummed in acceptance as she forced herself to her feet, swaying slightly. The golem grabbed her elbow to help her steady herself, but let go when her twin motioned to and Shoukin prepared herself for some tricky mental rune manipulation. She'd be able to manage things if she used Laurel's power already soaked into the walls, just tweak it under the slight influence of her own. Trying to do it properly would just drain her and leave Laurel alone with three dangerous shinobi ready to finish them off.

She reinforced the bindings with another wave of power, wrapping all three in so many binding threads that to her magical sight they looked like victims of a very large spider. "That _should_ hold them," considering all the wandless magic she'd been doing, it better work. Shoukin was nearly out of useable magic, and she wasn't willing to override the safety switches in order to access the parts keeping her alive. The witch waved a hand in thanks while walking over to Minato. If she'd had marginally less control over herself, the older twin probably would have been stumbling.

Before the magical human could do the last binding, the construct reminded her, "You still need to summon. You know I can't do it, and you're probably going to pass out after this."

"Try definitely, and you're completely right," Laurel drawled while she called upon Death. Minato's gaze focused on the Primordial immediately, face too relaxed to show what he might be feeling.

 _ **~You do not need to bind this one, he is one of mine.~**_ Death said before their master could start the sequence over again.

She sagged onto the bed thankfully, "Even better. I love not needing to pass out." The being laid a hand on Minato's head, causing him to shudder once in spite of the binding. "So, what now?"

 _ **~They should listen to reason now,~**_ the twins were informed. **_~I will stay.~_**

Shoukin felt like cheering, "That means I can release them, right?" Death let their mist spread through the room until the whole floor was hidden in it, then nodded. She tugged on the threads and rewound the power back inside her form, collapsing the wards in on themselves until the power was singing in her veins and soaking into her bloodstone heart. Now she was back to full power, even if Laurel was nearly on empty. Her core would regenerate fast enough that she'd be fine in about half an hour.

Everyone took a deep breath when the oppressive layer of magic vanished, Cat and Kakashi falling to the floor while Minato didn't even twitch under the Primordial's hand. The silver-haired shinobi covered his red eye as soon as his coordination returned, Cat simply rose until he was leaning against the wall, probably still having trouble standing.

"So…" Shoukin broke the awkward silence. Well, at least, she thought it was awkward, though other people might have said 'tense'. "Now I really want to know what the Kyuubi told you. I mean sure, I'm not human, but Laurel definitely is." Minato didn't seem to be able to move anything other than his eyes which made him look a lot like a person-sized doll. "Could you maybe let him talk?" The golem directed this to the being above Naruto's father. "As long as he's not running off or trying to kill us or whatever, everything should be fine."

Laurel coughed pointedly, and Death did as the construct had said. Before Minato could say anything, the whiskered boy spoke up, "What just happened?"

The Yondaime sighed, resting his head in his hands, "Neither Shoukin nor Laurel are human."

"I knew that," Naruto informed the room. "Just because they don't tell you guys stuff doesn't mean they don't tell me." _Oh, Naruto. You are a beautiful human being, and I'm glad we're keeping you._ "They tell me everything, or say why they can't tell me."

"Then why does Shoukin feel like an extremely complicated seal rather than a person?"

The golem was sick of all of this. If Laurel honestly wanted to stay here they, had to give them something. The twins had already found out that there was no way to possibly slip under the radar, and the shinobi had already been bound so they couldn't consciously reveal the secrets. Minato or Kakashi might even be able to help with Laurel's own bindings, once everyone trusted each other more.

"That's because I am." Shoukin stated, and into the resulting confusion she clarified, "A very complicated seal, I mean. That's what I am." Before Laurel could do anything to stop her, the construct deactivated one of her masking layers to show the rune matrix glowing under her 'skin'.

She still had the bloodstone disguise that made her look like her creator-carer, because it was a bit of a shock to see the enchanted clay and gemstones she was physically made out of. She'd had negative reactions before. Things like people refusing to acknowledge her gender, arguing against proof of her 'life', or considering her an automaton like the Hogwarts Defence System rather than the person she was.

Minato openly gaped, forgoing his ninja stoicism in its entirety and Kakashi was shocked enough for Shoukin to see it visibly. The only other time she'd seen real emotions on the part of his face was during the overwhelming reunion with his sensei, and after while he was still trying to reorient himself. Naruto was as curious as troublemakers tended to be, coming over to trace the glowing shapes shifting slowly across the construct's cheekbone onto her eyelid, lighting her iris from within.

The runes shone a soft white-blue, unlike the gold-green Laurel's pure magic even if that was what had kick started them. Shoukin's rune matrix was created to be self-sustaining for obvious reasons, but the way the gemstones processed the power changed it from Laurel's to Shoukin's. Whatever energy was drawn in from the world around her like mist from a waterfall, and that plus her own very different personality with different mental links and priorities made it the colour it was.

The Yondaime recovered his words, "How could you...create something as complex as a person? I don't doubt that she is - in most ways, if not all - after our day together."

Laurel sighed wearily, "It took a long time, and a lot of work. She's not strictly a kekkei genkai like I've been saying. Shoukin is the combination of my special chakra, and the runes I use to process it, and even though her original purpose was was as a body double, I wanted more than that. To all intents and purposes, she is my twin, and we've spent the last few years trying to figure out who she is and what she could be in time. It's extremely unlikely anyone else could ever replicate what I did and in theory, it does fulfill the requirements of a kekkei genkai. Only my genetic offspring would have the correct chakra to affect anything even similar to Shoukin, and would only be able to copy it under my instruction. The rune theory is one thing, but actually having the control and methodology to complete it is beyond anyone's guess. I learned from a book, and the power that went into it nearly killed me."

That was a fairly good way of avoiding requests for more like herself to fight so the Hokage didn't have to lose 'real people'. _Laurel: saving my ass from before I even had one._ Having siblings made to die would've been something Shoukin couldn't live with knowing, and there was no way her twin would have been able to hide it.

Shoukin reasserted her disguise while she pulled Naruto into her lap. He let her, and she soaked in the warmth of his form against hers, because adopting Naruto as their little brother was one of the best decisions they'd ever made. "So is this an interesting enough secret, Minato?" She watched him over the blonde spikes, and his mouth pulled into a wry grin.

"I would say so. You got anything else like this to share?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out. Truce?"

The former Hokage looked around the room, eyes tracing over Cat, silent and forbidding, Kakashi who was somewhere between aggressive and confused, and the copper-haired woman resting on the bed between Death and the rest of them. "I think we can agree to talk things out sensibly." Shoukin met his summer-blue eyes full-on, reading the challenge in them as he dared her to convince him.

[-]

Shoukin had spilled most of the beans to keep things simple. Trying to keep five different lies relating to the same thing straight was going to get confusing, so the construct shared what Naruto had already been told with the three shinobi. "Laurel's not from anywhere near here. Like, a different reality kind of not-from-here."

Her twin facepalmed, groaning incoherently into her palms at Shoukin's lack of tact.

The construct ignored the incredulous silence blooming, "She's a genie from somewhere like the summoning world, and Naruto found her lamp. That's why she has weird chakra, is capable of screwing with reality and physics - as I'm sure you've noticed - and just explains her general crazy. It's also why she, and by extension, myself, are Naruto's guardians."

Minato made a strangled noise in his throat and Shoukin suddenly realised that Cat hadn't made any kind of noise aside from breathing since he'd teleported inside. Maybe he'd gone into shock or something? Kakashi just blinked his only visible eye and looked unbothered. _I'm going to keep him so hard. On the other hand, though,_ "Cat, are you okay? You're not dying, are you?"

He didn't respond at all so Shoukin looked to her silver-haired friend for an answer. "He's fine," Kakashi said grudgingly. "That's his processing face."

"You can't even see his face," she accused. He shrugged, silently saying that he didn't need to, so the golem conceded the point. "Any questions?"

Kakashi's slate eye bored into her face, "Who were you two talking to before?" She flailed one arm in her creator-carer's direction so she could field that one. _In all honestly, I completely forgot that proper living people can't see Death. Maybe we should get them to do more sneaking as long as it's not in a hospital- no, that is a terrible idea. They might know what we want but there's no way Death won't find some way to make me regret asking._

Laurel put on her serious face as she moved her hands out of the way, "I have a truce with the Shinigami, as you might have been told. People not on the verge of dying can't see them, but since I have the contract, Shoukin isn't technically living enough to not see them, and Minato's actually dead, we can all see them."

"And I recommend we leave that line of questioning for another day," the golem picked up the thread of conversation. The silver-haired ninja looked as if he wanted to continue anyway, but Minato got to the heart of things before he could.

"Why bother revealing yourself to any of the shinobi in Konoha at all?"

"Uh," Shoukin stalled a bit. "It's kinda hard to help Naruto succeed in a vacuum. We needed a legitimate reason to be here and stuck with Naruto so we could help him learn how to be a ninja. That was the original justification anyway."

"After that it was more that there are just so many things wrong here," Laurel shrugged. "Since we're capable of fixing it, why shouldn't we?"

"I guess that means you're not actually an Uzumaki," the Yondaime confirmed. The witch shook her hand in a so-so motion, making Minato frown, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I wasn't when I first got here, but for all intents and purposes I am now. I am actually stuck here for a while yet and because I honestly want to take care of Naruto I basically have to be an Uzumaki." She shared a fond look with the boy sitting in Shoukin's lap, "We've adopted each other."

"Is it possible for anyone else like you to come here?" Kakashi spoke slowly, as if he was tasting the words while he spoke them.

The ginger witch shook her head, choking out a soft, "I am the last." The sorrow bound up in those four small words stopped any further questioning, and Cat and Kakashi vanished into the night.

Laurel pushed her emotions aside to force-feed Naruto and Minato agreed to share an easily applicable secrecy seal. The golem devoted herself to fixing the wards that had exploded before because as soon as Death unsummoned themselves, any protection from outside watchers would be gone. _It's gonna be a long night._

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Guest replies:

Guest (30/7): I mean yeah, they can cut stone with a knife. Technically we can do that too, it just depends on the mineral. What I mean is that in order to cut it cleanly without splinters or dust or bits of rogue cartilage getting everywhere, having a sword in the face seems super unlikely. You sort of think that having a sword or knife or whatever cutting just below eye-line and sharp enough to cut that far, that fast wouldn't have stopped before taking off the top half of his head. A chakra infused weapon would cut through most defensive movements, and at that age Iruka wouldn't have been able to do it himself.

Fact is, we know Iruka survived, and that he had the scar on his face during the Kyuubi attack, already an old wound and whatnot. Logically speaking, ninja-life-hacks aside, it wasn't a killing move. That kind of scar looks very deliberate, more for fun than any true use (eyes are a very close weak point, and crippling in almost every way) but it would still have to be a pretty big wound to cause a scar that big. A clean cut doesn't fit that either. There are a lot of contradictions in that one scar.

Desperate for more: Thank you for your enthusiasm, it's great to hear! Here you go. :D

Heart: Minato is adorable and I want to keep him as a pillow. He's so cute! But, y'know, he is a Hokage, so he's not all sunshine and butterflies.  
Danzou is a problem for later. Like, later-later. He's been a very naughty boy... Hiruzen is not someone I see as power hungry, really. Just tired and old, and sort of stuck. He's an interesting character.  
Tenzou, my poor baby. Everyone's a little busy at the moment, and nobody's got time for introductions. He's going to have to wait a little while because duty calls. Kakashi just loves winding him up, and as a result, us too. Kakashi is such an asshole, it's a wonder he's one of the favourite characters of the fandom. The funny thing is, I think if I ever met him in real life I'd just wanna punch him in the face.

I'm so pleased! (Which line was it, specifically? I worked really hard on that whole scene and I wanna boost my ego a little) Shoukin is hilarious and I love her, and she has become so much bigger than I thought she would. Now that's I've tried it once, Shoukin's POV is probably going to pop up a lot more, and Laurel seems keen to let her co-run the show. She and I have very similar sense of humour, so when I'm in a particular mood, that is actually how I talk. I think it's female prerogative to use periods to scare boys out of a room.

As for Heiji, you have some very good ideas! I might have to put up a poll later on to see what people think, but I will definitely keep those ideas in percolation. I'm sure they're going to be very useful. Thank you so much for your review, I was cackling in delight and I think I woke up a sister this morning. Ooops? :D


	18. Potter Luck Strikes Back

Hey everyone, sorry about the delay. I've been having some issues, including hitting writer's block hard. This is the last of my pre-written chapters, but at least I'm on holiday for a week even if I'm going to be busy for most of it. I'll repost this tomorrow with guest replies and stuff, but right now all I wanna do is sleep. Thank AnFan-n-More for the coherency! Review replies will also happen tomorrow. Sorry again!

Also, the first scene here is from the end of last chapter, I had to move some stuff around for chronology. This is why I wanted to stay ahead of you guys... So maybe go and reread the end of the last chapter?

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18: Potter Luck Strikes Back

[-]

Laurel strolled into Iruka's classroom before the students arrived, "Morning!"

The brunette looked up from his lesson plan for the day, surprised to see the poison-eyed woman when she was usually working by that time of day. "Hello, Laurel. What brings you here?"

"I convinced the Hokage that the plan needs amending after pointing out all the holes. He's letting us figure out the new one as a test, and I'm taking you down with me." She sat on his desk like usual so he couldn't pretend to ignore her, not that he would. He didn't even blink at the knee-length princess dress with petticoats she wore, except to rescue some things that were pushed off by the bulk of her skirts.

"What do you mean?" He'd noticed that normally Laurel was pretty good with plans, that she was going into this scenario so pessimistic seemed out of character for her.

"The main problem is, we have to stick with the Forbidden Scroll being the bait, rather than something like an inspection of the Academy teachings or something so we could watch the ones who scrambled more than normal, the ones who knew what was going wrong here. But we don't have that option, so somehow we have to make this thing with the Forbidden Scroll into a trap only for the saboteur, and not just any interested party." Laurel sighed despondently, "So not only are we going into this on the wrong foot, it's pretty likely Naruto's going to try doing something at some point because he wants to help out and he's about as stubborn as I am, and much better at escaping any attempts to tie him down. I'm thinking maybe we could use him as part of the bait, but I haven't figured out how yet." She rested her chin on one fist, meeting his gaze squarely while she waited for him to say something.

"What about the bait being Naruto having already stolen the scroll?" The coffee-haired chuunin suggested. "Then we just need to figure out what rumour to leak and when to get the right people involved. Naruto can have your usual caretakers hiding nearby, so he's not actually in danger, and he won't get into any unexpected trouble because he's involved from the start."

Iruka leaned back in his chair, mind running through all the different ideas and how they could interest different types of people. It was tricky though: trying to only get the Academy saboteurs was lot more work than it could've been without the limits they had to work in. _Laurel's right; an inspection would've been much easier._

"How about we come back to the part where we narrow down the people who bite. Have you got a way to contain any who do?" He asked, thinking of her creative use of runes and seals. The copper-haired woman was downright dangerous with a brush, and her twin wasn't far off, either.

Laurel looked thoughtful, which spelled bad things for whoever they did end up catching. "I have some area seals we can use if prepared, and otherwise we could give the ANBU some, uh, paralysing tags? I guess paralysing is the right word for it. Those are still being developed though, and Shoukin's trying to figure out how to make them less effective."

"Why less?" He had to ask. _How could a paralysing tag be too effective?_

The look she gave him was the 'you're going to feel really stupid for asking in a moment' one that came up a lot when he argued about seals with her. "Well, I figure we want them able to breathe and blink, or even have a beating heart so they can be interrogated later, correct?"

 _There it is_ _,_ "Yeah, I guess." She snorted in amusement, and he didn't blame her. That was pretty obvious in hindsight. "So aside from those two types, they'll have to be physically subdued?" Laurel indicated her agreement, and the instructor accepted that so they could move on. "Back to the bait, then."

"How about we think of what we know of their goals and work our way backwards?" the pale-skinned female suggested.

The pair sat in silence, the chatter of the village gradually rising from outside the building. They probably had about 20 minutes until the students started filtering in, so they needed to get this sorted out as quickly as possible in order to get all the little details sorted out.

"Well, from what we've found in the paper trail, they've been reducing both the teacher competence and student quality for a while, probably longer than 15 years and definitely from before I started at the Academy myself. Various parts cut out like the workshops to advertise for apprenticeships and let them know about possible specialisations, the history and customs of the other Elemental Nations, the more applicable parts of kunoichi lessons like poisons, and so on. So maybe threatening the stability of those differences? Saying something like there's a forbidden jutsu that gives ancient knowledge, or, uhhh-"

"-Contains a basic education from the time of the Shodaime Hokage?" Laurel interrupted, and at his skeptical look she clarified, "Like, it's only forbidden because it's obsolete: Konoha is no longer in the Warring Clans Era, or fresh out of it and doesn't need to be ready for imminent collapse. It's a jutsu created by the Shodaime, which is why it's on the scroll at all. If Naruto learns it he'll both suddenly be a competent ninja - which they don't want because everyone hates him - and he'll go blabbing to the Hokage - which they also don't want because that reveals exactly what's been missing. They know he _will_ go blabbing because the Sandaime is the only reason the boy isn't actually dead yet, and Naruto's convinced he hung the moon."

Despite the seriousness of the discussion, Iruka couldn't hold back a snort of laughter at her phrasing, and she grinned back at him before sobering. "It could work," his dark-chocolate eyes flicked around the room, spotting the one-way silencing seals she'd learnt from someone else.

She hadn't specified who yet, but that in itself was a bit of a giveaway. Iruka knew Kakashi had learnt seals from his sensei, and Laurel had the silver-haired shinobi over for dinner the night before according to the gossiping people who lived two doors down. They'd been out late for dinner and walked past while the man was escaping, and Kakashi had a very distinct shade of hair even without the ever-present mask. He was the only person currently in Konoha who had both the knowledge and the secret-keeping tendencies, completely aside from the fact that apparently Laurel had gotten over her animosity.

Actually, maybe Shoukin was responsible, since them being friends did not seem too far out of the realm of possibility. Laurel's twin had a liking for messing with people that rivalled the masked ninja's, maybe they bonded over that.

Back to their current endeavour, "When and how should we leak it? ANBU are too obvious a trap, and we want to give them enough of a head start that we're sure that's why they're after Naruto."

"In that case, it's probably better to just mention that an Academy student has the scroll and the ANBU are betting on whether or not he succeeds with a jutsu, but aren't bothered because it's not actually dangerous. Then that pulls in anyone interested or involved with that age group, being parents and teachers mostly, maybe some of the future senseis. Then let them find out what the jutsu supposedly does and who has it, and if they try hard enough to figure out where Naruto is, then it's as good as we're going to get for an indication of involvement." The copper-haired woman hummed thoughtfully, nailing out everything with an efficiency that had to come from practice. "But where to put him? Can't be somewhere too dangerous because he's not even a genin, and a trouble magnet to boot. But still enough that the ANBU know where he is at least vaguely, even if they're not required to keep him out of trouble."

"Most if not all of us teachers know about his guard, so they'll probably assume it's that. But that means we'll need to be alert for any kind of distractions, since getting Naruto alone, and then away from the scroll will be their priorities," Iruka realised, and the sounds of children drawing nearer told the pair that their time was nearly up. "I have a better knowledge of Konoha, so I'll think of a place for Naruto to be stationed, you think of requirements for your area seals and come back at lunch so we can finish this."

"Alright," Laurel agreed, flitting across to her seals to deactivate them before vanishing out his door with a rustle of fabric. Iruka had enough time to refocus on the day to come before the first of his kids barreled through.

[-]

It was Wednesday, the day of the exam. The day Laurel, Shoukin and Naruto had been preparing for ever since Laurel emerged from the lamp that first time.

By this stage, the boy knew she hadn't always been a genie and that she'd not become one voluntarily. The twins had told him that they were here to figure out how to free her, but didn't talk about what would happen afterwards beyond assuring him they wouldn't leave suddenly and they didn't know. It was going to take a long while to undo the bindings, and Naruto would be kept up to date with what was going on, so he eventually dismissed it from his mind. He trusted them enough, after how long they'd spent answering any and all questions (aside from Laurel's true name. That was at least half because he thought he already knew it, thank Death).

Over the three months he'd had his 'sister twins', they'd helped him reach the stage where the whiskered blonde could be considered at least competent, and at best already starting to specialise.

With Cat, Anko, Yuugao-as-Owl and Iruka covering the things the two gingers couldn't account for, he had grown so much. They had cajoled, bullied and bribed Naruto into getting up to the standard Academy student level, and finally started on some of the more interesting things the three Uzumaki had found in the copied library books.

In ninja-related skills, Naruto had cleaned up his taijutsu, both the Academy style and one of the ones from the book as much as possible. There was still the odd occasion where his muscle memory screwed him over, but they were working on it, and the new style seemed to be working out. He was capable of pranking Jounin-level opponents successfully and getting away without getting caught (they'd tested this many times to Iruka's amused horror). He could disguise himself as a child civilian with ease, and use his henge skills for more complicated disguises more than convincingly.

He'd figured out two different kinds of clone, even if he still couldn't do the basic Academy one, and his replacement was good enough that he was onto reducing the seals he needed to use it. Obviously his henge was still his best basic jutsu, being able to literally transform himself into the desired objects unlike the surface illusion every other shinobi was taught. In that particular case, the substitute teacher's negligence had actually done them all a good turn.

Together the trio had conquered the dreaded History book - though Shoukin was the only one who actually read it properly all the way through. They'd thrown enough kunai to leave dents in the targets, Naruto had beaten several logs into splinters, and took great pleasure in forcing the twins to follow him through his brutal morning routine. Because of this, their games of tag had finally reached the point where either magical being could outrun the boy for up to a hour.

In return, Anko tortured him with chakra control exercises and helped the two gingers beat tactics into his head. His head for sabotage and trapping was impressive and devious. Now that the blonde had gained knowledge on how to create his own basic seal forms on a whim, he was very, very good at pissing people off.

They mastered all kinds of explosive tags - including paint and water ones - even if the flash-bangs had been a bit of a flop. That was a weekly group riddle since a flash-bang really shouldn't be that hard to create, and it seemed impossible to the witch that nobody had tried or even screwed up enough by accident to make one.

The witch had also instilled some more applicable life-skills like cooking, cleaning, manners and gardening - though that last one was all Shoukin. Laurel could keep a plant alive, but didn't really have the talent for it beyond that. Explaining social norms and those pesky forever-unspoken rules of socialising had gone a long way for making Naruto's normal behaviour a mask he put on for the public. The boy had toned down his reactions in class with Iruka, but kept up the act for every adult that had judged him.

Until he was officially a ninja and therefore out of reach of civilian machinations and laws, it was better they all thought him stupid. Naruto actually had a lot of fun fooling people for the most part, and contrary to the village's beliefs most of the bones in his body were inclined to being subtle. In obnoxious, clever ways, sure, but the blonde liked knowing for sure that he was more than what they thought he was.

On Laurel's end of things, sparring with Cat was always a good time. Anko had started picking up the trend and tended to go more full-on in her attempts to grind the witch and golem into the ground than their polite ANBU friend. When she caught up with Iruka they tended to discuss teaching techniques and the Academy, teasing apart all the ways to fix what had been broken by their industrial saboteurs. Yuugao was good for chakra theory discussions and the interesting control-developing techniques that neither twin wanted to wait to try out. Sadly, they did have to, because there was not a lot of free time even with there being two to handle the workload.

Shoukin had ended up taking over half her shifts in the office while they alternated between deciphering the lamp binding and working with Minato on seals. Although Laurel knew they'd needed to diversify his skills so he could pass, she was hoping after Naruto had gotten a sensei the boy would still have time for them to work on the skills he already had. Figuring out more effective or interesting ways to use the things he already knew, rather than learning lots of new jutsu.

The replacement or kawarimi would be a good one to start on, depending on what the limits were for the object on the other side of the replacement. If it was possible to gradually get smaller and smaller objects to switch with, eventually in theory Naruto should be able to replace himself with air - effectively teleporting.

All of this was important, because the poor Academy student was freaking out like a headless chicken. It was fun to watch if you didn't know him, but fairly concerning after taking all of this growth into account.

"Naruto, hold up." Laurel grabbed him on his shoulders, forcing him to look at her in the face. "You can do this." He took a deep breath, and exhaled his nerves. Naruto's summer-blue eyes showed his anxiety even as his expression settled into the particular brand of stubborn determination he was known for. "Oh sweetheart," she brushed her hands up over his neck to cup his face, rubbing her thumbs over his whisker markings. Laurel leaned his forehead against his in comfort, "You have the strongest heart of anyone I've ever known. This will not defeat you, it can't after everything else you've done."

"It has before," he whispered, gaze flickering to the door to the assessment room behind her and back.

Laurel sighed softly, "Not anymore. Now, after learning from so many different people who believe in you as much as I do, you know what you are truly capable of. You know who you can be, what's actually important, why you're doing this. By becoming a ninja for more than yourself, pushing beyond limits becomes more than just an action and into an expectation, a habit. You _can_ do this, and you will _succeed_." The copper-haired woman tugged him into an all-encompassing hug. "I believe in you, Naruto. You've had so much faith in yourself up until this, don't stop now."

His fingers dug into Laurel's shoulder blades and she tightened her grip on him when she felt the wet warmth of the boy's eyelashes against the skin of her neck. "I love you, Laurel-nee."

"I love you too. Now, go show Iruka-sensei how much you've grown as if he doesn't already know, okay?"

Naruto nodded, both of them letting go so he could walk through the door. She watched the clean spikes of hair and vibrant orange jumpsuit vanish, knowing she still needed to watch his test to make sure he'd pass. Laurel had faith in him, she hadn't been lying - but the witch had promised he would pass no matter what.

To that end, the poison-eyed woman walked off to the closest bathroom to do some witchcraft. There'd have to be some quick transfiguration and fluffing around with the invisibility cloak, but Laurel wasn't the only objective for the ANBU to be watching.

If she got caught, though, it would be a pretty bad disaster. She was supposed to be completely trustworthy now, which meant no sneaking off or anything properly dangerous. The witch was gambling on the fact that there was an even more risky endeavour happening later on in the day for the Potter Luck to mess with, which should hopefully put it off. From experience, they'd figured out when things went wrong it was more likely everything went to hell in a handbasket rather than the more simple minor issues. If the traitor trap was going to go wrong like she expected, Laurel might as well get some good luck out of it now.

[-]

The witch cursed her luck under her breath, drawing Iruka's attention while they sprinted towards Naruto's designated 'scroll study' location for the trap.

The brunette spoke evenly, in spite of the speed they were moving through the streets of Konoha. "Why didn't you look surprised?" By that stage, the ninja had figured out her tells for the most part. Unless she pulled out the special techniques like keeping her emotions tied down in her mindscape for the truly important times, Iruka knew at a glance what kind of mood she was in.

"I've been waiting for this." She saw the way he raised his eyebrows while he tilted his head to direct her. "Every time I do something properly risky, it tends to go badly. The real issue is figuring out what we can do to stop people ending up dead." With that thought running through her mind, Laurel pushed herself even harder and skidded through the treeline of the training ground Naruto had been sent into.

 _Now's a better time to summon Shoukin, she can help us look._ The witch's hard work paid off in that she had two new wandless spells, the most important being the awakening spell, **eviglio aetus**. With it she could now wake up her heart-sister for battle - even if the more casual situations were still out of reach without assistance. Laurel still used the spoken directions to stabilise the charms and reduce the amount of power output needed, but the witch no longer relied on her wand.

Shoukin, once awake, could enlarge herself to the correct dimensions. In other cases a **finite** would normally work fine, but as an enchanted object the golem was made to be immune to magic-cancelling spells. Laurel didn't trust herself with enlarging yet, sometimes it backfired or exploded still. The witch encanted the spell and felt her twin jump from her shoulder at a run, appearing in an instant next to Iruka.

The shinobi flinched, not having encountered the proof of Shoukin being her 'kekkei genkai', even if he had been told about it.

"We need to find Naruto, now." Laurel explained, scanning for the tracking rune the blonde had agreed to. With both twins actively searching they could triangulate the location, rather than just knowing it was 'that direction'.

The magical construct shook her head, "Not in range."

"He's not in this training ground then," she confirmed, and they turned as one to their companion, "Where?"

"Most likely number 23, it's the closest one he's come across before and Naruto's used it as a hiding spot before." Iruka didn't look pleased about this, and when they asked why he said, "It was recently used in a siege simulation, with traps and everything. Disassembly was scheduled for the day after tomorrow since there were still teams who wanted to use it."

They started running once more, but Shoukin was still confused, "Naruto's fantastic with traps, why is this a problem? He can handle any level of traps - we tested that."

Laurel ducked around a sharp corner while Iruka anchored a hand with chakra long enough to carry his momentum through. They darted through alleyways, the instructor in the lead and twins nearly brushing shoulders. The compacted dirt beneath their feet threw up clouds of dust after the week of sunshine they'd hand, but it didn't matter that they were leaving a trail behind them. The ANBU already knew where they were going, and nobody else was going to care until the alert sounded, which was what the trio were trying to prevent.

When the hickory-haired chuunin started slowing down and suppressing his chakra, the witch finally answered her heart-sister. "Naruto isn't the only Academy student in the middle of this." At Shoukin's wide eyes and Iruka's hands indicating quiet, the witch lowered her voice even further. They snuck around a corner, "The 'bastard', Sasuke Uchiha, and one of the fangirls saw the teacher sneaking off and followed."

The training ground was separated by the typical stone wall - created by precise earth-jutsu, Yuugao had said - but inside there was a desert village. The buildings were round domes, the ground made from sand shining like rose-gold under the afternoon light. At first glance everything looked fine, but Laurel's eyes caught on scorch marks and chunks taken out of the stone hemispheres, or glass circles dotting the sands.

Iruka took the lead, waiting to make sure there wasn't anyone in line of sight before vaulting the wall and darting into the shadows behind a house. Laurel waited five seconds before following, mildly surprised by the sudden change in humidity and temperature, and Shoukin came after another five. "What's the plan?" the younger twin breathed, keeping watch over the way they'd just been. Out of the three of them, Iruka was the best with traps and the witch was the most comfortable with leading, so Shoukin had automatically started gathering the information that she could.

"I can see three traps from here, so I'll keep us from tripping any while you think of a proper plan," dark-chocolate eyes assessed the twins' agreement before returning to his self-assigned task.

Laurel focused on the part that sensed her own magic, feeling the weak emanation of her seal. "I've found Naruto, but I'm more concerned about the other two and I have no clue where they could be. Do you have any kind of sensory abilities?"

Iruka crouched down, digging his fingers in the sand for a moment, but stood with a shake of his head while brushing the grains off his fingers. "I can try something else but you'll have to be completely silent." The twins nodded, so the brunette closed his eyes and tilted his head while Shoukin stopped breathing entirely and the older woman held her breath. After listening for around ten seconds, Iruka reported, "I've found everyone, but we're going to have to be quick or things are about to get nasty."

"Lead the way," Laurel ordered, and they followed in the man's footsteps as he told them what he'd heard.

Sasuke and Ino had come in through the other side of the training ground, the boy following the teacher and Ino following her object of obsession. Naruto was holed up out of sight in the middle of the mock-town and muttering to himself to draw in the saboteur, rustling the paper occasionally when he fell silent.

The rogue teacher was closing in, weaving around the traps for the most part and apparently already wounded. Mizuki - Iruka had recognised him when they'd first started out, and his breathing patterns were consistent enough that it probably wasn't a disguise - wasn't even trying to be quiet, cursing to himself and taking the time to double check himself as he moved towards their blonde charge.

Just before they got within line of sight of the other people involved in this, they heard a short feminine scream and a low grunt of pain, quickly followed by Naruto yelling something indistinct. Iruka grabbed both women and shunshinned to the top of one of the houses so they could see what was going on.

 _I would've preferred to stay out of sight in case of carrying out an ambush,_ Laurel had barely enough time to think before figuring out what had happened.

Ino had gotten surprised by Mizuki, and lashed out instinctively with her honed reflexes that the white-blonde girl suppressed in classes. The instructor had been forced to take a step back or get hit, and had triggered a shuriken trap. When he'd dodged Sasuke had gotten hit by it instead, not expecting an attack from behind via a trap he'd already cleared - that was the grunt of pain. Naruto (three houses down with a view through an empty window) had yelled in supposed victory to draw Mizuki away from his classmates, but the white-haired teacher had spotted Iruka and the twins crouching on another roof and narrowed his eyes at the trio.

 _He's got a new target now: there's no way Mizuki can get to Naruto with Iruka here and he knows that._ Laurel brushed her fingers against the golem's shoulder in warning, telling Iruka, "Distract him." Their first priority was to get the other students out of danger, and as the better healer out of the two of them, the witch would go for Sasuke. They separated to take care of their different objectives, but the Potter Luck kicked in once more.

Sasuke, dazed from the injury, lashed out at Shoukin as she rushed past. The construct avoided the hit, triggered another trap (this one a plume of fire) and managed to avoid most of it, but her loose hair caught aflame. Laurel stopped the Uchiha from following her twin through the elemental trap easily, just before he turned on her instead. Unable to just cart him out of the danger zone, she was forced to waste precious seconds fending off his sharp jabs until he grabbed one of the metal stars imbedded in his back and struck out.

Meanwhile, Iruka and his coworker were duking it out, the brunette navigating around the traps he needed to, and forcing Mizuki into the others. It made the witch wish she had a way of watching them; apparently from Naruto's laughter it looked pretty entertaining.

Because of this, when Laurel heard a whistle of metal headed right for her, she wrapped her arms around the boy in front of her and rolled them to avoid pushing the shuriken further into his flesh, regardless of her own. "Hold still," she hissed at the boy, not truly expecting him to listen. Being one of the least-familiar adults, it was unlikely Sasuke would believe she wasn't an enemy of some kind.

As the raven-haired boy struggled to his feet, Laurel caught a glimpse of Ino being carried by Shoukin out of the training ground the way she came, the girl's arctic blue eyes wide with concern. Mizuki took her moment of distraction to throw a kunai at the witch's face, missing her by millimetres when she flattened herself back against the sand beneath her.

The blooming sensation Laurel associated with an activating explosive tag was unneeded incentive for her to twist into a standing position. After calculating the size from the amount of chakra, she threw the injured boy into a clear spot among the numerous traps while the 22-year-old raced to get herself out of range. She heard Mizuki laugh, saw Sasuke land on his hands and knees - _safe_ \- and then felt an odd twisting sensation like someone correcting her step just before she twisted her ankle, except over her whole body.

Laurel was suddenly inside the house where Naruto had just been, the blonde having taken her place on the edge of the explosion just as the billowing flames covered where she'd just been. In any ordinary situation she would have screamed for him, but she'd just been fighting and in all her fights - unless she forced herself to think slowly enough to speak - Laurel was silent instinctively.

 _He just…_ A small body was pushed by the expanding energy few steps from where Sasuke had ended up, and the poison-eyed witch barely noted the rising of breaths before focusing on Mizuki.

 _...I'm going to make him pay for that._

The thought was lonely in the emptiness of her mind, as if Laurel was in the centre of a whirling firestorm. She had enough control of herself in the burning clarity of her rage to keep her wand in its holster even as she weaved through the wire maze to where her enemy was positioned. She calculated angles, weight and lines of sight, fingering the shuriken Sasuke had driven into her shoulder, yanking it absently from the meat where her neck joined her torso.

The witch twisted her magic as she threw, channelling her emotions to make the metal hot to the touch and banishing it at Mizuki as she summoned the side of his chuunin vest to make him face it dead-on. It met the skin just above his shirt collar, cauterising the wound as it carved it, and the chuunin screamed, in both shock and pain. It would stay closed as long as he left it there, with the magic she'd infused in it. After all, they still needed to question him. _Nobody's idiotic enough to pull out the weapon keeping them alive_ _-_

Apparently Mizuki _was_ that stupid - or that desperate. Laurel had been planning on drawing out his death a little later, after Iruka's interrogation to get the answers they needed and healing Naruto. Instead she was forced to apparate over and try to wandlessly hold back the blood flow, and when that failed she drew her holly wand in her efforts to keep him alive.

 _He's lost too much blood and I have no idea how a blood-replenishing potion would affect his system even if I could pour one down his throat fast enough,_ Laurel realised, and tucked her wand away before someone could steal it. "Iruka stay with him. If you can do anything, then do it." She rushed over to her blonde baby and sister, subconsciously avoiding the few traps left in the area plus the plethora of pointy objects littering the shifting grains.

Shoukin had done enough for his natural fast healing to kick in without consequences, and since he was still alive and breathing Naruto was going to stay that way. She held back from embracing him, knowing even knocked-out it would be more pain than it was worth. Laurel could wait. She didn't even bother speaking, just locked eyes with her twin where she knelt next to their little brother.

To Sasuke (probably trying to process what had just happened without the advantage of two types of speed runes or the life hack of extreme chakra training) Laurel did feel the need to tell him, "Don't move, it's not over yet. Stay with Shoukin." He barely nodded, but the acknowledgement was enough for her to feel comfortable in returning to their target in time to hear the insults Mizuki was hurling at his coworker and supposed friend.

 _I'm half-glad I can't do Legilimency simply because it would be too tempting right now. We need to know what he does, but how to get him to share it?_ The redhead discarded plans almost as soon as they formed, all with major flaws in them. The most likely positive result only came from Iruka asking, because spite was an excellent motivator and Mizuki knew he was dying. _But spite could also be why he stays silent… still, it's better to try something than nothing._

Laurel nodded to her friend from where Mizuki couldn't see her, and took over the task of keeping the traitor alive as long as possible.

"Why? How could you do this, Mizuki?" Iruka asked, making the woman want to hide her face. _That's not going to get us anything useful, but I can't say anything to Iruka that won't give the game away! I would've antagonised him, made him angry so something useful might slip out. Tell him it was all for nothing and we were going to hunt them down one by one, and maybe get something stupid like 'so-and-so is stronger/smarter/better than you, you'll never catch them!'. Then we'd know someone else to go for, or maybe even the instigator of all of this._

The snow-haired chuunin laughed, "I killed the Kyuubi! I did it. Something you were always to _weak_ to do, and I finished the demon!" Laurel shook her head before Iruka could respond to that, mouthing 'we need information' to keep him on track. They didn't have time to waste, not with the amount of blood he was losing.

His chocolate eyes hardened in determination, "We won't let you win."

"We already have," Mizuki gurgled, just finishing his sentence before passing out in the prelude to his inevitable death. There was nothing else to be done, no more to be said.

She punched the ground in frustration, "Great. Now we have to figure things out without inside information." Laurel shook her head and got to her feet, helping Iruka into a standing position next to her. "I'm going to ask his fiancee later, maybe she knows something now that we can admit he was a traitor and his life was forfeit." She looked to him for confirmation, "That is how it works, right? Traitors get killed?"

Iruka nodded, but his mind was elsewhere. He looked sad, angry and worried all at the same time, and Laurel wasn't even a little bit surprised when he made his way over to Naruto to check on him. "Will he be okay?"

Shoukin smiled sadly, "Naruto's going to be fine. He'll need to stay in a bed for the rest of today and all of tonight, and after that his skin will be a bit sensitive until the end of the week. It's only due to shock and the sheer amount that needs to be healed that he's not awake right now. He's tough," the golem looked down at the small body in her lap, her hands twitching like she wanted to run them through what was left of his hair.

She had rolled him onto the least-injured side of his body, exposing the raw bleeding mess of his burns to the air, but better that than getting sand in everything. They'd never figured out whether Naruto's captive bothered consciously healing or if it was just a side-effect of having the chakra fox sealed inside. It would make a big difference with things stuck inside the wounds, because natural healing just went around rather than forcing the object out and repairing properly. There was still a while yet before it would be a proper issue because the internal damage was being undone first, and working outwards from there.

Iruka passed a green-glowing hand over Naruto's chest and head, examining their child with his combat-medic skills. "We need to get him back to the apartment for treatment, he doesn't need the hospital."

"He need anything complicated, or can I take care of things?" Shoukin asked.

The chuunin considered things, "Nothing you can't handle. Just treat him like a civilian, his own chakra is taking care of the problem but some help won't go amiss."

"Iruka and I will take care of things here," Laurel's gaze settled on the onyx-eyed boy watching Naruto with the barest hint of surprise. "We'll see you later." In the corner of her eye she saw her twin scoop the child into her arms with no trouble, then follow Iruka's directions out of the training ground. To the Academy instructor, she said, "We need to get them out of the training ground."

"We can leave the body for ANBU, they'll do a more thorough search than either of us, plus we have the kids to worry about." Laurel let him approach the boy first, since Sasuke knew Iruka and vice versa.

After Iruka had calmed him down, they led Sasuke out of the training ground so the ANBU could do their work unseen and they could talk to Ino at the same time. _Easier to only have to say things once, right?_

The blonde girl was shocked silent where she was perched on the wall, having been able to see essentially everything from her position. After awkwardly standing around in a back alleyway waiting for someone to say something, Laurel eventually broke the silence. "So, Mizuki was a traitor, any questions?"

The Yamanaka heir opened her mouth, but closed it silently. In a reversal of the usual dynamic, Sasuke scowled darkly, "What was Naruto thinking, the idiot?"

"Naruto knew he could survive an explosion better than I could and chose to take my place when he saw I couldn't move fast enough. _Admittedly, I'm not so sure how he was able to see and comprehend things as fast as he did, but I had already chosen to take the temporary injuries rather than apparate. I can heal burns nearly in my sleep after all the practice I got at Saint Mungo's and only spell residue really stalls me out._ "I can heal the damage as well as he can even if my way is slower, but Naruto doesn't know that. I'll have to tell him when he wakes up so we don't have a repeat later on."

"I... " Ino seemed lost for words. "But why would he do that?"

"Naruto's the kind of person who would do anything to protect the people he cares about, regardless of whether it's clever or useful, or even safe," Iruka clarified, and the realisation dawned on her face. Sasuke just looked empty, not unlike particularly grumpy log.

The mental image cheered her up enough that the solemn look slipped from her face, even as she ran internally through her options in order to solve the lack of information. So far Laurel hadn't been able to come up with anything, but her instincts were telling her there was a very obvious solution she was overlooking. _It will come in time, I suppose. In the meantime, we have curious children to get home_ _._

"We should get you two home," she murmured, offering the girl a hand to hold in comfort. When she accepted, the witch pulled Ino into a hug slowly enough for her to pull away if she didn't want it, carefully rubbing a hand over her back. "'Ruka, you know where we're going, right?"

"I do," he answered as he started walking, Sasuke trailing slightly where he walked to the instructor's left. Laurel and Ino followed up behind, the girl letting her loop an arm behind her back for comfort. It was a quiet walk back through the streets of Konoha, in spite of evening crowds.

[-]

It was as Laurel was trotting up the steps that she finally remembered what it was that had been bothering her, and it was such a surprise that the usually-graceful woman tripped. She caught herself on her forearms easily enough, but she hadn't had the functioning power to suppress her instinctive squeak.

Iruka helped her to her feet, having accepted her offer to stay the night and keep an eye on Naruto. After the afternoon they'd just had, Laurel didn't think it was likely he'd actually manage to sleep elsewhere. He had class to run the next day. Even if it was the graduation test, it still wasn't going to be easy to do on zero hours of sleep and down an assisting teacher.

Laurel herself had a meeting with the Hokage to discuss her and Iruka's plan, and what had happened in the end. If she managed to use the trick the witch had just remembered she was capable of, it wouldn't be a problem. To do so she'd have to lock herself in the bathroom and pretend to have a long soak in the silenced room, but that wasn't actually hard to carry out.

"Are you alright?" Iruka asked.

"Fine," she squeezed his hand with her own and smiled up at him, "Just remembered something. Thank you." He nodded, letting go as they walked up the last few steps to Naruto's front door. "Shoukin?"

"Bathroom!" The golem called, and they changed their direction accordingly.

Naruto was awake and perched on the edge of the bath while Shoukin finished coating the worst of the burns with a soothing salve. He showed them a tiny real smile, obviously having learnt that his normal face-splitting one also cracked open the scabs. The boy had a light blanket for modesty resting on his lap, and didn't seem bothered at all by the red patches blooming from the left half of his back all across the front of his torso. There were parts on both legs and his left arm, but his right side was mostly untouched and when he went to bed later that was what he would have to lie on. More than half of his hair had been burnt off even if his face was fine - his fast healing had prioritised the sensory centre regardless of how it had taken less damage than most of the rest of him.

"How are you feeling?" Laurel crouched in front of him when Shoukin moved to the sink to wash off the remaining salve.

Her perceptive child offered her the unhurt hand, seeing her desire to embrace him warring with common sense. "I'm alright. Hurts a little, obviously," Naruto went to shrug but stopped himself before he broke something. "Shoukin-nee says the cream will help my skin regenerate so Kyuubi can focus on my nerves and stuff."

She traced fingers over the tendons on the back of his hand, watching the way he flexed them beneath her attention. "We can grow your hair back once you're better, and it'll be like you were never hurt." Her poison-coloured eyes slid up to meet his own, "Now, something this made me realise is that you don't know my own healing capabilities. In an attempt to avoid needless sacrifices, let me break it down for you, okay?" Laurel smiled at his attentiveness, "Without conscious manipulation, I heal the same speed as everyone else, which is what you've seen. I can heal any burns, unless Shoukin caused them because our energy is too similar and it lingers. I can close all but the most life-threatening cuts because with my current technique for scanning people not working, I can't narrow my focus enough in time to fix things. Broken bones take lots of short bursts, but I can do it. I can't heal diseases or genetic disorders, but poisons are fine. I haven't had to treat jutsu-caused injuries directly before so I'm not sure about those, but otherwise it's safe to assume I can fix it given enough time."

Of course, that was saying nothing for whether she would be willing to use her wand to do so, and half of her healing spells (given she didn't know that many and it was simply a matter of focus and control) did actually require her to use it in order to get the desired results. It was very simple to kill someone with healing spells done wrong, and she had used them for that purpose before. That's why threatening a healer into working usually didn't end well for the person doing it, or the prospective patient. Patching someone up just enough to escape was easily done.

Healing her own self was a few steps up from instinctual, after years of meditation plus her basic medical knowledge. Her magic allowed her to tell when something was wrong or out of rhythm, and her healing skills made sure she knew what to do in order to fix it. Shoukin was also an easy fix because it was either repairing the rune lattice, or just rebuilding her physical form entirely. Her back-up memory matrix was the necklace Laurel wore.

"Will you be okay to eat?" When he indicated a positive, Laurel suggested something to cheer him up after the difficult day he'd survived. "How about ramen? You've done really well today, and you definitely deserve comfort food-"

Naruto interrupted her with a cheer, visibly restraining himself from doing more than grinning for all of their sakes.

He only got louder when Iruka pulled out his hitae-ate, ready for use on a strip of reinforced black fabric with the leaf symbol crisp and untouched.

[-]

The witch filled up the bath while tracing runes on the floor, walls, ceiling, door and window to allow simple sounds to filter through, but not words. She dropped a paralysing seal - derived from a stasis spell, hence the issues in keeping people alive. It was made for simple life-forms at best, like a flower - in the bath and it sat on top of the water to keep it warm while she used the Resurrection Stone.

"Mizuki of Konohagakure and unknown allegiances," Laurel had to specify because he didn't have a last name, and getting a horde of spirits called 'Mizuki' would be way more trouble than it was worth.

The white-haired soul appeared in a shimmer like a heat wave, looking defiant and confrontational. He opened his mouth to say something, but the ginger cut him off, "Only speak to answer my questions truthfully." Whether he liked it or not, Mizuki had to obey her. "Tell me everything of how you came to be part of the conspiracy aiming to sabotage the Academy."

He didn't have the power to resist her Death-enforced commands, and so the whole story came out. It was a wild convoluted mess, beginning with a mission after reaching the rank of Chuunin and spiralling from there.

Mizuki had gone on a mission with two fellow chuunin to recover a scroll detailing some of the inner workings of the guard shifts inside Konoha after the Uchiha Police had been… disbanded (for a sudden lack of Uchiha, mostly). Mizuki and his teammates managed to get the scroll from the unmarked nin but in the process of returning to Konoha they were ambushed and one of the others was injured into immobility. While the squad leader used a minor summons contract to return the scroll to the village, the white-haired man was left with his injured teammate.

That was where things started getting sticky: in a series of events Mizuki had never truly untangled, he assessed his teammate's injury as a major hindrance and sliced his wound up so it opened the vein at the apex of the leg, and he bled out. A hidden Kusa stealth specialist witnessed this action, while the mission leader returned just in time to watch his last breath leave him.

The pair returned successful but solemn, and the Kusa nin took the information back to their leader. Weeks later, Mizuki was approached by one of the Academy instructors of the time and that was the start of Kusa feeling him out as a possible new agent of their conspiracy against Konoha and their goal of bringing the village down around the Hokage's ears from the inside.

Mizuki and Iruka both applied for the position of a teacher at the Academy, the older for the sake of carrying out his new goals and the younger to find a comfortable way for him to serve the village without killing - or being forced to do paperwork every day, like at the mission desk. Because of that mission, Mizuki was refused for the job while Iruka succeeded, infuriating Mizuki because he felt like he deserved it after the way he'd helped Iruka study for the position. His motivation for this was to ingratiate himself further with Iruka, using the way most everyone perceived the brunette as morally untouchable to diffuse suspicion while getting into a position of power.

It took another year for him to get the job, and from there Mizuki became the main source of the degradation of Konoha's shinobi teachings.

Throughout this whole story, Laurel was writing notes so she could fake a diary or some kind of correspondence with which to frame the man. _Is it framing if it's true? A riddle for Shoukin to contemplate, I think. I have some personal effects to fake in the meantime_ _._ "I want you to take control of my hand, and with it write exactly what I say…"

[-]


	19. How To Frame A Dead Person

Okay, so first off I'd like to apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. That happens occasionally, but luckily the end of the semester is in sight! I had a brief bout of writer's block that is now better. I have just a few more weeks before holidays start and I will have free time for writing again.

This chapter HAS NOT BEEN EDITED, so you know. I've basically just given it an end since it's been sitting 4/5 completed for about a month. I was gonna research to check for accuracy, but I'm sure if any of you actually care you'll point it out, right? I am so sorry this took so long, and your reviews have helped a lot!

And lastly, I do know that in canon, Mizuki's fiance was both called Tsubaki and a shinobi. Rather than change her into a civilian and get a whole lot of corrections, I made a whole new OC. She's not important outside of this chapter, really.

As to EVERYONE's reviews, thank you so much for your support and advice! I'm planning on doing a major edit as soon as freedom hits to solve all these issues people have been highlighting for me, and I do have a couple issues with the flow of things so far. I feel like I've been leaving a lot of my ideas half-baked and unresolved so if you have any specific concerns, please tell me so I can add it to the list (yes, I have a list). More personal replies will be on their way shortly.

Guest replies at the bottom.

[-]

19: How To Frame A Dead Person (For Things They Actually Did)

[-]

After an hour in the bathroom sorting out how to save the disaster of the 'traitor-trap' as they'd taken to calling the whole thing, the witch finally emerged to a silent house. Peeking in on Naruto's room, she saw Iruka on the spare mattress keeping an eye on the boy while reassuring himself of the boy's health. He was in a light sleep, jerking slightly when she closed the door but not bothering to get up.

Shoukin was sitting on the bed reading one of Ginny's books with a wide smirk on her face, and Laurel stopped in confusion just inside the ring of curtains. "What's with the face?"

Her twin looked up, "Huh?"

The older woman clarified, "What's so amusing about a book you've already read?"

"Oh," the golem's poison-coloured eyes widened in comprehension. "I've started a book club." Laurel was sure her skeptical expression was a work of art. "No, really!" Shoukin insisted, "I lent Kakashi the first one, and we're going to talk about it next time he's free. Minato didn't want to and Cat didn't stick around long enough for me to ask." She grumbled under her breath, but the witch didn't catch what was said.

 _I have things that need doing in any case. Best get back on track._ "I need a little help with fixing the disaster that was this afternoon."

Shoukin sat up in interest, putting the book face down on the bed to hold her place. "What have you got in mind?"

Laurel outlined her idea, pulling the object of interest from her pocket and handing it over to her twin. It was a simple plan, for the most part. Shoukin would sneak into Mizuki's apartment and plant 'Mizuki's diary' in an obvious place, and Laurel would go over and 'discover' it after talking briefly with his fiancee. Then the witch could take it with her to the Hokage for their meeting, give him the information they'd been supposed to get from interrogation and theoretically the whole thing would be wrapped up neatly with a little bow.

To their ANBU watcher it would look like Shoukin had gone to 'sleep' and Laurel was continuing the investigation while Iruka was busy taking care of Naruto, which was a completely acceptable turn of events. Once the golem had changed into some more acceptable clothes, kitted herself out with a wand, the fake diary and an empty storage scroll for anything they might want to pick up without drawing attention, they got going.

The younger of the two rendered ghostlike, she ran to Mizuki's apartment while Laurel herself walked leisurely down the streets. The ginger witch hummed songs under her breath while she strolled, watching the lights of the village activate in various windows. Shinobi darted from one roof to another while the civilians started packing up their wares for the end of the business day. Aside from the occasional cutting breeze, it was a warm spring evening with only a few clouds streaking the dusky heavens while the stars started peeking out.

She let out a gusty sigh of combined exhaustion and relief. In spite of how badly the trap had gone, the Konoha-wide alert hadn't been needed and none of the students had gotten irreparably injured. The repercussions of Mizuki's unhelpful death were going to be mitigated, and now she knew Iruka needed to learn basic interrogation techniques (even though it was just information-seeking manipulation). Naruto may have actually managed to make two of his classmates think beyond his mask, and he had definitely had enough time to put the tracking seal on the Forbidden Scroll so the twins could find the Archives. The blonde might have even copied some of the things in the Scroll, because why not when it was right there?

Potter luck might be a curse, but it could be nullified through positive thinking. Like with Murphy's law, most people only remembered the times nothing went right, and glossed over the parts that didn't fit. It wasn't a very good law, actually, fuelled by the negative feelings that were more easily recalled.

Laurel's eyes traced over the tall buildings, double-checking she knew where she was and where she was going regardless of her wandering thoughts. It seemed ironic how peaceful the village was in the evening light, compared to how frantic and emotional things had been only an hour and a half before.

Another sigh pushed past her lips, and Laurel picked up her pace. She just wanted to go home.

Up the single flight of stairs, the copper-haired woman knocked politely on the front door of the apartment and waited for a response. The sound of footsteps on wood panels and the hushed shift of carpet reached her ears, culminating when the door opened enough for Mizuki's fiancee to show half her face.

The woman's cinnamon-coloured eyes were red and her cheeks were flushed, contrasting with the sickly shade of her skin. "Can I help you?" She croaked, absently brushing loose strands of black hair behind her ear.

Laurel offered the piece of paper the Hokage had given her confirming her authority for the mission for the woman to look over. Iruka didn't need one since he was a shinobi and his hitae-ate was enough, but as a recently-certified civilian the witch wasn't trusted enough for people to just do what she told them. "Would you mind answering a few questions about your fiancee, Mizuki?"

She nodded and opened the door for her, "Would you like some tea…?" Mizuki's fiancee trailed off, silently asking for a name.

"Laurel, and please. What would you like me to call you?" Civilians were funny about titles, sometimes. The more 'noble' ones wanted titles only, the adults tended towards last names, and the children had a preferred nickname. Considering Laurel didn't even know any of the woman's names, it was easier to pretend she wasn't sure which was appropriate than admit she'd forgotten it - if she'd even been told it. She was slowly getting the hang of honourifics and the rest, but she'd stick to her habit of ignoring them. The question she used was an easy way of getting around stupid formality things.

"Riko is fine. Please follow me," the civilian closed the door and led the witch into the lounge, a waterfall of loose curls falling below her shoulder blades and swaying with the movement. "I'll be right back with the tea, please make yourself comfortable."

Laurel sat down on the couch even as her eyes ran over the small bookcase and its contents, pretending to look for something interesting, although she knew exactly which one was the right one. Talking to Riko might reveal some more interesting information considering her different perspective, and poking through her things unwarranted would alienate her. Not to mention it would be rude, and the witch was trying to be good for her unseen observers.

Riko returned with a small tray of tea things and put them down on the coffee table with a chime of porcelain. If it weren't for Anko's teachings of formal and informal tea ceremonies, Laurel might have offered to help her, but she breathed in the tranquility from before while she held her tongue.

"Did you know anything about Mizuki's plans before today?" Was how the witch opened the conversation, and she watched how Riko flinched.

"N-no. I had suspicions that something was wrong, but I just thought it was a difficult student or some ninja thing I didn't understand," her fingers were white where they gripped the tea cup. "I assumed it would pass in time."

"How long?"

"Just these past few days. He seemed fine Sunday, but after work on Monday he was twitchier than usual." Riko shrugged, sending her hair sliding all over her shoulders.

 _So it started when the rumours about the forbidden scroll reached the teachers. Time to see if he's been hiding anything interesting, then. No one would know what 'twitchy' is better than the woman living with him and at the most risk of ending up on the wrong end of a kunai._ "Did he check any areas more often, or if startled did he look at anything in particular?"

She appeared to think about it. "It depended on which room of the house we were in," Riko admitted, eyes downcast. The civilian scrunched her brows, "In the kitchen it was the cupboard above the fridge and in the bedroom it was the closet. I saw it a couple times each, which was the only reason I noticed." She shrugged before drinking from the cup in her hands.

"Did he mention any names, or react to any people in particular?" Riko shook her head. "Would it be alright if I looked in those places you mentioned?"

At the civilian's assent, Laurel moved into the kitchen to start looking. Riko stayed in the lounge when the witch asked her to, because she didn't want any avoidable interference. The cupboard was high above the witch's head, but aside from a muttered curse she didn't complain. After pulling over a chair and popping open the door, Laurel rifled through the recipes and baking odds and ends.

 _Judging by the state of this cupboard I don't think either of them do much baking._ The recipes were neat and organised, each baking implement stacked neatly on top of or into the other, and it was only the routine cleaning of the inside that prevented it from looking completely untouched.

The witch sifted through the recipes, a short note falling out labeled in what she now recognised as Mizuki's handwriting. She let it lay on the floor after putting the sheaf of papers on the bench and searching the cake tins. In the back corner lay a single loose seal she plucked from its hiding spot, and returned the rest of the cupboard - excepting the recipes and her two discoveries.

The paper she'd dropped turned out to be a mirroring seal of the other, though Laurel couldn't tell what it was supposed to do. One looked like a breaking of something - labeled 'open' by Mizuki - and the other seemed to be a creating of the same thing. _Maybe this has something to do with the bedroom closet_ _,_ she hummed and put the cooking instructions back after making sure there weren't any more seals to be found.

She tucked them in a pocket while retracing her steps back into the lounge in order to get to the bedroom.

The room was a mess, it looked like Mizuki had either thrown things about in a rush or Riko had been looking for something and hadn't found it. _This requires questioning, I think._ "Riko?"

The civilian moved to stand in the doorway, still holding her cup as if it had been glued to her hand. "Yes?"

Laurel waved at the room, "What happened here?" _Ninja wouldn't be so messy, so why does it look like a storage seal exploded?_

The black-haired woman made a choking noise in her throat. "I came back from work to find it like this, I have no idea, sorry."

The poison-eyed woman examined her stance critically, suspecting untruths were being told. Under her intense gaze the civilian shifted her weight, but otherwise didn't do anything she could work with. "Alright, thank you. Could I have a moment? I'll join you again soon." She nodded and left, and Laurel wasted no time in going over to the closet and pulling it open.

Inside was nothing truly of interest, just clothes and shoes like would be expected. Laurel searched through them undeterred in the hopes of coming across whatever Mizuki thought was important enough to hide, but came up with nothing. A calendar stuck to the inside of the door drew her attention, although she couldn't say why.

She prodded it curiously, checking the dates (everything matched up to the current year) and peeled it back to look behind. In the end it was the texture of the paper that gave it away: it felt the same as the two notes the witch had come across before.

She pulled them from her pocket for a side-by-side comparison to find her instincts confirmed. It was a calendar written on sealing paper, and the 'ink' was some kind of illusion.

Sealing paper was used to make the seal in question more efficient, eliminating the possibility of it being hindered or tainted in anyway by the medium it was written on. Putting seals on normal paper was fine, and they did work. But for complicated seals it was better to put them on the proper sealing paper or risk a cascade of failure (which usually ended in explosions).

 _Should I_ … Laurel considered how bad it would be for her to screw up the only actual evidence she'd found so far. _Maybe I should just leave it. I've got no idea how magic might affect it, or if it's sensitive to anybody other than Mizuki's chakra._ She rolled up the calendar and shoved it into one pocket while the activating seals went into the other, just to be extra safe.

One more quick search through the room didn't reveal anything interesting, so Laurel returned to the lounge and poked around the bookcase. To sell the act properly, she hummed in thought and drew out the pre-genin history book. Muttering a quiet, "What's this doing here?" under her breath just to finish it off.

The witch flipped it open to find every page covered in Mizuki's handwriting instead of the precise print it was supposed to be, so she closed it with a snap and tucked it under her arm. She rooted through the books, looking for anything else out of place but everything else appeared to be in order. _Well, I've now found everything Mizuki told me was hidden in his apartment and I even had to properly look to find them. My tracks have been covered, I've got everything I need on our traitor, so now I just need to go home in order to prepare for my debrief tomorrow._

"Thank you for your cooperation, I'll talk to the Hokage tomorrow." She hesitated for part of a moment, probably not long enough for the civilian to pick up on it. "I hope things get better for you." _I would hope to never be where she is. One betrayal is enough, so I've already had more than my fair share._

That being said, Laurel bid Riko farewell and returned home with no trouble. The book and papers were hidden in the wardrobe, inside the robes with undetectable extension charms in the pockets.

[-]

To keep up appearances, Naruto was going to be going through the motions of taking the graduation exam again with his classmates, only allowed to wear his hitae-ate openly after that. In order to facilitate this, the witch had dosed him with a hair growth potion so even though his hair was a little shorter in parts, it was the only noticeable effect from the explosion. It was unlikely any of the students other than Ino or Sasuke would even notice a difference, which was exactly how the twins liked it.

After wishing him luck (regardless of the fact that he was just putting on a show and literally nothing was riding on this), Laurel walked past her desk, grabbing some papers for the Hokage to take with her as part of the charade and knocked on his door. At his answer the witch let herself in, placed the paperwork on a free part of the large desk the old man sat behind and summoned Shoukin to take over the desk to keep up appearances.

The golem waved at the room in her retreat, and nobody moved until the door cut them off from the rest of the world with a tiny click.

"What did you find at his apartment?" Hiruzen started the conversation.

Laurel shook her head to wake herself up properly, "I found these two seals in the kitchen, this is a hidden and sealed scroll that was in the bedroom closet, and what seems to be Mizuki's personal account of the events over the past few years." She passed over each object as it was mentioned. "From what I can tell, one of the seals takes off the illusion while the other creates it anew, but I didn't test it myself since I wasn't completely sure how it would react to someone else's chakra."

"What do you think the scroll is?" The Hokage flipped through Mizuki's confession, though Laurel knew he was still mostly focused on her. She could feel the weight of it.

"I don't know, I can't get any sense of the seal underneath the illusion," she shrugged, one hand fidgeting with the hem of her skirt out of habit. Leaders were supposed to make people nervous, and unless she was deliberately not doing so, her body went through the motions even as her mind read the atmosphere and people.

Hiruzen pinned her like a butterfly with his intense regard, "The reports from my ANBU are extremely positive of how you handled the whole situation."

"Does that mean I passed your little test?" Laurel suppressed her instinctual irritation, but didn't stop herself from antagonising the Sandaime and testing his goodwill towards her. _In my opinion, Minato's scarier. He acts charming and friendly until you piss him off, while this guy just looks old and tired. I'm glad Naruto likes the Sandaime, otherwise I'd be tempted to see if I could take him. Nobody needs that disaster, no matter how fun it might be._

He snorted in amusement, inclining his head in agreement, "Your objectives were fulfilled to expectation, regardless of how unforeseen events would have otherwise resulted in failure."

What he said next made her want to cry, or maybe punch the Hokage in the face.

[-]

Laurel found Anko at her favourite dango store, luckily. It meant she didn't have to go all over Konoha to find a sympathetic ear because both Shoukin and Iruka were working, and Yuugao was on a mission. Cat was probably not talking to her yet - even if he was on shift, which she was not sure of - and the redhead didn't actually like Kakashi. Minato was out because Death had said something about how the Yondaime could only come out to play for a maximum of 12 hours per day, so they had to wait to summon him again until tomorrow.

"Hey, Laurel. What's up? Shouldn't you be at work right now?" Anko slurped a clump of her treat off the stick, using one of her favourite chakra tricks to elongate her tongue to gross lengths. If Laurel wasn't so upset, she might've laughed at the faces everyone in eyesight pulled.

The witch sat on the bar stool next to the eggplant-haired ninja and dropped her head onto the bar with a groan. "I am at work. Or well, the other me is."

Anko patted her on the head like a dog, "Then why are you out here, where people can see you? I thought you two were trying to keep that under wraps."

"We were, until yesterday." She banged her head on the solid wood as if that would make her feel better, the kunoichi patting in time.

"Eh, shit happens."

Anko let her mope for another minute or so before her patience ran out. Laurel was surprised it took that long.

"Spit it out, Rei."

The redhead rolled so she could see the kunoichi with one eye, "... Are you ever going to explain that nickname?" Anko shook her head. "Whatever. And the Hokage put me in charge of fixing the _entire Academy_ ," she pouted up at her friend, crocodile tears shimmering in the sunlight.

Anko burst out laughing, nearly falling off the stool. Every time she stopped to catch her breath and caught a glimpse of Laurel's sad-face, she'd start up again. Any ninja in earshot quickly made themselves scarce, and the civilians gave the pair a wide berth as if it would keep any of the crazy from contaminating them.

"Whew," she finally calmed down for real, still snickering occasionally as she spoke to the slightly younger woman. "What did you expect after making so many good suggestions and not causing trouble?"

Laurel sputtered, "What do you mean 'not causing trouble', that's complete-"

"-I know that and you know that, but for the Hokage your usefulness must outweigh your pranking tendencies." Anko smirked at the expression of open horror on the witch's face.

"Using logic _cannot_ be that rare, are you serious?" At the kunoichi's uncaring shrug Laurel sat up straight, "How is this village still running?!"

"Beats me. I'm not in charge of running anything." _That's because letting you be in charge of anything other than traumatising people is a terrible idea,_ Laurel thought to herself. With a stern look in her tawny eyes, the ninja broke through her daydreams, "Wanna go annoy the Civ' Council again?"

Laurel scoffed, but let Anko help her back to mental stability, "Only always." She scrambled to her feet and activated her seals for their usual game of tag when crossing the village. "You're it!" And then she ran, feeling the dust under her sandals and sunshine on her skin.

[-]

The two of them were perched opposite the Civilian Council building, also known as the bane of Laurel's existence. _Well, maybe not so much now, because I don't have to process their ridiculous demands of the Hokage's time when he has a whole village to run. Depends on how much they try to mess with the Academy, which is technically a shinobi institute, even if the students in it aren't until they graduate._

The witch swung her feet back and forth in the open air, unconcerned by the three-floor drop beneath them, "So what're we doing this time?"

Anko rested her chin on the fist curled around a kunai, humming contemplatively. "How mean are you feeling right now?"

After the last few days she'd had? "Pretty nasty."

"Did you know I have the snake summoning contract?" The purple-haired woman muttered, almost completely out of the blue. Laurel shook her head and waited for elaboration. "Iruka mentioned something about you being able to talk to them?"

"Yeah," Anko seemed to be hesitating about something, and she had the feeling it was something painful. _Maybe I can coax it out of her?_ "It was a side effect of an assassination attempt, but I try to make the most of it."

It paid to have the mental speed runes activated constantly around the tawny-eyed kunoichi because she was more like Kakashi than Iruka or Yuugao. The latter two were open about their emotions unless they were on a mission, or it was somehow related to one. Kakashi, completely aside from his physical mask, wore an emotional one that locked up anything he actually felt in a vault hidden in a secret room built at the bottom of the deepest trench in the ocean. Any expression crossing his face was crafted for a specific purpose, a way of speaking without using words. Shoukin had had the pleasure of seeing beneath the emotional mask, not just once but twice, and now that the magical construct had latched on it was probably going to be a more common occurrence.

Anko hadn't needed a mask as long as Kakashi had and he had the advantage of only showing about a quarter of his face. She still only let her true emotions surface so briefly most people would miss them entirely, and it was only because of the mental rune that Laurel caught them. She couldn't always identify what it was, but at least the witch knew there was something else to be considered.

At Laurel's confession the tokujo had flinched just the slightest bit and softened in empathy before her mask reasserted itself. "You may have heard of the other user of the contract, my former sensei." Her eyes flickered to the hidden basilisk scar, "The snake sannin, Orochimaru."

"I haven't heard more than the general village rumours, and I don't tend to believe those things without at least a shred of proof," Laurel shrugged and bumped her friend lightly with her shoulder. "Don't sweat it. Tell me what you want when you want, and I promise to not believe anyone else over you, okay? I know what it can be like."

Anko dropped her head to rest in her loose copper hair, wind-tangled as it was. It could have just as easily been nothing, but she thought her friend had whispered, "Thank you."

She gave her a moment of peace before returning to the task at hand. "So I assume you thought we could do something with your snakes and my parseltongue?" At the ninja's confused look, Laurel explained, "Parseltongue is the name for the snake language, and a speaker of that language is referred to as a parselmouth."

Anko lifted her head, "What do you think of setting a room up with hidden snakes and you tell them when to go for it so they don't hear a human speaking?"

The witch thought that sounded perfectly reasonable, _but_ … "Won't that be a giveaway that it was you?"

"Do you have any suggestions?"

"How good are your snakes with chakra control?" Laurel hummed as she thought, resisting the urge to mockingly stroke her chin as if she had a beard. Fred and George had given her the worst habits, really.

"Most of them are pretty good, why?"

"How about I make them float, and we can teach your snakes how to fly?"

Anko cackled evilly, "I love the way you think. _Flying snakes!_ "

They snuck inside through an open window on the second floor, and decided taking over the entry might give the best reactions if they timed things right. There was still about an hour until lunchtime, which was when the prank was scheduled to go off.

The two women snuck along the ceiling until they reached the bathroom so Anko could summon her minions while Laurel would teach them how to 'fly'. Really she was just going to cast featherweight charms and guide them on how to expel chakra to direct themselves, but it was going to be hilarious. Because of the complexity of what they were trying to accomplish, Laurel's ability to talk to every single snake even if it wasn't able to speak the people-language was the only reason it might succeed.

It took half an hour before the bathroom walls were covered in dry scaled bodies (why Slytherins were 'slimy snakes', she'd never known. Snakes were the opposite of slimy. Maybe it had to do with them living in the dungeons? Also, why make children live in the dungeons, that was absurdly stupid… but then again, wizards. Logic was anathema to them.) with the occasional brave one swimming through the middle of the room. To Laurel's ears there was a chorus of amused chattering and lame insults being traded from one reptile to another.

Anko kept bouncing on her toes in anticipatory glee, letting herself express a real-time emotion fully for the first time Laurel had witnessed. It was encouraging to see, and hopefully in time Anko would come to trust her enough to do so more often.

"Okay, I think they're ready," the witch announced, cutting through the chaotic hissing with a skill born of wrangling children. "How're we doing this?"

The kunoichi narrowed her eyes, "We could have them hide in the plants, I'll cover them with a minor genjutsu."

"Is there a way to make it so you don't get blamed for this? What if they didn't look like your snakes?" Laurel didn't want her friend to take the fall for a little traumatic fun. _Maybe not a colour-changing charm, but something simple. Fake wings?_

Anko interrupted her scheming by bumping her with a hip. "If you can do something that won't hurt them, go for it. I'm always up for watching more of your tricks," she winked a tawny eye in encouragement.

She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, ignoring the leer her purple-haired friend sent her way. _They still need to be able to use their chakra as they've been practicing, so it either has to be a charm or a transfiguration that keeps them as close to their original form. That means they still have to look like snakes, but what about if they looked like toy snakes? Nobody can have a summoning contract for that, and I don't think anyone else would ever consider faking something like this just for a prank._ "That could work, maybe." _I'd have to use my wand though, otherwise risk hurting the snakes._

She was wearing her wand as a hair ornament, and if she specified it was to make sure she didn't hurt them, Anko probably wouldn't care. Laurel nodded decisively and pulled the magical focus so her half-up half-down hair fell apart. "Tell me what you think of this," the poison-eyed woman instructed her friend, beckoning one of the snakes over.

She waved her wand from the snake's head to its tail, focusing intently on the changes and imagining them flowing like a ripple down the scales. To the naked eye, the snake took on the appearance of a door-stop, even if underneath the mildest transfiguration the serpent still remained as it was. For the extra amusement factor, the change was only visual and anyone who touched it would feel the hard rasp of scales. After receiving Anko's approval, the witch copied the effect onto each of them, working through the excited wriggles and ignoring the various hissed exclamations.

The two women snuck into the entryway, directing their minions into hiding spots as they went with Anko casting minor genjutsu over the reptiles. As Laurel had found, sneaking past civilians was absurdly easy, or at least anyone who wasn't an actual civilian had to pretend to be unobservant to properly blend in. Either way, they were safe from being called out before the mischief making.

Anko pulled her into place behind the secretary's desk, leaning casually against the wall with a perfect line-of-sight on the clock. The purple-haired ninja tapped three fingers on Laurel's hand when the clock reached noon, which either meant three seconds or three minutes. Since she didn't get a countdown, it was probably the latter. When it only got busier, the witch figured out why they were waiting.

At three and a half minutes past the hour, Laurel hissed to the collective group of 'toy' snakes and watched the chaos begin. They slithered gleefully out of their hiding places, moving up along the walls before launching themselves across the room. They hissed insults at every person in sight, silly things such as 'scaleless heater' or 'stiff-limbed ground-monkeys'. It took everything Laurel had to keep her laughter internal when the civilians panicked as if the serpents were threatening the end of the world.

After observing the fruits of their labour, Laurel and Anko booked it before any shinobi could detect them through the genjutsu. Everyone was too busy freaking out to notice how they fled, pretending to be panicking civilians long enough to escape the building. They ducked into a nearby alley to let out their laughter, the witch finding tears running down her cheeks when Anko imitated some of the more comic expressions.

Still sniggering occasionally, the two women walked through Konoha's streets until they reached the entry to the apartment building."You coming in?" Laurel asked, turning to look up the few centimetres so their eyes met.

Her friend shrugged, looking briefly at the building in front of them. "I have some work to do today. Another time?"

The witch nodded in agreement, "Sounds good. Thank you for today, Anko. It really helped me get my head back on straight." The kunoichi waved goodbye and vanished, so Laurel wandered back up to her home so she could figure out what the heck she was going to be doing about the Academy.

She had the short holiday between the two terms to figure out what she wanted to accomplish in general and refine stuff with Iruka's help. In turn that also meant she'd have to wait to assess the current teachers so she could see them in action without the bias of someone else's report. _Darn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy._

 _At least that means I have time to do research._ Laurel could talk to parents and previous students,figure out what the passing students had that the failing ones didn't, or what made a genin in the Corps different from one under a jounin-sensei.

From that the witch should be able to assess which parts of the previous education needed to be added in, what should be changed, and what should be removed. After that, figuring out teachers to cover all the different subjects would be even better, because they could specialise and she could make sure they actually knew what they would be teaching.

Avoiding another 'Snape' would be for the best of everyone involved. He might have known his way inside-out and through any potion in existence, but he didn't have the temperament or knowledge to pass that onto children. Especially those who didn't have a solid grasp of the basics. Funnily enough, for being the headmaster of such a well-known school and having learnt there himself, Dumbledore hadn't actually been very good at his job either.

Children entered into the Academy weren't shinobi until they graduated obviously, but although Laurel didn't want to be responsible for churning out child-soldiers, they were going to be out there anyway in most cases. Hopefully the changes she made would just make them survive long enough to actually live their lives after everything.

[-]

Naruto and Shoukin returned to the apartment in a flurry of laughter, and before the witch knew what was going on, she'd been dragged outside by her siblings. "Where're we going?" She asked as they stumbled down the stairs, but it devolved into a game of tag before she got an answer.

They raced through Konoha, dodging around people and tripping over animals until Shoukin tackled the laughing blonde boy. The golem ruffled his hair while she sat on his back and squashed him, Laurel huffing her amusement as she leant against a convenient wall to watch. Naruto squirmed in vain, trying to whack Shoukin until she pinned his arms too. She crowed her victory to the sky, but did eventually let him up.

The boy only got a few steps further before Laurel picked him up and gave him a piggy back. He went with it, waving a hand to direct her while Shoukin darted here and there like a rabbit on caffeine. It made the witch's heart ache a little because the last time she'd seen her twin act like this was with Teddy. She let the wave of longing pass through her, hoisting Naruto higher on her back.

Laurel recognised their surroundings while the other redhead was spinning in a circle. Shoukin nearly whacked a nearby person in the neck but they dodged with a grumble. The child on her back pressed his face into the side of her neck once he noticed she was walking towards the training ground herself.

"Are we looking for the tag?" The witch guessed, feeling him nod. "Alright then, let's be quick about this."

Naruto pushed himself back to the ground so they could race each other, the golem joining in once she noticed them ahead of her. All three skidded to a halt at the edge of the mock-desert village, the women frowning in disappointment.

Their eyes met over Naruto's head, "It's still here."

Laurel sighed, "It must have fallen out or something."

"I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way," the younger twin shrugged.

The trio started toward Ichiraku Ramen for dinner, Laurel contemplating logistics while they walked. "You're going to have to be in charge of that, I think." Shoukin hummed a question. "I have to worry about the entire Academy system, and Naruto needs to focus on his ninja training. Even if Iruka is going to be on holiday for a while, I'm going to be monopolising his free time for the foreseeable future to get this sorted. And one of us still needs to work the desk. Once I'm done with the start up, I can return to solving my rune issue," she twisted her hand to indicate her wrist.

Her twin slipped an arm around her waist, "Stop stressing, I can handle it. We can discuss our extra-curricular activities later and figure out who's doing what then. For now, ramen!"

[-]

Guest replies:

kuro tennin: I'm glad to hear that you think so! I've tried my best to make sense of things.

Guest - about ch 18 (19/08): If you'd care to clarify what you think was forced, I could look into it? I mean chapter 18 was alright for me, writing-wise, so I'm not sure what's coming across as forced, and I'd like to remedy that if possible. I'll have another look over to see what can be done about the general confusion, though, once I have a bit more free time. Thanks for your suggestions!

Guest - about ch 17 (19/8): It sounds like you're having a great time! I'm so pleased about that. And in case you were wondering, because they were all conscious for the secrecy binding thing, and they're all intelligent adults, they know they've been bound, they just don't know to what extent. Luckily for Shoukin and Laurel, it's airtight, because for plot reasons I couldn't have them go blabbing, even if I did need them to find out at some point. This was not at all how I planned it, if you were wondering!

Phoenix: Thanks! Well, here you go! No clue when the next one is coming out though, sorry.


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